He has REALLY owned being a dad lately in the discipline department, handling things on his own and the fun/quality time department and he absolutely deserves major props for that. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as too much in this area, right?
Your suggestion of "I really appreciate you making the effort to..." is a great one!
Ss, my primary LL is Affection, but Words of Affirmation is a close second. Claire7's suggestion of telling him how much you love watching him be a good dad is spot on for me. A couple of months before the BD from my WAW, she was complimenting my singing and playing music to D2 (D1 at the time), how impressed she was, etc. I really don't care what anyone else thinks about that stuff, but it always drove me mad (in a good way) when she told me. In general, anything you can see him making an effort with, I would acknowledge. But I also wouldn't drown him with compliments, though, as it might come off scripted or disingenuous if there is a sudden swell of them.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thank you Card. Your LLs are my H's too. So, please feel free to suggest things I can do or could have done in my posts to be more loving in those areas. I really appreciate your male perspective. I think for so long I just wrote off H's feelings. It's something I am working through (the guilt and why I did it) BUT I know I can hit this out of the park once I get it down.
I'm in the same boat. I hate the fact that I wasted years of opportunity. Honestly, I never even considered EN's or LL (never heard of it until after BD). My parents did not have a good marriage, and my family is littered with the BigD. I never learned how to sustain a marriage. I had this foolish idea that if I was a great dad and played piano well, my W would never leave me. Being a great dad is still important, but the fact that piano playing was near the top of my list to secure my marriage shows how naive I was. But I know I can't dwell on the missed opportunities, because those are already missed. Trying to stay positive, detach and work on myself while my WAW is in the fog. Hopefully she turns and looks at me when she gets to the other side of it. I will be a better man regardless of her decision, though.
As far as other suggestions, just about any affection or words of affirmation sound amazing to me now since I have been starved of them for a few months now In my sitch, I'm trying to figure out how and when to show affection to a WAW. So the things she loved for years, and that I neglected (hugs, massages, long kisses, rubbing fingers through hair) are all off the menu right now. Instead I'm trying to be a great friend to areas that she desperately needs help with, IF she is willing to accept the help. And she has plenty of those right now. She's struggling with maybe the worst depression of her life (after years of it), is behind with school work, is stressed about our house going up for sale, and is probably feeling tons of guilt about our family and D2. The only thing she is allowing me to help with is the house, which I'm living in, so I am attacking it. Coincidentally, one of my biggest Love Busters for her was lack of initiative and follow-through. Part of my 180 has been to be incredibly proactive with the house and D2 stuff, and to follow through on everything possible. WAW has helped a lot the last 2 weeks with the house, but I have done SO much work on it over the last 2 months, and she has taken notice. Rule #29!
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I am so grateful for your post above for so many reasons. It really feels that you wrote it from the heart. (((hugs)))
Let me say that it's a little uncanny that your LL are the same as my H's, your wife's love busters are the same as mine, too and your piano playing is weird because my H works in the music industry and plays the piano.
Are you my H? LOL
Anyway, I want to encourage you to keep doing what you're doing. I find it amazing that you're able to see your W's guilt and pain and depression and be willing to do what you can while still caring for yourself.
Hang in there and thanks for your insights to my sitch. It's truly helpful.
Hi Claire, my LL is words of affirmation. I will tell you that anything anyone says to me as a compliment makes me feel great if I think they mean it.
I would echo Maybell's advice and compliment him on how impressed you are with something he has done with your D7.
But also other small things in passing if you want. It doesn't have to be a big declaration. It could be just a little thing like as you walk past him saying "wow, you look nice today, that color looks good with your eyes" or "look how you tied D7's shoes that's really neat, how did you do that?" or as he is talking validating something about him like "you are always so smart/ clever/ good at that". Does that make sense?
For me it is the big declarations and affirmations of course, but also the little ones. Too many does sound fake and ass kissing but if you throw one in there every once in a while it will make him feel good.
My H is terrible with my LL. Even at the best times in our relationship I would only feel his admiration of me through his eyes and his behavior. (which is great but..) Never through words. I find it funny that we all give love in OUR love language and think that is enough for the other as well.
I wish I could figure out a way to work my H's Quality Time LL into my NC method. haha.
ss, I would stick with the basic male needs. The need to feel like a provider and the need to feel like a good father. Compliment him with WOA in these two areas on a regular basis and it will help him feel warm around you.
Just my opinion...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
My LLs are also words of affirmation and physical touch. I see this as relatively easy to throw his way.
I agree w/ Lisa and pilot. I'll add my 2 cents: Every time you do meet with him for something, say something complimentary. Not over the top and change it up. Little stuff, mediums stuff, big stuff. Be honest though. It'll come off as fake if it is fake. But you should be able to find something good every time.
Think piggy bank. You aren't putting $100 bills in there, but a coin every single day will add up.
Similar for physical touch. Little, light, casual touches. Even some accidental brushes up against him may have power (they do on me). Light hand on shoulder, for a moment, super-short, mini back-rub (5-10 sec), fingers in hair.
If you're feeling bold and if he's muscular, silently and subtly "admire" his biceps through his shirt w/ your fingertips (5-10 seconds max).
Be a little more cautious w/ physical touch, as it could more easily construed as pursuing. It can be powerful though. Think of it as a really spicy pepper, a little bit brings an awesome zing and makes you want more...too much and you're looking for a bucket of ice water.
Early on, go for the, "did she accidentally brush up against me, or was that on purpose?" style of physical contact. If that is successful, you can gradually increase the heat.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
You guys are awesome! All of these are nuggets of gold!
I can work all of these suggestions into our contact.
I feel tentative complimenting him on his "providership" because, let's face it, with D on the table that stuff isn't mine. He however is a GREAT father and has really stepped up to the plate more since BD. I don't want to say that guilt is the reason because it's a horrible thing to accuse someone of being a good parent because they feel guilty but I think he is really trying to build a good relationship with D7 so that whatever happens, she is solid. You know?
I need to work on complimenting him more directly. I'm really good about speaking well of him while he's around like, "H has this way of making D7 giggle like no one else. They both were in hysterics last night before bed, it was just so sweet." but perhaps that's not enough. I can do better.
The physical touch, especially if it looks accidental, I can do. The more direct stuff I feel needs to come later. Like you said, Joe, I need to be careful here. He REALLY felt like I didn't want HIM in our marriage. He has told me that he wants to be wanted himself, not just to move back home so we can be a family. He wants more and I don't blame him. Everyone wants to be wanted and cherished and I'm determined to figure out how to SHOW him these things.
Whew. This is tough stuff. But I'm counting my blessings... forward progress. I'll take the win!!
In my sitch, I'm trying to figure out how and when to show affection to a WAW. So the things she loved for years, and that I neglected (hugs, massages, long kisses, rubbing fingers through hair) are all off the menu right now. Instead I'm trying to be a great friend to areas that she desperately needs help with, IF she is willing to accept the help. And she has plenty of those right now. She's struggling with maybe the worst depression of her life (after years of it), is behind with school work, is stressed about our house going up for sale, and is probably feeling tons of guilt about our family and D2. The only thing she is allowing me to help with is the house, which I'm living in, so I am attacking it. Coincidentally, one of my biggest Love Busters for her was lack of initiative and follow-through. Part of my 180 has been to be incredibly proactive with the house and D2 stuff, and to follow through on everything possible. WAW has helped a lot the last 2 weeks with the house, but I have done SO much work on it over the last 2 months, and she has taken notice. Rule #29!