Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
O
Old Dog Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
Thanks for dropping by. I know you're right. I was just having a bad time and if my passive aggressive script sees that, it jumps right in and has a whale of a time causing untold misery. It's so hard to fight it.

We had the first relationship conversation since week 1-2 last Thursday, which sparked off the recent slump in my PMA, in which my wife said she had noticed I had been trying hard but then reiterated saying she didn't want to build up any hope.

My DB coach, Chuck, advised me to act as if she is my sister which I will try and do to the best of my ability. It's easier if the kids are around, the elephant in the room doesn't like them it seems.

My fear is that she won't fall in love with 'the guy I was all those years ago' because she knows all my shortcomings and won't give me a chance. I can't allow myself to think of that. Long haul it is then.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
O
Old Dog Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
I'm now in two minds over whether to tell my mum. It would upset her terribly which I'd obviously don't want to do, she's 84 after all, but is this an excuse I'm using to cling onto what I gave t got any more?


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
Old Dog, just wanted to say hello and give you some words of encouragement. I know things seem dark right now. But you need to focus on the future. I know this is easier said than done but I have faith in you!

Try to think of ways you can get out and make new friends and find some new activities. If at first you don't succeed, just keep plugging away. Join an exercise group, a photography group, whatever you like or have any tiny interest in. Maybe you could volunteer to help the needy or animals. You need to at least appear to be having a life of some kind. I know, believe me, that it hurts and the last thing you want to do is get out of the house away from your loved ones. But you MUST.

I used to travel for work 5 days/week. At the time I had a relationship and it started to fall apart and he wanted to split up. I recall telling him that we just weren't spending enough time together due to my work travels, but he said that wasn't the problem. I couldn't see how spending more time apart, splitting up, was going to solve our troubles. But I moved on and GAL and guess what? In a few weeks he was begging to get back together. I thought it could never work because we already only saw each other for a day or so per week. But GAL works!

Make GAL your focus and try not to worry too much about all the rest. This is key for you right now in my opinion.

Good luck! Hope the vets show up for some helpful hints soon! Hugs, LisaB

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
O
Old Dog Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
I'm sure your right Lisa. It's something I need to focus on. I have been saying I'm going to do this and that but haven't really made enough commitment and effort.

I got an reply from a yoga teacher today though, so tomorrow I will be enrolling in my first yoga class starting in early September, and I'm looking forward to it. The funny thing is, my wife, until recently used to work for a yoga governing body and none of the people there did yoga.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
O
Old Dog Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
So my wife and kids arrived back late this afternoon. It was lovely to see them again, but ealier on I had noticed she had already written on the calender that she was planning meeting some of her friends again this evening for dinner. OK, another evening out then. But as she walked out the door she then told us she won't be back tonight but late tomorrow morning. This just keeps happening again and again: springing another surprise on me and it delivers a fresh wound each time.

What I have a hard time with is not the fact that she is making the effort to GAL herself, but that she is not telling me when it impacts my life and the kid's lives. For instance, we only have one car. If wanted to go somewhere tomorrow morning I'm now reliant on public transport which in rural England isn't very good.

It's as if she's deliberately trying to avoid me: I told her it felt like she was doing this when we spoke a week ago which she denied but here we are again. I'm afraid it's got my goat and now you get to hear of it.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
Hate to hear about your recent troubles. Her GAL may just be her attempt to help detach from you. And yes, she may be trying to get away from you, for one or many reasons. Not all of those reasons have to be negative towards you, but more of something about her. But if you guys only have one car, and her GAL interferes with you and the kids, then something needs to be worked out. Otherwise, you can GAL before she does and dominate the car for a few days/weeks. Ok, maybe you should not play games like that. However if being stuck at home with no transportation is an issue, it should be addressed.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
O
Old Dog Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
Yes, it should. Now there's another thing to address: conflict avaoidance. Ho hum.

I can add finances to the list of things to discuss as well now. I recently noticed her input into our joint bank account, from which we pay all our joint bills has been sod all this year. OK, the first part of the year she was only part time, but I reckon the ratio is approaching ten to one! If we were still a happy family, I wouldn't bat an eyelid, but now ... sheesh, talk about cake eating: it's a whole flippin' patisserie.

Last edited by Old Dog; 08/28/14 08:03 PM.

M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
O
Old Dog Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
A quick summary of what I can remember of the conversation with WAW and I had just now.

She got up, got dressed and went out for about an hour. I don’t know where she went: too early to see a counsellor and I don’t know if she still sees one. Maybe just a walk to prepare for this conversation as when when she came back she started to talk about how we move forward. She is good at marshalling her thoughts: I am not so good.

She broached the subject of our house and what we should do with it. We both thought we should try and sell it. I will contact the tenants and arrange to go to see them and the house next weekend. Then we will get a few of valuations and perhaps offer the tenants first refusal. This would be good as no estate agents need be involved.

We discussed what we would do with the money and rather than say split it, she said we should buy somewhere else, transferring the mortgage. the nearby town was raised: it has advantages - nicer place, more things happening: but also disadvantages - further away, more expensive.

I then asked that if she had any plans like last Thursday, when she went out for the night taking the car, that she should tell me as I may have needed it. I validated her need to go out and have some fun and said I felt bad that she said that she had felt guilty about wanting to go away at the weekend when I returned home.

This the led on to a deeper conversation about our relationship sparked off by the communication issue and how I felt we had been bad at it especially in the last two and a half years. She reiterated her belief that it is over, that she had felt stifled for two and half years and need to be released. She needed to do her own thing and so did I and we wouldn’t necessarily both be at home at the same time at the weekend.

I said I was disappointed with her decision, she said it wasn’t a decision. I said I had read a lot recently and was trying to improve myself, be the best that I could be and had come across people who had been able to work on their relationships and save them. I said I was not looking to go back to the past, but move forward and I was doing the things I’m doing for me. I said I felt its never too late and asked her to be open to the suggestion that we should leave no stone unturned.

She said she does not want to work on it, she does not want to be in a relationship with me any more; it has run it’s course. She said she had said this to me before three months ago, given me time to grieve and get over it but is getting frustrated and irritated that I was clinging to some hope that she would change her mind. She said that it was indicative of our relationship that neither of us felt the need to communicate with each other whilst I had been working away from home.

I brought up the issue with the kids and that the fact that we wanted to keep them in the same school during their secondary education to avoid disruption, but I felt that this would be a worse thing to happen. She said they’re already partly used to it as I work away from home during the week. I said yes, but this is already a bad situation for them, I can tell, and it would be worse. We both agreed we need to do what’s best for them, but she said that if she was trapped and stifled, she would be a worse mother to them, she needs to be released.

She said it has been hard for her. She recognises this has hurt me but has given me three months to get over it and we now need to move on. She is struggling with her mother giving her guilt trips over not being a good enough mother to S14 (he needs to go to hospital for an issue) and she doesn’t need me glowering at her. I said I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I was glowering to which she replied, well staring intently then: I thought I was just focusing on what she was saying.

Throughout all this I stayed calm, listened to what she said, tried to put my point of view, checked my emotions were restrained and didn’t raise my voice at all. There were a few pauses whilst I tried to collect my thoughts, but I tried to stay focused and keep a PMA. All to no avail.

I read other people’s situations and see how much worse off theirs is compared to mine and then I read DB or 5LL or some other book and have hope that we can work it out, but she is just not willing to try at all: she is so resolute, it feels hopeless. I don’t want to give in, she was my soulmate and could be again. Oh, I have to stop now - welling up.

I guess I go back to loving detachment, act like she’s my sister, work on self improvement, be strong, try and get a life - this will be the hardest when I eventually move back home as I only know now person where we live; and he’s just come out of hospital so is out of action for a while.

And wait.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
Hope can be a gd and bad think old dog but you still gotta have it. Otherwise why put yourself through everything the way you are. I think you really can't do much more than you're doing so make your you detach and GAL.
I'm concerned my sitch may go the way your last convo went ie giving my WAW time but if we bring up R she'll say the same things. My thoughts are with you my friend!


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Old Dog, I'm sorry. I can hear your pain. FWIW it sounds like you did a fantastic job keeping your cool and getting your thoughts together for this conversation, hard as it would have been. Hang in there. I think you'll find yoga very useful.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard