Work on detaching. Stop overthinking this (eg dividing percentages of future phone calls).
When she calls you, validate her feelings and listen, and then get off the phone.
Don't call her.
That's what I would suggest. I think it's odd that you converted immediately to "friend" and show enthusiasm about her looking forward to her move. That's obviously not really your truth. But that's your call to make. I did not save my marriage, for complex reasons that have little to do with what I did while DBing, but...when H suggested that we'll be friends I told him no. He'll be my X, not my friend. I didn't want to give him the impression that we were going tra-la-lah to the courthouse for an amicable divorce and be friends. He chose to leave, he left, I accepted. Anyway, that's me.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Work on detaching. Stop overthinking this (eg dividing percentages of future phone calls).
When she calls you, validate her feelings and listen, and then get off the phone.
Don't call her.
That's what I would suggest. I think it's odd that you converted immediately to "friend" and show enthusiasm about her looking forward to her move. That's obviously not really your truth. But that's your call to make. I did not save my marriage, for complex reasons that have little to do with what I did while DBing, but...when H suggested that we'll be friends I told him no. He'll be my X, not my friend. I didn't want to give him the impression that we were going tra-la-lah to the courthouse for an amicable divorce and be friends. He chose to leave, he left, I accepted. Anyway, that's me.
Hi Adinva. Yes that's what I am doing now...I am not calling her and instead letting her wonder what I'm up to. As Mr. Bond said, I am going dark. If she does contact me I will take my time in replying and I will only validate and be sure to keep the conversation short.
Yes, I am "pretending" to support her move to FL and agreeing to be friends because that's what some of the advice I've been getting here suggested. By continuing to express my displeasure with the FL move is only going to make her resolve to make the move stronger. As far as agreeing to be her friend, I did that because it demonstrates to her that I am not pursuing anymore, that she and I are just friends now and I can move on romantically with my lady friend. That's how I wanted to leave it with her. Being friends also leaves the lines of communication open for her. So the plan now is to go dark, let her mind wonder now that she's set me "free" to be with my lady friend, and leave the lines of communication open so WAW is a bit more comfortable contacting me than she was before.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Well to be honest, I think her getting used to it is all a front really. She said she is jealous of her. I also let WAW know that things haven't really progressed with the new girl, no kissing, no sex, etc. That we are going super slow. She also did slip and call her a "bitch" at one point so I don't thinks she is fine with it but then again who knows, I don't know anything anymore.
I bring this up because you keep referring to your W 'knowing' you are still seeing this other woman. But truth be told you went through a lot of effort to let your W know nothing had happened. You basically calmed her fears, regardless of what names she calls the other woman. It is an empty bluff and your W knows you will drop this other woman quickly for her. As you already did.
I am not picking on you, I just do not want you to think this is a card you can play to your advantage.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
There is a lot of space between "continuing to express my displeasure with her move" and "pretending to support her move."
Where DB'ing falls, as I've seen it expressed, is in the neutral "I respect your right to make this decision and accept it, though I wish things had turned out differently."
Have you historically been pretty controlling? Expressing displeasure (instead of communicating your feelings in a respectful way that acknowledges her right to feel differently)...issuing ultimatums...planting seeds of jealousy with the intent of manipulating W into your preferred course of action...
these are all you trying to control the outcome FOR someone else.
You don't get to dictate how she acts, only how YOU respond. You only can control YOU.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think I sometimes write harshly. I haven't developed the diplomacy I wish I would exercise more here. I am trying to point out things that I think I see, not to criticize, and I hope it comes across to you that way.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well to be honest, I think her getting used to it is all a front really. She said she is jealous of her. I also let WAW know that things haven't really progressed with the new girl, no kissing, no sex, etc. That we are going super slow. She also did slip and call her a "bitch" at one point so I don't thinks she is fine with it but then again who knows, I don't know anything anymore.
I bring this up because you keep referring to your W 'knowing' you are still seeing this other woman. But truth be told you went through a lot of effort to let your W know nothing had happened. You basically calmed her fears, regardless of what names she calls the other woman. It is an empty bluff and your W knows you will drop this other woman quickly for her. As you already did.
I am not picking on you, I just do not want you to think this is a card you can play to your advantage.
Hey Pilot, thanks for the insight. Yes, I see what you are saying however part of our conversation when I intitally told WAW about the lady friend...I did it under the guise of that lady friend and I are at a point now where she is ready to take our relationship to the next level, the physical level,and that I was refraining from doing that until I knew for sure what was going on with WAW. Now there were times when WAW was here over that two day period where lady friend really texted me many times...and WAW knew it because I could see her peeking over my shoulder to catch the name.
So now we fast forward to Sunday night's meeting. As WAW and I are talking and I agree we should be friends, once again I used the guise of me "needing to know with 100% certainty that we are not reconciling at this time" because I can't keep lady friend waiting in the wings like this. I told her I do really like lady friend, which isn't a lie at all, I really do like her and could see myself with her...but that I need to put any hopes of saving or marriage to bed tonight so that I can move on with lady friend with peace of mind. That's when WAW was backed into a corner, she said although I am jealous of how lucky of a woman LF is for getting a man like you, I need to do this for me right now. She said I have told many people that I don't rule out reconciling with IH one day because the foundation between us is still there, but that she's not sure and can't promise that either. So when she said that I pretty much concluded our meeting and thanked her for giving me the clarity I needed to now know what I am going to do. That I am going to devote my time to LF and go forward with her. That when WAW said something like, great, everyone is all in a happy place now except for me. I replied that she will find peace one day. Then that's when I started my car and that song she used to ask me to sing to her all the time happened to be on the radio...she broke down, asked for a hug...squeezed me and kissed my neck. Then I said, okay I really have to go now, it's late. She said okay okay sheesh! She asked me to text when I got home, I did, and then the next morning she called in tears as described earlier.
So yes, although WAW knew I was putting her above lady friend, that was only when I thought we were going to try and reconcile...as in NOW. I told her that lady friend knew of everything that happened and what was going on, I wouldn't lie or keep it from her. She chose to wait and see what happened anyway. WAW said that's because she knows what she's got in you...there's not a lot men like you out there. I said well whatever her reason is, she must really care about me to stick with me through all that's happened with you (WAW.) I said I can't leave her hanging like this so I either need you to agree to SERIOUSLY talk about reconciling or I need to go be with lady friend to move forward with her. Lady friend did say to me at one point, after I told her about sleeping with WAW those two nights, that she felt like she was now not on a level playing field because I wouldn't have sex with her yet. So basically WAW in under the impression now that I went back to lady friend, reported that my WAW and I are officially done and we're just friends, and we can move forward with whatever we have going on.
So although my WAW knew she was priority over lady friend...she believes that to be because I thought she was seriously talking R now, not 6 month from now, but now. I doubt WAW is thinking she can just come back any time she wants because I made that clear to her. I told her it kind of annoys me that you think you can just come back whenever you want...I got news for you, I can't guarantee that at all. This is your window of certainty NOW, because only NOW at this moment in time am I willing to talk to you about getting back together...in 6 months I will likely not be in this same place. WAW accepted that.
Originally Posted By: adinva
There is a lot of space between "continuing to express my displeasure with her move" and "pretending to support her move."
Where DB'ing falls, as I've seen it expressed, is in the neutral "I respect your right to make this decision and accept it, though I wish things had turned out differently."
Have you historically been pretty controlling? Expressing displeasure (instead of communicating your feelings in a respectful way that acknowledges her right to feel differently)...issuing ultimatums...planting seeds of jealousy with the intent of manipulating W into your preferred course of action...
these are all you trying to control the outcome FOR someone else.
You don't get to dictate how she acts, only how YOU respond. You only can control YOU.
Actually yes I would say I was probably controlling to a degree in our realtionship. I wouldn't say I planted seeds of jealousy though because there really was never any reason to. Other women were the farthest thing from my head. I thought I was with the woman I would be with forever so jealousy and all of that was never a factor. But yes, I learned later that WAW refrained from travelling because I didn't like to fly, stuff like that, yet she would act like she really didn't want to either instead of speaking her mind. This is the communication breakdown stuff that lead to our deterioration of our relationship, and eventually OM, and then divorce. She would act one way and lead me to believe she was happy when she really wasn't. This is all stuff we've both talked about though, our fault in our marriage, and stuff we both know would never happen again between us. Now again as far as supporting her decision to move, that was because me being against it and telling her I thought it was a big mistake she was going to regret, like many of the huge life-changing decisions she's made way too fast in only a couple months, would only lead her to go to FL more. So once we decided to be friends, I decided then to also make it like she's convinced me that she will truly be happier in FL and that I was wrong. That's where we're at now.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
WAW sent a second e-mail I missed reporting the other night. This isn't new, haven't heard from her since Monday morning, but this was sent right after the other one I posted and I must've missed it. She simply repeated that she felt like she was going through a mourning period over our marriage and the lies that were fed to her for so long (referring to the lies OM told her during their online EA that proved to be totally false.) She said she is just going to keep fighting these emotions every step of the way and that she is getting stronger. She concluded with she just needs a rest, a break from all the lies, hurt, and let downs.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Notice how she made it all about her and not really about how she hurt you? She's in her selfish phase right now and hasn't dealt with the consequences of her actions on other people.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Notice how she made it all about her and not really about how she hurt you? She's in her selfish phase right now and hasn't dealt with the consequences of her actions on other people.
Very true and easy to see reading her words Mr. Bond. She has referenced hurting me and concern over doing it again but yes, a lot of our convos involved her difficulties, her problems, what she has to do for her, etc. How shamed SHE is. How SHE feels like crap. How SHE needs to do this and that. How SHE has been through so much, etc.
Well I am proudly still going dark on her. The last communication with her was my message back to her about "that's the attitude to have...etc." That was Monday morning. Since then it's been quiet on the WAW front. It's rather strange to me how I find myself more comfortable and at ease when I don't hear from her, as days pass with NC, I don't know why but I feel like it's a good thing as nothing can go wrong by not communicating with her. A strange kind of comfort that really is the opposite of what I really want, but somehow I feel at ease in this mode, I have throughout this process in fact. I guess I feel in control when I don't speak to her.
Last edited by ItHurts; 08/20/1406:07 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Just an update. Received a text from WAW today. She wanted to know if she could borrow the Crock Pot. I waited about an hour and replied saying "Yeah sure but I can't do it tonight. It would have to be tomorrow early evening between say 8-9PM." She thanked me and said that we are so adult in that even though we are divorced that we can communicate and she thinks we are awesome people for being able to do that. I simply replied "Happy to help!" She replied with "I hope you are having a good nite!" I am not replying to that one for a couple hours and just going to say "Thanks same to you!"
Last edited by ItHurts; 08/22/1412:22 AM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
