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#2480682 08/19/14 03:07 PM
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getrite Offline OP
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Well, I will start this post with some background. MY wife and I have been married for 11 years. She was 18 and I was 21 when we got married. We have 3 daughters, ages 12, 10, and 8. The 12 year old is from a previous relationship that she had and she was 1 when I started raising her. So, with that, here goes...

When we met, we both believed that we have found the one. Everything moved so fast. We met in January 2003, she was pregnant in March, and we Married in July 2003. After the newly wed phase was over, we began to have problems. I am in the Navy and she had to move away from her family. At the time, I did not realize how much that hurt her. After about 1 year of marriage, we were fighting, a lot. I'll admit, that after we got married, I felt like "I got her" and did not really put in the effort to continue to grow as a couple. Since we were having all these issues, I started to email an ex-fiance of mine. It was a few emails, but in them I said stuff like "I would give anything to just see your face" and "I feel like we have unfinished business." Well, my wife found the emails and she was crushed. We worked through it though. After she got a job at Target, she started talking to a guy that worked there. Long story short, one day she went to lunch with him, he leaned over the table and kissed her, she left and called me to tell me what happened, and that she was so sorry. Again, we moved past it and things were good. A few months later, a girl I used to date started working where I did, although nothing happened between us, it was a strain on our marriage. Lots of fights about her. We made it through that duty station and then moved back to Guam. That is where she is from. While we were stationed there, she found a secret email account that I had. I used this for porn sights. I also used it to email another woman. This was nothing but a joke me and my friend were playing on this girl. Kind of a lets see what she will say to you. Things were explicit in these emails, but I never did anything with her, just a joke she had no idea about. When my wife found this, she was again hurt and betrayed, which was never my intention. We got through it.

In 2009, we became distant in Guam and I started drinking with here uncle. He lived right next door to us. Next door to him was a woman. We began flirting with each other. We were drinking outside her place one night, and the next thing I knew it was just me and her. I was helping her clean up the mess that was left behind. It was 2 am and my wife came outside. She said she woke up suddenly from a dead sleep and felt like something was not right. She came out, yelled at me. I told her that nothing happened, and that we had been flirting with each other for about a week, that is the truth. She did not believe me because I have lied to her in the past. Well, I left 2 months later to go have repairs done to the ship I was stationed on. After I left, the neighbor was walking around saying she was pregnant and that the baby was mine. Again, impossible because I never did anything with this woman. She would ask my wife for money to get stuff she needed, like prenatal vitamins and to help pay for doctors appointments. My wife and I fought about this for a few months. I was thousands of miles away and could do nothing to convince her that what the other woman was saying was false. Eventually we did not even talk that much. During this time, she found comfort with another woman who was also going through marital issues. They started going out a lot and partying, leaving their kids to their own devices to survive. She had a couple of one night stands. When I got back, she was in a full blown relationship with another guy. I fought so hard to get my marriage back, and it paid off. Even though she wanted a divorce, I stayed strong and showed her that I was not willing to give up. But, while she was in this relationship with him, I began to talk to the woman she did all the partying with. She was also going to get a divorce, so I figured I could pay her attention and find out everything that my wife did so that I had all the ammo I needed in case we got the divorce. My wife was a terrible mom at the time, and I was not going to let her get custody of the children. So, I slept with her best friend, made her think I was going to take care of her, even though I had no intention. It was a dark and confusing time in my life. Low and behold, her friend told me everything. We were 1 week away from divorce when we reconciled. I did not tell her about the friend.

Fast forward to 2012. We again moved, now on the east coast. We had a party and I got black out drunk, I am not a drinker. I guess while I was black out drunk, I Facebook messaged one of her friends and said some inappropriate things. I do not remember doing this. I woke up the next morning and saw the messages on my phone and immediately send her a message that apologized and that I don't remember sending them. A few weeks went by and her friend called my wife and told her about it. We got through the fallout from that.

Well, her best friend that I had slept with was also stationed in the same location we are. We did birthdays and holidays together. I just tried to pretend that it never happened, because under normal circumstances, it would not have. Her best friend got drunk and told a mutual friend that we had slept together before. In September 2013, my wife found out from this mutual friend. My wife is not exactly hurt because of sleeping with her best friend, she understands why I did it. What she is having a hard time getting over is that I never told her and continued to let this woman into our house. That I let her continue to be friends with her. I told her on multiple occasions that she ws not a good friend, but never told her why.

So, we were working through it. She has said on several occasions that she was having a hard time getting past it. I did not take the time to help her. Our anniversary was on July 26, I was out to sea but pulled in on the 28th. The whole time I was goine I got nothing but I love you, I miss you, and I can not wait to see you emails from my wife. Even on our anniversary. The day I pulled in, she said she wanted a divorce and she wanted me out of the house. I packed some things and went to a friends house. She called that night and wanted me to come home. We made love. She said that wee needed to date each other again, and I was all for it. The next day, I got home from work and she said that she wanted a 1 year separation so she can figure herself out. She does not know who she is without me. She said I should date other woman so that if we reconciled, she knew it was her that I wanted to be with. I asked her if that means she could also date, she said yes. So, we started sleeping in separate rooms. She would never come out of the bedroom. I found out that about a week after I was home, she had started dating. I told her that I can not watch the woman that I love go on dates with anyone. So, again, I packed up and left. I am currently staying with a friend.

She has gone on several dates since I left. I have no desire to date because she is the one I want to be with. I know she is hurt and dealing with her own issues.

When I found out she wanted to separate, I was desperate, begging, pleading, telling her I was going to change and all that jazz. Its true though, I am going to change.

A few days ago, I started the 180 treatment towards her. It worked the very first day, she was texting me and asking if I was seeing anyone, I just did not respond to her for hours. Then she said nevermind it was none of her business. She texted me really late at night and called me. The text was that she really wanted to talk to me, and I missed her cal at 1am becuase I was sleeping. I texted her the next morning what it was she wanted to talk about, and she said nevermind. I emotionally texted her through out that day. She dont trust me, doesn't know what she wants. She says she is trying to forgive me but dont know how to. So, I did not text her anything about us for the past 2 days, only about the kids and financial matters. She has not texted me about anything. It hurts, but I feel like I have to be strong and get myself together. I was a depressed mess, not sleeping without the help of zzzQuil, not eating (lost 20 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks). Cant focus on anything.

Is there any hope to getting her back. I will wait for her. Is it crazy that I have this unconditional love for her. I just do not know what to do. Even as I type this, she is texting me about when I am coming home (have the kids on vacation right now). I am lost right now, I just want to get my wife and family back.

Sorry for the looooong post, just wanted to get the story out there.


M-32
W-29
3D-12, 10, 8
Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014
She started dating 4 Aug 2014
getrite #2480714 08/19/14 04:45 PM
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getrite Offline OP
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Really looking for what I should be doing. I am not begging or texting her anymore. As a matter of fact, she texted me if I was still coming home tomorrow, I said yes 2 hours later. Then she asked me how the kids are, I responded with Good. Then she said, "ok, one word answers, lol, I'll adjust"

Our daughters have cell phones, so she can just ask them.

Is she trying to get am emotional response, I am emotional, but not showing her anymore.


M-32
W-29
3D-12, 10, 8
Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014
She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. With so much history, I can see why you are wanting to focus on getting some solid feedback. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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I don't understand why your texts are not more warm towards her? You don't need to be emotional, but friendly would be good. More than one word. Anger (or perceived anger) rarely helps a situation like this.

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getrite Offline OP
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I guess I do not know how to be more warm without coming across as needy. I am trying to do the 180 but am in the early days of it. How should I respond?

I do not know what to do. I am crazy in love with this woman. I know that I need to give her space, I am, as hard as it is. I head back home tomorrow. I fought and waited the last time we were separated, and she said she came back because she realized how much our family meant to me, it still does mean the world to me. I am willing to fight and wait again, just not sure how to go about it smarter than I did last time.


M-32
W-29
3D-12, 10, 8
Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014
She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 52
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getrite Offline OP
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Had some more texts today. I told her I'm not being short and that I am just giving her the space she wants.


M-32
W-29
3D-12, 10, 8
Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014
She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 52
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getrite Offline OP
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So, weird day today. She texted me in the morning if she could keep my last name during the divorce. I asked her if her mind was made up, she said yes. I then said, look, we are separated so you can work on yourself and I can work on myself, then we will see where we are at. She said that she does not think we can work it out (she should have said that she does not think she can work it out, I am willing.) I told her again that we are working on each other separately. She said, ok, she would not push the divorce issue.

I had to stop by to print some stuff out for a passport application. I left, then needed to go back to get some checks. When I was there, she was sitting on the bed, I kissed her on the head, then she brought her head up for a kiss, so I kissed her. She said we shouldn't, but the look in her eye said differently. She said that she is still physically attracted to me, its just the other stuff she is having a hard time with. So, we had sex. She told me "I hate you" while we were having sex. So, when we were done, she said we should not have done it. I kissed her, told her I loved her, put on my clothes and left. She just laid there thinking. I am not going text or call her for the rest of the day. I am going to leave her to her thoughts.

I do not know what is going on in her head, she seems confused about what she wants. Can anyone give me guidance on what to do now?


M-32
W-29
3D-12, 10, 8
Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014
She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 149
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I'm not an expert at this and really new myself but it sounds like your wife still loves you and wants to work things out. Have you considered talking to her about going to some marriage counselling?


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
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getrite Offline OP
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She says she loves me. As for MC, I asked a few weeks ago and she said no. She is dating right now, I'm not. She said she has gone on a few dates but nothing crazy. I think I just need to leave her be and continue to work on me. I just don't know what is going on in her head. I not sure she does either. I am so confused right now. I'm not going to contact her the rest of the day. In fact, I will wait until she initiates.

Can anyone give me any guidance on what to do?


M-32
W-29
3D-12, 10, 8
Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014
She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Loveher,

I would suggest to you that there is a GULF of "grey" between the "black" of one-word terse texts to her, and the "white" of having sex with her.

It is in that grey where you want to be DBing.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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