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#2480583 08/19/14 03:09 AM
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SS06 - lost and desperate thread 1

I took a huge step last night and told three of my close friends last night in one fell swoop. All of their husbands are friends with H so I was really nervous because I was worried about people taking sides or feeling obligated to do so... anyway, they were great. Just listened, hugged me, empathized, encouraged, made very minor suggestions, asked a few questions... I really felt heard and understood. It's a great feeling.

Telling them helped me turn a corner. I think some of my fear with all of this is the shame I feel of the "failed marriage" and their no-judgement listening really told me that I have nothing to fear but myself.

They asked what they can do to help me and I wanted to weep from gratefulness. I am known for rarely asking for help, being rather capable and strong but I NEED their help. I asked them to help me GAL, distract me with fun things for us and for our kids. They wholeheartedly said, "no problem!".

I am so fortunate to have friends right now. I have no family. I mean none. So I'm leaning on friends and I'm finding they are better friends than I've ever given them credit for. This is a big realization because I tend to underestimate people - Something I did to H, too.

I am faking it until I become it!! Thanks 25! And Shining, Meghan, LisaB, Claire, Elsa, Jacket, BigMac, Pilot, GGG, and SO many others' PMA has become infectious and really is changing my perspective. I am SO overwhelmingly grateful for that!!

My heart still hurts and I still have a lingering pain deep down in my gut but I'm not afraid of the next minute all the time anymore. I'm pulling myself up by my bootstraps with all of your help. It's slow, man is it slow, but I need it to be slow right now. My D's hurt and the hurt that causes in my heart will never heal but the part of my heart that is broken from all of this aside from that part? I will put it back together, no matter what comes in the future.

I feel like I'm slowly (again, this is key) detaching. I haven't done much "work" on me this week. No introspective exploration with profound results. I'm just reading a few books and journaling ideas on how I can be better about filling his love well with through his love languages in the tiny amount of time we spend together. This makes me antsy because I want to QUICKLY see changes in myself that are meaningful and important because progress, BIG progress, always makes me feel better but I'm trying not to DO so much. I'm trying to let some of my feelings permeate because it has really been a long time since I allowed myself to feel anything let alone pain and hurt.

A tiny part of me today thought "maybe I COULD let go and move on at some point". Wha? I'm surprised by that thought in my head.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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I love the new thread name!


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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I second that, great title


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
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Ss, I'm so happy for you!

I too have found that telling people about our separation and likely D is somewhat liberating. And it helps me process some of the grief instead of just wallowing in it at home. It's allowed me to develop much deeper connections with some of my friends and helped me realize which of my friends can simply not handle the discussion of deep and personal things. I used to take this really personally when people could not handle it, but have learned that it says much more about them than it does about me and our friendship. My friends and family have been so wonderful at helping me GAL and keeping my self-esteem intact. I don't allow them to bad-mouth my H, but I do allow them to remind me that I'm great and fabulous. smile They can do that without needing to bad-mouth him.

As my wonderful friend told me: "Just remember that as in all else there are peaks and valleys. It's not that you don't have valleys ahead, but that when you're in them, you have faith that the peak is coming." So don't beat yourself up if you find yourself in a valley again. Know that another peak will be coming again soon.

Big hugs to you!

Jacket


Me: 35, H: 37, no kids
Together since 2002, Married since 2007
IDKIILY: 2/2013
MC: 5/2013-6/2014
H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014
I moved out 7/6/14
H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
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Jacket, I love the peaks and valleys reference. What a great way to look at things.

Speaking of valleys, I just received word that I was not considered for a position that I applied for and really wanted. It's a major blow and set back. It was local and close to D's school, hours were great and the benefits (which is what i really need) were ideal even though the pay rate wasn't. It was part of my GAL plan. I really meditated and asked the universe for this job so it's hard not to see that I'm meant for something else, but what? Ugh. It hurts. Maybe I need to look into a temp agency.

My fridge is leaking and ruining the wood floors underneath. H said he'd take care of it two months ago, then a month ago, then 2 weeks ago, then last week so I called a repair man myself. Eff that. I'm sick of waiting, why do I do that?

Busy day today...gotta get out of this valley and on to my peak. smile


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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I hope everyone is doing well today. It seems from my reading that many are in a bit of a slump. I'm sending big positive DB vibes to all of you tonight.

Things with H are awkward. He came over early just to see D which was fine. I had an appointment and asked if he wanted to hang with D while I went. He liked the idea and off I went. 25 minutes later (fastest PAP ever!) I was back and D was sitting on the stairs with the iPad and ear phones (we're strict about screen time, though I guess now I should say *I* am strict about it) while he was upstairs (what reason does he have to be upstairs?!) on the phone. He seemed shocked and like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I feel like he was snooping but there's nothing for him to find so whatever. It was just weird and made me uncomfortable.

I got the fridge fixed and I am happy it was only $100. I was expecting MUCH more than that. H was surprised that I did that without him. I'm tired of waiting for him to do things he says he's going to do.

I was short with him today and I'm upset at myself for that. I just couldn't put on a smile and act un-angry today. I just didn't have it in me.

I'm hating H just a little bit today. It just seems so convenient that he gets to escape from having to WORK on something and have someone else work on it for you (me). I feel abandoned and that's making me angry.

In good news, in the wake of not getting an interview for that job I really wanted, I applied for a temp agency and I have an interview tomorrow. I don't have extremely high hopes but I hope to at least meet some people and feel like I have control over my life. I need to feel empowered in this department and the job search is so draining.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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You know, Ss, I hadn't considered a temp job for myself but that's not a bad idea. A mom at my kids elementary school did it and spoke positively of the experience.

Good luck!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Ss - I felt the same way that you did about telling people what was going on, and held off for a long time. It was such a relief when I finally did, and I got so much help and support. I keep saying to people that even if I get nothing else out of this, reconnecting with my friends and being reminded of how awesome they are has been a huge blessing. I have wonderful people in my life.

Based on what you've said, it sounds to me like you've got your H. wondering about you. He might be snooping, he's surprised that you've gone ahead and had the fridge fixed - sounds like he doesn't know what to make of you right now.

I'm sorry that you felt angry with your H., but I also think you have every right to. It's unpleasant to not only feel abandoned, but like you're the only one who's putting in the work. All things considered, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over being short with him - you have standards and expectations, and it's hard when they're not being met, even in pretty basic ways.

Good luck with the interview at the temp agency!


M - 34
H - 36
Together 10 years
Married 4 years
BD - March, 2014
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Ss and Maybell, what kind of work are you looking for? If it's office type work, school and school districts are often hiring. Usually the hours work pretty well for a parent and you could even be lucky enough to get in at your kid's school. They also often even need subs for the office staff if you can't get full time.

I suggest this because I see that many districts don't advertise public ally very much.

Best of luck on job hunting and keep on keeping on with busting divorces.

PS: Ss, I know it's excruciating, but try to save the anger towards H for when he's not around. We only want to show our WAS our very best selves. Easier said than done, I know.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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Meghan,

Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it. I need it tonight.

Hi Joe!

I am looking for Admin work (specifically professional level administrative analyst work) in the public sector but those jobs are hard to find and super hard to get an interview for. Frankly I'm overqualified and that is not helping me but it's the work I love and environment I thrive in. I have told the temp agency that schools and school districts are a preferred location simply because of the hours. Thanks for your suggestion!

You're right about saving my anger for when he's not around. I'm confused about my best self right now and I think some of my anger is wrapped around that.

I get to spend two full days with H at Disneyland (not my favorite place - hot, crowded, blazing sun... but D LOVES it and it's her birthday so...) so I will get plenty of practice on "acting as if", 180s and being chipper soon enough. Yay.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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OK, here's a 180 for ya. Make Disneyland your favorite place. Because why the heck not? Tap into your inner 7 year-old, and enjoy the wonders of the happiest place on earth. Don't just fake it, actually get your mind to that place.

Why? Three big reasons, in descending order of importance:
1) it's your daughter's only 7th birthday and she'll have way more of a memorable time if you're right there with her, having a blast.
2) you get to actually experience it as fun, instead of tolerating it for your daughter
3) (least important) your H might see you truly enjoying yourself w/ your D and see some of why he loved you to start with.

180s aren't only about appearing to change. That mindset change needs to actually happen sometimes.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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Temp jobs are a good way to go! My mom worked at a job through her temp agency and they ended up liking her so much they hired her permanently. Sending you good vibes for your interview tomorrow!


Me: 35, H: 37, no kids
Together since 2002, Married since 2007
IDKIILY: 2/2013
MC: 5/2013-6/2014
H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014
I moved out 7/6/14
H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
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Hi Ss, just checking in and saying hello. It sounds like you are doing great and I also love the name of your thread! Let's all become big beautiful butterflies!

I also loved your peaks and valleys concept. I'm in a pretty crappy desert valley at the moment. But I hope a good peak is coming.

Good luck with the interview!
Hugs, Lisa

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-sigh-

H sent me a "custody scheduling proposal" that has D switching houses every night. How is that in her best interest?

Anyone care to share their custody/visitation agreement? What's the proper term here? Is it 'custody'?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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We don't have anything yet. In California- custody can be 50/50. I agree with you that seems just awful for the child. I believe the rationale is that the kids have a "right" to see both parents equally. However, no one I actually know has a 50/50 agreement. (I confess I'm happy that my H's job would preclude any such arrangement). Most sensible people see the value in their kids having a single, stable primary home.

Not sure what to advise on this one. Maybe suggesting a more gradual easing into spending more time with him.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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My brother just negotiated a custody agreement that is close to 50/50 but has the parents alternating weekends (Fri-Sun), and the parents alternating the remaining days. My nephew is 3, though, and my brother is hoping they'll adjust that when he's older.

For school-aged kids, My daughter's friends whose parents have a 50/50 arrangement usually alternate full weeks, which makes it easier for everyone to plan and reduces the need for adjustments due to work conflicts, etc.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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SS that sounds awful. I don't see how switching nightly can be good for any of you. We haven't come to that part yet, but I'm not going to be in favor of 50/50 anyway. Yes, he's a good dad, but that doesn't mean he's ever participated 50% in the daily stuff, drop-offs, pickups, dinners, laundry, homework, projects, playdates. Sometimes I think I want it to be 50/50 just so he can see what it's like and because we've agreed that they won't be exposed to OW so that will interfere there. But then I think that I'd rather have them with me waaaay more than half the time. I don't yet know what H thinks.



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My L told me to call it only one thing: "Parental Time".


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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You know, now that I've been thinking about this a little more....I can't remember , but have you seen a lawyer? I saw one briefly the day after BD and one thing he expressly warned me about was if my H started seeking close to 50/50 time. He said this would affect child support payments in the future and would be a sign that H was probably getting legal advice. Don't want to add to your worries, and of course lawyers are looking out for the worst case scenario, but thought you might want to know.


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BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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I appreciate you all weighing in. "parental time" sounds more appropriate.

It's silly to have 50/50 because, while he's trying really hard now, can't really handle more than 10% when he's on a project so how's that going to work?

raliced, i have not seen a lawyer. Maybe I should. Should I flat out ask H if he has? I think he'd lie about it though so I wouldn't know his game plan. He's spending so much money these days I am terrified to look at accounts. It's like chit through a goose.

If I propose anything less than 50/50 though he'll say I'm trying to keep him from her which honestly isn't true. I just want her to have as much consistency as possible, sleep in her own bed, have help with homework, be able to practice piano. You know? Is it a bad idea to suggest "parental time" at 70/30? Truth is, with me potentially starting a new job, I'm not sure how I'm going to manage pick up and drop off anyway. I guess I need to be flexible until I figure that out, huh?

I've been doing some research online (not always the best place to research but it's all I have at the moment) and I'm 95% H is a sex addict. I'm scared he's cheating on me with prostitutes and/or people from fetish sites. There's no shame in fetish and I don't want to imply that there is, my issue here is that we're still married.

When I snooped early on I found VAST amounts of porn, discovered various anonymous email accounts, craigslist searches for "singles" (hookers) and emails to a few asking to meet up or for their rates. He said he'd never met up with any of them but it's not for lack of trying and at some point he will.

This really hits me to the core because the problem seems so insurmountable, mostly because he'll deny it with a vengeance. I won't approach him about it because I just have no idea how and I'm no expert but man, now what?

I'm starting to wonder if this marriage is just too broken for R.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Don't ask if he has seen a lawyer, but you should, definitely. When I went I googled what to bring to my first appointment and had all my documentation laid out. If nothing else it kind of paints a picture in time of what your finances look like so that if anything funny happens down the road you'll have things documented. Don't tell your H you are doing this. You don't necessarily have to have a plan for what you want to do but if you bring your concerns to a lawyer you'll get good advice on the risks you face and how to protect yourself. Mine also was able to take my H's employment into account to suggest parent time. WRT to your possible future employment, let that take care of itself when you need to. My school has early care and after care programs that I didn't know about until I started looking into it. There are tons of resources.

I hate to say this but it might be worthwhile to ask your doctor for an STD screen, just to make sure your health is protected as well.

Address your concerns about your H's interests to your IC. Hopefully you have one? If s/he doesn't have suggestions, s/he will know how to direct you.

Hugs to you, Ss!!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Ss, as I said before this was the same situation with my previous ex. He was doing the craigslist hooker thing and I could not believe it! I don't think he actually met with any, as most of them are not real apparently. They are hoaxes. But whatever. I feel your pain.

You can heal from this, but he will have to repent and change. He has to decide to do this on his own. The best chance of that is you moving on with your life.

I am wishing you the very best of luck.

Hugs, Lisa

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oh man.

Interviews, resumes, school starting, "parental time", sex addiction, hookers, STD tests, 7 year old birthdays, lawyers, assets...

it's more than I can handle right now.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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H took d to work today. it's a long drive. they are on their way home and h texted me to let me know their ETA. I took a risk and asked if he was up for sushi with us to discuss meeting up and packing for our tiny trip to Disneyland over the next two days. here's how he responded:

H: Sushi? Tonight?
Me: No?
H: Sure, I'm in. It just caught me by surprise, that's all.
Me: Surprises are fun sometimes. smile
H: So come to the house or meet you there?
H: Actually, it would help to charge [the car].
Me: ok
H: So house first, then you drive??
Me: Yep
H: OK, tx.

Nothing earth shattering but I caught him off guard. Good?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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I still can't believe I did that... I've been in a slump all day on the verge of hating him and wanting to walk away myself.

I hate the ups and downs in my own head on top of the ups and downs he's bringing around.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Great job w/ that. Hopefully you were your awesome at, hottest, happiest self. Hopefully he left thinking about what he was losing.

Getting excited for Disney yet?


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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How did the sushi date go?

Believe me I get your frustration and feelings of wondering if R is even possible. I feel guilty because when I look at what you are going through, it really makes me seem petty to be complaining.

Hang in there!!!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Yeah, what pilot said. How'd sushi go?


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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Sushi went great! Surprisingly well. We all had a great time and good food. I'm glad I made that gesture.

Back from Disney. It was a GREAT two days. D7 can ride the bigger rides now so it's much more fun for everyone. H and I were awesome both days. We worked together, laughed a TON and enjoyed the trip a lot. Even the tiniest touch or bump into each other was awkward and brought out a bunch of "oh sorry" or "excuse me" where before BD... ::sigh:: whatever.

Today is D's birthday, he hasn't called to wish her a happy birthday which confounds me but he's coming over at noon to take her over to his parents house for lunch. They don't know we're separated yet but I guess today is the day. I hate this for my daughter. We had two great days as a family at Disneyland and now we're back to the hell of reality.

Welcome to the worlds biggest overcompensating 7th birthday ever. $1500 Disney trip, $300 Wii system to be kept at H's apartment, $10,000 grand piano that H and I bought the first year we were married that he is now giving to her (she's very musical, she gets it from him) with a plaque on it saying that it's from him (never mind that we bought it together). H is also throwing together a last minute "party" with a few of D's friends and their families even though we said we wouldn't do that because we did Disney instead. So we're doing pizza, cake and whatnot at our community pool with 11 other people whom H invited YESTERDAY and are all now scrambling to make the time and buy a gift. I'm keeping my mouth shut but somehow H is still blaming me for the difficulties that are arising with planning this stuff.

I'm bitter. I'm tired of looking for tiny little signs that he wants me or wants to come home. It hurts that others see my situation and are grateful it's not theirs BUT that's life, I guess, right?

I want to escape and if it weren't for my daughter I would. I would pack up and file for divorce and not speak to him again. His actions hurt and then his lack of actions hurt.

He's not a hint getter or a hint dropper so why am I constantly looking for tiny signs that he's thinking about the future? I'm such an idiot.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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ss06

Believe me I get your frustration, as I am sure many here do as well. It was kinda crappy how your H did all of that for D birthday after you both agreed not to do anything because of Disney. He really should leave your daughter out of all of this and not try to out do you in her eyes.

The only real way to get past all of the pain and frustration is GAL. And really detach and let go. I honestly think a WAS will not begin to look back at their S as long as they think they can continue their life knowing the S is a safe fall back option. Work on that a bit and I am positive it will help you feel better all around.

Best of luck to you!!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
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ok, talk to me like I'm an idiot...

How do I not be a safe fall back option? Not to win him back but for me! I need to have some control back of my own life. I'm sick of everything being my fault, even decisions he's making. I need specifics...

I'm applying for jobs and have a couple interviews this week.
I'm getting out with friends as much as I can.
I'm spending GREAT time with my daughter but I've always done that.

The catch here is that he wants to be included on things. For example, friends of ours are having a pool & BBQ get together next weekend. They invited us before knowing we were separated. I said "sure! D7 and I will be there, can't wait!". Turns out H can't make it. Not my fault, he has a work thing scheduled; that's how our life has been for the past two years, I accept invitations to things based on MY schedule because H is often working so if he can make it great but if he can't, no biggie. Our friends want to celebrate D7's birthday that day, just cupcakes and small gifts, nothing major. He thinks I should have consulted him about whether he could go or not. I told him even if we weren't separated, if he couldn't go, D7 and I would be going anyway, his hours are so unpredictable we can't wait around to see if he can make it or not. He thinks I'm unempathetic and uncaring since it's a celebration of D's birthday (that I was not a part of planning and had nothing to do with). I see it as living as if he's a busy guy who works a lot and having fun despite that.

Please tell me... what do you think?

I'm tired of everything being my fault. So tired of it. I want us to get back together because I liked us as a family but I don't like him as a person. I'm tired of being his scapegoat and being so grossly flawed in his eyes.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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He's wrong and you are right.

I think I told you before that early on my H asked me to receive delivery of the furniture for his new apartment. It was like he still wanted all the advantages of a wife without any of the responsibility. I told him very calmly that that was a big request and that since he was the one who wanted to be separated, then we needed to be separate. He would never have respected me or appreciated me if I had done that.

Your H may need to hear a similar message. Calmly but firmly.


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D12, S8, S7
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The only way you are NOT a safe fall back option is to NOT be a fall back option. In other words, in your case, you would have to 'drop the rope' as they say. Let him go. What your H wants is all the benefits of your friendship but none of the responsibilities of the M. My W is the same way right now. Your H wants to be included in fun things you do. Does he want to include you in all of his fun things? Or does he have his own life you are not welcome in? Turn the tables on him. Exclude him. Period. From now on, do not tell him what you are doing. The only thing he NEEDS to know about is things relating to your D. You are separated. Which means not only does he get his 'own life' but you get yours too.

It is completely counter intuitive. And it is also risky as if you do drop the rope, you have to be prepared to really just walk away. The way I see it in my situation, I really have nothing to lose by doing just that. You have to look at your own situation and where you are emotionally with this, and decide what is best for you. But as long as he knows you are 'there' he will be under no pressure to even think about trying to rebuild the M.

Last edited by pilot; 08/23/14 08:23 PM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
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Hi Ss, I get your frustration! And you are right about you not having to include H in your activities and individual decisions. I think many of us are experiencing similar things. I know my H seems to completely expect I will continue to take care of things I took care if when we were together. I find it super strange. And I also struggle with what to say when he asks "did you take care of x?"

Glad to hear Disney went well! Good luck Ss!
Hugs, Lisa

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I really appreciate you all chiming in and helping me stand up. I'm having trouble facing this day after day. One minute I feel strong and solid and the next minute I'm sobbing and desperate. Does this say something about my character? I feel like I should be more predictable and consistent.

I think I thought I'd dropped the rope last week but let's get real. It's a process, at least for me. I'm afraid to let go for so many reasons but partially because I'm afraid I won't pick it back up again.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Hang in there Ss. It is screwy, and not good at all, but the WAS really won't look back as long as they know you're hanging there waiting.

As horrible as it sounds I think my brief EA woke my W up. After that blew up, things have slowly worked forward. Nothing great right now still, but the bad is being processed instead of me being just cold shouldered.

So, don't go as far as I did, but go on a couple of dates. Maybe with not the same guy, so you don't get too involved, but it'll send the message.

He'll remember the attraction when he sees that other guys are into you.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
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Originally Posted By: Joe1981


So, don't go as far as I did, but go on a couple of dates. Maybe with not the same guy, so you don't get too involved, but it'll send the message.

He'll remember the attraction when he sees that other guys are into you.


I think that was well said.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
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thanks Joe. I think actually that might backfire. His personal self worth is SO low and he feels so unattractive and unloveable (I was a contributor to those feelings throughout our marriage) that, while he may feel jealous, it won't spur a territorial thing with him, it'll just solidify his feelings about himself. He's unwilling to fight for me so putting him in a spot where he feels like he might have to win me back would be a bad idea, I think. My situation is very precarious.

We talked tonight. A good talk. I validated lot and really honored his anger and pain. He says he might need to see someone about his anger. He admits to being unusually angry and holding on to a lot of stuff about our marriage. I talked about the kind of marriage I want and that I want it with HIM. I realize this can be construed as pursuing but given that his self esteem and self worth is SO LOW and he feels unattractive, unloveable and unworthy of passion or sexual attraction at all, and I never made him feel any of these things during our marriage, I feel it's a HUGE 180 for me to pursue a little. i want him to know his worth but i want his worth to be known from the inside, not just from me, you know?

Plus, he has basically said "you're hot, you can get anyone, you should just go do that and let me leave." Not exactly the words of someone who wants to become attracted to me by seeing me with guys who might be interested. He's too wounded for that.

He says he thinks he's too broken. That really resonated with me because I have felt that way before. He admits to having to do a lot of work on himself. He was considerably less outwardly angry (no yelling or words of finality) and VERY much less negative. This made it MUCH easier to listen and listen and listen and validate as much as possible. I want him to know I hear him and see him, his pain, his heartache but I also want him to know I see his strength and bravery even though he doesn't see it yet.

Anyone have experience with anger management? Is it beneficial? Does it help with eventually getting to a place of healing? I don't think he'd be open to my suggestion about this kind of thing but I am just curious if anyone has found it helpful. He has SO much anger and he even admits it takes him a LONG time to get over it and forgive. It's in my best interest (and hopefully our future marriage's best interest) to work on this.

Today started off rough. Really rough. but ended well... even with a good hug. Granted it was a "bro hug" but I'll take it!!!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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SS...not trying to second guess you. I trust you to know your sitch and H better than I, and I'm NOT a vet.

I do see your point about not wanting to seem so detached that he feels it's hopeless and starts self medicating, etc. One thing that I do want you to be careful of is falling into a trap where you are being manipulated by his low confidence. If he gets it in his head that you'll never leave him, you need him too much, and so on, he might end up trying to control your behavior through his moods.

I'll quit talking about your H and admit that I did just that in my M. I got depressed as a way to pressure my W to do what I wanted, it was a form of being controlling. Really childish as I look back. Like a kid sulking to get what they want. And, now that I'm on my own, I'm not depressed. Funny that. No one is around to care, so I can either be miserable by myself or choose to be more at peace. Amazing how fast I snapped out of my 'depression' when there was no one to care take me.

I hope some vets chime in, or you have a IC or DB Coach you can talk to about that. I see why you're doing what you are and know it is difficult to find the right path when everything is so convoluted. Wishing you strength, wisdom, and a little Disney magic!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Zues, THANK YOU! First I want to commend you for your introspective realization about using depression as a controlling and manipulating mechanism. What an amazing thing to realize. That must have been hard but really enlightening, huh?

Also thank you for putting me on alert. My H isn't naturally manipulative but I guess it is possible to do what you're talking about unknowingly. It is possible he becomes depressed to get what he wants but it's unlikely. Thing is, he is VERY depressed still and I think he has been for a majority of our marriage. I'm not sure if it's because of me entirely though I know I did not help - at all. He was on anti depressants but took himself off before BD because "they didn't help". His belief is that our marriage caused his depression but he may be realizing that even after separating he is still depressed and still very angry.

He believed that getting out of the marriage would be the "healthy action" because he'd be getting away from what was making him feel terribly but I think the reality is that, while our marriage was AWFUL, being in it already depressed made it worse and it's not something you can escape with a separation. I wonder if he's coming to that understanding or not. I think he's thinking about 10,000 other things right now.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Today has been quiet but I am so glad! Sushi dinner, 2 days at Disneyland, D7's birthday... I needed quiet and space.

Having a glass of viognier on D's last day of summer while she reads her 6th chapter book today. This kid and reading. It's insane. 2nd grade here she comes! How did that happen?

I have an interview tomorrow. I'm eager and excited. I also have a job prospect that seems great but the job description isn't well defined (which scares me because in the past that has meant the list of "other duties as assigned" is excessive and I end up becoming someone's personal assistant), I don't know the pay/benefits package and I'm not sure the commute will mesh into life easily whether I'm married or divorced.

I am purposely not telling H about these interviews/job prospects because I am notorious for making decisions on what is best for the family rather than for ME! I get to do this for ME! It's frightening and awesome at the same time!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Good luck tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you!!


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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Didn't post this on GAL thread, but for me it's been spirituality. Here's a link to a profound biography on the Buddha.

http://video.pbs.org/video/1461557530/

Why did I bring this up? It ties to the whole 'depression' thing. Listen, I'm not minimizing depression. You are talking to someone that has walked through a valley of darkness that was not all a childish ploy. And I'm not doctor or expert, so I appreciate you taking your H's situation seriously.

What I can tell you though is for me it was in my head. And I did blame the M and my STBX. Somehow I thought that if she was a better W and we had a better M I'd be happy. I blamed her for the broken M, hence my unhappiness. But while there are definitely opportunities to grow as a partner, only I am responsible for my happiness. I know this now.

The biggest thing I have done differently since I have been on my own is accepting negative emotions. Read my thread if you want. I used to feel like if I felt bad "something needed to be different". Either externally, or somehow I had to grow. Now I get that it's ok to feel bad at appropriate times. What is wrong is feeling like I must be broken for feeling bad. And as they say, 'sad' is when 'I have a problem', 'depressed' is when I AM a problem. So accepting sad is a big part of avoiding depression for me.

Hope this makes sense. Maybe by being on his own your H will see you're not to blame. And self medicating by spiraling addictions won't work for him either. Seek good help and find the way to keep the door open when he hits rock bottom without becoming co-dependent or enabling him.

BE STRONG AND KEEP IT UP. IT'S NOT FUN BUT IT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT TASK, I'M GLAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU IS HANDLING IT.


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Zues,

Thank you for your confidence in me. It really means a lot. I also really appreciate your perspective because I really think it's an insight into my husband's perspective and feelings.

We were so enmeshed that I can totally see how he could think that if I were better at ... everything... he'd be less depressed/angry and more loved/appreciated. I don't necessarily think he's wrong I just don't think I'm the SOLE reason for his depression. I can fix my part and I'm committed to that... but I am not responsible for, nor am I able to fix the part that is his responsibility. His own unhappiness at the root of his core is for HIM to fix and he really CAN do it. I believe in him. I don't know that he does though and that breaks my heart a little.

Thanks for your cheerleading. I need it! Always!

On a separate note, spirituality has REALLY helped me, too. I'll check out your video in a bit.

I downloaded a habit creating app (not to be confused with a habit breaking app) to help me fit in 10 minutes of meditation daily and get in touch with my spirituality. It's something I realy want to continue on in my life with or without H.

Cheers to you, Zues.

Last edited by Ss06; 08/25/14 04:00 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Happy hump day, DBers!!!

Had a session with my coach this morning and a job interview immediately following... What a day!

Feeling motivated and like I'm on a good path.

I killed the job interview! It's tailor made for me and I could tailor it even more. The commute might become a challenge as far as being able to pick up my daughter on time but it might be time to look into a nanny for the afternoons/evenings. Something I should talk to H about but I don't want to mention it until I know if I got the job and hear about compensation.

H is seeming conflicted lately. In fact he said as much last night after putting D7 down for bed. He had tears in his eyes and said, "I miss that". I could tell he meant that he missed being home and putting her to bed. I just nodded and smiled. Then he said, "I'm just feeling conflicted right now." and dawdled around a bit then left for his apartment.

I'm trying not to get too excited over that comment and continue to GAL like crazy, get excited about a possible job offer and upcoming changes in my life.

Today, life is good.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Keep us posted on the job, Ss! Good for you!

My H said the same thing about feeling conflicted, especially as I started making changes, but then pulled back really hard and seemed more sure than ever about his decision. (To which I said, WTH?) Now I'm just riding things out and seeing where it all goes. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but it is really important to not get too excited and continue to do things for you!


Me: 35, H: 37, no kids
Together since 2002, Married since 2007
IDKIILY: 2/2013
MC: 5/2013-6/2014
H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014
I moved out 7/6/14
H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
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Thank you Jacket for the warning. I know that H's "conflictedness" (like my new word?) is possibly just words and perhaps not true feelings BUT I'm choosing to see it as a moment of vulnerability from him and in our marriage, we were never vulnerable with each other. We were afraid to look weak for fear the other would pounce and hurt us. I hate that we were like that so I'm trying to see his vulnerability as a good sign. He didn't have to share that with me. I am choosing to let it be just a sentence but not one wrapped in gold sparkling and shining.

Hang in there, Jacket. You're not alone.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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My favorite part is how our brains immediately and automatically create meanings all over the place. No matter what. Drives me nuts...facial expressions, sighs, accidental bumps, etc...they all seem to mean something in my head, at least for a second. I'm learning to slow my mind down some and take a more objective view of things so I don't get too spun up about every little thing.

Keep after it!


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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Good job ss! You are smart to take the comments for what they were... a brief moment of thoughts. They may change, they may not. Time will tell. Glad to hear about your job interview as well. That has to do wonders for your PMA!!! Let's hope you get it!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Originally Posted By: Joe1981
My favorite part is how our brains immediately and automatically create meanings all over the place. No matter what. Drives me nuts...facial expressions, sighs, accidental bumps, etc...they all seem to mean something in my head, at least for a second. I'm learning to slow my mind down some and take a more objective view of things so I don't get too spun up about every little thing.

Keep after it!


Joe,

YES! I'm actually tired of looking at the tiny little things because the reality is my H is NOT a hint dropper and he's not a hint picker-upper either. The little things with him don't mean anything and I have to keep that in mind. If he skims my arm, it was an accident. Everyone's sitch is different.

I also find myself desperately seeking for signs from the universe as if the whole world is conspiring to communicate with me. I am overthinking and over analyzing everything and it's messing with my head. Gotta stop all that.

Pilot,

Thanks for your encouragement. It simply has not been enough time for him to trust my changes and I know that. I took his words as the universe encouraging me to keep doing what I'm doing. That's all.

My PMA is pretty good. I'd almost say it's solid. The job interview certainly helped but more than anything it's the prospect of being wanted/needed and valued. I haven't felt that professionally in a LONG time. What a great feeling. I wonder if because I haven't gotten that feeling professionally I've been searching for it from H during our marriage and was sorely disappointed. There's only so much wanting/needing and valuing a spouse can give you. The rest has to come from else where or... here's an idea... from WITHIN!!!

Profound stuff folks.

Off to yoga and to connect with the universe and over analyze every song and pose as being a message JUST for me. I'm not self-centered at all. wink


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Originally Posted By: Ss06
I wonder if because I haven't gotten that feeling professionally I've been searching for it from H during our marriage and was sorely disappointed.


While it is possible, I would not start second guessing things like this. It can turn into too much self blame where non existed. Take it for what it is worth. You are feeling great right now! smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
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You're right, Pilot. Doesn't matter at this point.


I am trying to be realistic but this is the first time in a LONG time I'm experiencing true happiness. I mean, I don't really know if i know what that word means anymore but I feel, from my own actions and not the actions of others, really excited about my future, things on the horizon, the work I've done and continue to do on myself, the relationships I'm building, the excitement I'm feeling.

Sure, there's a tight ball of pain right in my solar plexus but it's much smaller and lighter than it once was. I hate the "child exchange" and not seeing my daughter all the time but with me going back to work I'm just going to have to get used to it. I'm learning to adapt and adjust and strangely I think it's because H isn't around. He is NOT good at adapting and I think by proxy I became rusty.

I haven't heard from that company I interviewed for yesterday but I'm trying not to panic. I'm working on patience and MAN, is it hard but it's good for me. I do wonder why the world works so slowly. Everything takes so long! GRRR!!!

Anyway, I like the direction my life is going. I want H to be part of it but right now it is best I do this on my own. I like what I'm discovering about myself. I'm looking forward to discovering more. I wonder if H notices my radiating happiness.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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I'm happy for you. Good luck.


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Ss, I just want to say how happy I am that you seem to be doing SO WELL! Just a week or so ago you were in quite the dramatic situation and now you are PMA and GAL with the best of them. I am so happy to see it!!!

Good luck on the job!

And yeah that comment from your H is a good one. It might not last but better that he feels sometimes conflicted and confused than always sure, right?

Sending you good thoughts! You are doing so well! Big hug, Lisa

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Gotan and Lisa, thanks for your encouragement and support!

I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm in limbo with H, limbo with learning if I got this job or not which puts me in limbo with finding a nanny, and puts d7 in limbo with a lot of her life, too. I'm frustrated that D7's school isn't challenging her enough (like, not even close and I've had two meeting with them about this!) so she's bored out of her skull. I hate limbo...

BUT, earlier today I was reminded about a book I read a while back. The Alchemist. Anyone read it? Well you should. It's a book everyone should read at least once in their lifetime. it's about a boy who goes on a journey but midway through he realizes he doesn't have the funds to get him to his destination as he had planned so he ends up having to take up work in a crystal shop. He works hard, turns the crystal shop into a thriving business and ends up making enough money eventually to continue his journey. You'll have to read the book for the rest but my point is that the crystal shop is a metaphor for being in limbo. For feeling like you're standing still but making slow strides toward what you perceive your goal to be.

The moral of the story is: Trust your journey.

I know that most of us didn't choose to go through this particular journey right now or that it be such a painful journey but her we are... on this journey whether we like it or not. It'll wind and climb and zig zag for sure and there are times you'll be working in a crystal shop for a bit... kind of like right now.

Hugs to all of you!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Great metaphor, and thanks for the cliff notes on the book. Lord knows I have read too many lately...

I know what you mean about limbo as I have been posting the same feelings. I also know what you mean about being frustrated at your D school not being challenging. I got lucky and convinced my W to let me send my S5 to a school which would offer the best challenge to him. Some here got onto me about being so steadfast on insisting he go to this school, but I am glad I did and I am glad it worked out. I really hope you get things worked out for your D...having her bored at school at that age can be a bad thing long term.

Keep up your PMA and GAL... You have been doing well for yourself!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
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What you say about being in limbo reminds me of an exchange with my IC a while ago. At one point she said "I can see that you are uncomfortable with being out of control of things" even though I was talking about something totally different. Her pointing that out to me did make me realize how much of my anxiety and frustration related to the feeling of being out of control of the situation (in limbo) rather than the situation itself. Realizing this has made it easier to let go of these feelings and view this whole debacle as a bit of a journey. After all, things do generally tend to work out. They may not end the way I expect or want them to at the beginning, but they do work out.

It sounds like you are doing really well SS, with lots to look forward to. Trust in the journey and try to be comfortable with not being in control.


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I understand my W just said that she feels like she is in limbo. I think she is starting to see the grass is not always greener and that her family loves her. Just do what feels right for you and keep moving forward.


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What an interesting night.

D7 is at H's tonight...

at 4:15 I get a call from H saying he is stuck on PCH and can't get to pick her up and take her to karate and would I mind, if I'm not too busy, picking her up and taking her and he'll meet us there as soon as he gets out of the traffic hell. I told him no prob and went to pick her up.

He showed up at karate and looked super stressed. I asked about traffic and let him vent for a bit. He thanked me profusely for being available and handling the pick up and karate. I told him it was no problem at all. Here was the convo:

H: Man I really effed that up.
Me: Effed up what? Picking her up? You can't predict traffic and I happened to be available. It's no biggie. Who would have thought 2.5 hours wouldn't be enough to get from work to her school. It's fine.
H: I know but I'm trying to handle all of this on my own and I just couldn't today.
Me: But it wasn't your fault. You did what you could and I helped because i could. No big deal.
H: and I really need to charge my car
Me: Why don't you go to the house, charge your car and if you want, I bought Southwest chicken, you can pop that into the oven and D7 and I will be home in about 40 minutes. Pour yourself a glass of wine and breathe for a minute. 2.5 hours of traffic is hell. Go!
H: Are you sure?
Me: Yes! Go!
H: But I feel badly.
Me: Why? It's just chicken. Go!
H: Ok, thank you. See you guys at home

Now remember we're separated so this is a big thing I suggested here. D7 and I came in the door, he'd started dinner, was drinking a glass of wine and was sitting on the couch. It was like an insight into what I hope our life will look like in about a year. D7 was excited because she got a red stripe on her belt today, H needed to vent about his day and I was the day's hero. It was great.

We ate dinner, told knock knock jokes, laughed a lot, talked about D7's school and the upcoming week, my job interview... it was nice.

Then I mentioned that I would really appreciate it if he could brush out D7's hair at night and then again in the morning before school because it's a matted mess and if it gets worse I'd have to take scissors to it (her hair is curly and long and needs to be pulled back every day because they have swimming at school). He apologized. I noticed he was taking that rather hard despite my gentle approach so I told him once she's old enough to handle it on her own, it's not a problem but until then he needs to find a brush he likes and use it every night and every morning whether she wants him to or not. It's part of being a little girl to have your hair brushed and if she's going to fight it we'll have to cut her hair off (to which she yelled NOOOO!!!).

I noticed that D7's behavior was a little off today so I asked H if he gave her her medicine this morning. He cursed and said he forgot. I suggested he set an alarm in his phone and said that's the only way I can remember myself with mornings being so busy (trying to be empathetic... mornings are tough with kids, getting them dressed, hair, lunches, back packs packed, swim bag, karate stuff, teeth brushing... it's a lot to manage and I can tell he's overwhelmed).

I offered for him to leave his car to charge over night and take my car back to his place and we'll meet for coffee in the morning to exchange D7 and switch cars. He said that would help him a lot and expressed appreciation.

As we were walking out the door and he was about to give me his key he said he has no way to get into the gate at his apartment complex. He further explained that his car has a feature that allows him to enter the gate and he never bothered to pick up the opener from the rental office so he has to take his own car. I shrugged and said, ok. Oh well, guess it won't be fully charged. He said he'd have to charge it in the morning before his autograph signing event tomorrow. Then he said something about he's failing miserably at all this.

I think he thinks he's supposed to juggle all the things I did (mostly D7's care and maintenance) without any mistakes so I tried to encourage him and told him it's a LOT to manage and to give himself a break. Asking for help doesn't make him weak and that's what being a team is about. I happened to be available and it worked out tonight. I may not always be the case and things would still be fine.

Poor guy feels like a failure and he totally is NOT! I do, however, feel pretty good that he's realizing how hard it is to do all this stuff. Since BD he has been MUCH more involved with D7 but he isn't naturally regimented so he has no idea HOW to help himself remember to give her her meds or know that hair brushing is a part of the morning, or forethought on car-charging is a good idea or whatever. He's also the kind of guy who won't figure out HOW to make his life easier in this department. He won't make a checklist or even download an app to help. He won't set alarms or anything like that. He won't even THINK about coming up with these ideas, he'll just get down on himself for not doing it right. But I think he did a GREAT job all in all, he just needs systems to help him out. But my suggestion of that will ensure that it won't happen. He doesn't work like that.

GRR, how frustrating.

In the end though, it was a great evening and while I don't want him to walk away feeling inadequate I think he does. It's not easy being a dad who is separated. He's really trying. His life would be a LOT easier if he just moved back home and reconciled but he'll need to figure that out on his own. wink


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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I'm upgrading my previous post SS - sounds like you are doing REALLY well! Lots of positive interactions tonight. Well done!


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Wow, Ss, what a generous spirit you have! Maybe it will be good for him to find his way a little bit-- I know that has helped me develop some confidence.


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That's Right It Would Be A Lot Easier I Say the same thing all the time just be patient.


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Good for you ss. Im happy for ya tonight.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
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H sent me a text:

"Thank you again for your help today and for hosting dinner. It was nice."

smile


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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I think you handled that really well. Lovingly, but detached and not trying to win him over. You didn't scold. You didn't try to make him feel guilty. You gave him help, asked him to be sure to do certain things that have to happen, and made a couple of friendly suggestions, and even gave him the old pat on the butt for encouragement.

If he didn't come away from that feeling at least somewhat more positive about you, he really may be crazy. Stay strong! You are doing amazing!


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
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Hi Ss, I agree with the others. Congrats are in order!

And also he should be having some serious feelings of admiration for you now. Not only is he realizing how difficult it is to pull off what you do, you have also been able to help him. If he's not a complete idiot he is realizing how amazing you are.

Hugs,
LisaB

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Thanks for the encouraging words, folks.

I'm not so sure he notices much other than i'm not making his life harder but I'm still happy with my actions and words so that's that.

We met up today for kid exchange (hate that) over coffee. I did my hair (which is getting long and H loves that), make up, smell like the beach and have lost more weight (can't really lose any more so gotta watch that). I hope he notices.

I guess it's good that our kid exchange is an event and not some thing done in the driveway where he doesn't even turn off the car ("tuck and roll, D7, tuck and roll). We talked about all kinds of things but he wants a more consistent visitation schedule and I agree. I guess I wish we didn't have to even talk about that and he'd just say, "things are obviously so great I think I'll come home now and we can go have intensive sessions with MWD and go to Retrovaille and all will be well". Alas.

The bright side is, the worst of all this is having to talk visitation with our daughter. There's no D talk. No angry exchanges, no punitive actions or remarks.

I realized this morning that he took my trash out. No joke. This is something HE NEVER DID when he was living here. I asked him about it and he said he did it last night because he noticed it was overflowing and I always felt like I was living with a 12 year old. My jaw fell to the floor and I've not picked it up yet. We have been fighting for 10 years over him taking the trash out when it's full rather than stuffing it down and waiting for someone else to do it (me). I feel like I'm living in a fantasy world... I just hope that world turns into one with us staying married and not one where he gets the idea we're doing great separate and should get a D but since we're not there, I'm thinking about MUCH more positive things.

H is off to sign autographs today so that should be a good ego boost. He deserves it.

I will be hanging out with awesome friends and their awesome kids at a pool party all afternoon and evening. H is invited and when his event is over he may show up but it doesn't matter because I'm happy with myself, in my own bubble and really radiating that joy all over the freaking place. And I can say with honesty that it's not fake. Maybe I faked it until I became it but I am genuinely happy and content with myself which is something I haven't felt in a LONG time. It feels great and I'm excited about life.

Off to go pick out some fun cheeses to share with our friends today and buy a memory card for D7's new underwater camera. So much fun to be had today!!!

Shanti,
Ss


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Really happy for ya ss!!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
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Kicking butt and taking names. Great job!

Have a blast.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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So I am curious about your dynamic with your spouse pre BD.

When you two were out with friends, say at their house would you two feel connected?

Here's why I'm asking:

H is very entertaining. Hilarious and generally the life of the party. When we are hanging out with other people, we have no connection. And I'm talking for 18 years before BD to even now. He is so outwardly connected to the other people but he's not inwardly connected to himself or me. I realize it's a different situation now that we're separated but I think that's why we have no problem getting along when we're out with others... He doesn't check in, he doesn't take notice, he is too busy being ON. So at get togethers with friends I became the SOLE parent for D7, was the one offering to do dishes or whatever, but he barely even spoke to me.

It's something I always noticed... like there was no rub of my back after dinner or subtle check in with me "you ok, babe?" with a kiss or even a teeny tiny conversation on the side like "hey, this is good wine, what do you think?" It's like I wasn't even there. He's so externally involved that it's like he didn't even notice me.

I just don't get it, I guess. It would have been nice if had even ONE intimate moment as just the two of us while passing each other in the hall way or whatever, I don't know... instead he treated me like a stranger.

It seems petty as I type it right now but we missed so many opportunities to share a second of intimacy and we couldn't even stay connected while out having a good time with company.

So, tonight, like any other night out with friends, H and I barely looked at each other. It's sad really.

Last edited by Ss06; 08/31/14 06:01 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Hi Ss, that really does sound sad. I know what you mean. People who get a lot of validation and energy from groups can be very self-absorbed. They are so busy entertaining and engaging that they can't really think about anything else.

I can be a bit like this myself. I love being social and entertaining people. Sometimes I am not really connected to myself or to the others when I do it. It is all about being on and having the people laughing and enjoying themselves and thinking I am just so hilarious. I'm sure that friends have sometimes felt ignored or disconnected or annoyed at this I am sure.

As far as my H and I before BD, yes mostly when things were good we would be connected while with friends. Now when I go out with couples and see them connecting with each other while in a group setting I feel happy for them and a bit jealous. I think it is really nice.

On the other hand Ss you are doing so great! I'm so glad to hear you are happy and feeling good about life! And that is a great story about the trash. smile

Have a great rest of the weekend!
Hugs, Lisa

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Ss, sounds like your H is an extrovert. How would you describe yourself?

I wouldn't describe myself as an introvert (I do draw my energy from other people) but I am certainly not the life of the party either. I think my H is the same. I guess I ask because when me and my H were out together pre-BD, I think our connection came through the fact that we are both NOT the life of the party and have many boisterous friends. We would tend to sit back, listen and watch what others are saying/doing and connect over that.

If you are an introvert and he is an extrovert I can see how that could be difficult since his attention could be focussed elsewhere while you are taking it all in.

Last edited by ganb8te; 08/31/14 08:29 AM.

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I've been guilty of doing what you describe, and I'm certainly no extrovert. That said, he probably never even knew he was doing it. He probably has always viewed those situations as a chance to socialize and connect w/ others, not you. He most likely didn't know that you needed that connection/check-in at social events to feel loved. I know I didn't know that, and I most certainly wanted my W to feel loved.

Unfortunately for you, right now is not a time when he cares much about making you happy. You will be best served by setting this need aside and saving it for way down the road when he's ready to hear what more you need from him.

For now, try to keep doing the things that are working and avoid the ones that aren't.

Stay strong!


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
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Thanks Lisa, Gan and Joe, your insights are hugely helpful!

I think my H is an extrovert BUT I think he would disagree. I'm not sure he knows the difference between being an extrovert and being an internal processor. He is very extroverted: outgoing, friendly, funny, witty, involved and engaged but when there are things going on, he processes them internally.

I, however am an extrovert who processes things externally. I NEED to vent... sometimes over and over... and then I can process things better. I'm finding that writing things in a journal or typing it out here really helps me see things and process them more healthily.

Anyway, like you suggested Joe, I don't plan on bringing this up to him or anything. It was more of an observation.


This morning H came and we all went out to breakfast to a place I suggested. He had never been there and I could tell he tried really hard to let me know he liked the place and would like to go back again. He was SO much more positive. Normally if he sort of didn't like the place he'd say, "meh, it was fine" but that'd be it. Today he said the food was "good", the service sucked but the ambiance was amazing and maybe if we went at a different time it'd be awesome. No invite or anything.

I've noticed H and I have hung out socially every day since Thursday and have plans to do something tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's because he misses D7 or if he enjoys doing things as a family. Who knows.

On our way to breakfast this morning (I drove) I had to get gas. As I pulled into the gas station he got out of the car immediately and filled up my tank. It is something he really has always done. It's so nice and "manly". I expressed my gratitude but I wonder if it just went over his head.

We're hanging out, we're getting along GREAT, we're having a lot of fun, laughing a lot, co-parenting D7 really well together...

all of this is wonderful, but I want him to come home. More time is good, I personally still have a lot of growing to do and the space helps with that but I just wish I could get into his head and see what he's thinking about all this.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Ss, what are your detach strategies lately? I've also been seeing my WAW almost everyday, but we have to in order to get our house ready to sell. We've had fun, but since all of my free time has went towards the house, and she's frequently there, I've found it much harder to detach (I was doing much better 3 weeks ago).


Me 38, WAW 30
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Good question, Card. I ask myself this constantly. I feel like I'm pretty detached. I want what is best for him from a distance. I'm really good at not falling over myself to rescue him if it's not convenient or something I would do for my neighbor. Because of that, the see saw is tipping in the other direction and he is picking up the slack. He's really doing a great job.

I ask myself all the time how I'd feel if H came to me and said despite all the good going on right now and the promise that is obviously present, he still wants a D. The idea of that hurts but it's not like the changes I've made and the person I'm becoming will have been in vain. I'd hate the "business" of a divorce, dividing things up, what it'd do to D7 long term, etc. but I really will be fine. It's not what I want at all but I really will be fine, better than fine.

I also know that the marriage we had before is unacceptable to me and, while not what I want to do, I am willing to let go and move on if that's not possible. Yes, that means changes on his end. I can't change him though and I completely realize that. I can tell he's trying to be more positive in general (one of my biggest complaints was that he was constantly negative about absolutely everything and that's not an exaggeration even in the slightest). I need more though. So much more.

I can't trust that he'd be a partner. He was always escaping under the guise of "work" or whatever. I won't be set aside again. I need a partner and I deserve that.

I am prepared to be the wife and woman I know how to be. I have done a lot of work in a short amount of time and I will never, ever stop doing that work. I will never be in the position I was in (which I was partially responsible for, I fully admit) for the last 3-4 years of our marriage. I know myself better and I value myself much more. Much more.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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On a separate note:

If your LL is words of affirmation I could use your guidance.

I would like to affirm H more but I really struggle with this sounding awkward or scripted and I feel even weirder about since we're separated. Things between us are not uncomfortable but I really want to start being better about this and work it into a habit.

Suggestions? I cannot be the root of a better self esteem for him but I certainly can love him the way he needs to be loved.

I really need help with this. Whatcha got?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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I thought you'd been using them well, especially on chicken dinner night.

You're doing really well, Ss. Keep up the great work!


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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Really? gosh, thanks!

Do you ever wonder if you're doing better at something than you think you're doing? Maybe that's me. It's a good problem to have, right?

I'm still open to ideas folks. What would you like to hear more of if that's your LL? Spell it out. This stuff REALLY helps me.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Ss,

One thing I was thinking about during the evening when you had to help him out was to give him some props in some way. Not sure what that would sound like (and I totally totally get that it was a 180 for you to not criticize him!). But maybe find a situation where you can try to honestly give him credit.

Maybe something like: "I really appreciate that you made the effort to..." (Even if the end result wasn't what you wanted, or he didn't do it quite right"
Or "I love watching you spend time with D7" (well, something to that affect, affirming his role as a good dad). I offered this last suggestion because, even though my H would sometimes tell me I was a good mom, he didn't express that it moved HIM, or made his feelings for me stronger. Maybe I'm not explaining this correctly, but hope it helps a bit.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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YES, Claire! That's helpful! Thank you!

He has REALLY owned being a dad lately in the discipline department, handling things on his own and the fun/quality time department and he absolutely deserves major props for that. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as too much in this area, right?

Your suggestion of "I really appreciate you making the effort to..." is a great one!

I can do that.

Any more? Anyone? Bueller?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Ss, my primary LL is Affection, but Words of Affirmation is a close second. Claire7's suggestion of telling him how much you love watching him be a good dad is spot on for me. A couple of months before the BD from my WAW, she was complimenting my singing and playing music to D2 (D1 at the time), how impressed she was, etc. I really don't care what anyone else thinks about that stuff, but it always drove me mad (in a good way) when she told me. In general, anything you can see him making an effort with, I would acknowledge. But I also wouldn't drown him with compliments, though, as it might come off scripted or disingenuous if there is a sudden swell of them.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Thank you Card. Your LLs are my H's too. So, please feel free to suggest things I can do or could have done in my posts to be more loving in those areas. I really appreciate your male perspective. I think for so long I just wrote off H's feelings. It's something I am working through (the guilt and why I did it) BUT I know I can hit this out of the park once I get it down.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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I'm in the same boat. I hate the fact that I wasted years of opportunity. Honestly, I never even considered EN's or LL (never heard of it until after BD). My parents did not have a good marriage, and my family is littered with the BigD. I never learned how to sustain a marriage. I had this foolish idea that if I was a great dad and played piano well, my W would never leave me. Being a great dad is still important, but the fact that piano playing was near the top of my list to secure my marriage shows how naive I was. But I know I can't dwell on the missed opportunities, because those are already missed. Trying to stay positive, detach and work on myself while my WAW is in the fog. Hopefully she turns and looks at me when she gets to the other side of it. I will be a better man regardless of her decision, though.

As far as other suggestions, just about any affection or words of affirmation sound amazing to me now since I have been starved of them for a few months now smirk In my sitch, I'm trying to figure out how and when to show affection to a WAW. So the things she loved for years, and that I neglected (hugs, massages, long kisses, rubbing fingers through hair) are all off the menu right now. Instead I'm trying to be a great friend to areas that she desperately needs help with, IF she is willing to accept the help. And she has plenty of those right now. She's struggling with maybe the worst depression of her life (after years of it), is behind with school work, is stressed about our house going up for sale, and is probably feeling tons of guilt about our family and D2. The only thing she is allowing me to help with is the house, which I'm living in, so I am attacking it. Coincidentally, one of my biggest Love Busters for her was lack of initiative and follow-through. Part of my 180 has been to be incredibly proactive with the house and D2 stuff, and to follow through on everything possible. WAW has helped a lot the last 2 weeks with the house, but I have done SO much work on it over the last 2 months, and she has taken notice. Rule #29!

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Card,

I am so grateful for your post above for so many reasons. It really feels that you wrote it from the heart. (((hugs)))

Let me say that it's a little uncanny that your LL are the same as my H's, your wife's love busters are the same as mine, too and your piano playing is weird because my H works in the music industry and plays the piano.

Are you my H? LOL

Anyway, I want to encourage you to keep doing what you're doing. I find it amazing that you're able to see your W's guilt and pain and depression and be willing to do what you can while still caring for yourself.

Hang in there and thanks for your insights to my sitch. It's truly helpful.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Your lucky my wife's and my are totally different but the book really helped me out. Keep up the good work.


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Hi Claire, my LL is words of affirmation. I will tell you that anything anyone says to me as a compliment makes me feel great if I think they mean it.

I would echo Maybell's advice and compliment him on how impressed you are with something he has done with your D7.

But also other small things in passing if you want. It doesn't have to be a big declaration. It could be just a little thing like as you walk past him saying "wow, you look nice today, that color looks good with your eyes" or "look how you tied D7's shoes that's really neat, how did you do that?" or as he is talking validating something about him like "you are always so smart/ clever/ good at that". Does that make sense?

For me it is the big declarations and affirmations of course, but also the little ones. Too many does sound fake and ass kissing but if you throw one in there every once in a while it will make him feel good.

My H is terrible with my LL. Even at the best times in our relationship I would only feel his admiration of me through his eyes and his behavior. (which is great but..) Never through words. I find it funny that we all give love in OUR love language and think that is enough for the other as well.

I wish I could figure out a way to work my H's Quality Time LL into my NC method. haha.

Hugs, Lisa

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ss, I would stick with the basic male needs. The need to feel like a provider and the need to feel like a good father. Compliment him with WOA in these two areas on a regular basis and it will help him feel warm around you.

Just my opinion...


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
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My LLs are also words of affirmation and physical touch. I see this as relatively easy to throw his way.

I agree w/ Lisa and pilot. I'll add my 2 cents:
Every time you do meet with him for something, say something complimentary. Not over the top and change it up. Little stuff, mediums stuff, big stuff. Be honest though. It'll come off as fake if it is fake. But you should be able to find something good every time.

Think piggy bank. You aren't putting $100 bills in there, but a coin every single day will add up.

Similar for physical touch. Little, light, casual touches. Even some accidental brushes up against him may have power (they do on me). Light hand on shoulder, for a moment, super-short, mini back-rub (5-10 sec), fingers in hair.

If you're feeling bold and if he's muscular, silently and subtly "admire" his biceps through his shirt w/ your fingertips (5-10 seconds max).

Be a little more cautious w/ physical touch, as it could more easily construed as pursuing. It can be powerful though. Think of it as a really spicy pepper, a little bit brings an awesome zing and makes you want more...too much and you're looking for a bucket of ice water.

Early on, go for the, "did she accidentally brush up against me, or was that on purpose?" style of physical contact. If that is successful, you can gradually increase the heat.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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You guys are awesome! All of these are nuggets of gold!

I can work all of these suggestions into our contact.

I feel tentative complimenting him on his "providership" because, let's face it, with D on the table that stuff isn't mine. He however is a GREAT father and has really stepped up to the plate more since BD. I don't want to say that guilt is the reason because it's a horrible thing to accuse someone of being a good parent because they feel guilty but I think he is really trying to build a good relationship with D7 so that whatever happens, she is solid. You know?

I need to work on complimenting him more directly. I'm really good about speaking well of him while he's around like, "H has this way of making D7 giggle like no one else. They both were in hysterics last night before bed, it was just so sweet." but perhaps that's not enough. I can do better.

The physical touch, especially if it looks accidental, I can do. The more direct stuff I feel needs to come later. Like you said, Joe, I need to be careful here. He REALLY felt like I didn't want HIM in our marriage. He has told me that he wants to be wanted himself, not just to move back home so we can be a family. He wants more and I don't blame him. Everyone wants to be wanted and cherished and I'm determined to figure out how to SHOW him these things.

Whew. This is tough stuff. But I'm counting my blessings... forward progress. I'll take the win!!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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wah wah... Screw up big time...

He texts me this morning saying he'll be over around noon.

Here's our conversation:

H: Ok, is there anything else I can bring?
Me: (like an idiot) Your heart and your suitcase?
H: (after a loooong pause) The gesture means a lot, but at the moment both are still empty. I wish I could say otherwise.
Me: I didn't mean to put pressure on your. I was mostly joking but it wasn't cool. Sorry.
H: I didn't feel pressure at all, no worries. I took it as a little 'check in', which isn't bad - I don't think.

Head desk.

I was flying high on gratitude with the direction of my life and feeling good and said something I shouldn't have. Luckily he took it well but man, I wish I hadn't said it.

Time. Time. Time. Can I hang on?

It's hard feeling like I have to earn him back as if I'm not good enough for him but then on the other hand I feel like he has LOTS of growing to do himself and so do I so the space is good and necessary. Why am I always of two minds?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Ss, we all have those moments. For what it's worth, I think your H's response was honest and positive, to the extent that he can be positive while being honest. (Does that make any sense? It does in my head.) It sounds like he wants things to be different, but just doesn't have the tools to be there yet. My H is the same way.

Don't let it get you too far down. Just don't do it every day. smile


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
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Thanks Elsa. I appreciate your support. I don't feel flattened by it because often I am desperate for some kind of litmus test on where his head is but it hurts when it's not what you want to hear. Truth is, and this is what frustrates me with my being of two minds all the time, if he said he'd come back tomorrow I'd say, "Wait! No! Not yet! We have more work to do separately!" So why do I do this to myself?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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I know what you mean. I have this fantasy of him begging to come back and me saying, "It's too soon," and then we can both have what we want -- to feel wanted (me) and space (him).

I know I'm detached when the negative response doesn't even bother me. I just let those statements roll off my back now. You will get there too -- stay strong!


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
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What you said was cute and charming. And he took it nicely so that's good. Separation is lousy.

And we do it to ourselves because it's a kind of limbo even if we're moving forward with good stuff with it. There are too many open questions we want answered.

I think I'm hijacking so I'll stop there.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Hi Ss, awww I found that really cute too. And yes, he replied really well I thought! I think my WAH would have said "What do you mean by that? We are done! I'm not ever coming back! Why would you say that???" So I think you got a nice reply!

You are awesome! Good for you being so brave and strong and loving! But yeah, don't do it again for a while. smile

Have a good day!
Hugs, LisaB


Me: 34 H: 30
M: 4 years
BD: 6/15/14
He moved out 6/30/14
OW1: EA then PA after BD
Now he's dating multiple OWs
I'm over it and moving on.
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Elsa,

I was surprised by his response NOT stinging like it would have a month ago. I took that as a measure of my detachment, too. It was a good insight for me but it didn't destroy me and set me back emotionally. Growth. It does a heart good. wink

Maybell,

Never worry about hijacking. Insight is insight and if it relates back to a vent you need to get out, so be it! I welcome it all! After what you've faced today, you need a kick boxing class to get the smell of bacon out of your soul.

Lisa,

I would NEVER have said what I did if I didn't see some glimmers of hope. Clearly these glimmers are tiny based on his response but they are there. I just hope the glimmer doesn't die down before too long.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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See, that stupid text this morning really messed me up and now I'm fighting my way back to where I was. Why do I do stuff like that?!

H was gone all day with D7, just came back and said he wanted a more consistent schedule of visitation. Great, I would too except that figuring that out right now while I potentially could hear news of a new job this coming week would be futile so I suggested he take her T/W/Th and I'd take her Friday through the weekend. He grumbled. I asked him what he'd prefer. Here's how it went down:

H: Well it's just hard to manage her on days I work.
Me: I understand. It is hard.
H: And I WORK so it's just generally hard for me. I don't get to go to yoga on a tuesday morning. (this was a dig at me for being a SAHM which HE WANTED BTW)
Me: So when would you prefer to have D7? If you have her during the week then I'd have her for the weekend. It's early enough to make plans for the weekend if you wanted.
H: Sorry, I must not be articulating myself well.
Me: ok
H: It's just hard.
Me: Yes it is. It is very hard.
H: And she has so many things going on after school so I can't make phone calls and stuff.
Me: Yes, this is true but you can make phone calls while she is AT school.
H: But that's when I'm looking for work (he's an independent contractor so he has to search out for work although he has an agent, i'm not sure why he's looking for work and not his agent).
Me: When would you like to have D7 then?
H: :sigh: Tues/Wed/Thurs is fine.
Me: If it's not ok, just say so but what do you propose then?
H: Nothing. It's fine.
Me: Ok then.
H: I should go.
Me: Ok. You seem upset or agitated.
H: I just spent the day with my parents, I'm always agitated spending time with them.
Me: (relieved it isn't me though I'm sure I'm part of it) Yeah, they can be draining sometimes. I'm sorry. I hope you had somewhat of a fun and relaxing day off though.
H: Yeah.
Me: Good.
H: Ok, well I was going to set up the Wii for D7 and all that but I feel bad. I guess it's technically "your day" and I took her for the whole day.
Me: :shrug:
H: No comment on that? Ok. Well.
Me: She has a bit of a cold and I want her to get good rest for hitting school tomorrow, you know?
H: Yeah. Ok.

I proceed upstairs to put away the sheets and towels.

I need to chill out. It's just a freaking visitation schedule. Am I being difficult? I am aren't I?

What could i have done?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Personally, I don't think you are being difficult. You didn't take the bait about the SAHM stuff (ew). He is projecting his frustration with
A) his parents (maybe they are even giving him a hard time about this), and
B) Being a single dad. It's HARD, yo. Surprise!

(I will be very honest in saying that one of the reasons I am DBing like a gangsta is that I did not sign up to do this parenting thing alone. It's HARD.

I don't think it was about you at all, actually. I think you did really well! Go pour yourself a nice glass of wine or chocolate milk (whichever floats your boat), put your feet up, and enjoy your peaceful evening. smile


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Oh claire, you have no idea how much better I feel. Ok. Whew! Wine it is.

I get that feeling in my solar plexus that makes it hard to breathe when I feel like I'm being confrontational. I feel like he's saying, "why would I stay with you when you are so difficult and don't think about my feelings?" It was a big complain in our marriage that I didn't consider his feelings... I just don't feel like his feelings are 100% my responsibility 100% of the time.

Man is he in for a rude awakening when/if I get this job and he's going to need to step up to the plate and do even more with D7. Granted, we'll need a nanny.

His first question when I mentioned about the job and perhaps needing assistance like a nanny part time for the karate and whatnot after school... he said, "hopefully you'll be making enough where the nanny would be worth our while". I don't even know what that means.

Anyway... where was I? Oh Wine. That's right. wink


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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ss, I really do not see anything wrong with your exchange. It came across as detached on both sides, as 2 neighbors discussing neighborhood business.

You are doing great. Keep your chin up!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Tx Pilot!

I was just scrolling through your post!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Originally Posted By: Ss06

His first question when I mentioned about the job and perhaps needing assistance like a nanny part time for the karate and whatnot after school... he said, "hopefully you'll be making enough where the nanny would be worth our while". I don't even know what that means.


When they say stuff like this I want to scream, "Wait, did you not realize that a D would IMPACT YOU FINANCIALLY?!?! Like, seriously? You are more of a fool than I thought." And isn't it amazing that WE are the ones who want to make it work!
Grrr.


Me 38 H 40
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T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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I know, Claire. I know. If I don't ignore most of what he says I'd be a raging lunatic full of anger. Oh wait.

So I reached out again thinking he was TRYING to say he'd rather have her over the weekend and not on weekdays:

Me: Hey, is it easier for you to just have her next weekend but come over for dinner or meet us out for dinner one day during the week? This stuff in particular is hard for me, please understand.

H: No, no. I get it. And this week is fine. I wasn't at my best self back there - my parents and my dad in particular effed up my chi. I'm sorry for that.

Me: I wasn't my best self either. A true insight into ho we play off each other's moods. A good thing for me to learn for sure.

I am absolutely flexible about D7's whereabouts until I get a job. I'm here to assist or take over if necessary but notice would be good. You know where to find me for help. I'm non punitive and safety remember? That's a joke. wink

H: No worries. Thank you.

I feel a little better.

I'll bet his dad was giving him chit about our separation. His parents don't know the meaning of "it's none of your business" and they PRY big time. I'm assuming here but I'll bet that's what went down.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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No compliments? You did well, but you could have possibly rerouted much of that situation with some words of affirmation. Sometimes an ego stroke will change the way someone is interacting. Especially since that's his LL.

But really, you did well. Hope the wine was good.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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man, joe, you're right. missed opportunity there.

where could I have fit in a compliment? seriously, I need that kind of help. where could I have done that?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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His interest in spending time w/ D7.

"It really fills my heart to see you taking such an active role in her life. She sure loves her dad."

I challenge you to notice 3 positive things about him each time you see him. And at least one every time you talk on the phone or via text. Only have to give one compliment though.

Last edited by Joe1981; 09/02/14 05:27 AM.

Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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Time for a new thread, probably.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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Touche! I could totally have done that! Sheesh. How do I not see that in the moment?!

Originally Posted By: Joe1981


I challenge you to notice 3 positive things about him each time you see him. And at least one every time you talk on the phone or via text. Only have to give one compliment though.


Challenge accepted! Watch this space...


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Originally Posted By: Ss06

Touche! I could totally have done that! Sheesh. How do I not see that in the moment?!

Originally Posted By: Joe1981


I challenge you to notice 3 positive things about him each time you see him. And at least one every time you talk on the phone or via text. Only have to give one compliment though.


Challenge accepted! Watch this space...



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M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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