mdu, that was my point above, although I did not say it well. I think you want to give him the impression that you are happy and happy to be with him and happy spend time with him and to build a new relationship with new, positive memories. Men don't like to feel rejected and I don't think the pursuit issue applies in your context right now in a sort of pre-pieceing or re-piecing stage. Figgeroni said it way better than I did.
You are on the right track, I think, with the cooking and lunch ideas.
Horrible night. Everyone get your 2x4s ready. I know they are coming.
I asked H about doing an in home separation last night. He balked. I was not happy. I don’t understand why he says he wants to work on the M but still won’t fully recommit. I said some things that I shouldn’t have said. I am fed up, I feel like the kids are suffering and I am left holding the bag because I am taking the brunt of the fallout. He just doesn’t see it --- or want to see it --- or care.
Although much of the conversation was contentious there were also moments of connection and honesty. He admitted that he still has feelings for OW. It hurts so much to know that. I have been crying much of the night because of it. But at least he was honest. It seems so crazy to me that it was supposedly just a 4 month affair but now SIX months after they broke up he’s still not over her. Is this normal? He said that he has been seeing an IC and that the thing that has thrown him for the biggest loop in all of this is seeing changes I’ve been making to help our M, especially after what he’s done.
We talked some about the fact that everything went South once OW moved closer. He, of course, has absolutely nothing negative to say about her and the fact that she did that knowing we were trying to work on our M. I think her behavior has bunny boiler written all over it. We both agreed that we’ve been avoiding discussing things since that happened which is very bad because that’s what got our M into trouble in the first place.
I told him that I am very frustrated being separated because I don’t feel like it really gives us much chance to work on the M. We don’t really conflict much while separated, we agree on the kids, there are no issues with money, we agree on house items. I said we are not facing the daily in your face grind that got our M into trouble in the first place. The days of coming home upset about work and taking it out on each other. Or getting so fed up with the kids and then arguing. He thinks that we can still work on the M while separated and maybe we can *some* but I really don’t think we can seriously until we’re under the same roof.
In the end I told him that I am not initiating things anymore, that if he wants to fix all this he has to step up and show some initiative. So I guess now I’m going dark, or as dark as you can with kids. I really need to get some space from him, I am in so much pain, it feels like this nightmare is never going to end.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
No 2x4. So you and H had a R talk. I hope you got some valuable information tucked away in your mind.
I do see a lot of positives here. Allow me to list them here:
-H talked with you about R -H did not run away -H opened up about the OW (a first...right?) -H feels not ready to move back in the house yet (that's fine) -H SAID HE'S WILLING TO WORK ON THE M WHILE SEPARATED
That last one is a biggie! I'd grab it and hold it in my heart with faith that it'll all work out. Focus on this going forward. He is receptive to it! Wow. That's huge.
I asked H about doing an in home separation last night. He balked. I was not happy. I don’t understand why he says he wants to work on the M but still won’t fully recommit.
Yes, you do understand but I think your fears are blocking you from actually seeing the why behind this. H is feeling gun shy because of your mouth. It will take consistent actions and changes to show him that you're an oasis of serenity. Also it takes a while for the WAS to work through their issues and their old perceptions of the M.
Mainly all of their fear from what I've read here over the years is this:
Afraid of going back to the M and finding it is the same ole, same old thing.
He admitted that he still has feelings for OW. It hurts so much to know that. I have been crying much of the night because of it. But at least he was honest. It seems so crazy to me that it was supposedly just a 4 month affair but now SIX months after they broke up he’s still not over her.
I am not surprised at all. Many of the WAS' experience withdrawals and this particular withdrawal is being prolonged by the fact that the XOW moved into the offices. If I remember correctly, Starsky reported that it took 12 to 18 months before he and Mrs. Starsky finally settling in the M after she broke off with her XOM.
You're doing need to dig deep for patience. I can send you a special delivery of a gold plated shovel for more patience.
I told him that I am very frustrated being separated because I don’t feel like it really gives us much chance to work on the M.
You might want to change your perception here. You might want to view it as a golden opportunity to build up on the positives while you are separated and will draw H slowly back to you (and back in the house). It is your impatience that's tripping you up. Look at H as a new boyfriend and that you're in the courting phase.
You are re-learning about each other and getting to know each other. With that approach, I believe you and H will be reconciled.
What you've done over the past 1 to 2 months has been WORKING like a charm. Just not on your illusive timetable. Jettison whatever timetable you have in your head and just ENJOY the process as a courting couple.
He thinks that we can still work on the M while separated and maybe we can *some* but I really don’t think we can seriously until we’re under the same roof.
You're so dug in on this POV that you continue to do this at your own peril and the M's peril. Girl, you need to be more flexible and just allow the process to unfold naturally. Your fears and anxieties are really hurting you.
We've seen many, many marriages restored while the couple were separated. You can do this too, MDU!!! light, soft bop on your head
In the end I told him that I am not initiating things anymore, that if he wants to fix all this he has to step up and show some initiative.
I don't think it was the right thing to say as it came out of sheer frustration and pain.
As MDW says in her good book, continue doing what works and stop going down cheeseless tunnels.
You've done such a great job in the last 1 to 2 months and I honestly & genuinely believe that you are drawing H back to you.
And now you throw up your arms and act like a petulant child in the sandbox throwing out her toys because the other child didn't do what you expected and wanted.
So going forward, I suggest that you do the following:
1) Focus on the positives and make a note of them in your solutions journal 2) Continue doing what works (baking, perfume, accepting H's invitations) 3) Be light and breezy around H 4) Give your fears, anxieties and frustrations the stiff arm 5) Order 2 to 3 cases of STFU juice from the Wonka Factory
It is okay to take a break and get some space for a while to regain your balance and center. Then go back on the DB wagon with Starsky, Train, Wonka, and others circling you as your MDU Brigade.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
mdu---I am following along with you and for what it's worth, I think you're doing great considering what/who you've got to work with. (Hahah )
I agree with Wonka that your H is making some big strides.
Sure, they're bogged down in OW weirdness, his personal issues... but he's in counseling, he's talking.
That's a big plus.
Like Wonka said, hold onto the POSITIVES.
Feel the pain, have a good cry, then try and refocus on what's going right.
(Now if I could just take my own advice.,, I'm working on that!)
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Unless I've misinterpreted your post, mdu, I saw negativity but no outbursts? Am I right? If I am, that's progress! Don't turn back now!
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
