I agree Cadet and that's what I'm trying very hard and hopefully succeeding, i think to do. W thinks that this is just between me and her and that it's got nothing to do with the girls, and that it won't affect them at all! She hasn't seen them crying. The three of us don't want our family broken up like this, we'll support each other, but we all still want it to be the four of us. However, it seems we don't have a choice!
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
I would suggest that you gently inform your Ds that they might want to bring their concerns to W. You cannot always shield your daughters all the time. They're grown women and if they persist...you can validate and comfort them...however, I think it is important for your daughters to feel that they are allowed to express their feelings to their Mom.
Not say, tell Mom this and that. Just simply say:
"I would encourage you to talk with your Mom. I can see that this is a difficult time for you. I want you to have a relationship with her regardless of what Mom is going through at the moment. It is not healthy for you to stuff your thoughts and emotions around Mom. Make sense?"
Sometimes children (grown or not) can be a bit afraid to express their true feelings with their Mom and/or Dad.
So off we go, and then from that point on it's back to the ice queen again. Strained conversation, walking ahead of me - you know the feeing i'm sure - i had to really work hard to get her to talk....
First good luck to you. I haven't experience this, yet I was close to divorce in an SSM. The DB stuff really works, especially GAL and 180's. Your GAL of gardening is getting her attention. Keep it up.
Your highest priority should be your daughters. Let me expand on that a bit. Your wife is not thinking clearly. She has even referred to being in a fog. You need to focus your thoughts on protecting you and your daughters. This means emotionally and financially. When you wife starts talking about divorce or moving out of the house, you really need to focus on staying put and providing your daughters with a stable life both emotionally and financially. That means you should start educating yourself about divorce in your state and checking out who are good divorce attorneys in your area. You need to be ready when the time comes. You don't need to do anything or even let your wife know, but for your daughters you do need to plan for such a contingency.
You are getting lots of good advice. In particular you can't force her, beg, bargain or plead to get her to do anything. Only she can deside who she wants to love. She has to know on some level that she has hurt you and hurt her daughters. That will be her cross to bear in the future. You need to make sure you are loving, non-judgmental and a role model of civilized behavior for your daughters.
One of the things my wife did when we were close to divorce was that when she observed me doing my GAL and she had some positive feeling for me, her subconsious would do something to try to pick a fight with me. It took me quite a while to learn not to be "baited" into arguing with her. After a while I learned to let it go and ask her why she would say something like that without being angry. Often times she would tell me she had no idea. I suspect that her ice queen role is her way of keeping her emotional distance once your GAL makes her have feeling for you.
On a certain level she may be trying to burn bridges with you so that you do something in anger that she can point to as destroying the marriage and gives her justification for what she is trying to work up the courage to do.
Again. Focus on you and your daughters. You might want to ask your daughters if they would like to go to a group conseling session (or a church clergy if they are close to one) with you so they can get some of their feelings off their chest. Expressing ones feelings and frustrations is cathartic for them and you. I wouldn't invite your wife as the session should be about helping your daughters cope and your wife's stated plans are to be out the door in the not too distant future. If she insists, tell her she can come but that the focus is not her, not you, but will be all about what your daughters are feeling and need.
Good luck. I found that posting on this website was very theraputic. I also found that there was lots of great advice and that ultimately the DB principles either work or don't, but give you a frame of reference to help you deal with your situation.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Hi All, I'm still around! It's been a week since I last posted anything. I have been reading lots of poeple's stories and the great advice they've been getting from Sandi2; 25yearsmlc; Wonka and Starsky309 etc etc. and trying to learn from it. Thank you to those that have commented - sorry i'm sure i've missed a lot of you great vets out..
A week of tension and despair for us. Despair at my perception of the hopelessness of our situation and the lack of any progress. Tension because of the relationships between us, and W and daughters. Youngest D is either always out of the house working or with her friends or in her bedroom (still a little concerned about her). Eldest daughter is still barely speaking to W. Both D's are fine with me and i'm continuing to be the best possible Dad I can be to them; we have been to dinner and to the cinema with other activities lined up. I also caught up with some old friends for dinner last weekend and they commented on how my W has changed! I didn't tell them anything.
Meanwhile W is continuing with her new life, on different websites now she told me. Texting and going out with and overnighting with her new best friends. Just before leaving for work this morning she told me she's going away for a few days "see you whenever". Couple of weeks ago that would have been a knife in the guts to me - but i held myself together and said "hope you have a good time" and just walked out. Getting better at detaching i hope. We used to go on holiday together this time of year,and now she's booked something without me. She must be getting the same advice about detaching and no contact I think from her new friends who are helping her come out!The three of us don't hear from her as much as we used to when she's away on her business trips. On the positive side.. A couple of hours later at work and she's texted me about nothing really - i haven't replied. There are times though when we can chat as we used to.I can still make her laugh and there have been times when we have looked into each others eyes, instead of averted gazes (the norm)She still cooks and does other acts of service for me. Nothing initimate - just things that she really didn't have to do. Hope that makes sense?
I'm still going with my PMA as best I can around her. Given her lots of space and time. Definitely no pursuing or calling/texting. Garden is looking great! She's even commented on it and how she felt guilty at not having done anything!
I'm not getting anything back from her.She's on her own journey without us; if she has any guilt at all she's hiding it very well.
Think i'm getting stronger and getting to the stage where i think seperation is the best thing for us - Emotionally better for me and the girls but financially difficult though.
I wish nothing but the best for you all out there. Thanks for all your great advice it has helped to mend my/our broken hearts. I hope that all your situations have the resolutions you want.
Jay
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
Yes, I can imagine that it is very difficult for your daughters to learn their mother is experimenting with other women. It is certainly a very confusing time for everyone...including you.
You write:
Meanwhile W is continuing with her new life, on different websites now she told me.
If you're not comfortable with hearing this, I'd suggest that you put a hand up and say "W, I am not comfortable with hearing this--visiting those websites. It is disrespectful to me. Don't tell me those details. Thank you."
That is boundary setting...and in a healthy way too!
You just don't know what W is doing or with whom. If she's getting advice or not...that is mindreading. Ignore that line of thinking.
I am so glad you're GALing and doing really well in bonding with your daughters. You might want to think about having a family therapy with the three of you without your wife so you all will have a safe and neutral space to process all thoughts, emotions and reactions about your W's new friends.
Just had a nice evening out with youngest D. Went for dinner and then a movie. Great spending time together, just the two of us. Enjoyed her company and the movie. Gone Girl - quite appropriate really! I didn't bring up the subject of W at all, if she had wanted to talk about it I would have of course. Should I have taken the opportunity to encourage her to express her feelings? - I don't know. I feel that if she wanted to talk about it she would have. I don't want to force the issue though. Also, I just want us to have good times together and I Don't want both D's to feel that every time we get together there is or has to be a conversation about their Mom!
Jay
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
Advice wanted please..For those of you following the story you may know that.
W is away on holiday - I don't know where or with who, and didn't know for how long.I just didn't ask and haven't been in contact since she left.Have been enjoying time with our D's.
About an hour ago i get a message from W saying.. "I know you are probably not interested but thought I should keep you informed" then outlined her plans etc.
Should i respond? If so what should i say?
My thoughts are - she didn't have to send me any message, but it could be that she's doing just that - letting me know and I'm just wanting to read something into it that's not there.
Help, anybody out there with opinions on this? Jay
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
