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Maybell #2480747 08/19/14 06:33 PM
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Maybell, I also think like that occasionally- that I'm handling all the responsibilities of having a house, kids, pets, etc while WAW has it easy. If she would come back, would I constantly be worried that I have to continue to shoulder all of the responsibilities or she'd leave? Or I'd be resentful of feeling like the only one running the show? Would she be willing to work as a team?

I can only hope that all of that would be addressed during MC and that the WAS would recognize all we've done and be willing to help shoulder the load and do their part if they truly wanted to make it work.



Maybell #2480761 08/19/14 07:18 PM
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Preachin' to the choir, Maybell.

I have no idea how my H. thought the microwave got cleaned, the floor mopped, the stovetop washed, the carpet vacuumed, the fridge ridded of mouldy food, or any of a few dozen other things that happen around the apartment, which he also rarely noticed if he wasn't awake when they happened.

You're right. It must have been the fairies.

In a somewhat related note, I have no idea how he convinced himself that despite the fact that I was working full time, paying for most of our expenses, doing a bunch of housework that he never touched, and still trying to do things for him, that he was putting way more effort into the relationship than I was.

You're asking a good question about whether you could have a working marriage. That might depend on what you expect a marriage to look like and how you feel about things like responsibility and housework. Are you going to be resentful if this kind of stuff keeps cropping up? My bet is that you'll notice it even more now and it will be a lot more difficult to explain away or to manage your feelings about. Do you think this is something that's livable if certain other conditions are met? Is this a dealbreaker? Or is it something that might be changeable?


M - 34
H - 36
Together 10 years
Married 4 years
BD - March, 2014
Meghan #2480777 08/19/14 08:18 PM
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I really don't know.

It worries me because I absolutely don't want the kids to experience yo-yoing, but I won't be able to know if he's going to pull his weight unless we're living together.

I guess I'm jumping the gun since he's not even self-aware enough to say "I'd like you to join us for dinner because I'd like to our relationship to be friendlier" rather than "we agreed this is how we'd do things." We can't reconcile till he's more self-aware either way.

I hate feeling this way, ambivalent about the idea of reconciling. It makes me feel like a less quality person. Like my commitment isn't at the level I think a marriage deserves. But then again, I really don't have a marriage. And this stuff wasn't an issue as a SAHM because it was my "job," though I would certainly have appreciated ANY help. But if I have a career too, then it is. But only if I'm married, because if I'm divorced it's my responsibility anyway.

Today I'm feeling a little insulted that he left because HE couldn't take it anymore. But he wasn't interested in my feelings at all, so that whenever I said I wanted to be closer to him he didn't care (yes, I had that conversation with him a few years ago). And I'm frustrated with myself that I'm remembering the bad stuff more today. I still have the hole in my heart, but it's more like missing the "ought to be" husband I want rather than the actual husband I've experienced for the last several years.

Such a catch-22. I wish it were all more straightforward.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2480829 08/19/14 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
I guess I must be a much more horrible wife than I realized if he was willing to give up his little house-elf to Be Alone.


Maybell, if there is one thing I've realized throughout all this it's that, yes, while there are issues I need to work on, there is NO WAY they were enough to justify leaving me. H has his own issues, serious ones, but it was easier to blame me for his unhappiness than himself.

The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself. I'm not saying you shouldn't acknowledge whatever your issues are and work on them, for the sake of any future relationship, but that doesn't mean you need to fully shoulder the blame or think about how "awful" you were as a wife, because I am POSITIVE that's not true.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
vossy #2480831 08/19/14 10:43 PM
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Hi all, it's funny when something I am thinking about is also brought up on someone else's thread. Like this housework and maintenance topic. I was just thinking about this today as I cleaned the house. I always did the cleaning, I didn't want to but I did it. WAH didn't so I had to. And now the WAH is living on his own. How does he like doing his own laundry I wondered...
And then I felt really angry that even though I cleaned up after him and took care of him for years he STILL walked out on me. And I kicked myself for those years of wasting time being nice and taking care of him.

One thing I am learning from this is that I should be more selfish. That sounds weird but it would have helped my M in so many ways.

Hugs to you all, LisaB


Me: 34 H: 30
M: 4 years
BD: 6/15/14
He moved out 6/30/14
OW1: EA then PA after BD
Now he's dating multiple OWs
I'm over it and moving on.
LisaB #2480835 08/19/14 10:52 PM
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Vossy, thanks. I was kind of joking. Of course he always had the option of seeking help for himself and working on our issues rather than cheating and leaving. I have plenty of flaws but the worst of them were on the mend. He hadn't even seen me in three weeks when he started the affair.

Lisa, I think you're right. A little more self concern would have been healthy.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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