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The way he is acting now, nope I do not want him back. But I believe I do miss the H that I used to know.


what you said there is the key to it all.

Dating, while it does help decide what I want and give perspective, also greatly complicates things. My W tends to be less aggressive when it comes to relationship things. By that I mean I always have to be the one to initiate (even during our great times). She has used other words to describe it which I cannot remember, but the basic premise is she feels intimidated/unsure/insecure. While I will not mind read, if I was in Vegas and had to place a bet, I would say it is a fair assumption she is still unsure about our R. She was unhappy and did not know who/what else to blame so it was me. And while I was not perfect, she is probably realizing I was not as bad as she once convinced herself of. Dating someone else openly would likely seal the D in her eyes. That does not mean I have not planted the seed of curiosity of what am I doing in regards to other women.

Right now, on this visit, she is noticeably less affectionate as she has been during recent months. That could be due to a million things. I am sure the recent disagreement on the schools and money played a significant part. But we are still very pleasant together. We smile and laugh. We do things with the kids together. There are no awkward moments of silence were we sit uncomfortably. But there is no physical affection being initiated from her as there was a few weeks ago when she would corner me and hug and not want to let go and just squeeze. I was surprised she asked me if I was going to get an apt near her soon. I also get it that she is going to be in her new place on her own (really for the first time in her life) and she will probably want to experience things for herself. This by default puts off any possibility for R for the next few months.

Again, just rambling. At the end of the day I do not have to do anything for another month. Just venting some frustration from limboland.

Thanks for keeping up with my soap opera smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 207
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Hey pilot how ya doing buddy...hope you are well...gonna go read back through your thread and catch up.


Me: 42
W: 39
D: 2 age 6 and 9
D-Day: Dec 29 13
Seperated: 3/20/14
Mediation retainer : 5/20/14
She filed: 06/25/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Pilot you are so right about similarities with sitch. My w was same way with relationship. I am convinced it is from low self esteem do to her R with father growing up. In fact when girls have this issue it's not if it will effect there relationships in a negative way but when. You sounds like things are fixable in your sitch. You get along well nothing jumps out like it's a done deal with m. Limbo isn't the best place to be but it has a purpose.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Pilot, igit,

My W also has low self-esteem issues; her dad abandoned her family when she was very little. Seems like that causing problems later in a marriage are a certainty. I cannot remember who posited the idea, but if you google chaos kid, there is a really good explanation of what is going on in their (w's) mind and why. Almost like a MLC but it happens in late 20s and early 30s.

My W is supermodel beautiful but she always was worried about me leaving and being abandoned, and had/has an irrational jealousy regarding all other women ever since I have known her. Maybe your W has the same issues? I recall your wife was very young too; too early for a MLC.

Not sure what good it does to know what issues in childhood caused the problem because all I care about at this point is how to fix it.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Casey, igit,

Funny you bring up the dad issue. That was actually a focal point in the few MC sessions we went to. It turns out, or at least the C pried it out of her, that she is afraid of her dad. Not physically, but I guess paternally would be a good way to describe it. She is very close with her mother, but her dad is the one she 'fears' if that makes sense. I will google chaos kid and see what I can learn from that.

My W has had jealousy issues regarding women from my past. It is not that I ever gave her a reason to be jealous. She knew other women were wanting to be where she was. But if one ever came up in a conversation or we ran into one, she would always be quick to talk poorly about that person afterwards. I always felt she was trying to reassure me she was a better choice by pointing out flaws in the other girls. I would always agree with her so I did not give her any reason to worry or think something was up.

And igit, you may be right. There may not be any one single kill shot in our marital drama. And it may very well be fixable. My W has never been able to narrow it down during our talks as to what was wrong. It always centered around 'its just a feeling' she has of unhappiness. Then she would go and say she thought it was because we lived in a certain town, and if we moved things would be better. Always something, and if that changed, things would be better. Eventually she said she allowed herself to think it might be me. A week later, BD. I am just not sure I have the gas left in me to reignite the flame. While DB is definitely an effective tool for rebuilding your own life, it can also at the same time really wear down on your own self esteem. On one hand you have a woman who wants nothing to do with you and will make it known to you, and on the other, you have other women who are actively trying to have a shot at you, and doing and saying all the things which make you feel good about yourself and you look for in a partner. So why keep at it with the one who makes you feel like you are failing? Isn't life too short?

I really think she wants the freedom to explore whatever it is she is searching for, but wants the security of me at the same time. She wants the emotional security and friendship when she needs it, as well as a financial safety net. I have a feeling she is going to fall flat financially in the next few months. She is moving into a new apt and taking on new expenses, while having no job and maybe enough money saved to get her by the first few weeks, maybe a month. Her parents have told her they will not be helping her, although I think they will to some degree. Which means when the piggy bank comes dry, she will look to me...again. And I am not sure I want to be there for her. Not that I want her to fail, I just want her to understand what real life is like. She has never had to be on her own. She went straight from college to living with her aunt in my town, to having a roommate for a couple months, then to moving in with me. Our lifestyle was pretty exciting to say the least. Our cost of living was more in a month than she will make this year with the jobs she is looking for. I think it will be a good thing to have the value of money put back into perspective for her.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 63
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Quote:
I really think she wants the freedom to explore whatever it is she is searching for, but wants the security of me at the same time. She wants the emotional security and friendship when she needs it, as well as a financial safety net.


This describes my W perfectly. When all this started, the talk was about needing space and needing to be free to experience life and "make her own mistakes". My W also pretty much went straight from living at home with her mother, grandmother, and nephews to being a W living on a military installation on the other side of the world. Except for a very short period of time when she lived in a dormitory at the university in the capitol she had never been on her own.

It is so strange how so many of these stories are so similar; like one could just copy and past from other threads and just change job and location details to have it describe our situations perfectly.

As to falling on their face financially, I think that experience has to be the teacher here. I think my W is smart enough and sane enough to know that moving out would drastically lower her standard of living to the point that she would feel real suffering, yet she still talks about doing so because her need to get away from me is so strong.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Posts: 241
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Quote:
On one hand you have a woman who wants nothing to do with you and will make it known to you, and on the other, you have other women who are actively trying to have a shot at you, and doing and saying all the things which make you feel good about yourself and you look for in a partner. So why keep at it with the one who makes you feel like you are failing? Isn't life too short?


Blah I hear you pilot. I have been noticably under the radar here for the last two weeks after finding about wife's OM. its like WTF I have been dbing my a$$ off and now this. And a woman that is fine and interested in me....I am just mad and don't know if she is worth it...she doesnt give a dam about me.

Well maybe dating as suggested before will clear my/our heads (not each other dude! the ladies lol)
but its a question of seeing if there is juice in the tank to go forward with M or get that healing so you can go forward knowing its the best thing.
Gotta keep the DB principles but ....sometimes life answers us differently. Still in your corner bro


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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Originally Posted By: rayzzz

Well maybe dating as suggested before will clear my/our heads (not each other dude! the ladies lol)


Haha, oh come on now rayzzz. Throw on a blonde wig for me and pretend to be just over 5 ft tall. smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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pilot Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Casey
[quote]

It is so strange how so many of these stories are so similar; like one could just copy and past from other threads and just change job and location details to have it describe our situations perfectly.


You are absolutely right Casey. And this is where the real value of this forum comes into play. It is reading the stories of people who are 2 steps ahead of you. See what they did right and what they did wrong. And how things turned out for them. Not a perfect science, but definitely has value.

I called my FIL today and spoke with him briefly. I asked him if he would be angry if I went ahead and divorced his daughter like she asked for. I told him I was just tired. He understood and said he would not be angry and said it is between my W and I. He would be sad, but he would understand and knows that I tried.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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Aw pilot, sorry to hear you are feeling hopeless and/or defeated. Give it a little time, no need to make a decision today.

For what it's worth I'm blonde and around 5ft. LOL. :P

It is creepy how all these stories are so similar. But I bet every WAS thinks their feelings are totally unique.

Hang in there!
Hugs, Lisa

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