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DBinSF Offline OP
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Maybell, she doesn't want to be reminded of the affair? How does she avoid thinking about it when she reaches out to me?


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
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"Maybell, she doesn't want to be reminded of the affair? How does she avoid thinking about it when she reaches out to me?"

I wasn't sure if this question was serious or not. Of course she doesn't want to be reminded of the A. That's why she doesn't want to be with you.

She's already passed you into the "barely acquaintance" zone. That's to protect herself and her heart.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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For your own health and progress, you need to detach. Have you learned about detachment? If not, learn all you can on what it looks like. It will help you be able to respond appropriately when she finds it necessary to ask you a question, and let that be the end of it, rather than spinning into thoughts of "what does it MEAN?" "does she want more?" "why did she ask that question?" "does this mean I should start contacting her?" <--(no! it doesn't!)

Assume it means nothing, be polite, and stay in your sandbox where you have plenty of work to do.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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DB, she DOESN'T avoid thinking about it when she reaches out to you. That's probably why it took her so long to even use the gym membership.

Read the Emotional Intelligence book.

You're really, really not engaging with your work here. You're seriously backward from where you were even a few weeks ago. If you were making progress you wouldn't be so fired up about contact. Find your humility.

Let me put your affair into perspective for you. If I end up divorced and back on the dating scene, I will NEVER knowingly date ANY cheater. Even if he never cheated on me. I just will absolutely not go there. I'm quite sure I'm not alone in feeling that way, and not only among betrayed partners. So when you cheated on your fiancee, you didn't just pollute yourself for her, you polluted yourself for a whole class of women who think too highly of themselves to put themselves in the position where they COULD be cheated on.

That's the scale of your transgression.

Now, quit thinking about your ex, do the work and be better.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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DB,

Originally Posted By: Maybell
Let me put your affair into perspective for you. If I end up divorced and back on the dating scene, I will NEVER knowingly date ANY cheater. Even if he never cheated on me. I just will absolutely not go there. I'm quite sure I'm not alone in feeling that way, and not only among betrayed partners. So when you cheated on your fiancee, you didn't just pollute yourself for her, you polluted yourself for a whole class of women who think too highly of themselves to put themselves in the position where they COULD be cheated on.

That's the scale of your transgression.


^^ Maybell has captured the essence of why some of us are very gun shy. Even ten years on post-Ms. Wonka, I still find myself being on the defensive and cautious when dating because I will always have this question in the back of my mind. Yep, my walls are up big time when it comes to letting someone come close inside my heart.

I just don't care at all to go through all of this again....EVER!


Last edited by Wonka; 08/19/14 08:55 PM.
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DB,

If it stings so much, then you might want to really examine the whys. Get to the very bottom of the source.

Before you were cavalier in your responses about your finance here, now this got your attention. We are good at getting right to the source here in DB forums and hold people's feet to the fire.

Good.

Believe me when I say this, we are not doing this to be 'hurtful' or 'toxic'. You've clearly said that being gentle/soft wasn't working for you so we took on a more tougher approach.

When you are not deaf, not cavalier, not dense...then show us some real empathy for your former fiance and it'll show up.

To date, it has been all ABOUT your hurts, your antsy pantsy feelings, turning on us with counter arguments.

We're working WITH you in pointing you in the RIGHT direction.

You resist, fight, argue, and whatnot with us here at almost every turn.

Then you turn right back at us and throw up your arms with a veiled emotional blackmail about your "attempted suicide".

Get a grip. Seriously.






Last edited by Wonka; 08/19/14 09:09 PM.
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DB, I have an assignment for you.

Go read three other people's threads (doesn't have to be all their threads, just several pages of each). Comment on them in a way that is helpful and compassionate. Spend time contemplating their situations. Then report back here.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Maybell, thank you, but saying no woman with self-respect would ever date me is NOT helpful. That is a shaming and guilt-tripping statement. I GET how big a deal this is. But black and white statements don't help me rebuild my self-esteem.

Wonka, what do you mean gun shy? Gun shy about reaching out to your WAW, or gun shy about re-entering the dating scene?

AND A REQUEST TO ALL: Please, let's keep the tone respectful and supportive. I know this is an emotional topic and many of us have betrayed or been betrayed (although I think I'm the only betrayer on this thread). I know you all have sterling intentions, but TONE means everything. It build trust and self-esteem or it tears them both down.

Thanks again for your attention and support,
DB


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Wonk, I actually deleted the post you replied to, but I hear you...


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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I wasn't trying to shame you. I was trying to really hammer home why you need to focus on yourself and not her. I'm sorry you were hurt.

But if we're going to talk about tone, consider yours as well. You're not taking any of us seriously. Calling me a sweetheart and not answering me feels belittling.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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