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DBinSF Offline OP
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Thanks for the interpretation of the text, y'all. Maybell, hang in there. Sorry you're having a rough week.

-DB


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Apr 2014
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DB, a lot of people have weighed in for you here... Have you ever gone to check out any of our threads?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Yes, quite a few. I just don't feel qualified to provide any advice or feedback.


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Why not? You've got perspective that we crave.

And even if you don't feel like you have any good advice, why don't you at least let people know you were there by offering support? Lots of people say "I don't have anything to add, but I hear you."

You'd be surprised at how good it feels to give in that way.

And it changes the way people see you, if you are visibly engaging with stories other than your own.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Well... My writing exercise continues. Even if I'm not supposed to send it any time soon...
---------------
Julia,

Thank you again for the kind and vulnerable message on my birthday. It really meant a lot to me. I felt your gesture merited a more thoughtful response, even a few weeks later…

I hear you that it really [censored] to “rebuild” at this point. I realize you are still very angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be. When I think of what I did, I can still barely believe it. I betrayed and deceived you in a way no one should ever have to endure. There is no excuse, and you did nothing to cause it. I am so very sorry.

I’m also sorry for my selfish inability to respect your requests for space in the months after the breakup, for my glib attempts to reconnect and minimize what happened, and for a laundry list of other things I did over the course of our relationship that stymied our growth and caused you ongoing insecurity and pain.

Working with Greg and others, I’ve come to understand just how much pain my actions have caused. I know I have to accept your decision. I just want you to be able to heal and be happy again.

Julia, please know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. If someday you’d like to revisit this conversation or if there’s any way I can make amends to you, I would welcome that opportunity. In the meantime, I wish you love, health, and happiness wherever your path may lead.

Always,
Your loving me


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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DB, that's a nice letter and I hope you feel everything that's in it.

Still don't send it. It's the sort of thing you might be able to send someday if you two are ever in personal communication. After you've established a little post-affair history together. If you sent it now it would sound like more of the same.

How are you feeling after checking in with others? Do you sense a difference in yourself after connecting with other people, even if they didn't connect back?

The generosity of spirit is the point.

Hope you're well.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Thanks, Maybell. I hear you, although I don't agree this would be more of he same. All my apologies to date have been shrill and pleading. They have been "I'm sorry, now can we get back together?"

Just being clear. This is my first attempt at a no strings attached apology.


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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And yes, it's been nice to "hug it out" virtually with some other people. Thanks for the suggestion. smile


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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I have learned that it's much easier to be clear-eyed about other people's situations than my own. In my own case I have no perspective at all. You read my post about contingent communication? The same is true for you. Your tone may feel different to you but Julia won't necessarily see it that way. It's a nice letter. Don't waste it by using it at a time when she can't appreciate it.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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I'm not being argumentative, but curious... How do you know she can't hear it?


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
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