Settlement will be signed soon. Need advice.

[CaliGuy]

NewB3 Have you read the DB/DL books?

I have been in limbo for a bit, some good days .. some bad ... I know I have not detached enough as she still has a huge impact on my moods and feelings .. last two days were tough, today I seem to be doing well ... and nothing has changed ... so I can not explain it other than we all here are on a rollercoaster we didnt ask to be on

So ... reading your sitch ... looks like you have focused on PMA .. thats good. But I have not seen any 180's ... you will have to go dark .... and its tough with the kids involved ... my WAW will use that as a way to bring me out of the shadows, a curve that DB does not really adress, like so many things we all have to figure out what works and get rid of what doesnt.

Hang in there, I would suggest get some 180's set some goals for you ... GAL, detach detach detach seems to be the battel cry and I now understand why its said 3 times!

[NewB3]

I have DB and DR. I re-read them tons. DB page 185 is a good start. 180's I have been doing. Mentioned them in my other thread.

[NewB3]

Would like to take a poll here.
Should things stay headed in the current direction and I move out according to the settlement, should I give WAW my DR book?

[NewB3]

Can anyone recommend this book?
Gary Smalley "winning your wife back before its to late"

My WAW signed the settlement last week, I go Monday to sign. Help me please. Advice?

[NewB3]

So here are a few of the latest weird things from WAW:
-never let her nails grow out. I have mentioned that they always look nice when longer.....that was months ago. Now she is letting them get long.
-has been careful about nudity in front of me in the past few months. Now has no issue changing or showering in front of me. She frequently comes in when I am getting out of the shower to talk or ask a question.
-assumed b/c I said i was taking sons out that she was not invited. I did not invite, but told her to speak up if she wants to come along.
-noticed I cleaned up the family room/kitchen/fixed a few things she has asked about this week. Says thank you a lot.


She did sign last week...and you know I go tomorrow. Is this her just being friendly now that she is getting what she wants? I feel like I have almost completely dropped the rope here.

[NewB3]

Very nervous about tomorrow not showing her anything but happiness. Joked around with her a little bit Saturday she smiled a lot. I need some words of encouragement. I'll also take any advice.

[NewB3]

Very nervous about tomorrow not showing her anything but happiness. Joked around with her a little bit Saturday she smiled a lot. I need some words of encouragement. I'll also take any advice.

[NewB3]

Bought the Gary smalley book. Half way through it. Signed settlement Monday and went to meet new realtor after.
Wife called as soon as I met realtor. Told her I was going to look at houses and would be back later. She said "oh, you have a realtor?" I said yes, so I'll talk to you later....."well, what is the realtors name?" I replied and ended conversation.
Got home later that evening and cooked dinner. Sat down as a family. She said she would help me with any financial information or picking out things, just need to ask. Hmmm, weird?
Tuesday am."There was a big stressor with the paperwork and something I failed to do.....I told WAW that the settlement did not state that. We began to argue on the phone while I was driving to work. She kept saying "I can see how it appears that way, I can understand you're upset...." She promised it was an oversize and that we did not know how to go about this....her attorney overlooked it and would fix. I was pissed and she knew it. We ended conversation. Later that morning I called and got her voicemail. Asked her to call if/when she had time as I know she is very busy.(was giving her an out) she called within the hour.
I apologized for being harsh. I asked her to forgive me for everything as I am just stressed, emotional, and devastated. I am trying to keep everything moving. I told her I appreciate her. Told her I just needed a friend and if she does want this to end up as friends, then we must work on that starting now. Mentioned our C and upcoming appointment.
I purchase a chocolate bar at the grocery the other night. She had a business trip today and left early AM. I had the bar in the kitchen and wrote on it to have a safe trip and be careful. I heard her about this AM from our bed and woke. I called her name tom see if she was gone. She appeared from the bathroom half nude. I laid back down, ignoring what I saw. She then said thank you for the chocolate, I am not going to take it, as I have a snack packed.....I'll just put it away for my return home. Wow....anything in the last few months would have been a simple thanks. Not sure why I get explanations, nudity, and all. As she left, she touched my leg and called my name.....just to say goodbye.
She wore her weeding ring to her therapist Monday, but not worn it since. I still have mine on.
Any advice? This is all new and weird. Being cautious and staying on 180's, still being the handyman as requested ( joking about not charging her for my time) making a few jokes here and there, getting laughs or witted replies and smiles.

[topgunmb]

Well, since the forum maintenance wiped out my last reply to you, I'm glad to see you made it through the settlement signing without too many bruises. As for what's happening now, that's a tough one. Perhaps she's noticing the changes you've made. Perhaps the full weight of her decision is starting to become real to her and a part of her is having second thoughts. Perhaps it's a sense of relief now that it's where it's at and she doesn't feel the pressure she was feeling before. Who's to say, but I think that that would just be mind reading to try to guess her motivations. Take what happens at face value, appreciate what you do get from her, and continue being the best you that you can be. If there is any doubt in her mind, let your best foot forward be the light that attracts her to you. Tough road ahead for sure, but we're here for you!

[NewB3]

Well, since the forum maintenance wiped out my last reply to you, I'm glad to see you made it through the settlement signing without too many bruises. As for what's happening now, that's a tough one. Perhaps she's noticing the changes you've made. Perhaps the full weight of her decision is starting to become real to her and a part of her is having second thoughts. Perhaps it's a sense of relief now that it's where it's at and she doesn't feel the pressure she was feeling before. Who's to say, but I think that that would just be mind reading to try to guess her motivations. Take what happens at face value, appreciate what you do get from her, and continue being the best you that you can be. If there is any doubt in her mind, let your best foot forward be the light that attracts her to you. Tough road ahead for sure, but we're here for you!

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I guess that is all I can do at this point....keep working on me. She can have her second thoughts. I am moving forward and it is her choice if she wants me in her life. She knows my choice has not changed, but I never mention it anymore. I am honest with my feelings and did tell her the other day of my anguish, but never asked her about R or said anything about us. It is great to finally be back on the board and getting some advice from those hat have walked this path.