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Old Dog, I don't have a lot of wisdom but I'm weighing in with warm thoughts.

Have you given any thought to what you'd want your single life to be like?

How is the detaching going?

If your W is going to be gone again, rather than being lonely and sleepless, give that time some purpose and work on those two things. It's really hard to detach when you still share a bed.

It's the nature of a WAS to have blinkers or distorting glasses on when they interact with the LBS. It is reassuring that she noticed your changes. I keep getting reminded of the importance of patience. I've been running this course a lot longer than you, and if I'm still in the race you can be too. Just be ok if things get worse before they get better.

Rooting for you!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Detaching has a way to go I fear Maybell as I'm back to square one in the emotional wreck situation though hiding that to the best of my ability. She will have noticed I was up in the night though. 6am and awake again. Not much sleep at all. Still waking up and feeling the hand of dread on my heart, but it's tighter thus morning.

My wife is up though, and has been for a while, so what is it that's on her up mind? In week 2 she said this was really hard for her as well as she could make it all right for me by saying, let's give it another try. I refrained from saying 'oh poor you'. Obviously she quashed those thoughts.

Maybe she having similar thoughts or maybe I'm mind reading like a noob.


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Yup. Mind reading like a noob. She was looking up a recipe and chopping vegetables for a girls night out tonight which is another thing she hadn't told me about.

She's going out with people she's got to know here, going away for weekends, getting a life. Whereas my life was my family: I know no-one here apart from one person who I barely know at all.

She doesn't seem at all bothered by all this. She seems completely detached and keen to move on. She said last night she had given me space and time to process this but it is still as raw as ever for me. How can she just throw 21 years down the pan without trying everything?

My life is **** and it just feels all too much right now.


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Old Dog, I bet my H could have written that post you just wrote. Except it was his choices that got him there rather than mine.

However, if I could have detached while he was in the house, he may not have left. He didn't have the momentum to go without my beating him over the head with my frustration and fear every day.

Detachment and GAL are key for you. Don't try to eat the elephant, just focus on the things you can do on any given day and it will be easier.

Once I accepted that the things I feared were going to happen and started seeing the blessings that remained, I started sleeping through the night. It made a huge difference.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Maybell, the silly thing is, I know all this. It's been almost 3 months! But here I am back at square one. And now, on her way out the door she says she won't be back until tomorrow morning.

It absolutely killing me. I just can't get it out of my mind. I'll have to look at my own Resources for feeling better thread.


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I'm considering phoning my wife's mother. When my wife told her about our 'transition phase', she was apparently supportive and non-judgmental, wanting both of us to be OK.

I just wanted to say that this is not my idea, I love her daughter just as much as ever, despite this, but think she is making a big mistake. And of course it will effect our children more than she realises.

I would suggest that my wife is perhaps going through an MLC, re-evaluationg everything but situation is not beyond hope.

I would also ask her NOT to disclose that we ever had this conversation. I feel she would be supportive of our saving our marriage and could be a useful ally.

Tell me, on a scale of 1 - 10. How stupid is this idea because I can't think straight?


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10.

Don't involve her family. You're setting yourself up for a tongue-lashing for trying to turn her family against her.


Me42, H40
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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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There you are you see. I told you I wasn't thinking straight.

Although it wasn't my intention to turn them against her, just let her know there is another option. But point taken.


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I was thinking a 10 too.
Just because it may not have the outcome you are expecting. Though you think it could be helping you, it could turn out to be used against you.

I had the same thoughts of talking to someone my W confides in (a friend of both of ours) to get a temperature check or a how long should I keep holding on check - but I keep telling myself no. It would likely not help the situation. "Do what helps"


Me-45 W-44
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Originally Posted By: Old Dog

I know working on myself is for me, detaching is for me, GAL is for me, counselling is for me. And it's important to continue to do these things to become a better and more rounded and capable person. But at the end of the day, we're all on here to try and do something that will encourage our spouses to see the light.

I feel my wife has revaluated her life, set herself a goal and put blinkers on. And no matter what I do, she's not going to waver.


you said you are doing this for you, then said no matter what you do she does not waiver. realize that you doing for you. being a happy guy that helps around the house and friend until the D makes her see what she is missing. I finally realized two weeks ago that I am moving forward, it is her choice if she wants me...not mine. Either way I got it through my head that I have tobe the man I want to be. Her loss. I am here for her, but do not offer any conversation about us and only help her when she asks. I clean-up, cook, workout, stay well dressed, smell good, and even put a few drops of shower gel in specific places so when she showers.....she smells me wink
Do this for you! JOIN me in keeping this focus.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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