I took a huge step last night and told three of my close friends last night in one fell swoop. All of their husbands are friends with H so I was really nervous because I was worried about people taking sides or feeling obligated to do so... anyway, they were great. Just listened, hugged me, empathized, encouraged, made very minor suggestions, asked a few questions... I really felt heard and understood. It's a great feeling.
Telling them helped me turn a corner. I think some of my fear with all of this is the shame I feel of the "failed marriage" and their no-judgement listening really told me that I have nothing to fear but myself.
They asked what they can do to help me and I wanted to weep from gratefulness. I am known for rarely asking for help, being rather capable and strong but I NEED their help. I asked them to help me GAL, distract me with fun things for us and for our kids. They wholeheartedly said, "no problem!".
I am so fortunate to have friends right now. I have no family. I mean none. So I'm leaning on friends and I'm finding they are better friends than I've ever given them credit for. This is a big realization because I tend to underestimate people - Something I did to H, too.
I am faking it until I become it!! Thanks 25! And Shining, Meghan, LisaB, Claire, Elsa, Jacket, BigMac, Pilot, GGG, and SO many others' PMA has become infectious and really is changing my perspective. I am SO overwhelmingly grateful for that!!
My heart still hurts and I still have a lingering pain deep down in my gut but I'm not afraid of the next minute all the time anymore. I'm pulling myself up by my bootstraps with all of your help. It's slow, man is it slow, but I need it to be slow right now. My D's hurt and the hurt that causes in my heart will never heal but the part of my heart that is broken from all of this aside from that part? I will put it back together, no matter what comes in the future.
I feel like I'm slowly (again, this is key) detaching. I haven't done much "work" on me this week. No introspective exploration with profound results. I'm just reading a few books and journaling ideas on how I can be better about filling his love well with through his love languages in the tiny amount of time we spend together. This makes me antsy because I want to QUICKLY see changes in myself that are meaningful and important because progress, BIG progress, always makes me feel better but I'm trying not to DO so much. I'm trying to let some of my feelings permeate because it has really been a long time since I allowed myself to feel anything let alone pain and hurt.
A tiny part of me today thought "maybe I COULD let go and move on at some point". Wha? I'm surprised by that thought in my head.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
I too have found that telling people about our separation and likely D is somewhat liberating. And it helps me process some of the grief instead of just wallowing in it at home. It's allowed me to develop much deeper connections with some of my friends and helped me realize which of my friends can simply not handle the discussion of deep and personal things. I used to take this really personally when people could not handle it, but have learned that it says much more about them than it does about me and our friendship. My friends and family have been so wonderful at helping me GAL and keeping my self-esteem intact. I don't allow them to bad-mouth my H, but I do allow them to remind me that I'm great and fabulous. They can do that without needing to bad-mouth him.
As my wonderful friend told me: "Just remember that as in all else there are peaks and valleys. It's not that you don't have valleys ahead, but that when you're in them, you have faith that the peak is coming." So don't beat yourself up if you find yourself in a valley again. Know that another peak will be coming again soon.
Big hugs to you!
Jacket
Me: 35, H: 37, no kids Together since 2002, Married since 2007 IDKIILY: 2/2013 MC: 5/2013-6/2014 H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014 I moved out 7/6/14 H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
Jacket, I love the peaks and valleys reference. What a great way to look at things.
Speaking of valleys, I just received word that I was not considered for a position that I applied for and really wanted. It's a major blow and set back. It was local and close to D's school, hours were great and the benefits (which is what i really need) were ideal even though the pay rate wasn't. It was part of my GAL plan. I really meditated and asked the universe for this job so it's hard not to see that I'm meant for something else, but what? Ugh. It hurts. Maybe I need to look into a temp agency.
My fridge is leaking and ruining the wood floors underneath. H said he'd take care of it two months ago, then a month ago, then 2 weeks ago, then last week so I called a repair man myself. Eff that. I'm sick of waiting, why do I do that?
Busy day today...gotta get out of this valley and on to my peak.
I hope everyone is doing well today. It seems from my reading that many are in a bit of a slump. I'm sending big positive DB vibes to all of you tonight.
Things with H are awkward. He came over early just to see D which was fine. I had an appointment and asked if he wanted to hang with D while I went. He liked the idea and off I went. 25 minutes later (fastest PAP ever!) I was back and D was sitting on the stairs with the iPad and ear phones (we're strict about screen time, though I guess now I should say *I* am strict about it) while he was upstairs (what reason does he have to be upstairs?!) on the phone. He seemed shocked and like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I feel like he was snooping but there's nothing for him to find so whatever. It was just weird and made me uncomfortable.
I got the fridge fixed and I am happy it was only $100. I was expecting MUCH more than that. H was surprised that I did that without him. I'm tired of waiting for him to do things he says he's going to do.
I was short with him today and I'm upset at myself for that. I just couldn't put on a smile and act un-angry today. I just didn't have it in me.
I'm hating H just a little bit today. It just seems so convenient that he gets to escape from having to WORK on something and have someone else work on it for you (me). I feel abandoned and that's making me angry.
In good news, in the wake of not getting an interview for that job I really wanted, I applied for a temp agency and I have an interview tomorrow. I don't have extremely high hopes but I hope to at least meet some people and feel like I have control over my life. I need to feel empowered in this department and the job search is so draining.
You know, Ss, I hadn't considered a temp job for myself but that's not a bad idea. A mom at my kids elementary school did it and spoke positively of the experience.
Good luck!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Ss - I felt the same way that you did about telling people what was going on, and held off for a long time. It was such a relief when I finally did, and I got so much help and support. I keep saying to people that even if I get nothing else out of this, reconnecting with my friends and being reminded of how awesome they are has been a huge blessing. I have wonderful people in my life.
Based on what you've said, it sounds to me like you've got your H. wondering about you. He might be snooping, he's surprised that you've gone ahead and had the fridge fixed - sounds like he doesn't know what to make of you right now.
I'm sorry that you felt angry with your H., but I also think you have every right to. It's unpleasant to not only feel abandoned, but like you're the only one who's putting in the work. All things considered, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over being short with him - you have standards and expectations, and it's hard when they're not being met, even in pretty basic ways.
Good luck with the interview at the temp agency!
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Ss and Maybell, what kind of work are you looking for? If it's office type work, school and school districts are often hiring. Usually the hours work pretty well for a parent and you could even be lucky enough to get in at your kid's school. They also often even need subs for the office staff if you can't get full time.
I suggest this because I see that many districts don't advertise public ally very much.
Best of luck on job hunting and keep on keeping on with busting divorces.
PS: Ss, I know it's excruciating, but try to save the anger towards H for when he's not around. We only want to show our WAS our very best selves. Easier said than done, I know.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it. I need it tonight.
Hi Joe!
I am looking for Admin work (specifically professional level administrative analyst work) in the public sector but those jobs are hard to find and super hard to get an interview for. Frankly I'm overqualified and that is not helping me but it's the work I love and environment I thrive in. I have told the temp agency that schools and school districts are a preferred location simply because of the hours. Thanks for your suggestion!
You're right about saving my anger for when he's not around. I'm confused about my best self right now and I think some of my anger is wrapped around that.
I get to spend two full days with H at Disneyland (not my favorite place - hot, crowded, blazing sun... but D LOVES it and it's her birthday so...) so I will get plenty of practice on "acting as if", 180s and being chipper soon enough. Yay.
They can do that without needing to bad-mouth him.