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This is a question... There was a text that she said how do we fix this and he said I'm not sure. What if he was sincere, he lacks relationship skills, really doesn't know, and is too manly or whatever to be vulnerable enough to find out? What if he's hoping to get by solving the problem without having to really dig deep because he has just enough self-awareness to know it's going to hurt but not enough to do the work?

Is that possible, and does that change anything?

I guess I'm playing devil's advocate a little and also that I agree with Train's assessment.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Good point, Maybell. My H would say something like "I'm not sure" and honestly have NO IDEA how. He doesn't read books. He's not big on therapy. He doesn't know about relationship retreats and whatnot. He has NO clue. Maybe Mr. MDU is similar?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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K, so I was committed to staying away from the boards until after labor day but then something that seems possibly significant occurred. So I thought I better post..

H came by this evening to pick up the kids to take them school shopping. We both looked at each other, kind of sad. He gave me a very gentle and sweet 'Hi', blinking back tears. Then he did something that he has not done since OW moved closer, he gave me a big hug and a kiss. It was delightful. I told him he looked handsome.

So now, I'd say more than ever, I need to step back and STFU. I've thought a lot about forcing his hand, as Starsky mentions too, and I still may at some point. But boy, it seems like it would be so much better in the long run if it came from him. So I'm going to try to hold out some more.

Say a little prayer for me that I can keep my balance and center; you all know how whenever he makes a move I start freaking and yanking on him to move it along!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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It is a really sweet interaction with H.

Now back to your real-life GAL.

And shut that nagging little ego inside your head feeding you evil thoughts about "forcing his hand" at some point. Shut down that silly and stupid innner voice. It's done you no good at all.

Back to the program of doing what has been WORKING. Go back to the list I wrote out for you. Read it 100x before bed and again in the morning.

H is your new boyfriend now. Treat him like one.

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Oh, there's no doubt about it, Starsky: you KNOW I agree with your overall position. NO doubt.

I also believe mr. mdu can be influenced to sh!t or get off the pot. But (again, from where I sit) I'm not sure *mdu* is quite at the point of being able to get *herself* in the position to move in that direction, though I do see some indications she's getting there. (Sorry for not speaking to you directly here, mdu, but you're off the boards for a couple days, right?!?) wink

I think, even with the dual-track approach, that it's best for a woman to be laid back, easy-going and even a little flirty in face-to-face interactions when possible and appropriate ... especially once the WAS seems interested in working things out. I also believe a little "mystery" is beneficial.

IMO, if you can hold off on trying to rush things once H nibbles on the line, mdu - and if you can do this CONSISTENTLY - we will have a better handle on this situation in just a couple months. And I think mr. mdu will start to drive the ship a little; he's already proven he can and *will* when he responds to mdu's "light and breezy" by asking her to join the family on beach trips ... or asking her why she didn't stay after the hockey game. But each time he makes a move forward, I think what freaks him out the most - mdu's "control" and outbursts in the relationship - freaks him out ALL OVER AGAIN, and he backs way off. It would freak me out, too, if I was trying to test the waters of my M.

I'm not sure WHAT boundaries mdu could/should put in place; her situation is different than mine in that mr. mdu says he wants to work on things and has ended things with OW. My H was just a prick through it all. But I *do* think there's a way to thread the needle where mdu can be light and breezy and also give off the impression that she's moving on. She, in fact, accomplishes just that each time she chooses to GAL and focus on her own journey. Her PMA - even here on the boards - skyrockets. But it's never consistent. I think the road to possible-piecing in this case will BEGIN when mdu's expectations and rushing END.

I hope all that makes sense.

I just think mr. mdu is ABLE to bite ... but he hasn't seen the *consistent* changes he needs to commit to said bite.


M: 40 H: 44
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S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
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Oops. I took too long to post (on my freaking phone) so I missed the new posts. Ugh.


M: 40 H: 44
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S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
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I don't have any real input but I'm really excited for you that things are looking well. grin
Your sitch helps me believe there is always hope.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

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Some very interesting developments in my sitch!

Yesterday, I had some people over for a labor day BBQ. Had a blast but drank WAY too much. At the end of the evening I texted H to find out when he was coming over in the AM (today is D4’s first day of Kindergarten). He did not respond for a long time. Unfortunately I started freaking out, the alcohol definitely did not help. I called and texted a bunch of times. This had disaster written all over it.

Finally, he calls back. Despite my freaking, he’s extremely apologetic. He says he totally gets why I am freaking out and he felt terrible for not seeing my texts. He says he is on is way over to the house right now! He comes over and miraculously I don’t go off on him, I am totally chill. We end up talking about the affair, about OW now being in his office, about repairing our marriage.

I ask him why everything took such a negative turn after OW moved to his office. He said he was just totally freaked out and wasn’t sure how it would be. He shared that he called her and spoke to her after he found out she was moving --- asked her WTH she was doing. She said that they offered for her to work in his office and since it was so much shorter of a commute it would be crazy to refuse. I did not freak out AT ALL when he told me he called her. I don’t know, somehow it seemed really clear that he did not want to be with her anymore. The whole mess is just so clearly not worth it.

Then he confessed that he has a work outing that she will likely be at next week. Again, I was totally chill. I told him ‘I just need you to tell me everything, we can get through this if you are completely honest’. He said ‘I know’. Then he told me that he has another work outing the week after. I asked him ‘What does that have to do with OW?’ and he said ‘Nothing, I just thought you should know.’

I talked about taking ADs and how I’ve struggled with adjusting to them and sleep issues. He cried and apologized for doing this to me and how much it has affected me. I actually wasn’t sharing to get that reaction out of him but I’ll admit, it was nice to see remorse.

I asked him how he’s doing. He said he’s really busy at work which is a good distraction but that he is really not doing very well. He obviously feels horrible about himself, about what he has done. He cried. I held his hand and told him it would be ok. He said that he’s working with IC to try to understand why he made such a hideous choice, why he kept it going and allowed himself to get so deep when he had 1000 opportunities along the way to just put an end to it.

Despite my freak out moments since BD basically he has been utterly amazed at how good I have been to him through all this, that I still even want him anymore. I told him that I’ve always loved him.

Amazing!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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Who would have thought drinking would be a good 180? Kidding. Congratulations on not going off laugh laugh laugh You gave him a chance to talk, you listened and now you KNOW he's not interested in OW because he had a chance to finish without being jumped on. That is an awesome interaction, mdu. I hope you feel good about what you've achieved by remaining calm. You're all over this!


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
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Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
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Thx so much Barrybran.

He was at the house this am to see the kids off for first day of school and there's a definite shift between us. He gave me a big hug and kiss good-bye. Cleaned the kitchen for me, offered to take S7 to soccer practice tonight.

Amazing, we'll see if it all sticks but this time does feel different, like he's really, really coming back finally. And I still feel pretty chill, not ansy or pushy at all..


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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