Re: kml "Internet dating sites like Match, etc do NOT show up as "internet dating and escort services." Escort services = prostitution. He's not online dating, he's hiring hookers."
Well, I should say that the charge came up as "OurTime.com" (50+ dating) It was only in the online account "description" of the charge category where it listed it as "dating and escort services" It was only for $89.95, which is the six month "discount" price. If he's buying six months worth of hookers for $89.95, they must be pretty skanky! He does have a profile on there because I saw it. He says he's looking for "a serious relationship". Not even "casual". That's....um...interesting.
As for hookers/escorts, I could see that as a possibility down the road, but since he's not spending any money or time on it, (I'm pretty sure I'd know), it's unlikely at this point. Maybe when he gets too old and decrepit to think he's going to catch any fancy fish on his charm alone, I could see him turning to professionals to get his "needs met."
(And I will be LONG gone!)
At the moment at least, it seems he fancies himself a real catch and his ego would not let him go there. "Paying for it" is something losers do. Since OW, he thinks he's a stud (unless you add in the Viagra!) and that it's just ME that caused his inadequacy.
His dating profile essentially says that "with the RIGHT person" he'll be an incredible lover and a completely evolved, perfect person. Sure he will.
However, we are not sleeping together and will not until many things are rectified, like our R, a full panel STD test which is non-negotiable, so no worries there.
I wouldn't even let him kiss me right now, much less get naked! ----------------------------------------------------------------
re: job:
"Is your h generally passive-aggressive?"
HAH!!!! IS he? That's an understatement!
"Many times, a PA person will do things so that we find out what they are doing. For example, your h is having the bills come to your residence because he does recognize that you will open them and he wants you to see what he's been charging. I don't think he's embarrassed by you finding out about these charges at all. He appears not to care that you know what he's charged. It could be his way of telling you and is hoping that you'll get angry and say something to him about it. Hence, giving him justification for why he left."
job,
Although the idea that me getting upset about my HUSBAND looking for a serious relationship online WHILE WE ARE STILL MARRIED would be fuel for him saying how "crazy" I am to justify his leaving is almost too wacky to be believed, it could well be true! Just like me getting upset about OW and still being upset a few weeks after he "ended it" also points to a sort of mental illness.
No doubt this plays into it somewhat, if in fact it was intentional and not a late-night, lonely, and drunk foray into online dating.
When he hit "buy now to see your matches" he might have immediately regretted it.
But who knows. And who cares?
But yes. The first time I ever heard the expression "Passive Aggressive" was out of HIS mouth when he was in therapy back before we got married. I never put that together until recently.
He's not a "psychologically interested type" so that fact that he threw that out in 1990 makes me wonder if his therapist at that time called him on it.
Over the years, it's gotten worse and worse. He doesn't say what he means, he is deliberately vague and sabotaging, acts as if he "forgot" or "didn't hear/understand", refuses to say what he means, and has two modes:
1. Pretend everything is fine, harbor lots of resentment secretly and take it out on me in subtle ways that I don't understand, like blaming, confusing the issue, changing the subject, avoiding me, being curt, expecting me to read his mind, etc.
2. Try to be "assertive"-- which usually means getting angry, and just saying "NO!!!" Pitching a fit, again with the blaming and confusion.
But there is a third option, which is to develop the people skills to actually address problems and disagreements by discussing them, and cooperating and compromising.
That is a skill he appears to lack, or at least he's no longer using it.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Well, I should say that the charge came up as "OurTime.com" (50+ dating)
Ok, well, that's a lot better than an escort service.
Interesting, though - although he's the right age group for it, most MLC guys at 63 would think they're too "young" for a "mature dating" site.
As you said, it's possible that he just made a curiosity purchase, or that he's really out there playing the field - or maybe he put up his profile and got scared off by all the 80 year old women trying to hook up with him? Who knows?
He did shave five years off his age, and his profile is rife with comments about how "everyone says I look and act so much younger than I am!!! They are amazed when they find out I'm really (my LYING) age!!!" sort of things.
I actually *think* what happened is he can't stand being alone, really alone.
When his 'roommate' was gone for a week I think he was in a really bad place, and those TV commercials come on all the time...He'd said several times how lonely he was and that it s*cked.
He might have logged on out of curiosity and then, seeing all those wonderful babes who "flirted" with him (not that any of THEM are lying!), he had to pay the $89.95 to see who they "really" were.
When I logged on, I almost paid too! I was curious to see all the creeps and what they said to the "Fake Profile" me.
In the end, I decided I didn't want any more ugly stuff in my head and let it go.
I do have friends who have used the various sites and they're full of interesting horror stories. Almost every one lies about their age, appearance, income--just like he did. Even his personality description is his complete opposite. Many of them have no social skills and no real life prospects because they're not actively out there meeting people. Online, they can pretend to be anyone, and they do! Married men--who say they're divorced, never married, or worst of all: WIDOWED! Or the best one was "I'm the sole caretaker for my ailing wife. She's had cancer for years and I can't divorce her because I'm all she's got."
This guy got a lot of sympathy mileage on that one. Everyone thought he was such a great guy. NONE OF IT WAS TRUE!
So about GUBU's lying: Someone on here said that's because they're trying on various personas. I don't doubt it.
The only thing that hurt me to read was all this talk about "With the RIGHT person" he would be romantic, affectionate, passionate, a real cuddler; basically that with ANYONE OTHER THAN ME, he'd be "cured" of all his issues.
I know this isn't true, but it did hurt to think he might believe that. I'm over that now, because I see it for what it is. Wishful thinking.
The fact is, if he couldn't be those things with me, it says everything about HIM and nothing about me.
As for real-life dating, I know GUBU is a mess, that he is not going to make a good impression on anyone other than an employee (OW). He has nothing to offer anyone right now.
Any woman worth her salt will pick up on that right away.
And the rest--well, if he wants an older version of messed up OW who he won't take out in public, I guess that's his choice.
His preference has been online porn for years, probably the online flirting where he can remain an anonymous, made up person probably has a lot of appeal.
But enough about GUBU.
If the time comes for me to date, I don't think I'll be starting with online services. I'm doing okay with people liking me enough in real life to send quality singles my way.
PS: I almost wish he'd go on a few dates and get really turned off by the reality check! And AIDS is growing most rapidly in the 55+ segment of the population in the US, because they don't use protection!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Well, I've had really good luck with online dating, but it can be strange and it's definitely not for everyone. I've encountered a couple of people who weren't what they claimed, and I've been wooed (sometimes successfully!) by a few much much younger men (who remain good friends to this day, bless them ). But I also met my first post-separation boyfriend online (gorgeous sweet man who remains a friend even though, sadly, his long-lost childhood/college love resurfaced and swept him away - I could hardly even be mad at him for that!). And my current boyfriend - who I would otherwise never have met in a million years - is uniquely different but kinda perfect for me, treats me like a princess and is so handsome that literally a woman in his apartment complex ran into the carport because she was staring at him (and admitted it! lol)- but he's as faithful and loyal as a Labrador retriever.
I think though I benefited from just extremely good radar - I seemed to be able to read a profile and tell if someone was a match or not, I'd say 70% of my coffee dates I went on to date. Only about a third had no chemistry, and even most of those were nice guys as advertised.
My best friend on the other hand cannot pick 'em at all and never met a guy online that she liked in real life - just no ability to pick up what she needed to know from reading their profiles. Doesn't work for everybody.
Quote:
And AIDS is growing most rapidly in the 55+ segment of the population in the US, because they don't use protection!
This is definitely a problem. Our generation grew up in the pre-AIDS era, some of these guys never had to use a condom before, and if you're 60 and going kinda soft anyway, they don't always function well in one. I always follow my younger girlfriend's advice - "No glove, no love!".
I'm glad to hear somebody around here is getting some action!
It's been way too long for me, that's for sure.
You probably do have a good sense for picking through the trash in search of treasures. It's great you found a number of people who were real additions to your life.
I think you're right that a lot of it depends on who is doing the picking.
If they're a bit screwy, they're going to pick screwy. And now that I think about it, the women I know who have had the worst experiences aren't exactly the best pickers--multiple marriages and failed relationships; of course, now I'm in the "failed marriage" category myself!
On the other hand, I think if there is ever a next time for me, I will be looking for some red flags I obviously missed the first time around.
So if and when the time comes, I'll be a better "picker" too.
I might pick me a guy so handsome that women run around after him trying to get a better look!
How on earth do you deal with that? I think I'd just laugh every time it happened.
Nothing like coming out on top, eh?
What is it they say? "The best revenge is a life well-lived." (With a hot boyfriend who is as loyal as a Labrador Retriever!!! My kind of guy!!)
Ain't it the truth?
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I might pick me a guy so handsome that women run around after him trying to get a better look!
How on earth do you deal with that? I think I'd just laugh every time it happened.
Lol - my girlfriend - who is scared to have a boyfriend who is too handsome for just that reason - was very suspicious of him at first. (To tell the truth, I felt insulted - like she didn't think I was hot enough for him!!!).
But honestly, he's never given me any reason to suspect he's interested in anybody but me - and every reason to think he sees me with the sober equivalent of beer goggles all day long I'm his type and he's mine; and he's just a very loyal guy who values my good qualities.
And truthfully - after losing my ex of 26 years - if a guy I'm with wants to go be with another woman? My response today would be "Go! Good riddance!". I'm not the least bit interested in winning someone over who isn't sure they're into me.
My H is 50 and he signed up on 50+ dating site a couple of months ago. I guess the other site (Match) he signed up to last summer didn’t produce anything. He was looking for women in 38-50 age group. He was not even activated on that site, I guess he was just looking.
Originally Posted By: kml
but he's as faithful and loyal as a Labrador retriever.
Haha, I would not say this about my lab – he would go with anyone who just mentions FOOD, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
GGG- Your comment above about not being able to stand being alone I think is right on. He's probably grasping for anything to fill that void that he hasn't learned is filled by himself facing his issues.
My H's IC tells him ( and he has shared with me) that he should not try to have any new relationships right now as he will just try to " give everything" in the hopes of getting what he needs and have unhealthy, destructive relationships. Surprisingly he appears to be listening thus far.
Maybe your H entering counseling will help him to see he at least has issues. Of course actually dealing with them is a whole other story. ...
Hope the upcoming talk is good.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
GG, I'm glad to come here and see it was the "Our Time" site. Some people tend to be not so honest on those sites and you have to be on your toes when reading and having discussions w/the posters.
Your h was probably lonely and not feeling so good about himself at the time he logged into the site. He probably wanted some ego stroking and he got it from the women on the site. Yes, they do try on different "masks" until they can find the right one for them at the time.
But enough about him. How are you really doing? What are your plans for the weekend? Are you taking care of yourself?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm his type and he's mine; and he's just a very loyal guy who values my good qualities. 