And so thread number 3 kicks off on a positive note.
I've been rockin' a solid PMA all day today.
My wife and kids returned from their long weekend away, I was super happy to see them, gave them all a hug and asked about the time they had and how our friends are getting on.
Trying to think of her as my sister after DB coach Chuck's suggestion. Loving detachment.
Made me and the kids some food (my wife wasn't hungry).
We have a house that we rent out to another family and we rent somewhere else (it's complicated), but my wife brought up the subject that house prices are going up and maybe we should think about selling. We always said we wanted to keep/transfer our mortgage as we're on a good rate.
I told her about a house nearby I'd had my eye on for months - yeah I know, future plans, big no, no: it just came out - but she didn't say wait a minute buster we're splitting the cash. I kept schtum after that though.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
It doesn't take much to knock you of you perch does it.
I'm selling a car and just had someone who wants to come and view it on Sunday so I asked my wife if she had any plans this weekend.
Yes, she's going to her mother's on Sunday (there's a school reunion party going on) and has next week off as well.
She hasn't told me about the party or taking next week off, they're not on our calendar, and she didn't mention the party just now either, but I saw it in the diary she keeps in the kitchen. It's not a secret diary, just a planner but it's hers, I don't record things in it. I didn't mention I know, but I did say I haven't seen your parents for a while which I probably shouldn't have - I don't know if she's told them. I don't know if she's told our friends who she visited last weekend either
Just a little reminder that I'm not uppermost in her thoughts anymore. Oh and while we'e on the subject, they brought back 3 beer glasses from their long weekend away. Yes 3. There are 4 of us. Sigh!
On a brighter note, I am going to go to a tech meet up this evening in a nearby city. I haven't been to one before. I'm hoping to network with some people and maybe put some feelers out about a new job in the local area. There's a while to wait after my jury service finishes and the meet up begins: it's probably not worth coming home, so I may go to the cinema or read 5LL some more.
Old Dog xx
Last edited by Old Dog; 08/20/1407:47 AM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Hi Old Dog, it's so true that sometimes it is the little things that knock you down. Weird and irritating. Try not to worry about it too much.
Great to hear you are going to a meet up and are going to network. I think you'll have a good time and enjoy yourself. Going to the cinema or taking some time to read in a pub sound like good in between activities.
Also thanks for your replies to me about the 5LL on your previous thread. I love talking so I'm not the best listener sometimes, although I am pretty good at connecting with my friends so I guess they feel I listen to them just enough
When asked what my H would like to do on a random Saturday, he would often just say "spend time with you". I guess for him Quality Time was mostly about being together doing whatever, sometimes just being in the same room doing parallel things. He felt comfort having someone around. I do not share this need, so I didn't get it. I could have been a better listener though, just another 180 to add to the list I guess!
This weekend is bank holiday weekend, but my wife is planning to go to her mother's on Sunday for I don't know how many days leaving me alone at home again.
I was hoping we'd all do some family activity. We can on Saturday, as far as I know, but come on it's bank holiday weekend! I was alone for 4 days last weekend. She's got next week off, she can go then, it won't be so bad as I'll either be in court or discharged and have to go back to work.
It definately feels like she is avoiding me and at the same time depriving me of the kids too who help me keep a PMA. I feel quite frustrated and a little angry about this.
Just read somone saying on a different thread "keep your eyes on the prize". The long haul then.
Her school reunion is the next weekend. I don't know if she'll make that.
Last edited by Old Dog; 08/20/1410:48 PM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
And the meet up I went to this evening wasn't so good. Started off OK, chatted to a few people but when the presentations started (it was super tech stuff), it was way over my head. And it took so long that by the time I got home, W was in bed and I had to immediately round up the kids and get them into bed. Waste of an evening really. Hey ho.
(Not so) Old Dog xx
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Just made the dinner and have to thank the onions I chopped for disguising my tears whilst cooking.
So this is what we discussed. I have jotted it down as quickly as I could so I could remember as much as I can.
She does not seem to have shifted at all in her decision. She has told her mum we’re transitioning. She now wants something more concrete to say to people about our situation so we don’t have to pretend everything is OK. She has told a couple more people. Her mum and another old school friend. What is our aim, what are we trying to achieve? Well my goal is certainly different to hers. She wants this to be as amicable as possible. She wants me to be OK. So does her mum so she says. She has noticed I’m trying really hard. She doesn’t want to hold out any false hope. We have an ‘unconventional relationship’ where we are still living together and sharing the same bed but not as a couple with no intimacy. She says this has been OK while I’ve been working away during the week, but isn’t sure it would be all right 24/7 when I find a job locally. I said I’m going to start looking for another job near home: she welcomed this. as it’ll be good for the kids to have their father around more. She says I will have to get used to doing things on my own, with the kids and sometimes as a ‘family unit’. She says when we tell the kids, we should say they would lose nothing, they would still have two loving parents. I think it will have a long lasting and more profound effect on them than changing schools which was the reason why we moved here and decided to stay for the duration of their schooling. She wanted to go and spend a week alone with her old school friend to get away. This was not possible so she will take the kids from Sunday - Thursday. I said I felt really alone last weekend when they were all away for 4 days. We talked about selling the house we own, giving our tenants first choice to buy. What would we do with the money? We live in one of the cheapest areas of the country, so it won’t buy much elsewhere. She said she was thinking of buying somewhere in the bigger town nearby as the small town we rent in doesn’t have much going for it. This is what we first wanted to do when we moved to this area but it is much more pricy. If we bought together, we could maybe get a half decent house, but splitting the money would only buy a small house. We don’t want to uproot the kids from the schools they are in so we don’t want to move further afield.
I stayed cool calm and collected throughout this conversation. Although I did admit to feeling lonely last weekend when they were all away and was disappointed she wants to go away next week with the kids leaving me on my own again. I am at home for 2 weeks and have enjoyed coming back to the family home, but if they’ve all gone I’ll be sad and lonely again.
I feel really down about how she doesn’t seemed to have shifted at all in her decision to get out of this relationship. I so much wanted to say we should do everything we possibly can to save our marriage. We should leave no stone unturned. If we split up, even if everything is as amicable as possible, it will still have a lasting effect on the children. For their sakes as well as our own we should explore whether we can rekindle the love.
I wish I could get her to read DR and 5LL and understand that you can fall back in love. I Have learnt so much in the past 3 months and would be an awesome husband. But right now, I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite as low.
What do I do now?
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I'm sorry that was such a bummer of a conversation and I wish I had some useful advice to give. Instead I will use this opportunity to bump you back to the top of the thread (where someone wiser may weigh in) and also say that it certainly sounds like you have been doing just about everything right and I'm sure you will continue to do so.
Not feeling so good right now. As it's now nearly 2am and I can't sleep I'm going to do my own bump.
I know working on myself is for me, detaching is for me, GAL is for me, counselling is for me. And it's important to continue to do these things to become a better and more rounded and capable person. But at the end of the day, we're all on here to try and do something that will encourage our spouses to see the light.
I feel my wife has revaluated her life, set herself a goal and put blinkers on. And no matter what I do, she's not going to waver.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Collaborating to keep you near the top of the thread.
I think your description of your wife having blinkers on is very apt. Despite all the hard work you have chronicled here, you are still competing with the fantasy of what she thinks life could be like. Maybe it will take the reality of those changes not being what she hoped to knock those blinders off. I've read through so many of these stories the last two weeks and it just seems very improbable to me that the vast majority of our spouses won't have some sort of second thoughts. I guess it's all in the timing.
