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wah wah... Screw up big time...

He texts me this morning saying he'll be over around noon.

Here's our conversation:

H: Ok, is there anything else I can bring?
Me: (like an idiot) Your heart and your suitcase?
H: (after a loooong pause) The gesture means a lot, but at the moment both are still empty. I wish I could say otherwise.
Me: I didn't mean to put pressure on your. I was mostly joking but it wasn't cool. Sorry.
H: I didn't feel pressure at all, no worries. I took it as a little 'check in', which isn't bad - I don't think.

Head desk.

I was flying high on gratitude with the direction of my life and feeling good and said something I shouldn't have. Luckily he took it well but man, I wish I hadn't said it.

Time. Time. Time. Can I hang on?

It's hard feeling like I have to earn him back as if I'm not good enough for him but then on the other hand I feel like he has LOTS of growing to do himself and so do I so the space is good and necessary. Why am I always of two minds?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Ss, we all have those moments. For what it's worth, I think your H's response was honest and positive, to the extent that he can be positive while being honest. (Does that make any sense? It does in my head.) It sounds like he wants things to be different, but just doesn't have the tools to be there yet. My H is the same way.

Don't let it get you too far down. Just don't do it every day. smile


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
D7
BD, S: Jul 3rd, 2014
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Thanks Elsa. I appreciate your support. I don't feel flattened by it because often I am desperate for some kind of litmus test on where his head is but it hurts when it's not what you want to hear. Truth is, and this is what frustrates me with my being of two minds all the time, if he said he'd come back tomorrow I'd say, "Wait! No! Not yet! We have more work to do separately!" So why do I do this to myself?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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I know what you mean. I have this fantasy of him begging to come back and me saying, "It's too soon," and then we can both have what we want -- to feel wanted (me) and space (him).

I know I'm detached when the negative response doesn't even bother me. I just let those statements roll off my back now. You will get there too -- stay strong!


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
D7
BD, S: Jul 3rd, 2014
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What you said was cute and charming. And he took it nicely so that's good. Separation is lousy.

And we do it to ourselves because it's a kind of limbo even if we're moving forward with good stuff with it. There are too many open questions we want answered.

I think I'm hijacking so I'll stop there.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Hi Ss, awww I found that really cute too. And yes, he replied really well I thought! I think my WAH would have said "What do you mean by that? We are done! I'm not ever coming back! Why would you say that???" So I think you got a nice reply!

You are awesome! Good for you being so brave and strong and loving! But yeah, don't do it again for a while. smile

Have a good day!
Hugs, LisaB


Me: 34 H: 30
M: 4 years
BD: 6/15/14
He moved out 6/30/14
OW1: EA then PA after BD
Now he's dating multiple OWs
I'm over it and moving on.
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Elsa,

I was surprised by his response NOT stinging like it would have a month ago. I took that as a measure of my detachment, too. It was a good insight for me but it didn't destroy me and set me back emotionally. Growth. It does a heart good. wink

Maybell,

Never worry about hijacking. Insight is insight and if it relates back to a vent you need to get out, so be it! I welcome it all! After what you've faced today, you need a kick boxing class to get the smell of bacon out of your soul.

Lisa,

I would NEVER have said what I did if I didn't see some glimmers of hope. Clearly these glimmers are tiny based on his response but they are there. I just hope the glimmer doesn't die down before too long.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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See, that stupid text this morning really messed me up and now I'm fighting my way back to where I was. Why do I do stuff like that?!

H was gone all day with D7, just came back and said he wanted a more consistent schedule of visitation. Great, I would too except that figuring that out right now while I potentially could hear news of a new job this coming week would be futile so I suggested he take her T/W/Th and I'd take her Friday through the weekend. He grumbled. I asked him what he'd prefer. Here's how it went down:

H: Well it's just hard to manage her on days I work.
Me: I understand. It is hard.
H: And I WORK so it's just generally hard for me. I don't get to go to yoga on a tuesday morning. (this was a dig at me for being a SAHM which HE WANTED BTW)
Me: So when would you prefer to have D7? If you have her during the week then I'd have her for the weekend. It's early enough to make plans for the weekend if you wanted.
H: Sorry, I must not be articulating myself well.
Me: ok
H: It's just hard.
Me: Yes it is. It is very hard.
H: And she has so many things going on after school so I can't make phone calls and stuff.
Me: Yes, this is true but you can make phone calls while she is AT school.
H: But that's when I'm looking for work (he's an independent contractor so he has to search out for work although he has an agent, i'm not sure why he's looking for work and not his agent).
Me: When would you like to have D7 then?
H: :sigh: Tues/Wed/Thurs is fine.
Me: If it's not ok, just say so but what do you propose then?
H: Nothing. It's fine.
Me: Ok then.
H: I should go.
Me: Ok. You seem upset or agitated.
H: I just spent the day with my parents, I'm always agitated spending time with them.
Me: (relieved it isn't me though I'm sure I'm part of it) Yeah, they can be draining sometimes. I'm sorry. I hope you had somewhat of a fun and relaxing day off though.
H: Yeah.
Me: Good.
H: Ok, well I was going to set up the Wii for D7 and all that but I feel bad. I guess it's technically "your day" and I took her for the whole day.
Me: :shrug:
H: No comment on that? Ok. Well.
Me: She has a bit of a cold and I want her to get good rest for hitting school tomorrow, you know?
H: Yeah. Ok.

I proceed upstairs to put away the sheets and towels.

I need to chill out. It's just a freaking visitation schedule. Am I being difficult? I am aren't I?

What could i have done?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Posts: 1,428
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Personally, I don't think you are being difficult. You didn't take the bait about the SAHM stuff (ew). He is projecting his frustration with
A) his parents (maybe they are even giving him a hard time about this), and
B) Being a single dad. It's HARD, yo. Surprise!

(I will be very honest in saying that one of the reasons I am DBing like a gangsta is that I did not sign up to do this parenting thing alone. It's HARD.

I don't think it was about you at all, actually. I think you did really well! Go pour yourself a nice glass of wine or chocolate milk (whichever floats your boat), put your feet up, and enjoy your peaceful evening. smile


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Oh claire, you have no idea how much better I feel. Ok. Whew! Wine it is.

I get that feeling in my solar plexus that makes it hard to breathe when I feel like I'm being confrontational. I feel like he's saying, "why would I stay with you when you are so difficult and don't think about my feelings?" It was a big complain in our marriage that I didn't consider his feelings... I just don't feel like his feelings are 100% my responsibility 100% of the time.

Man is he in for a rude awakening when/if I get this job and he's going to need to step up to the plate and do even more with D7. Granted, we'll need a nanny.

His first question when I mentioned about the job and perhaps needing assistance like a nanny part time for the karate and whatnot after school... he said, "hopefully you'll be making enough where the nanny would be worth our while". I don't even know what that means.

Anyway... where was I? Oh Wine. That's right. wink


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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