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Maybell,

I'm sorry you have some challenging times with your D. She is at a difficult age and if she is anything like my D when she loses it, then it's beyond difficult to reign things back in. Those epic meltdowns are something fierce.

I hesitate to post this and I'm going to anyway. Your post resonated with me regarding you doing the child rearing, housework, fixing things, etc and your h wondered why you didn't initiate sex. Been there, felt that. I worked for a start up company (i.e 24 hour grind) for 18 months. I loved my h so much although I was secretly envious of my coworkers whose h's told them to go get a massage, or took the kids somewhere, etc. I worked 18 hour days sometimes, stayed up all night while kids were sick, took them to DR, cleaned the house, etc and yet my h was overwhelmed. Grrr.

No 2x4s from me for the text. We all have to release sometimes. Regroup because tomorrow is a new day:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Rolls eye, boys cane be just as difficult trust me

Just read about my son! He tired to pull the husband father act on me!
No you are my son, not my jailer.

Sigh.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Maybell - I'm sending lots of hugs. You have a lot to deal with, and it's just not right that you have to deal with all of this alone. No one could blame you for losing it with him, or for feeling like you're starting to hate him and might never want to reconcile. And although it's not DB, I think sometimes it's important to let people know how we really feel, particularly when it's harmful not only to us, but also to children, who are the very people our spouses are supposed to be caring for and protecting.

Why would you want to work on a relationship with someone who only does what's convenient for him, what feeds into his happiness, and who won't step up when it counts?

I'm so sorry that you feel cheated. I think it's a sentiment that's pretty widely shared around here, particularly when talking about walk away spouses who aren't even doing the bare minimum in terms of taking on adult responsibilities and leaving their left behind spouses to manage everything, and especially the not fun stuff. It sounds to me like you've been hauling the freight for a long time now and that's just not fair.

I wish I had some amazing suggestions for you in terms of what to do next, but I'm just as lost and don't even have experience with kids to draw on. But here's the general advice that I always seem to get when things seem awful. Try to be gentle on yourself. Make sure that you eat. Take care of you. Get some sleep. Things are likely to look a good deal better in the morning. And please don't be hard on yourself for reacting like you did. This is a lousy situation, and your H. is out of line and not living up to his responsibilities.


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H - 36
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BD - March, 2014
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I just wanted to come back in and give you ((((hugs)))) maybell.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Calmer now.

I'm not sorry for snapping at him. At minimum he should have checked in to see if things were calmer. D11 did calm down eventually, even asked me to read to them rather than let them have a show, and lay with her head in my lap for a minute when the boys went up to bed. It must be exhausting for her to freak out like that.

No, I'm not sorry about it. He should hear the truth. Things are awkward because he has made choices that hurt us. I don't need to sugarcoat that. He's beyond selfish; wouldn't even let the kids eat his tomatoes when they stayed with him this weekend, and didn't have anything else fresh in the apartment for them.

I do not need to let myself continue to be hurt by him, though. I've let my PMA and my detachment slip. I was fighting so hard for my detachment with D11 tonight. SO hard. She's worth it. I'm feeling like H may not be. It hurts my boys when I let myself be overwhelmed by all this frustration. They come to comfort me and they shouldn't have to do that. I need to be impervious to H's bad choices for their sake. Life happens. This could be a lot worse.

There are a lot of people on these boards worse off than me and they're doing a lot better than I am. I need to step it up again and remember who I want to be. I don't want to think about being abandoned. I want to feel liberated.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Mentally you are so much further along than I am. I seriously admire your strength and grace, Maybell.

I really don't think that you nee to be impervious to your husband's choices for the sake of your boys. Them seeing you frustrated and upset and picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and plowing ahead is the greatest example you can set for them. In fact, they'll be hard pressed to find wives to match that strength example so you are teaching them, through your actions just the way they are, that you're human and you're bound to stumble and get upset but you are standing up for yourself and your children. There is NOTHING better to teach your sons. Imperviousness teaches them something that doesn't exist; it's just not reality. Be you, just as you are. Be who you want to be and I promise they see will continue to see your strength, your grace and your power.

Stand tall. You're one hell of a mother.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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You Rock Maybelle! Stay Feisty!


2 Ds: 7 and 4
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Divorce Final 2/16
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Oh wow - I seem to have missed the bit about him not even following up. That's just...well, I dunno what that is, but it's at least a few different kinds of not cool. There's a lot of selfishness and self-focus going on there.

I don't know much about what's good for kids to see and what's not, but I wonder if it's not a bad thing for them to see you upset because it highlights how much they matter to you and how high your standards are for them and how they're treated. On top of that, like Ss06 said, it shows strength in the face of adversity and how to be a strong, capable, together person even when things aren't going the way that you want them to.

These things are pretty awful for you to have to deal with on their own, but after things were feeling like they were moving forward I imagine that this has been even more of a letdown and a disappointment. But perhaps this can be a way of getting back to the place that you want to be in terms of feeling more liberated. You're the one who behaved appropriately, took care of your kids when they needed you, and showed them a good role model. You're the one with the power and the strength and as much as it isn't fun you're doing amazing without him!


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Maybell,

I'm so sorry to hear about your rough day. No 2x4's... you are human. Every time my D is difficult, I mutter "I hate you H" under my breath.

Something you wrote really stood out to me:
"It must be exhausting for her to freak out like that."

I think this is really key. As hard as it is for us (and it is HARD)... our kids are resilient, but also fragile and far less equipped to deal with the transitions and upheavals. I've found that when my D has a doozy meltdown (pretty frequently), I remind myself that if she could handle it better, she would. I'm sure she doesn't enjoy writhing on the floor screaming her head off. But, she is a child. Vent away, because boy do they know how to push our buttons. But also try to DB your D! Validate, set boundaries, etc. etc.

(And, for the record, I teach 11 year olds.. they are eerily similar to pre-schoolers. I would not discount the effects of the physical and hormonal changes on their emotional state and ability to handle stress!!!)

Lots of hugs. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Originally Posted By: Meghan
Maybell - I'm sending lots of hugs. You have a lot to deal with, and it's just not right that you have to deal with all of this alone. No one could blame you for losing it with him, or for feeling like you're starting to hate him and might never want to reconcile. And although it's not DB, I think sometimes it's important to let people know how we really feel, particularly when it's harmful not only to us, but also to children, who are the very people our spouses are supposed to be caring for and protecting.


What Meghan said!
Good luck Maybell, we are all rooting for you. Sorry you are having a crappy time. Come here and vent to us. Hugs, Lisa

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