How do I not be a safe fall back option? Not to win him back but for me! I need to have some control back of my own life. I'm sick of everything being my fault, even decisions he's making. I need specifics...
I'm applying for jobs and have a couple interviews this week. I'm getting out with friends as much as I can. I'm spending GREAT time with my daughter but I've always done that.
The catch here is that he wants to be included on things. For example, friends of ours are having a pool & BBQ get together next weekend. They invited us before knowing we were separated. I said "sure! D7 and I will be there, can't wait!". Turns out H can't make it. Not my fault, he has a work thing scheduled; that's how our life has been for the past two years, I accept invitations to things based on MY schedule because H is often working so if he can make it great but if he can't, no biggie. Our friends want to celebrate D7's birthday that day, just cupcakes and small gifts, nothing major. He thinks I should have consulted him about whether he could go or not. I told him even if we weren't separated, if he couldn't go, D7 and I would be going anyway, his hours are so unpredictable we can't wait around to see if he can make it or not. He thinks I'm unempathetic and uncaring since it's a celebration of D's birthday (that I was not a part of planning and had nothing to do with). I see it as living as if he's a busy guy who works a lot and having fun despite that.
Please tell me... what do you think?
I'm tired of everything being my fault. So tired of it. I want us to get back together because I liked us as a family but I don't like him as a person. I'm tired of being his scapegoat and being so grossly flawed in his eyes.
I think I told you before that early on my H asked me to receive delivery of the furniture for his new apartment. It was like he still wanted all the advantages of a wife without any of the responsibility. I told him very calmly that that was a big request and that since he was the one who wanted to be separated, then we needed to be separate. He would never have respected me or appreciated me if I had done that.
Your H may need to hear a similar message. Calmly but firmly.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
The only way you are NOT a safe fall back option is to NOT be a fall back option. In other words, in your case, you would have to 'drop the rope' as they say. Let him go. What your H wants is all the benefits of your friendship but none of the responsibilities of the M. My W is the same way right now. Your H wants to be included in fun things you do. Does he want to include you in all of his fun things? Or does he have his own life you are not welcome in? Turn the tables on him. Exclude him. Period. From now on, do not tell him what you are doing. The only thing he NEEDS to know about is things relating to your D. You are separated. Which means not only does he get his 'own life' but you get yours too.
It is completely counter intuitive. And it is also risky as if you do drop the rope, you have to be prepared to really just walk away. The way I see it in my situation, I really have nothing to lose by doing just that. You have to look at your own situation and where you are emotionally with this, and decide what is best for you. But as long as he knows you are 'there' he will be under no pressure to even think about trying to rebuild the M.
Last edited by pilot; 08/23/1408:23 PM.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Hi Ss, I get your frustration! And you are right about you not having to include H in your activities and individual decisions. I think many of us are experiencing similar things. I know my H seems to completely expect I will continue to take care of things I took care if when we were together. I find it super strange. And I also struggle with what to say when he asks "did you take care of x?"
Glad to hear Disney went well! Good luck Ss! Hugs, Lisa
I really appreciate you all chiming in and helping me stand up. I'm having trouble facing this day after day. One minute I feel strong and solid and the next minute I'm sobbing and desperate. Does this say something about my character? I feel like I should be more predictable and consistent.
I think I thought I'd dropped the rope last week but let's get real. It's a process, at least for me. I'm afraid to let go for so many reasons but partially because I'm afraid I won't pick it back up again.
Hang in there Ss. It is screwy, and not good at all, but the WAS really won't look back as long as they know you're hanging there waiting.
As horrible as it sounds I think my brief EA woke my W up. After that blew up, things have slowly worked forward. Nothing great right now still, but the bad is being processed instead of me being just cold shouldered.
So, don't go as far as I did, but go on a couple of dates. Maybe with not the same guy, so you don't get too involved, but it'll send the message.
He'll remember the attraction when he sees that other guys are into you.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
So, don't go as far as I did, but go on a couple of dates. Maybe with not the same guy, so you don't get too involved, but it'll send the message.
He'll remember the attraction when he sees that other guys are into you.
I think that was well said.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
thanks Joe. I think actually that might backfire. His personal self worth is SO low and he feels so unattractive and unloveable (I was a contributor to those feelings throughout our marriage) that, while he may feel jealous, it won't spur a territorial thing with him, it'll just solidify his feelings about himself. He's unwilling to fight for me so putting him in a spot where he feels like he might have to win me back would be a bad idea, I think. My situation is very precarious.
We talked tonight. A good talk. I validated lot and really honored his anger and pain. He says he might need to see someone about his anger. He admits to being unusually angry and holding on to a lot of stuff about our marriage. I talked about the kind of marriage I want and that I want it with HIM. I realize this can be construed as pursuing but given that his self esteem and self worth is SO LOW and he feels unattractive, unloveable and unworthy of passion or sexual attraction at all, and I never made him feel any of these things during our marriage, I feel it's a HUGE 180 for me to pursue a little. i want him to know his worth but i want his worth to be known from the inside, not just from me, you know?
Plus, he has basically said "you're hot, you can get anyone, you should just go do that and let me leave." Not exactly the words of someone who wants to become attracted to me by seeing me with guys who might be interested. He's too wounded for that.
He says he thinks he's too broken. That really resonated with me because I have felt that way before. He admits to having to do a lot of work on himself. He was considerably less outwardly angry (no yelling or words of finality) and VERY much less negative. This made it MUCH easier to listen and listen and listen and validate as much as possible. I want him to know I hear him and see him, his pain, his heartache but I also want him to know I see his strength and bravery even though he doesn't see it yet.
Anyone have experience with anger management? Is it beneficial? Does it help with eventually getting to a place of healing? I don't think he'd be open to my suggestion about this kind of thing but I am just curious if anyone has found it helpful. He has SO much anger and he even admits it takes him a LONG time to get over it and forgive. It's in my best interest (and hopefully our future marriage's best interest) to work on this.
Today started off rough. Really rough. but ended well... even with a good hug. Granted it was a "bro hug" but I'll take it!!!
SS...not trying to second guess you. I trust you to know your sitch and H better than I, and I'm NOT a vet.
I do see your point about not wanting to seem so detached that he feels it's hopeless and starts self medicating, etc. One thing that I do want you to be careful of is falling into a trap where you are being manipulated by his low confidence. If he gets it in his head that you'll never leave him, you need him too much, and so on, he might end up trying to control your behavior through his moods.
I'll quit talking about your H and admit that I did just that in my M. I got depressed as a way to pressure my W to do what I wanted, it was a form of being controlling. Really childish as I look back. Like a kid sulking to get what they want. And, now that I'm on my own, I'm not depressed. Funny that. No one is around to care, so I can either be miserable by myself or choose to be more at peace. Amazing how fast I snapped out of my 'depression' when there was no one to care take me.
I hope some vets chime in, or you have a IC or DB Coach you can talk to about that. I see why you're doing what you are and know it is difficult to find the right path when everything is so convoluted. Wishing you strength, wisdom, and a little Disney magic!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, THANK YOU! First I want to commend you for your introspective realization about using depression as a controlling and manipulating mechanism. What an amazing thing to realize. That must have been hard but really enlightening, huh?
Also thank you for putting me on alert. My H isn't naturally manipulative but I guess it is possible to do what you're talking about unknowingly. It is possible he becomes depressed to get what he wants but it's unlikely. Thing is, he is VERY depressed still and I think he has been for a majority of our marriage. I'm not sure if it's because of me entirely though I know I did not help - at all. He was on anti depressants but took himself off before BD because "they didn't help". His belief is that our marriage caused his depression but he may be realizing that even after separating he is still depressed and still very angry.
He believed that getting out of the marriage would be the "healthy action" because he'd be getting away from what was making him feel terribly but I think the reality is that, while our marriage was AWFUL, being in it already depressed made it worse and it's not something you can escape with a separation. I wonder if he's coming to that understanding or not. I think he's thinking about 10,000 other things right now.
