OK, here's a 180 for ya. Make Disneyland your favorite place. Because why the heck not? Tap into your inner 7 year-old, and enjoy the wonders of the happiest place on earth. Don't just fake it, actually get your mind to that place.
Why? Three big reasons, in descending order of importance: 1) it's your daughter's only 7th birthday and she'll have way more of a memorable time if you're right there with her, having a blast. 2) you get to actually experience it as fun, instead of tolerating it for your daughter 3) (least important) your H might see you truly enjoying yourself w/ your D and see some of why he loved you to start with.
180s aren't only about appearing to change. That mindset change needs to actually happen sometimes.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Temp jobs are a good way to go! My mom worked at a job through her temp agency and they ended up liking her so much they hired her permanently. Sending you good vibes for your interview tomorrow!
Me: 35, H: 37, no kids Together since 2002, Married since 2007 IDKIILY: 2/2013 MC: 5/2013-6/2014 H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014 I moved out 7/6/14 H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
Hi Ss, just checking in and saying hello. It sounds like you are doing great and I also love the name of your thread! Let's all become big beautiful butterflies!
I also loved your peaks and valleys concept. I'm in a pretty crappy desert valley at the moment. But I hope a good peak is coming.
We don't have anything yet. In California- custody can be 50/50. I agree with you that seems just awful for the child. I believe the rationale is that the kids have a "right" to see both parents equally. However, no one I actually know has a 50/50 agreement. (I confess I'm happy that my H's job would preclude any such arrangement). Most sensible people see the value in their kids having a single, stable primary home.
Not sure what to advise on this one. Maybe suggesting a more gradual easing into spending more time with him.
My brother just negotiated a custody agreement that is close to 50/50 but has the parents alternating weekends (Fri-Sun), and the parents alternating the remaining days. My nephew is 3, though, and my brother is hoping they'll adjust that when he's older.
For school-aged kids, My daughter's friends whose parents have a 50/50 arrangement usually alternate full weeks, which makes it easier for everyone to plan and reduces the need for adjustments due to work conflicts, etc.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
SS that sounds awful. I don't see how switching nightly can be good for any of you. We haven't come to that part yet, but I'm not going to be in favor of 50/50 anyway. Yes, he's a good dad, but that doesn't mean he's ever participated 50% in the daily stuff, drop-offs, pickups, dinners, laundry, homework, projects, playdates. Sometimes I think I want it to be 50/50 just so he can see what it's like and because we've agreed that they won't be exposed to OW so that will interfere there. But then I think that I'd rather have them with me waaaay more than half the time. I don't yet know what H thinks.
You know, now that I've been thinking about this a little more....I can't remember , but have you seen a lawyer? I saw one briefly the day after BD and one thing he expressly warned me about was if my H started seeking close to 50/50 time. He said this would affect child support payments in the future and would be a sign that H was probably getting legal advice. Don't want to add to your worries, and of course lawyers are looking out for the worst case scenario, but thought you might want to know.
I appreciate you all weighing in. "parental time" sounds more appropriate.
It's silly to have 50/50 because, while he's trying really hard now, can't really handle more than 10% when he's on a project so how's that going to work?
raliced, i have not seen a lawyer. Maybe I should. Should I flat out ask H if he has? I think he'd lie about it though so I wouldn't know his game plan. He's spending so much money these days I am terrified to look at accounts. It's like chit through a goose.
If I propose anything less than 50/50 though he'll say I'm trying to keep him from her which honestly isn't true. I just want her to have as much consistency as possible, sleep in her own bed, have help with homework, be able to practice piano. You know? Is it a bad idea to suggest "parental time" at 70/30? Truth is, with me potentially starting a new job, I'm not sure how I'm going to manage pick up and drop off anyway. I guess I need to be flexible until I figure that out, huh?
I've been doing some research online (not always the best place to research but it's all I have at the moment) and I'm 95% H is a sex addict. I'm scared he's cheating on me with prostitutes and/or people from fetish sites. There's no shame in fetish and I don't want to imply that there is, my issue here is that we're still married.
When I snooped early on I found VAST amounts of porn, discovered various anonymous email accounts, craigslist searches for "singles" (hookers) and emails to a few asking to meet up or for their rates. He said he'd never met up with any of them but it's not for lack of trying and at some point he will.
This really hits me to the core because the problem seems so insurmountable, mostly because he'll deny it with a vengeance. I won't approach him about it because I just have no idea how and I'm no expert but man, now what?
I'm starting to wonder if this marriage is just too broken for R.
