Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 4

[Wonka]

1Wish,

i obviously dont want her dancing...

Why do you feel this way?
What is it about dancing that you don't like?

I mean...you don't like W wearing shorts, and now dancing?

It looks like you want to keep W chained in the neck area and bolted to the kitchen floor. You just want to keep W as your slave and servant.

If she is not there to serve you, then you don't like W's independent interests outside of the house. By golly! She cannot have a life outside of you! Oh my! That would just dent your sense of worth.

Do you see how silly that is at all??!

[MrBond]

"i obviously dont want her dancing.. but i accept it because it makes her happy and that itself makes me happy. Just want to be a good husband."

What do you mean you "obviously" don't want her dancing. What's wrong with that? First the shorts now the dancing. Do you consider her a slut for dancing too?

I thought you said you wanted to learn how to be a more compassionate husband towards her. You're just going through the motions without REALLY feeling it or trying to understand. If all you're doing is the action without believing in them, then all you'll do is build resentment in yourself towards her.

Which is SO obvious when you post. In fact, you NEVER addressed my questions as to what you plan to do in terms of learning empathy. You still seem to refuse to go to C for yourself which would help tremendously. I had put my faith in you. Seems like I was wrong because all I see is the same insecure boy who doesn't want to grow up.

"I keep stressing when im at work and need to detach again. I dont usually leave the house to go and do stuff because she gets lonely and gets upset about it. So thats a bit difficult."

More excuses from you. If you actually told her that you were going to go to C to learn how to be a better H, she would practically drive you to the office herself.

Are you going to keep up the excuses or act like a man for once and get help?

[1Wish]

So i took her out to a expensive restaursnt for her birthday and got her a nice michael kors watch that she loves.

We were talkin about halloween and also getting a cat.. but she still seems confused on what she wants.. her actions tells me she wants to be with me.. as shes always holding me and cuddling up to me.. gets jelous still.. and also wants me home all the time with her.. but she says she doesnt want to be married.. she asked as a joke cant we unmarry and then marry later.. she says she doesnt know what shes gna do.. she says she'll see after her holiday or when shes ready.. which could be awhile she said.

Ive been really good in terms of not talking about the r and just enjoying the moments with her.

Looking to start a venture witha friend where we make a youtube videos to gal.. still difficult nit to think about it all..

I did say to her thay next yr im going to book a skydive and push her off as a joke and she replied nooo seriousky dont im scared and could die. If you book it i wont go..

I do txt her a bit during work which im working on and also question her.. but general questions such as what did you buy today and what not but she dont like it. So going to change what doesnt work and thats questions.

If she loves me and always holds me and what not how can she end it? She even said i make her happy but i jus dont understand her or get her apparantly.

[MrBond]

You're sweeping your problems under the rug again. I stood up for you but I guess you don't want to change.

You never answered the question... "Are you going to keep up the excuses or act like a man for once and get help?"

[1Wish]

You're sweeping your problems under the rug again. I stood up for you but I guess you don't want to change.

You never answered the question... "Are you going to keep up the excuses or act like a man for once and get help?"

You did stand up for me and i appreciate that. You actually do want my marriage saved and i respect that for someone that doesnt know me. I guess its because you have been in the same position and its not nice.

I will go back to counselling.. to be fair my counsellar was crap.. he told me stuff i already knew.. went for 4 sessions.. waste of money..

[MrBond]

And what did you actually talk to your C about? He is only as good as what you tell him.

Have you ever brought up the subject of MC to your W?

[Wonka]

I will go back to counselling.. to be fair my counsellar was crap.. he told me stuff i already knew.. went for 4 sessions.. waste of money..

Not sure which is which. The counselor is actually crappy or you not listening to him.

If it is the former, then you will need to seek out a different IC who will actually give you real solutions and work on your issues.

[1Wish]

Need help.. was too embarrassed to ask since the last time i was here and how i was.. but i want to be a man and ask for help..

Anyone willing to do this for me?

[MrBond]

Asking for help wasn't the problem. You didn't want to listen to the advice and instead was quite critical of your W after.

So what is your question and you can see if anyone answers.

[25yearsmlc]

Need help.. was too embarrassed to ask since the last time i was here and how i was.. but i want to be a man and ask for help..

Anyone willing to do this for me?

I'm confused. Do what "for" you? We cannot ask for help FOR you. I can offer you help/advice.


But I did that before.

1wish, I'm almost 100% positive that you took ZERO advice from me, Bond, Wonka, Claire and or anyone that I can think of, here. I cannot think of one thing we suggested that you did. But You did A LOT that we advised against you doing....

Hey, I'm Not trying to slap you around about it, just want to ask you a question.

What can WE make of that ^^ fact, except that you ONLY want advice that is very easy for you to take?

Thing is, NONE of us have advice that is easy!

None of us got any "easy" advice for our situations either, but we kept at it. Some of us have restored our marriages; some have not.

But I and every DBer I just named above ^^^, HAVE DONE HARD WORK ON OURSELVES. All of us are better for it.

We took advice. The question remains,

CAN YOU FOLLOW ADVICE - even when you think it'll be difficult??

IF NOT, then save yourself (and us) some time and heartache.

Give up on the m to this woman. Go to school, grow into the man you want to become & either try to get your wife back OR find another woman who'll be your partner, lover, friend, & mother of your children;

OR stay the same as you are now, but if you do that, you need to marry a woman who will do as she is told, and never question you. Probably a fundamentalist Muslim woman...

Granted, there are many trade offs to the Boss/Servant type of marriage.

For instance, you'll never know if you as 1Wish really are lovable, as opposed to feared.

In a marriage that allows one person (i.e. the man) to control everything --from what the wife wears to WHETHER she will speak, let alone WHAT she says...

the Man will never be loved for who HE really is, but will be "obeyed" b/c of a cultural bigotry that enables bullying & prevents/suppresses individuality...

AND granted, a relationship of Unequals is never as genuine or real as one between equals,

AND granted, a marriage where one person makes all the choices, can be tiring & frustrating for both people,

AND Granted, you'll limit the amount of TRUE intimacy in a marriage b/c no subservient woman can feel very close to the man who controls and dominates her...

but maybe having a woman who feels a deep, mature Love for you, who knows the real you and loves you anyhow,

is NOT as important as having a woman you can control.


Decide what matters MOST to you, decide to take advice even when it's hard

OR decide not to and move along.

Let us know what you decide,okay?