Kids were FaceTiming H this evening when D11 lost her sh!t. H mildly said "D11, don't talk like that." Meantime she's screaming names at her brothers, kicking things, and stomping all over the place. It took an hour to get her calmed down. It was directed at me a LOT. It was absolutely horrible.
I lost my temper. I felt the abandonment. He never even followed up with me to see if she had gotten better. I sent him a text that "Thank you very much for leaving me alone to deal with all this by myself and for adding to D11's difficulties. I hope your happiness is worth it."
I don't even care any more if we never reconcile. I don't want him back if he can do this to me. I don't care if he dates a hundred skanky twenty-somethings or if he finds the love of his life fifteen minutes from now. I don't think I can forgive him for this. He knows exactly what he's left me with and he doesn't even care. I think I may even be beginning to hate him.
He said "I'm sorry. But I'm not going to fight with you that way. I'm really sorry about D11 tonight."
I answered "Very convenient."
Yes, it was hateful. But it was not remotely close to what he deserves for being a cr@ppy husband and a cr@ppy father. I don't want him back. I deserve better. A lot better. And to think he wants things to not be awkward. What a jerk.
Last edited by Maybell; 08/20/1412:50 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I got nothing except a hug. I'm so sorry. How utterly and totally frustrating.
Can you get a mommy break for yourself sometime soon? This time of year is brutally hard. Lots of transitions for the kids and they act all kinds of bonkers. Add to it Daddy checking out and you've got a full-blown nightmare on your hands. You need to take care of you, too.
My daughter has always been difficult, and I think it was a contributing factor in H checking out. She is also generally difficult this time of year. And starting middle school in a few days. And didn't want to talk to H but felt like she had to. And coping with "becoming a woman." And H checked out. They just spent a weekend with him and she said she doesn't like that he never prepares them meals, doesn't have their favorite foods, doesn't have produce in the house (she eats a TON of fruit), and doesn't have anything for them to do. And of course the fact that he's not here means that if I've been dealing with her being difficult, there is no one to parent her if I need to go off and calm down for a bit and it's MUCH harder to calm down when I'm so aware that he has an obligation to be here that he has decided to abandon.
My SAHD friend took the kids to lunch today so I could work with my brother on my resume. He's engaged and playful with his kids compared to my H, and that bleeds over in how he treats my kids as well. And another of my friends stayed home and spent a week redecorating his D11's bedroom as a surprise for her birthday while his wife had the kids at her mother's. My D saw the video of her friend reacting to her new room and said she wished H would do something like that for her. She said it again to him the other day and asked if he'd do that for her birthday and he didn't answer her. Stupid git didn't even make a space for her in his apartment, let alone do something loving and generous like that.
I don't know how there could possibly be a path back for us. He's never going to be a reliable partner to me.
I can't believe no one has scolded me for that text.
Last edited by Maybell; 08/20/1401:37 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Seriously- time for triage. Daughter transitioning to school and womanhood is going to be the pits, so gird yourself for that. (Have you talked to her school guidance counselor by any chance? I actually stopped in to the HS yesterday and filled them in on our current situation. D finding out about OW was a pretty big bomb for a 15 year old, so I want them to keep an eye on her there...)
You, as always, need to take care of you.
H has got to figure out how to have the kids at his house. He's a big boy who has made some big boy decisions. You don't have to help with that. Kids can complain, but I would steer them right back to daddy. "You need to talk to your dad about that..."
Sending good thoughts your way tonight. Sounds like you have your hands full. As for the text, I think you get to be human every once in a while, even while DBing. Really hope tomorrow is a better day!
I dont think anyone will scold you for reaching your breaking point. Lord knows you have tried. Who knows what your feelings will be in a few days. But I do not think anyone will blame you for having those feelings right now. We all have those feelings. It is the lucky ones like you who get to vent them out at your spouse! I know you are upset, frustrated, and at your wits end, but believe me, just about everyone here wants to do what you just did.
I hope tomorrow brings you a little more joy than today.
Best of luck to you!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
oh maybell, I'm SO sorry you had to deal with that alone. I can seriously empathize.
My D6 is more than a handful and part of my deep seeded resentment toward H is that he was never around to handle her SEVERE meltdowns over the last almost 7 years. He was always video-game-dad or Disneyland-dad but never homework-dad or chore-dad or meltdown-dad or up-at-2-am-because-she-can't-sleep-dad. Now that we're separated he is more present during the times he's with D meaning he's not obsessively on his laptop or phone while snapping at her. This is a GREAT thing and I'm happy for him and D because they are building a good relationship. OTOH, his absence has brought about a lot of anger in D and I get to clean up that mess every. damn. day.
I am impressed that you let him know you were upset by him not having to deal with her meltdown. It's not within the DB philosophy but my goodness, how would he know otherwise?! He needs to know what his destructive behavior is doing to EVERYONE.
Why do they get to walk away and leave any sense of responsibility behind for us to pick up on top of everything else we're dealing with as LBS. It's more angering than hurtful and so unfair for the children.
I hate this. I hate this for me and I hate it for you, too.
The elementary counselor knows about it but the middle school doesn't open till Friday so I'm not sure I can do much till then.
My kids are really accustomed to just taking their dad for who he is. They don't seem to expect a whole lot from him. When S6 was a toddler I told him I needed help, I couldn't be full time on 24/7 anymore, so he started taking them to lunch on Saturdays every week. After a couple of months they got pretty tired of being interrupted like that and didn't enjoy it anymore, but they didn't ask him to do anything different. They never asked him to take them to the park or teach them to ride two-wheeled bikes or anything. They just accepted that that was as much as he was going to do.
I'm starting to see how much other spouses help one another and I'm feeling really cheated. My brothers take their kids away a time or two a year so my SILs can get a break at home. I know dads who take their kids camping, or fishing, or to baseball and football games. My H wants the kids to sit in his lap and watch college football while he drinks beer, but they get squirmy and go off to play and he never tries to help them understand what he likes about it.
What on earth have I stuck up for him so long for?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell ((hugs)) to you. I have found that the preteen years can be as challenging as the teen ones. Being 11 is hard enough without having to deal with walk away dad.
I don't blame you one bit for the anger and I'm kind of there myself. I'm not angry especially but if H can hurt my kids then I'm not sure I want him back. Not that he's offering...
