Amoeba Whisperer: "Stay in your OWN Petrie Dish!"

[GoatGal]

Well, I wrote this awesome post this morning, responding thoughtfully to everyone who took the time to respond to me...

I hit "submit" and...then I saw: "Thread locked."

There was no retrieving it.

So when I get a sec I will post the abbreviated version, no doubt which will be more digestible anyway...

---GGG

PS: Links to old threads to come. Just can't swing that mental gyration at the moment.

[Wonka]

GGG,

Just holler if you want assistance in linking your previous threads here.

[Cadet]

Next time that you lose a post like that try hitting the back arrow button, sometimes you can get them back like that.

[nero]

hey hi gg

just reading your other old thread -

you said

I find my ability to detach comes and goes. It's harder being in closer contact with him. It leaves me more vulnerable.
But I'm working on it.

i know- you left me wondering if i'll "do this forever" because it (he) comes and goes - and after three weeks totally alone in nj - i miss having someone in the house with me. I always wonder tho - if it went on for five or six weeks - would i begin to totally just let go totally?

when i'm with him here in fla i feel life is more "normal" - but always aware of disconnect (however less cold & hard than before he is now) . it's still there- ow in background. messes with my head & of course, knowing it- puts "something" between us always. (for me anyway.)


they toy with us-

we'll be total masters of our minds and emotions when this is ever done- donja think?


idk- you sounmd good, so glad for ya and nice that he shared what is up with him and so forth. it's something- for sure.

xxo

[Shining]

Hey, GGG.....you doin alright?

[Wonka]

My post to you disappeared during one of those maintenance thingys...

I said...

Me too...worried about you, GGG. Come on out and play in the lab! Missing my lab partner.

[Maybell]

Mine too... Been thinking & worrying about you.

[GoatGal]

Awwww.... thanks, Wonka, for checking in on me!

I lost a post or two during the site maintenance, (again replying to everyone who has been supporting me here), several times I tried to log on and the board was down.

In the end I decided to give it a break, so the timing was good.
Sometimes I need to get my mind on something that doesn't have the word "DIVORCE" in it!

Rest assured, the Triple G is still kicking a** and taking names!
----------------------

I haven't seen GUBU in over a week now, and that feels like a good thing.

We have still communicated via brief texts/emails/a call or two, but I have taken a BIG step back.

I am still in a bit of a "low" phase, I think it's the time of year again, (OW discovery), and next week is our 23rd wedding anniversary, which I will deliberately avoid mentioning.

I feel I've come around full circle.
It was this time last year when the chit hit the proverbial fan, and our M blew up.

I have gone through all the seasons now, with the knowledge that my life will never be the same.
---------------------------------------------------------

I have been GALing as much as I can.

I was gone last weekend for my houseboat trip with two girlfriends. Beautiful lake, very relaxing. I hardly thought of GUBU or my sitch at all. I also wasn't checking email or surfing the net, or looking at this board!

Coming home was harder, back to the chaos, animals, HIM, the work... that was a downer and I had a few really low energy days, feeling like doing anything was a struggle.

I don't know if it's depression, or I'm just worn out, or both.

I have gone through this year on such an adrenaline ride of panic and frantic/deliberate action... now that's winding down because I can't sustain it.

I feel so much better when I am out doing things; being here alone is really starting to wear on me.
-------------------------------------

BUT-- I have been sticking to my plan of better food, better sleep, more happy exercise, and continuing to GAL and work on my personal goals.

I went to an open mic last night (alone), wouldn't have gotten to play until too late, so I just had a glass of wine and dinner, enjoyed watching the other performers.

I'm shooting for another slot after Labor Day, just have to get there earlier to sign up!
-----------------------------------

This weekend I have plans every night, (also tonight if I feel like driving 45 minutes each way).

I'll be seeing friends, dancing, and DJing two dance parties, playing some late-night solo Ukulele blues at a house party as well.

So I'm busy. I have plans until the end of the year, all fun stuff.

Going to perform with a blues band at the end of the month, that was on my list for this year too.

-------------------------------------

Now that I know GUBU has gotten himself into therapy, I try to keep from having expectations about that. He has had three sessions that I know of, and I just hope he sticks with it this time.
He is still secretive about this even though I know.

I am just grateful that he apparently has discovered that getting rid of me isn't the key to happiness after all!
---------------------------------

So that's the latest.
The weather has been really nice and I've wanted to be outside more, getting some things done.

So far, no additional help forthcoming from GUBU--as you all accurately predicted!

I have given him some opportunities to extend himself a little (no pressure) and he's pretty much looking after #1.
He never followed up with asking me what I needed as far as help around here.
I guess I'm supposed to chase him down, ask for what I want... see how that pans out.

He rarely thanks me for anything, and doesn't go out of his way on my behalf at all, except to leave me a cold beer in the fridge, or do the bare minimum of what I explicitly request him to do.

Really, since he started therapy, he's really blowing hot and cold.

So I'm just staying out of the way.

I figure, it's harder to hit a hidden target (who keeps close tabs on all the ammo!)
--------------------------------------------

Interesting that his anger at me *seems* related to me either being "too happy", "rejecting" him, or having any emotion AT ALL about all the things he's done to me if they happen to come up on any level.
(Including a minor change of my facial expression to something less than delight at being in his company.)

He continues to act as though HE is the injured party here. *sigh*

We get along "fine" as long as I pretend that I'm just peachy, he's God's Gift to me and the rest of the world, and--- even though he doesn't want me-- I still need and want him, and find everything that comes out of his mouth to be worthy of the front page of the NY Times.


That pretty much sums it up, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

Factor in additional attention from nice, interesting, eligible men who do NOT consider me the Devil's Spawn in a Blue Dress, and it gets harder every day to be okay with my current reality.

But I'm not abandoning ship yet, even though it seems to be sinking...

I try to focus on what's going right, what he's doing that's good, the small progress that I'm making.
Trying to stay positive.
------------------------------

Thanks again for looking in on me!

I think about you guys often, wonder how things are going...

I stopped reading at bedtime because I found myself getting upset at OTHER peoples' spouses and the awful things they were doing.

I just don't get it... I'd like to smack them all upside the head with one of our trusty 2 x 4s!!!


Hugs to all,

----GGG

[job]

I'm glad you came back to post an update. We all have been concerned, but it's good to get away and focus on other things once in a while.

Take care of yourself and continue to post when you feel the need to do so. We are here to listen and support you in any way that we can.

[GoatGal]

Thanks, (((MAYBELL))))

And (((NERO)))))

And ((((JOB)))

And ((((CADET))))))

And (((Lois))))), (((((Bea)))))))).......

And the rest of you, you know who you are!

I'll get to you all eventually!

---GGG