Wife Declares She is a Lesbian

[essjay]

After 20 plus years of being together, the bomb my wife dropped was that she is now a Lesbian.
We have two daughters who still live with us; not aware of details of the situation at the moment; though i suspect they have an idea that something is wrong. The eldest is on the verge of leaving, buying a house with her boyfriend. Once that happens it will be the trigger for a forced sale of our home so that we can go our seperate ways.
We still share a bed , though have had no intimacy since that day. I love her and want to stand for the marriage but in these circumstance - How?
In fact some days she has barely spoken to me and is as cold as ice towards me.
I'm already convinced of an affair, though she doesn't admit it. She spends hours on an internet lesbian dating site. Gym every other day, lost a lot of weight.Lots of new feminine clothes that i would have loved to have seen her wear.
I'm reading Divorce Remedy now and am thinking MLC the changes in her have been so dramatic.
I'm following the advice from DR as best i can at the moment in the middle of this heartache for me.I know that i haven't been perfect - all the men in her life have been a dissappointment to her, was one of the hurtful things she said to me.
I'm so glad i found this site, been reading it for over a month now. - can anybody give me some advice regarding this situation please?
I remember seeing a post from Starsky regarding his experience how some wives come back to their husbands and family from this.
Are you around Starsky? Would love to hear from you..

[getrite]

That is hard. Quick story. I had a friend go through this 4 years ago. They divorced, had a great relationship after. They had a son together. This past year, it turns out she is not a lesbian, they are remarried and happier than ever.

[essjay]

Thanks for the reply getrite.
I like that story and would be interested to hear more...
Any more out there?
She's adamant that she's now a L and that there's nothing i can do to 'fix her'..'to bring her back'.
I'm struggling to understand how it can happen, over time you decide you are and then later you're not a L????
I'm still thinking MLC, i can check a lot of the boxes for her. Perhaps i should post on there?
50th birthday last Jan. She has had childhood trauma; father died in hospital and she didn't see him - was kept away. Supported her mother through those tough times - just got on with it as she says! Older man, a family friend trying to kiss her all the time when she was a young girl.

Update
MIL has been staying with us for a week. She finally told her the situation on the very last day of her stay, a huge step and one that there's no turning back from! MIL sensed that there were 'issues' and is stunned. Too emotional to talk to or see me and our girls.
That evening was awful because W told our girls as well. Very emotional, lots of tears.
Discovered that she is being coached by people on this lesbian website in what to do and say in these circumstances. These people are helping her it seems!! Positive that there is an affair now as well.Still doesn't admit it, lies, lies and more lies.
Getting to the stage where i think she has to move out - i can't live like this anymore..
Told her that she needs to think about renting somewhere.
Think i'm done and letting her go.. as painful as it is for me and the girls.
Anybody out there can help me with some coaching?

[essjay]

This weekend is our wedding anniversary.
Is it something that i should acknowledge given the circumstances...?
If so what should i say?
I don't really feel much like saying or doing anything...
What have you guys done in these situations?

[essjay]

Update
Both D's away last night. So just the two of us at home. W cooked a meal for us and we eat together. She tried to initiate some conversations to which my replies were civil but limited.
Does this give the impression that i'm moody perhaps, i ask because one of my 180's is to be less moody - confusing.
I know she was with OW yesterday pm, (it seems strange even just typing that!)..guess i reacted to that, as well as fact that she is constantly on the phone or i pad.
She seems to have this one OW and PA with her and then is still checking out what else is available on the website and flirting there.
I'm trying hard to treat her like a live in sister or flatmate.
Not easy

This morning she dropped me off at work, and getting out of the car i just said to her Happy Anniversary.
She looked at me briefly, blankly, said thank you and then got back on the phone to text somebody before she drove off.

She is so checked out of this M and relationhsip..it seems nothing i'm doing is working.

[Joe1981]

The only advice I have is to be patient and don't make any rush decisions. That and to start changing the things about you she'd like to see changed.

And keep posting here. You'll get more replies at some point. And some vets will start helping.

[essjay]

Thanks Joe, i appreciate you taking the time to read my post and reply. Also getrite too. I'll take some time to read your stories over the weekend. In the meantime please know that i'll be thinking of you guys, everybody on here really, and hoping that your situations improve the way you'd like them to. What a great resource this place - so supportive and educational.

I guess my situation is different? or is it? - i'm not getting many replies at the moment, lots of views.

Things about me she'd like to see changed are ..
No more 'controlling her'; Better with the girls; Do more around the house/improve the house; Less moody..
Not all about me; Less watching sport on tv.

I of course have accepted and validated her views and the last two months i've been working on all of them. First and foremost for me as i know i can't change the past and i've said exactly that to her.
At the moment i don't see much of a future with her though.
Sorry, a bit down currently due wedding anniversary weekend. I'd booked a long weekend holiday away for us to celebrate..

[labug]

You're on moderation in the beginning so your posts don't show up.

You're in a tough situation and it is different. If your W is a lesbian, she is. You changing won't change that.

If you know you need to change your behavior, then do it. It will make you a better Dad and a better co-parent. i'd stop the spying on her. How will that help you? Wee all look for comfort and advice, that's why you're here.

Are you, and especially the kids, getting some counseling?

[essjay]

Yes i am seeing a counsellor. I have no one else to talk to about this.
It is still early for the kids, they only got the truth two days ago, good point though I'll ask them.
Our eldest daughter seems to be prepared to talk with me about it more than the youngest. She's being very supportive to me, thinks her M is behaving like a teenager, dressing, talking,
acting younger than she does!

[labug]

I thought your kids were younger, my mistake. Doesn't mean they don't need someone to talk to but that's their decision. You/re setting a good example.