Que Sera Sera

[TL72*]

LoisB - great comments - I've had some of those wow moments and when you figure out that there IS a purpose and a silver lining, that you really have grown and learned something from all this - it really is a great feeling. So difficult to see in the early days but later on you do realize that there is definitely blessings in it as well.

[Matt165]

Wow interesting discussion,
I'm still trying to find the silver lining, the "purpose" to all that I've been put through by the person I trusted the most. Sure, I realized that there were things that I needed to wake up about, things about myself I needed to learn. It's just that those same lessons could have been learned in ways that didn't hurt me, my kids, my family. Nothing about my M was so very bad that if my w would have just been honest, just a little willing to try, they couldn't have been overcome. I see so much hard work and sacrifice just wasted because my W has become a different person, one with no morals, no values that she once lived by. I see abusers like her father, who for 30 years treated her with disrespect and indifference now destroying my family just like he did his own and getting what he wants, his D back in his life, on his terms. I see my D's having to live with the consequences of the actions of the person they should have been able to count on most, their mother.

I see good people hurt and "bad" people prosper. I've watched someone who I trusted and respected and thought the world of scheme against me and purposely hurt me. Someone who was such an awful liar turn into one who lies with ease. Worse, into someone who has started to believe her own lies!

Maybe some day, in the future, I may find that something good has come from this. Maybe I'll find someone who I'm better suited to spend what's left of my life with. Maybe my D's will learn to be more self sufficient and independent. Maybe I'll find a different purpose for my life. Who knows? But for right now I just can't see anything at all good that has come from or may come from my sitch. I just have to hope that the future will bring that silver lining, that realization that something good has come from the pain and the hurt and the grief.Until than I will just have to keep looking for it and kleep the hope that someday it will reveal itself to me.

[Mighty]

Hey guys. I will update later... sometimes thinking about reality hurts my brain.

Just a quick note, I had lots of time driving in the car on the road trip. The girls slept the entire way there, so I was lucky I didn't have to listen to One Direction the whole way. Yeah, me! I was jamming to my own stuff and... you know, old songs, new meanings????

So... since everyone is checking out songs these days, perhaps this one was written by a mlcer?! Maybe they should listen to it, anyways. Naaa... they wouldn't get it.

Check it out if you wish:

Three Doors Down, "A Better Part of Me"

Saw them in concert with h a few years ago... they were great.

[Atsbaby]

I agree! There are a few of their songs that speak the MLC language!

I love them, saw them with H last year...but they wouldn't get it

[Mighty]

When is the anvil going to be lifted from my chest? Seriously, it is incessantly weighing down. No matter what is going on, it is a heavy burden that I can't seem to release.

OK, so the trip was good. The girls had a great time at One Direction. I was so glad to take them. They sat in the back seat the whole time traveling. They slept the whole way there (niece stayed a few days before we left so they could "get ready"). We had a lot of travel time. Traffic was crazy due to 2 major events side-by-side plus construction. It took an hour and a half to go 2 miles. We sat in the parking garage for almost 2 hours.... and then some. Plus 4.5 hours each way. I didn't mind, just felt like I lived in the car. And, because the girls were together, I had lots of time to think. I don't know if that is good or not.

My emotions were CRAZY! I had a really good time with the girls and it made me so happy to see how excited and sweet they were. It was really cute. At the same time, I was a roller coaster of emotions. My goodness. I would go from being content, to feeling anger and rage, loneliness, sadness, grief, independent, free, numb, you know, the whole gamut.

It's weird though, you know? I mean, you hear from the vets all the things they tell you to do, and they aren't kidding. They really get it and know their stuff. Allowing myself to have these emotions does help. Even though I hate the out-of-control emotions, I do feel so much more in control of my life having endured them. These are my emotions. They are mine alone. They are not based at all on what h or anyone else wants me to have. H would always have an opinion on how he thought I should feel. He never tried to understand my perspective or point of view. It made him very uncomfortable if I felt a way he didn't understand or agree with. I am allowing myself to feel without worrying about what he might think. It is very freeing. Albeit, the emotions and feelings I have are NO FUN! They are based on the terrible thoughts I have about h and hww, about what happened to my m and r. They are about my current sitch and no matter what, I don't think there is any way to repair it. It is so damaged. It is so disgusting. It is so hard to fathom. It is so painful. Yet, it is almost like the roles have reversed. If feel a little like h is such a little kid at the moment. Our communication has been almost non-existent. But I give him no power in my life anymore. I know he feels it. I do think it scares him to think of me not being part of his life. I really do not think that is what he wants. However, there is no way in he11 that I will be his friend like this. He cannot replace his wife and kids with a new family this way and expect me to just say, ok and be supportive. F that. F him. Nope. Not gonna happen. At this point- I've got nothin for that mess.

I don't know what he wants from me. I really don't. He probably does not either. I just think that it is obvious he does not want me, because he is with her. And boy, is he so ever with her. UGH! I don't get it. I don't see it. I just don't understand. I simply just cannot even imagine them together. I just cannot even imagine him in such a committed r with someone. OMG! A 26 yr old to boot! Yuck, yuck, yuck.

I just have so many crazy thoughts-- but I am having a better time being alone than I have in the previous months. It is weird. I am starting to like it much more. I had a thought the other night about how it would be weird to have someone here and would I still like that because I'm now used to being alone. That's a sad thought, but good, because I am alone. I am comfortable in my own skin. But I do get lonely sometimes. It's getting less.

I am also getting more comfortable with gal. That was really hard for me at first. I've come a long way in that aspect.

The anger though... geesh.... I have gotten some serious flashes of rage lately. It is not anything that I have expressed outwardly and it passes. But sometimes, I think of something and I can feel this searing rage come over me like a wave. I just want to inflict serious pain on h and hww. I never would, but I just get so pi$$ed.

I don't know where I stand. I think that I have still had some numbness and shock that was present and is now starting to fade away. I believe that is part of the unveiling of emotions I have been feeling. As difficult as it can be, at this point I am well versed in dealing with emotions. Even better yet, I have reached a point of total detachment. I think, anyway. I know my life will be fine. I know I will be fine. I like me. I like that I can express me more so.

Someone posted the other day and asked about how to find what they want. I was going to respond, but I was falling asleep. I wanted to respond because that was something I struggled with myself and have been thinking a lot about it.

The biggest thing for me figuring out what I "want" (granted, it is a work in progress... like MAJOR project overhaul) is time. I took months after bd to be pretty much silent. I had no idea where to go, what to do, what to think. I was clueless. My mom kept asking, "What do you want?" I had no idea. I kept quiet about it. It was one of those things that I knew I needed time. I did not want input from ANYONE about what they "thought" I should want. I wanted peace. That's what I told my mom. It was the best thing for me. I retreated. I detached. I read. I wrote. I prayed. I waited. Gradually, it started to come. I didn't have answers of what I wanted, but I started to feel. I can tell you, it is a scary place not know what I wanted- Not having direction, a plan, a future, a husband, a partner. Do I know now what I want? No. But, I am working on it. It is not so much a scary thing, but more of an exciting thing. It's a journey I look forward to endeavoring. I am the captain of this ship. Ahoy, matey!

[Mighty]

OK, not even done yet. Get to it, right?! OK, so a couple things.

First, as I mentioned above that I felt like the role were reversed between h and I. Well it's sort of like this: I was so desperate to get h back before the nuke, that I was dbing, but I was holding my breath. I would wait and watch. I wanted more than anything to have h back. I detached, but I really thought he was coming back. He knew this. He knew I was there. I even think that maybe he thought he was coming back. That's maybe why he waited until hww was 4 months preg before I even knew about her. Who knows? Who cares? Anyway, I was there... waiting... for him. Yup, I know... don't do that, GAL, worry about yourself. I know, but I was dbing for a reason- to save my M!

Now, h has never experienced me like this. Yes I was distant while dbing and all that jazz. This is different. Could I ever be with h again? What do you think? I have never answered that question in my head. I have not said definitively either way. I won't either. I literally went from being committed to my m, still feeling in my heart of hearts that h was my husband and I was his wife. It literally changed in a moment. I was replaced before I was let go. My h was with another woman, in a house they bought together with a little kid and another on the way. My family was broken. It ceased to exist the way it ever did. There was no going back- ever- to the life I knew and loved.

So, where do I go from here? Well, you DON'T just stop loving someone (unless, of course, you are my husband). It is embarrassing to say that I just wish h would say to me that he made a mistake. Will he? Probably not. Does that mean I want him back, not really. Would I take him back? Who knows? It is majorly screwed up! I would not even make that call because he has shown no interest. And even if he did, would he have what it takes to make it right? I haven't seen that strength. Really though, I digress.... Why have the tables turned, I am so sure you are asking.

Well, because there has been no contact outside of financial stuff, I can see the difference in h- even through the EXTREMLY minimal contact. What I see is the very hurt little boy. I have seen this kid occasionally throughout our m. I always felt so badly for this little guy. He was broken and sad. I could just see him as a little boy who needed love. I don't know why or how I can pick that up, but I do. The difference is I am in a different place. I don't really give a damn. Of course I feel for him and don't wish badly upon him (not usually, jab, jab), but he has hurt me terribly. This is what I am realizing and feeling like, forget it! Over the years I always fixed things, even if he was wrong. I would find a way for him to fix it, even if I was doing the work. I know that does not make sense, probably. Now, there is no way I am interfering with ANY of his mess. For the first time, he has to deal. He is on his own. Truly, he is. It is so crazy just how much so. He does not have a supportive family, he lost my family, he really does not have any friends (he never trusts anyone), he lost me. He does not see our kids. What does he have a 26 year-old? Her family? It's not like anyone in his family is his age. He has got to feel so out of place and weird.
The roles have reversed because for the first time- I don't care. It is not him pushing me away. He does not have the security of ME anymore. I don't need him. He knows that. I am not saying he needs me, but he does not know the feeling of not having me. I totally checked out. If he wants anything from me, he need to show me what it is and why I should give it to him. I will not be his friend just because I know him better than anyone and because I love him more than anyone. I will not give my energy, friendship, companionship, whatever to someone who takes advantage of me and give nothing in return.

Word.

And the other thing... he still has not seen my kids. He has stopped by s's work to see him (so inappropriate). All spring, he blew them off. Now that the nuke has been dropped, he will not leave them alone. He still texts them all day long. So crazy because he was so into hww in the spring, he make my kids feel terrible. He could not go out of his way for anything. They are so hurt by them, but they are carrying on with their life. He continues to blame me- to them! He says he knows that it is because of me that they don't want to see him. They keep telling him that is not true, but he keeps at it. I find it so insulting to them because he is totally dismissing their feelings. H knows exactly what it feels like because it happened to him and he still can't deal with it. Um... hello.... you hurt your kids. It is ONLY YOUR FAULT! He needs to acknowledge what he has done and their feelings- not say, "I'm a grown man; I can do whatever I want." Which is what he told BOTH of them, separately, when he dropped the nuke on them. Wow, this dude just does not get it. S told me h stopped at his work the other day. H said again that it was my fault, that I tell the kids not to see him. (Which by the way I do not do at all!! As hard as it is, I have tried to support their r!). S told him he needs to be accountable for his actions and take responsibility and walked away. I hope h heard what his son is telling him! Talk about role reversal!

OK, over it for now. I've bored myself enough with these shenanigans.

(I hope my spelling and grammar are OK and I make sense, because there is no way I am looking back at this...)

Peace

[LoisB]

My emotions were CRAZY! I had a really good time with the girls and it made me so happy to see how excited and sweet they were. It was really cute. At the same time, I was a roller coaster of emotions.

Mighty, my emotions were crazy too. First concert for D11. She has this obsession with 1D that has helped her maintain some preteen normalcy throughout this crisis...so these boys...these ridiculous, overpaid, ego-inflated boys in 1D have contributed to her getting through this nightmare and it was emotional for me to take her to this concert.

I had a insanely small amount of money in the bank and a broken down car and, somehow, God helped me get her to this concert safely and even get her a t-shirt. After, she said, "That was the best day of my life." :-)

At one point, I took a picture of her when the guys came out and she was so raw and innocent and lovely and still just a 12-year-old girl with a crush on a boy band and I nearly cried myself and...ALMOST...sent the picture to Smokey. It was a moment for two parents to share. I didn't though. Haven't initiated or responded to contact since May 3. I kept it that way and I'm glad.

And, seeing all the dads there...and moms...reminded me that other men/women do step up for their kids. I felt sad for my kid.

BUT!!!! Life goes on and this is HER journey just as it is for Smokey and I. Going to the concert was a big deal for her and I'm so glad God gave us that blessing.

Mighty, please look up Susan Anderson's books on abandonment. For me, it gave me validation that I wasn't crazy or overly depressed or wrong in how I was handling all this...

DB-ing gives you Insanely Awesome tools for handling the MLC-er and your family and EVERYONE else...especially the difficult ones....Anderson's books, for me, gave me a road map out of he!!. Can't recommend the workbook enough. She showed me that there is a cycle we go through, over and over again, until we work through our grief.

Grief from abandonment is different from grief from death. He chose to leave you. He chose to leave the kids and start over with someone else. That's a different animal entirely. I've read that what we are experiencing is different/and possibly more traumatic than even suicide.

The person who caused all this pain is still walking and breathing and choosing to continue to hurt us AND our kids. Coming back from that isn't for the faint-hearted.

Give yourself credit for getting out of bed, let alone getting your D to a One Direction Concert.

Much love and hugs...be gentle to yourself.

Heather

[TL72*]

great response Heather!
Mighty I can relate to your post so much, I guess most LBS can.
It is a feeling (mixture of emotions) like no other. trying to make sense of it all when really you cannot. being in denial and not even realizing it, and the anger.... and not being able to turn off the love either, although it does fade after time passes, especially with the MLC actions. Like Heather suggested - definitely reading books helped me too and I had a workbook too, journaling, posting here, it does help to have a road map - mine was "rebuilding when your relationship ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. It doesn't cover MLC or abandonment really though which is why it is one good tool but I too was reading a lot of other material in combination. Then you read something that hits home and you go "aha! that's me!" and it does make you feel better knowing you're not alone and the only person going through this. I was so co-dependent, it literally felt like I was being ripped in half. Now I feel so much stronger being able to stand alone whole. Take it one day at a time - fake it til ya make it, just keep living take care.

[Mighty]

Thanks Heather. I will look into that book. I need some direction like that. Here's a funny story. A couple weeks ago I went to this psychic/spiritual healer lady. It was a group thing and we could ask one question but it could not be specific, it had to be more general- not a "reading" question. Readings were the next day. Anyway- she specialized in past lives. So my question was something like, "why don't I like to take direction from people?" I have a tendency to not do what I consider BS. I don't like to be told what to do & I never have. (Yes, I was the devil lipid child). Soooo, she said in a past life, I was in France & my family had to give me up to a convent where I was raised by nuns. Apparently I didn't like it, was defiant, and always bumped heads with the head nun. She reiterated, "You were a BAD nun." Hahaha! I told my mom & she got a big kick out of that. She went to catholic school even through college.

Wow, did I go off on a tangent? The point, you may ask? Well I have had a hard time having others who don't know what this experience is like tell me what to do. So in typical Mighty fashion I will make a short story long....
I will get the workbook, Heather. It should help me and I will take direction to get me out of this he11!

TL- my mom have me that book. She said it is really helpful. I started it. I have like 12 books started. Omg.... I think that says what is going on in my brain. Mix my total ADD with a whirlwind of emotions!!! Aaahhhh! Thanks for the recommendation, I will go back to it. Thanks for checking in on me.

Gotta go- in waiting room at ic. I'm on deck and just about up.

Peace

[LiveNow]

Mighty - your 2 posts from yesterday -- I could have written much of them myself. However, there is no baby on the way in my sitch, at least not one that I KNOW of! (I would NOT be surprised if there was.) Very similar though - H wants to be friends, and all that. We're just starting mediation now, after a year of separation. You seem to be doing extremely well. Keep up your good attitude.

I loved your post on GeorgiaBelle's thread, about taking our spouses for granted -- because WE were in it for the long haul, we also, naturally, expected our spouses to be in it 'til death do us part.' Truly - it made my day. Heck, it made my week. My counselor has never even said such a wise thing. THANK YOU.