Bond...Thanks for the info. Appreciate the insight into your sitch. One thing I have trouble with is that my sitch is reversed. I was the cheater and the W is the person who was left behind. When your W came out of the fog, I'm assuming she approached you first to discuss the sitch? how did you respond? In my case, I continue to work on myself and GAL, do I just pray at some point W "comes back" to the M (even though I'm the one who left her behind)?
Maybell...No worries. I have become interested in practically everyone else's insight/sitches on here. I don't feel hijacked at all. Thank you for the kind words...I am doing ok. The actual divorce part is so much harder than I thought...it seems so cold.
I'm having trouble with the GAL. Because W and I work together, several people here who we used to hang out with have backed off, not wanting to act like they are taking sides. These are people we have known for 20 plus years. A lot of my friends came from W's side, so to speak. So I don't really have a lot of my own friends, if you will. Been helping mom and dad around the house a lot. Looking for some volunteer opportunities. Honestly, though, everytime I do something, I think of how great it would be if W and I were to do that together...that depresses me. I don't know how to not think that when I do those things.
" One thing I have trouble with is that my sitch is reversed. I was the cheater and the W is the person who was left behind."
Yes I recall that. However, there comes a point where you have to stop blaming yourself and move on. You've apologized to her, shown transparency and gotten help. There's nothing more you can do. All of that is in her court.
"When your W came out of the fog, I'm assuming she approached you first to discuss the sitch? how did you respond?"
Actually no. I was the one who approached her at a time that I thought she'd be open to. She was still timid about the situation because of what happened, but it was the first time that she responded to me in a way that wasn't "well I don't care what you think, because we're getting a D". Once that happened, she slowly opened up even more. Sometimes it just takes ALOT of patience.
"In my case, I continue to work on myself and GAL, do I just pray at some point W "comes back" to the M (even though I'm the one who left her behind)? "
No you don't "pray" for it because that keeps you stuck. You just live. All of that is out of your control. But continue to grow into the man you need to be.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have been in this situation before, and am currently in it again. The first time was extremely difficult. She made no secrets about how she wanted a divorce and she was in another relationship with someone else. I was crushed. We were separated for 7 months before she came back. Out of the blue, she called me and asked me to come home, that she wanted our marriage. I packed up as much stuff as I could and went back. Same thing again, I messed up, she is hurt. I moved out a few weeks ago and she has started dating, took the rings off. My ring is still on, because I am married, and I love that woman.
MY advice to you is, nobody can tell you how lo ng to wait. If it is something that you want, you have to be willing to deal with the roller coaster of emotions that come EVERY DAY. Right now, even for me, every day is a struggle. If is something that you are willing to fight for, then you have to do it. I look at what we were and I know what we can be. 3 daughters involved too, I am not willing to give up. My issue is, that if we do reconcile, not messing up again.
Stay strong my friend, it is not the end of the world, miracles happen every day. FIGHT FOR IT IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT!!!
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Thanks Bond...appreciate the insight from your own sitch and your guidance. I do have to learn to live my life and continue to work on me.
Maybell...that's where I'm stuck. I've done some different things, but (in my mind) I always relate it to her and I doing it together. I'm continuing therapy and we're working on figuring out who I am, just me, outside of the relationship with W. I lost that identity in the M...working together, riding together...we did everything together and were together 99% of the time for the last 16/17 years.
Loveher...thanks for your advice. I do love her very much and I want the M. But I have hurt her. I moved out a little over a year ago at her request. From Sept 2013 she has not waivered from wanting the D. Fighting for the M has to consist of me becoming a better person. Beyond that, not sure what else I can do. W's boundary was the A. She told me once I had the A, that was it for her; she has not waivered in that position for the last 11 months.
I know what you are dealing with. My wife got married at 17 and divorced at 18. She married the father of her first child. He physically abused her. I promised her that I never would do that, and I never have. The difference is, I emotionally abused her, not intentionally, but I still did. I feel terrible for it. She once said that this is worse because she could heal faster from the physical abuse.
The road is rough, and it can be very long.
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Separation Agreement was signed today. W's atty will file it on Friday along with the other paperwork for the D to be finalized. Atty has said it will be final in 2-4 weeks.
I wanted to thank all of you that helped with my sitch. And although it was not the outcome I had hoped and prayed for, you all have given me valuable info and insight that I will take with me down the road.
I will stay around and keep reading as much as I can on your sitches...and I'll pray for each of you.
Just because the paperwork is finalized doesn't mean it's over forever.
My ex husband's parents are an example of that. They divorced when my ex H was in 4th grade. They each dated several other people and had their own lives. When H was 19 they started dating each other again, they moved in together a few years later and although they never remarried on paper they are in a committed relationship. H is 32 so I would say 13 years back together is pretty committed.
I wish the best for you, don't stop the changes for you!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thanks Twin...appreciate your thoughts and comments on your ex's parents. But with no children and just the cats as our only tie, it's hard to "see" that it's not over for good.
I am still working on me. Having a hard time with the guilt. Working on that a lot with my psych. Reading all your sitches on here and seeing how you all hurt breaks my heart to know that my actions made W feel that way too. I struggle with that so much. The person I vowed to love and cherish forever, and I did this to her by having my A.
Thanks for the best wishes...know I'm thinking of you and wishing you (and the others) the best as well.
Starsky...thinking of you and your sitch with your GD. Prayers to you and your family.
So last night I went over and we talked about what I would "take" from the house. It was amicable...she is very matter of fact when we speak and doesn't show much emotion. I held my tears in until after I left and drove away.
This will be a process as there are so many photos and things like that. We discussed getting together several times over the next month to complete it.
When I left last night, I had a few items with me...a couple of loose pics that she had run across and a couple of gift items she had given me a few years ago that she ran across. Just those small items were heartbreaking. Another sign this is really happening and the marriage is over.
