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Hey, that's what I'm here for! wink


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Just called my doc to find out what to do about being so tired all the time (I'm assuming it's because of the ADs). It's really becoming an issue and I feel like could bring me down if I don't get on top of it. Actually, it is sort of bringing me down already because my motivation is so low, I want to go to bed early and sleep in late. I end up leaving the office to work at home just so I can kick back with my laptop on the couch. Getting much LESS done than normal. My mood has definitely leveled off but this side effect is not good.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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One thing I am trying to make sense of is the idea of 'slow and steady' yet many folks who have been successful really slammed down the hammer pretty rapidly and hard (lawyers, heading down the D path) and things turned in their favor quickly.

I guess I'm not understanding how 'slow and steady' with H is realistically going to land us where I want to be? It seems like all it's going to do is put is permenately in limbo.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Not that I am in any way a vet, but it seems to me that the people who did that were in situations with a lot greater conflict than you or I have had. Train and T0324 both had H's who really put the screws to them financially and were truly cruel personally, so they had to seriously stand up for themselves for the entire experience just to get by.

That said, I wish I had initially taken a MUCH harder line with my H last year. It's too late to take that path now, though, so I'm going to have to go with slow and steady and hope that it leads to a more lasting marriage at the end.

Lesson learned...


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Originally Posted By: mdu


I guess I'm not understanding how 'slow and steady' with H is realistically going to land us where I want to be?



It can be done, and although I'm clearly in the "come down hard and early" camp around here, there ARE advantages to the "slow and steady" approach (less damage to the wayward spouse that you'll have to salve for one). MOST of the reason I advise against going slow is YOUR ability to handle it. It takes a really incredible person to be able to stand for more than about six months, I've found.

However:

a) you ARE a pretty incredible person, mdu, when you keep your emotional reactivity in check -- I think you can do it!; and

b) as was just pointed out to you, your relationship with your H right now is pretty good -- not a lot of confrontation and adversarial stuff like a lot of us were going thru.

I recommend coming down HARD AND FAST when there is a definite PA or EA, the betrayed spouse knows, the wayward spouse KNOWS that you know, and then they are unrepentant/in-your-face about it. Because in those situations, a lot of damage can be done by the entitlement-fueled wayward spouse, and they will also rapidly lose respect (and therefore attraction, and therefore LOVE) when they perceive the betrayed spouse's "standing" as a sign of WEAKNESS.

In my opinion.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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mdu Offline OP
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Thx Maybell & Starsky. I just continue to be amazed by the wisdom here, both vets and relative newbies.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Interestingly, I do feel like I've taken a somewhat hard approach with H at various times throughout this whole ordeal. When I first discovered the A I made him call and tell his family (his parents and his eldest son). Of course I had him call the OW and end it, although he insisted on doing that privately which I regret. I initiated him leaving the house during both our first separation and this current one because I could not tolerate his moodiness, lack of commitment to working on the M and obvious pining for OW. So, if it's in my face and I can and will take a stand.

But this current sitch with OW in the office and I don't know what's *really* going on is so tough. I feel like perhaps I am being taken advantage of and should take a stand but I just don't know. I kind of wish I had better intel than just joint CC and his phone records --- both of which he knows I can access.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
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Quote:
That said, I wish I had initially taken a MUCH harder line with my H last year. It's too late to take that path now, though, so I'm going to have to go with slow and steady and hope that it leads to a more lasting marriage at the end.


Totally disagree with that statement.

I've also heard the phrase.."A blowout is better than a small leak" (which I have found to be true.)

So, it's too late to do a 180? That's not how I interpret DR and DB. I actually understand it to mean, when what you are doing isn't working, that doing a complete 180 is called for and necessary. Then monitor results. Try to find something that works.

Find Bumble B's thread. I think it is in MLC.
Then go find Why Try's thread.. I believe he has been in Newcomers...

Why Try is Bumble B's Husband...

He didn't turn around until she let go and took a hard stance. She was on here for months and months with barely any movement in him. Finally you can see her letting go and then finally she DID let go.

He then came on here and didn't tell us who he was. He wouldn't even say if he was a man or woman for awhile.

He even commented on her thread acting as if he was just another BS. He KNEW it was her. That was her last response that I know of right before his comment.

She went all that time taking the slow and easy approach and slowly she got stronger and started to let go.
Once she started to tire of it and REALLY LET GO, he turned around FAST. Read their threads and see for yourself.

Last I knew, he was STILL trying to win her back and she is still wanting out, but hasn't left. Total turnaround in who wants the relationship and who doesn't.

It may be too late. It also may not be too late.

Just my opinion.


Justin Credible
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Quote:
I recommend coming down HARD AND FAST when there is a definite PA or EA, the betrayed spouse knows, the wayward spouse KNOWS that you know, and then they are unrepentant/in-your-face about it. Because in those situations, a lot of damage can be done by the entitlement-fueled wayward spouse, and they will also rapidly lose respect (and therefore attraction, and therefore LOVE) when they perceive the betrayed spouse's "standing" as a sign of WEAKNESS.


I agree with that Starsky.
I would also say that there are some Waywards who lie and hide the fact they are interested in someone else and/or are having an affair. They keep the BS hanging for months on end. Many will NEVER admit it until finally getting caught and even then, some will keep denying while the BS keeps giving them the benefit of the doubt.. Time after time after time.

I find many BS's almost helping the WS hide the affair because what they don't know doesn't hurt them and also if they don't know, they come to the conclusion that means there is no affair. I think it is hiding one's head in the sand. They take the no snooping to the opposite extreme. They refuse to even consider any evidence..............

So whether they know for sure there is an affair or whether they don't know for sure there is an affair, doesn't mean there isn't one going on. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Some allow it to go on because of the fear of knowing the truth and maybe aren't ready to handle it. I can't tell you (and I am sure you know too, Starsky) how many people on this site alone that I have heard say their spouse is not having an affair, only to learn later (and sometimes months and months later) that they were indeed wrong. They are then thrown back to square one emotionally and feel like they have to start all over with the whole process, which could have been avoided by finding out what you are up against right from the start instead of taking all the blame the WS throws at you for months on end only to realize some of it is a smokescreen for them having an affair by throwing the guilt on the BS and their supposed failures.


Justin Credible
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mdu Offline OP
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Gah, so I must confess that I had a setback last night. H has the kids this week and I was supposed to take them last night but I was feeling guilty about all the back and forth we are putting them through so I told H that he can just keep them instead of bringing them back to me in the am. He was at the house when I got home, mowed the lawn for me and somehow suddenly I was really overcome with sadness. The tears started coming and I quickly walked away but he saw. He asked me what's wrong and I just said "there's just a lot going on" (not just H but my Dad's illness too, H is aware of this). I said that I would be ok and that was about it.

After he left I went out with a friend, we had a good evening out to eat, drinks and then hung out on the beach chatting for a while. It was fun but I really need to branch out on my GAL --- too much eating and drinking!

So that's the latest


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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