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#2480512 08/18/14 10:58 PM
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Ok, so last thread was locked. Here it is

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2480274&page=1


W is in town, day 2. Nothing much going on. She spent most of the day running errands, looking at places for work, etc. We both picked up the kids, and stopped off to feed them at S5's favorite place. She seemed to not want to eat with the kids and wanted us to go have drinks/appetizers afterwards. So that is what we are doing. She did say she wanted an early night as she was tired. Things are pleasant and fun between us, but almost bland IMHO.

I doubt anything interesting will happen tonight, but if it does, I will post it.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Pilot, good luck tonight. Never know what could happen. The grass isn't always greener on other side. Good luck to her finding a job. My w has been getting up and leaving at 6am getting home around 430 5. She is exhausted. I am being super dad like it's no big deal. With you and little ones in picture hopefully she will come to her senses.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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I am home already. We went out and had bushwhackers (a great frozen drink...think chocolate milkshake with rum) her treat. Then we had fireball shots. Some small talk. She was asking me when and if I was going to be getting an apartment near her. I told her probably soon. She was talking about benefits of us living close...for the kids. She told me about a few jobs she applied for. None she was excited about, but they were steady jobs she said.

Anyways, we walked around the marina for a while chatting, then parted ways with a simple hug.

Still think I am beating a dead horse on this, and still pretty indifferent to it if that is what is going on.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Pilot at least your still talking. I don't know what these woman think it's going to be like D. No more taking orders from them, no more money bag, no more of alot of things. They say 80% of marriage s that D during Affair are regretted by waw yrs later. It's craziness watching this happen to person you have shared and lived with for 19yrs. My anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I am going to get a card with picture of kids in it. Write I will always Remember this day for what it brought us. Anyway thanks for keeping up with my sitch.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Even though things are going relatively well with W, I am really really questioning if it is worth the effort. I try to look at it as if she is someone I just met, how and would I handle it. The answer I keep coming up with is I would not be putting in this much effort. I know I have time on my side, especially if she is not pushing forward with the D and not serving me. Even going as far as saying let the petition expire and 'probably' file in our new state 3 months from now.

But I have to say I am tempted to reply on my own before the Sept. 19 deadline. And I say this not because I WANT to get divorced, I just want to move on with my life. I guess I am just tired of following the rules of marriage alone while not having any of the benefits of marriage. If she is on a journey to see if she can find happiness elsewhere, why not take this time and do the same. Problem is the state she filed in is a no fault state. So any extra marital activities are irrelevant in a divorce proceeding. However, in the state we are in now (Bible Belt) affairs play a role in how a divorce plays out. I am afraid if I do decide to date, without the protection of a pending divorce, this might be used against me should I allow the petition to expire and a new one filed in this state 3 months from now. Granted, she had an A which could be used against her in this state (not sure if she really understands that). I guess I have to speak to a L in this state to see how and what I should do.

At any rate, I am just rambling and feeling frustrated...

Last edited by pilot; 08/19/14 07:04 PM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 51
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I say stay dark, object to the divorce and improve yourself.

My case has wrinkles because we fuses any contact at all

I don't know what to do. I am dating someone for the companionship and to keep my strength for this stressful divorce. She has had a two year affair and seeing at least two guys now.

Don't know what to do. 11 years together and she has snapped and gone crazy and distant the last two years

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Thanks helpjim. Sorry to hear about the rough time you are going through. Keep your chin up!!

Hard to stay dark though as we have a 3 and 5 year old. Plus she is moving back to my town and we will likely be living just yards from each other.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 51
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Do you want her back out of duty or love? I feel more duty to prove we can workout with the hope of recovering our early love

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Originally Posted By: helpjim
Do you want her back out of duty or love? I feel more duty to prove we can workout with the hope of recovering our early love


It would be out of love. But right now I just do not feel the love for her I used to. Instead of sparks, I feel annoyance. Instead of desire I feel indifference. I know she is going through her own emotions and certainly is not ready for R, but I am not certain I want to R anymore either. I just do not see her as someone I want to be with. She has undergone a lot of changes these past few months. I guess I am just sticking around to see if they are temporary or permanent. But even her mannerisms have changed.

So who knows. I still have time, so I am not rushing into anything.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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Hi Pilot, those are really important questions.

Sometimes it seems like we see winning the WAS back as a challenge without stopping to think whether we even want that person back. It's good that you are thinking about what you want and whether it is worth the continued effort. I know I sometimes have these same questions. The way he is acting now, nope I do not want him back. But I believe I do miss the H that I used to know.

Dating a bit might help you decide what you want and give you some perspective. But then you have the legal concerns that you mentioned. A difficult decision indeed.

Hugs, Lisa

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Quote:
The way he is acting now, nope I do not want him back. But I believe I do miss the H that I used to know.


what you said there is the key to it all.

Dating, while it does help decide what I want and give perspective, also greatly complicates things. My W tends to be less aggressive when it comes to relationship things. By that I mean I always have to be the one to initiate (even during our great times). She has used other words to describe it which I cannot remember, but the basic premise is she feels intimidated/unsure/insecure. While I will not mind read, if I was in Vegas and had to place a bet, I would say it is a fair assumption she is still unsure about our R. She was unhappy and did not know who/what else to blame so it was me. And while I was not perfect, she is probably realizing I was not as bad as she once convinced herself of. Dating someone else openly would likely seal the D in her eyes. That does not mean I have not planted the seed of curiosity of what am I doing in regards to other women.

Right now, on this visit, she is noticeably less affectionate as she has been during recent months. That could be due to a million things. I am sure the recent disagreement on the schools and money played a significant part. But we are still very pleasant together. We smile and laugh. We do things with the kids together. There are no awkward moments of silence were we sit uncomfortably. But there is no physical affection being initiated from her as there was a few weeks ago when she would corner me and hug and not want to let go and just squeeze. I was surprised she asked me if I was going to get an apt near her soon. I also get it that she is going to be in her new place on her own (really for the first time in her life) and she will probably want to experience things for herself. This by default puts off any possibility for R for the next few months.

Again, just rambling. At the end of the day I do not have to do anything for another month. Just venting some frustration from limboland.

Thanks for keeping up with my soap opera smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 207
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Hey pilot how ya doing buddy...hope you are well...gonna go read back through your thread and catch up.


Me: 42
W: 39
D: 2 age 6 and 9
D-Day: Dec 29 13
Seperated: 3/20/14
Mediation retainer : 5/20/14
She filed: 06/25/14
Joined: Jun 2014
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Pilot you are so right about similarities with sitch. My w was same way with relationship. I am convinced it is from low self esteem do to her R with father growing up. In fact when girls have this issue it's not if it will effect there relationships in a negative way but when. You sounds like things are fixable in your sitch. You get along well nothing jumps out like it's a done deal with m. Limbo isn't the best place to be but it has a purpose.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Pilot, igit,

My W also has low self-esteem issues; her dad abandoned her family when she was very little. Seems like that causing problems later in a marriage are a certainty. I cannot remember who posited the idea, but if you google chaos kid, there is a really good explanation of what is going on in their (w's) mind and why. Almost like a MLC but it happens in late 20s and early 30s.

My W is supermodel beautiful but she always was worried about me leaving and being abandoned, and had/has an irrational jealousy regarding all other women ever since I have known her. Maybe your W has the same issues? I recall your wife was very young too; too early for a MLC.

Not sure what good it does to know what issues in childhood caused the problem because all I care about at this point is how to fix it.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Casey, igit,

Funny you bring up the dad issue. That was actually a focal point in the few MC sessions we went to. It turns out, or at least the C pried it out of her, that she is afraid of her dad. Not physically, but I guess paternally would be a good way to describe it. She is very close with her mother, but her dad is the one she 'fears' if that makes sense. I will google chaos kid and see what I can learn from that.

My W has had jealousy issues regarding women from my past. It is not that I ever gave her a reason to be jealous. She knew other women were wanting to be where she was. But if one ever came up in a conversation or we ran into one, she would always be quick to talk poorly about that person afterwards. I always felt she was trying to reassure me she was a better choice by pointing out flaws in the other girls. I would always agree with her so I did not give her any reason to worry or think something was up.

And igit, you may be right. There may not be any one single kill shot in our marital drama. And it may very well be fixable. My W has never been able to narrow it down during our talks as to what was wrong. It always centered around 'its just a feeling' she has of unhappiness. Then she would go and say she thought it was because we lived in a certain town, and if we moved things would be better. Always something, and if that changed, things would be better. Eventually she said she allowed herself to think it might be me. A week later, BD. I am just not sure I have the gas left in me to reignite the flame. While DB is definitely an effective tool for rebuilding your own life, it can also at the same time really wear down on your own self esteem. On one hand you have a woman who wants nothing to do with you and will make it known to you, and on the other, you have other women who are actively trying to have a shot at you, and doing and saying all the things which make you feel good about yourself and you look for in a partner. So why keep at it with the one who makes you feel like you are failing? Isn't life too short?

I really think she wants the freedom to explore whatever it is she is searching for, but wants the security of me at the same time. She wants the emotional security and friendship when she needs it, as well as a financial safety net. I have a feeling she is going to fall flat financially in the next few months. She is moving into a new apt and taking on new expenses, while having no job and maybe enough money saved to get her by the first few weeks, maybe a month. Her parents have told her they will not be helping her, although I think they will to some degree. Which means when the piggy bank comes dry, she will look to me...again. And I am not sure I want to be there for her. Not that I want her to fail, I just want her to understand what real life is like. She has never had to be on her own. She went straight from college to living with her aunt in my town, to having a roommate for a couple months, then to moving in with me. Our lifestyle was pretty exciting to say the least. Our cost of living was more in a month than she will make this year with the jobs she is looking for. I think it will be a good thing to have the value of money put back into perspective for her.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Aug 2014
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Quote:
I really think she wants the freedom to explore whatever it is she is searching for, but wants the security of me at the same time. She wants the emotional security and friendship when she needs it, as well as a financial safety net.


This describes my W perfectly. When all this started, the talk was about needing space and needing to be free to experience life and "make her own mistakes". My W also pretty much went straight from living at home with her mother, grandmother, and nephews to being a W living on a military installation on the other side of the world. Except for a very short period of time when she lived in a dormitory at the university in the capitol she had never been on her own.

It is so strange how so many of these stories are so similar; like one could just copy and past from other threads and just change job and location details to have it describe our situations perfectly.

As to falling on their face financially, I think that experience has to be the teacher here. I think my W is smart enough and sane enough to know that moving out would drastically lower her standard of living to the point that she would feel real suffering, yet she still talks about doing so because her need to get away from me is so strong.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Quote:
On one hand you have a woman who wants nothing to do with you and will make it known to you, and on the other, you have other women who are actively trying to have a shot at you, and doing and saying all the things which make you feel good about yourself and you look for in a partner. So why keep at it with the one who makes you feel like you are failing? Isn't life too short?


Blah I hear you pilot. I have been noticably under the radar here for the last two weeks after finding about wife's OM. its like WTF I have been dbing my a$$ off and now this. And a woman that is fine and interested in me....I am just mad and don't know if she is worth it...she doesnt give a dam about me.

Well maybe dating as suggested before will clear my/our heads (not each other dude! the ladies lol)
but its a question of seeing if there is juice in the tank to go forward with M or get that healing so you can go forward knowing its the best thing.
Gotta keep the DB principles but ....sometimes life answers us differently. Still in your corner bro


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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Originally Posted By: rayzzz

Well maybe dating as suggested before will clear my/our heads (not each other dude! the ladies lol)


Haha, oh come on now rayzzz. Throw on a blonde wig for me and pretend to be just over 5 ft tall. smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Originally Posted By: Casey
[quote]

It is so strange how so many of these stories are so similar; like one could just copy and past from other threads and just change job and location details to have it describe our situations perfectly.


You are absolutely right Casey. And this is where the real value of this forum comes into play. It is reading the stories of people who are 2 steps ahead of you. See what they did right and what they did wrong. And how things turned out for them. Not a perfect science, but definitely has value.

I called my FIL today and spoke with him briefly. I asked him if he would be angry if I went ahead and divorced his daughter like she asked for. I told him I was just tired. He understood and said he would not be angry and said it is between my W and I. He would be sad, but he would understand and knows that I tried.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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Aw pilot, sorry to hear you are feeling hopeless and/or defeated. Give it a little time, no need to make a decision today.

For what it's worth I'm blonde and around 5ft. LOL. :P

It is creepy how all these stories are so similar. But I bet every WAS thinks their feelings are totally unique.

Hang in there!
Hugs, Lisa

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Pilot, sorry to hear that you are having a down day. We all have them, when we see the woman we love (mine is also a complete chaos kid) go crazy, date other men, blame all the problems in her world on us loyal LBH's.

keep faith dude, marriage is a good thing when it's all said and done.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
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I'm sorry, Pilot.

It's funny how the stories are so similar but I've also noticed that many situations turn at the same time. I'm noticing a lot of situations taking a down turn right now whereas about three weeks ago there was a big upshift across the board. Interesting to me.

I am 5'3", petite and dark blonde. Just in case. smile


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Pilot,

My sitch took a weird twist as well recently.

And at 5 ' 7" and just under a "buck-twenty", I guess I qualify as "willowy" now. Blonde... but not dumb!
(Anyway, I'm too old for you.)
Rayzzz probably looks super hot in a wig and a Batman costume, playing a Ukulele.
Those plastic abs are really eye-catching! I want some! smile
----------------------------------------

But yes, it IS really hard to keep the faith when the people we love are throwing us under the bus, and there are all these really nice people out there who *seem* really interested...

Who knows what they're really like, but I think we can all agree, they are a balm for the old ego!!!!
-------------------------------------

I had an interesting, ego-stroking exchange with the young guy behind the meat counter at the grocery store today.
He is working his way through graduate school (full boat).
He was bright and funny, easy on the eyes--and clearly liked his meat... "aged and well seasoned"!
He was the most compelling person I've spoken to in weeks; cracking jokes about the price of the "meat" among other things.
He really made me laugh and was obviously smart and confident.
His "interest" was such a contrast to GUBU, who I usually feel would be happier if I had just died.

He started to up the flirting ante--but I beat it out of there.
No dating yet. Nope! Too scaarrrrrryyyy......

Too much temptation and I am pretty lonely for male companionship at the moment.
(But you can bet I'll be buying more Kebabs and Pub Burgers on Wednesdays in the near future! I need to gain some weight anyway.)

I'm sure a lot of women would write him off because he's packing up their chicken breast, but I know not to judge a person by the job they're doing.
---------------------------------

I heard today on Dr. Oz that "Testosterone takes a dip in Spring, rebounds in Summer."

Don't know how that's relevant, except that the "testosterone" seems to be flowing lately.
For us female DBers, it might mean our Hs are going wacko, into "RUT". Yuck!
They appear to be focused on what *might* be available in the gene pool.

Meanwhile, our wonderful male DBers are feeling the pinch of their wives being MIA while their levels are surging. That can't feel good.

Just food for thought.

Anyhow.
There are great people everywhere.
If our S's don't come around, I think the people here will do just fine in the end.

There are a LOT of people out there who are looking for QUALITY.

That is the elusive "IT" factor that is in short supply.

And if nothing else, this he!! we are going through is refining us, whether we like it or not.
We will either be better for it, or worse for it.

That's up to us.

For myself, I want to be better for this experience.

If the messed-up losers on Jerry Springer can have a passel of suitors fighting over them on national TV, we sure can!

"Who's your Baby Daddy?" "Bachelor Number One?" "NOPE."
"Bachelor Number Two?" "Nope."
"Bachelors 5-9-20????" "Nope."

GIRL-FIGHT!!!! Pull off that wig!!!
------------------------------------

At least this board proves we can string a sentence together.
That's a real plus in my book.
I love a quick wit, a good sentence, a thoughtful reply.

If nothing else, we are LEARNING.
And we are GROWING.

We WILL be better for this experience, either for our spouses, or a new partner.

Or maybe--just for ourselves.

"So Sayeth the Triple GGG..."



---GGG
Hijack?

Absolutely.

Sorry?

Only a little.

smile


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Thinking of you pilot. Keep the faith and stay strong.


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
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Pilot, Gashy , Rayzzz, big mac,ss06,goat gal- , it sounds like we all have the same sitch going on! just different locations. I looked up the Chaos kids on web. crazy how so much is true and we are living proof of living through it! Somehow I truly believe we will all come out of this as better people. with or without S. If S comes back they will really appreciate the strength and patience we showed them during there crisis. If they don't come back we will be much further ahead of them in terms of our understanding of what we need in a M. The DB has been a huge help! I feel that if it is true love and we can show the patience even going through a D and after a D they may wake up and see how there actions caused the break up of the Family. My W is being extremely nice to me this week. She knows I need to answer summons in next 3 weeks. She thinks we will be good friends through this and after D because of kids. I am struggling with this concept. if you want to be best friends and help each other with kids then why D. I don't think there is any such thing as a Happy D. A great book that my DB coach recommended was by Gary Smalley called winning your wife back before its to late: whether she's left physically or emotionally. also same author joy that last. I would highly recommend both books you can download on your nook or smart phone. the Winning wife back talks about the issues that childhood or parent relationships have on our spouse. its really a good read! That's what I struggle with I want to be that person that loves wife unconditionally even if divorced. it talks about emotional baggage they are carrying around that nothing we do will make a difference in the relationship today. She will have to work through these areas herself in order to receive our love again. a woman is not in a favorable position to reconcile if she is struggling with her past.didnt mean to get to heavy but wanted to share this with you guys and girls .


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Originally Posted By: LisaB


For what it's worth I'm blonde and around 5ft. LOL. :P


I am now in my own fog. Haha


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
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Originally Posted By: Ss06

I am 5'3", petite and dark blonde. Just in case. smile


OMG my fog just got mega foggy! smile smile smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
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Originally Posted By: GoatGal
Pilot,

And at 5 ' 7" and just under a "buck-twenty", I guess I qualify as "willowy" now. Blonde... but not dumb!


Fog so thick its like I am swimming!!


Quote:
Rayzzz probably looks super hot in a wig and a Batman costume, playing a Ukulele.


Fog cleared!! smile


Quote:
Who knows what they're really like, but I think we can all agree, they are a balm for the old ego!!!!


You are right. But then again, any next real relationship would be after what we have all been through.
-------------------------------------

Quote:
I had an interesting, ego-stroking exchange with the young guy behind the meat counter at the grocery store today.


Without quoting the whole story.... awesome GoatGal! It almost read like the beginning plot to an adult film when I first started reading it! haha. I am glad you had that experience because I do know what it can do to self esteem after being treated like your H treats you. I bet you will be having beef tonight. (ok, that sounded bad after I typed it)
---------------------------------

Quote:

There are great people everywhere.
If our S's don't come around, I think the people here will do just fine in the end.


Absolutely. I am not worried about the long term for me, or for most of the people here. As you said, we are all getting our sh1t together in a way which only makes us better suited for our next relationship regardless if it is with our spouses.

Thank you so much for spending your time writing on my forum GGG. It really is nice knowing you and the others here take a moment out of their day to give a little pep talk when one is needed.

Thanks to all!!!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
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Originally Posted By: igit
didnt mean to get to heavy but wanted to share this with you guys and girls .


By all means keep sharing. Never too heavy. I will look into those books.

Thanks igit!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Quote:
it talks about emotional baggage they are carrying around that nothing we do will make a difference in the relationship today. She will have to work through these areas herself in order to receive our love again. a woman is not in a favorable position to reconcile if she is struggling with her past.didnt mean to get to heavy but wanted to share this with you guys and girls .


I think this is a very important idea, that our Ws are struggling with emotional baggage from their pasts that we had nothing to do with, and their behavior towards us is in most cases not personal even if they say it is (believe none of what you hear and less than half of what you see...). I know sometimes I lose my patience and respond with anger to provocations, but this is always an unhealthy way to address the problem - even if it is short-term very satisfying!

I guess that is why detachment is such an important technique; it depersonalizes our reaction to provocations which for the most part are not personal but the actions of someone else on autopilot. Sometimes you just need to dial in more trim to remain straight and level... When I can step back when W is not around and look at it rationally it makes it easier to stay focused on the goal, which for me is surviving this and out-stubborning my WAW. One can love the sinner without loving the sin.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Originally Posted By: Casey

I guess that is why detachment is such an important technique; it depersonalizes our reaction to provocations which for the most part are not personal but the actions of someone else on autopilot. Sometimes you just need to dial in more trim to remain straight and level... When I can step back when W is not around and look at it rationally it makes it easier to stay focused on the goal, which for me is surviving this and out-stubborning my WAW. One can love the sinner without loving the sin.


Really interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing!!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Ok, so I just got back from moving my W into her new apartment. Her parents drove down with her from their place and wanted to see the kids so i went up there. I helped unload the moving truck as well. She was pleasant and happy, and hugged me when I got there. Her parents were also very pleasant, but they have always been to me and really like me. After we got the truck unloaded, we all went to have lunch. Then we drove her parents to my oldest son's new school. I guess they wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Haha. At any rate, it is a really pretty school. On a bluff and on the bay. It looks more like a resort than a school. I showed them the pier where my friends and I used to bring our boats to school when I went there as a kid. We left the school, and her parents left to drive back to their place 4 hours away. My W and I were alone with the kids in her new apt. and she started to shuffle through things to get them set up. I could have stayed, but decided to say good bye as well. For one, I wanted to be the one to chose to leave, and second, I really did not want to help her set up her new place where I would not be living. I was taking the kids back with me, as I am taking them to the offshore boat race at the beach tomorrow. So I said I was leaving, and she asked me what time the boat race was and where on the beach I would be. I could tell she wanted me to ask her to come with us. So I did. And she seemed happy to accept. Then she came over to hug me and said she did not want to make a big deal about leaving to keep the little one from getting worked up. I had been pretty dark on her since she left last W and had no casual conversation with her till today. I just needed some space from her. She will get the kids this week and I will probably stay dark except for kid stuff after the beach tomorrow.

Fun times...


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Hi pilot, sounds like you had a good day. I think you are handling yourself really well, and indeed your W sounds confused about what she wants. She has to go through her process I guess but no fun for you.
Those of you DBers with kids have such a different situation from those of us without. You really have to consider maintaining that civil, agreeable relationship for the sake of the kids. On the one hand that is so difficult, and on the other I guess it provides an excuse to talk and spend time together. I mean, if you didn't have kids together you probably wouldn't have helped her move today...

I'm interested to hear how the day at the beach goes! Keep us posted DB buddy!
Hugs, Lisa

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Pilot, I just wanted to say thanks for your support and help on my thread. I really do appreciate it.

Wow. Helping to move your wife into her new apartment. That takes serious detachment. I am amazed and dumbfounded by your ability to do that.

Keep on keeping on!!!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Offshore boat racing sounds like lots of fun! I have always wanted to learn to sail; building a boat and sailing around the world has been a lifelong dream of mine. I guess once the WAW is out of the picture then all these dreams become possible.

I hope this makes progress possible; it seems that the WAW has to go experience the world and get burned a few times before they come to their senses. I agree with your post on Igit's thread, that sometimes they never do fall on their faces and we cannot be waiting around expecting them to come back after they fail; that if that is what we are thinking of then maybe we need to work on detachment some more.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Originally Posted By: Ss06
Pilot, I just wanted to say thanks for your support and help on my thread. I really do appreciate it.

Wow. Helping to move your wife into her new apartment. That takes serious detachment. I am amazed and dumbfounded by your ability to do that.

Keep on keeping on!!!


Anytime ss.

As for helping her move, yea, it does take serious detachment. I was not sad about it at all. I was just not going to stick around and help dust off the furniture and set things up. I even joked with her in front of her parents about it. We have a heat wave here, and it was already 95 degrees when we were unloading late morning. She made a comment to her mom about how hot it was, and i told her 'see, you should have left me last september when you first said you were going to then we could have moved everything in the fall when it was cool and pleasant.' She laughed and so did her parents.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
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Originally Posted By: LisaB

Those of you DBers with kids have such a different situation from those of us without. You really have to consider maintaining that civil, agreeable relationship for the sake of the kids. On the one hand that is so difficult, and on the other I guess it provides an excuse to talk and spend time together. I mean, if you didn't have kids together you probably wouldn't have helped her move today...


You are absolutely correct...at least I think. If we did not have kids, I would not have helped her, and probably would not even be here. Or so I say that. But so many people here do not have kids and they are trying just as hard as those with. Of course, before all of this happened, I would have sworn if my wife had an A I would leave her in a heartbeat. Which of course....

We can always speculate on what we would do when something does not go the way we like when it comes to someone we love. But the reality is, you never really know what you are willing to go through because of love. Having kids as an excuse to talk to your WAS is a double edged sword. I feel for those here who have that fear of never talking to their WAS again when they go NC because there is no real reason for them to keep in touch. I also understand first hand the anxiety LBS feels when they are forced to keep constant contact with their WAS because of the kids when all they want is to not see or talk to that person for a while just to let themselves heal a bit. All we can do is play the hand of cards we are dealt.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Originally Posted By: Casey


I hope this makes progress possible; it seems that the WAW has to go experience the world and get burned a few times before they come to their senses. I agree with your post on Igit's thread, that sometimes they never do fall on their faces and we cannot be waiting around expecting them to come back after they fail; that if that is what we are thinking of then maybe we need to work on detachment some more.


It is not so much that they will fail as it is they might gain an understanding as to just how difficult things really can be. Sometimes when a W or H comes from a very sheltered M diving into the world by themselves can be a real wake up call. What they do with it is completely up to them.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Heh pilot. It seems our current issues are similar. My WAW recently moved into a new place. I helped her move some stuff but didn't stay around to get her settled in. It's also difficult when you have kids as you can detach but only so much. Reading your thread shows me you are doing a great job. Detaching enough but still in the background with the door open. I'm not great with advice but I just want you to know that I'm praying for you!


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
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Originally Posted By: pilot
Even though things are going relatively well with W, I am really really questioning if it is worth the effort.


WHY? Why not give it some TIME before you take the temperature again...and again. You are not digging a ditch in tar in Haiti during a storm. "Things are going relatively well">......geez.

It seems you get upset if there is any drama (other than a move toward you) and you ALSO get upset when all there is, is peace and companionship. A GOAL of many here is just interacting without a fight. SAVOR THAT...and let it build.

I try to look at it as if she is someone I just met, how and would I handle it. The answer I keep coming up with is I would not be putting in this much effort.

No offense, but that^^^ is too shallow a litmus test. Frankly, none of us would be here if we had just met the spouse.

WE do all this and more, b/c we MARRIED these people, and or we have built a family with them over a period of years.


I know I have time on my side, especially if she is not pushing forward with the D and not serving me.



I don't think SHE is hurrying to categorize & finalize things as much lately--- it's YOU doing that, don't you think?
Patience...


Even going as far as saying let the petition expire and 'probably' file in our new state 3 months from now.




WOW^^^ HUGE POSITIVE. How'd you react?


But I have to say I am tempted to reply on my own before the Sept. 19 deadline. And I say this not because I WANT to get divorced, I just want to move on with my life.

cry well, Then decide if you want to give up. But don't assume your next r will be "no work & all play". I think you'll quit this "work" to go find more, with a woman who is not the mother of these kids, and with a soon to be ex wife too

(As in, the wife you have now, so the "next m" would actually be HARDER from the get go!)

See, you will have to do the work in SOME relationship, if you don't want to live your life alone (or in a mediocre relationship, assuming you find a woman who is okay with a mediocre marriage...which is surely possible).

But if you only find women who want good marriages, then you will still have to do the work we're asking you to do now here, OR she will leave you and you will be right back here again,

only it'll be a new relationship to work on.... I say do it ONCE and for all and be done...


OTOH, Div Busting isn't for everyone (and neither is only having one spouse for life, or staying married for decades.)

Have you read my signature block? Do you know how long I was here before I even had an inkling of where my h would really live? Do you get that you are not really having a harder time than most? Honestly you have so many advantages in your situation that if I sound a little irked at your attitude, I admit it, I AM.

I MOVED to Alaska eventually ---and then ---we moved back home, luckily....this was a THREE YEAR process that got us back here...and it wasn't all fun before hand...and only after Retrovaille did I feel as if we really had restored our m.\

Gee, how'd I do it? I GAL like a maniac, that's how. Pilot, you know this!


I guess I am just tired of following the rules of marriage alone while not having any of the benefits of marriage.


Well, I get it. (Yes, I really do).

But here is some tough love, okay?

Make sure you don't marry someone who travels for work...OH and you need to stop any traveling you do too....b/c otherwise one or more of you will have to forgo the benefits of marriage "while following the rules".

Also avoid military families b/c we have to do that all the time...

BTW, what are the rules you are not wanting to follow? Sex with OWs? Is that something you keep having to refuse? Are a lot of women throwing themselves at you or is this that incredibly chronic need you have for a woman on your arm?

I Know you deny this but it keeps flaring up as THE factor for you that you seem unable to get past. As if having someone in your life who is female and strokes your ego is the linchpin to your self esteem and raison d'être. I don't get that.

You need to self affirm better, so you don't constantly require it from her/OWs. That must have been draining for your wife and might be an issue for you to work on with your therapist. You are still seeing one or did you hire a DB coach? I SURE HOPE YOU WILL.


If she is on a journey to see if she can find happiness elsewhere, why not take this time and do the same.

Because you are here on this site. By virtue of that choice, you have said, in effect you are making a stand. You are stating that you want happiness with HER and the children you two brought into the world. That is why YOU are here.

When she is, we'll tell her the same thing. For now, SHE is not sure and she is the one who isn't here working on the m, you are. If you want to be "out there" so be it. But you chose to come here to work FOR the marriage,

so STOP looking over your shoulder wondering if it's SO MUCH BETTER out there, and that you cannot wait a "whole" year (or 3) b/c you want to know now, but Pilot,

b/c that^^ is exactly what your wife is doing.
Surely one of you can hang in there for your family's sake and it won't be her this time.

Remember when you realized You played a role in how she felt and how you two got here? Have all those insights faded already? That sure makes permanent change and progress difficult.



Problem is the state she filed in is a no fault state. So any extra marital activities are irrelevant in a divorce proceeding.

how is that "a problem"?

Oh wait, I think I get it. YOU want to file and still be able to blame her...Is that it?


However, in the state we are in now (Bible Belt) affairs play a role in how a divorce plays out. I am afraid if I do decide to date, without the protection of a pending divorce, this might be used against me should I allow the petition to expire and a new one filed in this state 3 months from now.


Pilot, read this^^^ again out loud to yourself, (alone--but include the part about the "protection of a divorce" and hone in on what exactly would be "protected")

and then imagine someone else saying it and ALSO claiming they want to be married and save their family. And yet having to "protect" the sex they want to have with OWs...

DIG DEEP.......NOW, How do you REALLY feel about what you heard?


Granted, she had an A which could be used against her in this state (not sure if she really understands that). I guess I have to speak to a L in this state to see how and what I should do.

At any rate, I am just rambling and feeling frustrated...


So you want to know if you should use the affair against her NOW,

b/c you might not be able to later (In another state AND OR after you also cheat)

and worse, SHE might be able to use your planned affair against you, there!

And you must have an affair soon, b/c it's SO HARD to be alone (??)

Wow, those are some interesting "Div Busting" questions. Yes ask a L there for divorce advice...because here we give marriage advice...and if he/she tells you that you have to LIVE there awhile longer (like 6 months) before you can file anyhow, gee maybe you could delay your dating a few more months?

(In my opinion you are so far from being ready to date a woman, that even discussing it now is inappropriate. What would you offer any OW now, anyway?

Look, We ALL got frustrated. We all got lonely. Yeah, I missed the affection too. I mean, you do know you are Not the only one here who LIKES sex?

And I did NOT enjoy 24/7 parenting as if I were single, (but NOT "single" enough to date!!) for those three long years too...

but I sucked it up and put my family ahead of my "needs" which were mostly (not all but mostly) about my ego. I did it. And I'm glad I'm here.

Wait...PIlot, tell me, or us or YOURSELF, why are you here?

This is a divorce busting site for people who want to stay married AND OR survive a divorce with their integrity intact and a bit of self esteem left.

IF that ^^ no longer describes you, then you have another decision to make.

It's just that You struck me as a "Leave no stone unturned" type of guy. But i have been wrong before.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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Originally Posted By: pilot
Ok, so I just got back from moving my W into her new apartment. Her parents drove down with her from their place and wanted to see the kids so i went up there. I helped unload the moving truck as well. She was pleasant and happy, and hugged me when I got there. Her parents were also very pleasant, but they have always been to me and really like me.

Sad stuff but all positive from the parents and really, from her too. You did well.

After we got the truck unloaded, we all went to have lunch. Then we drove her parents to my oldest son's new school. I guess they wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Haha. At any rate, it is a really pretty school. On a bluff and on the bay. It looks more like a resort than a school. I showed them the pier where my friends and I used to bring our boats to school when I went there as a kid.

Sounds really nice. And the kids? Your son is happy about it?


We left the school, and her parents left to drive back to their place 4 hours away. My W and I were alone with the kids in her new apt. and she started to shuffle through things to get them set up. I could have stayed, but decided to say good bye as well.

For one, I wanted to be the one to chose to leave, and second, I really did not want to help her set up her new place where I would not be living.


Perfect.


I was taking the kids back with me, as I am taking them to the offshore boat race at the beach tomorrow. So I said I was leaving, and she asked me what time the boat race was and where on the beach I would be. I could tell she wanted me to ask her to come with us. So I did. And she seemed happy to accept.


Good for you. Debatable...but when I think it is debatable, err on the side of generosity and love. (Beats erring on the side of anger and revenge.)


Then she came over to hug me and said she did not want to make a big deal about leaving to keep the little one from getting worked up. I had been pretty dark on her since she left last W and had no casual conversation with her till today. I just needed some space from her. She will get the kids this week and I will probably stay dark except for kid stuff after the beach tomorrow.

Fun times...


Given the..."givens", this^^ really is the best plan for now that I can think of.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Pilot, 25yearsmlc. Has quite a sitch she went through. I can tell you I am of opinion that your w fell in love with you once, she can do it again. You both are still young. My sitch is similar but been together 19yrs and have young kids. Neither one of us is a spring chicken. Me 54 W 48. It's the mlc in my w . Every sypton, sign is there. I am going to gal.big time because it's the only way to survive. I am going to leave door open and honestly think my w attitude is going to change for the better if I don't fight her on D. We have had great conversations just like you. I guess that's what you have to build on. Being a freind when you want more is so hard.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Pilot just found your thread. I see what your going through, you have to decide what you want. It's been three months for me and I love my W more every day and just hopes she sees this. Stay strong.


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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

I don't think SHE is hurrying to categorize & finalize things as much lately--- it's YOU doing that, don't you think?
Patience...
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I really do not know what she is doing. She is not rushing to get this D done and over. Yet she still insists it is the thing to do. Confusing.

Quote:


Even going as far as saying let the petition expire and 'probably' file in our new state 3 months from now.




WOW^^^ HUGE POSITIVE. How'd you react?


Honestly do not remember how or if I reacted when she said this. Confused at the logic. I definitely can see how this can be a positive. I can also see how this could be a negative if you take it as just prolonging the inevitable. For all I know she sees some advantage to a D in our new state. Not saying I buy in to the negative angle, just throwing it out.


Quote:


BTW, what are the rules you are not wanting to follow? Sex with OWs? Is that something you keep having to refuse? Are a lot of women throwing themselves at you or is this that incredibly chronic need you have for a woman on your arm?

I Know you deny this but it keeps flaring up as THE factor for you that you seem unable to get past. As if having someone in your life who is female and strokes your ego is the linchpin to your self esteem and raison d'être. I don't get that.

You need to self affirm better, so you don't constantly require it from her/OWs. That must have been draining for your wife and might be an issue for you to work on with your therapist. You are still seeing one or did you hire a DB coach? I SURE HOPE YOU WILL.
[/color]


I guess what I meant was she 'gets' to go out, explore the world, date, form emotional (maybe physical) relationships and compare them to what she had in a M. Cake eating. If things do not go well, or she finds herself in need (financially or emotionally) good ol pilot will be there as a fall back. Get an apt she cant afford? No biggie, pilot will pick up the slack. Live a lifestyle she cant afford? Oh pilot..... Get lonely? Call pilot. So why should those rules not apply to me as well? My thoughts are more of a ramble than a foregone decision. But the fact that the thoughts are in my head says something...

I would not boast and say I have women lining up to throw themselves at me. There does however seem to be quite a bit of interest out there in me. There is always the ex gf, (who actually showed up at my place at 2 in the morning last week nice and drunk) I have friends (close and distant) who are constantly trying to make connections with me an other single women. They even bring them around for those 'accidental meetings' so the other girl can 'check me out'. Funny stuff really, and I would be lying if I said I did not enjoy the attention. Again, it is not that I HAVE to have a R, it is just that I WANT to have one. I just sometimes feel like a vegetarian starving themselves in a butcher shop because my cabbage wants nothing to do with me. Haha, I will start calling my W a cabbage and she will have no idea why.

I get it that I am here to save my M. Well, technically speaking I am here to DB, which means I am here to work on myself and reflect on my involvement in the decline of the M. The byproduct of this process is you take a non panic based looked at your M and what you were lacking from it. Maybe I am just stuck in that part right now.
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Problem is the state she filed in is a no fault state. So any extra marital activities are irrelevant in a divorce proceeding.

how is that "a problem"?

Oh wait, I think I get it. YOU want to file and still be able to blame her...Is that it?


However, in the state we are in now (Bible Belt) affairs play a role in how a divorce plays out. I am afraid if I do decide to date, without the protection of a pending divorce, this might be used against me should I allow the petition to expire and a new one filed in this state 3 months from now.


Pilot, read this^^^ again out loud to yourself, (alone--but include the part about the "protection of a divorce" and hone in on what exactly would be "protected")

and then imagine someone else saying it and ALSO claiming they want to be married and save their family. And yet having to "protect" the sex they want to have with OWs...

DIG DEEP.......NOW, How do you REALLY feel about what you heard?


Granted, she had an A which could be used against her in this state (not sure if she really understands that). I guess I have to speak to a L in this state to see how and what I should do.

At any rate, I am just rambling and feeling frustrated...

So you want to know if you should use the affair against her NOW,

b/c you might not be able to later (In another state AND OR after you also cheat)


Maybe I was not clear. I was speaking in hypotheticals (and rambling). IF, a big IF I decided I wanted to move on and date, then I would HAVE to have a D pending in order to keep that dating from being an A. It is not about using her A against her. More about keeping her from claiming I was the one having an A.

Besides, do we not say here that filing for D, being served, and even D itself does not spell the end? That in the end, it is just a piece of paper. Who knows, maybe accepting her D petition when she may be questioning it would be the mother of all poker plays. Not saying it is my plan, but still...
Quote:

Wait...PIlot, tell me, or us or YOURSELF, why are you here?


I came here because I was looking for everything I could find to help save my M. Through the DB process i have come to understand where my own shortcomings were. I also began to realize there were things in my M that I was not getting which I really wished I would have been.

Quote:
This is a divorce busting site for people who want to stay married AND OR survive a divorce with their integrity intact and a bit of self esteem left.

IF that ^^ no longer describes you, then you have another decision to make.


That is kind of an unnecessary statement implying those who come to the realization the M they had to their S really is not worth pursing somehow have no integrity or self esteem.

Quote:


It's just that You struck me as a "Leave no stone unturned" type of guy. But i have been wrong before.


I am a no stone left unturned kinda guy. Which means along the way I will look under every stone, including those not on par with DB principles. I will turn up stones I know have nothing underneath as well if for no other reason than to say I checked and considered every option out there.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Quote:
Look, We ALL got frustrated. We all got lonely. Yeah, I missed the affection too. I mean, you do know you are Not the only one here who LIKES sex?

And I did NOT enjoy 24/7 parenting as if I were single, (but NOT "single" enough to date!!) for those three long years too...
,

Pilot, this was a quote from 25 on this before she reconciled. Way back in the archives.

Just sayin....

Quote:
Also, several months ago, I signed up for a computer date thing and have flirted/talked with some people on it a few times.


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Where did 25 say this:
Quote:
That is kind of an unnecessary statement implying those who come to the realization the M they had to their S really is not worth pursing somehow have no integrity or self esteem.
?

I think it's growth if through the process people here decide that maybe they are hanging on to something out of fear. That realization can bolster integrity and increase self-esteem.

Filing for D in order to date doesn't seem to be a part of the process, but rather driven by fear or the belief that there's something wrong with us if we're not in a R.

But maybe I misunderstand what I'm reading.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Hey pilot! I think 25 made a lot of great points but I also see where you are coming from. I think sometimes we LBS get tired and frustrated, even when things are going sort of OK. Then we start looking around and thinking "do I really want to keep trying or should I take the 'easy way'?"

But we DBers know that the easy way is not so easy. That being divorced is no party and will be difficult, especially on the kids.

But yeah I get where you are coming from pilot. And I know part of it is just venting to us here, right? Telling us your thoughts, questions and concerns is good.

I too have the same questions. Should I wait around for him to wake up or go find someone else? There are plenty of fish in the sea and I love me some fish. If I had kids I would probably think differently, but maybe not. Perhaps it is also a reaction to the rejection, to want to go find someone else who will tell you how hot and funny and smart you are when your WAS has left you in the dust.

OK, rambling over. Just wanted to say I think I get it. But listen to 25!
Hugs,
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You are right Lisa. 25 always makes good points and she has great insight. I put a lot of weight into what she says...even if she thinks I do not smile

And yes, it is true there is no easy way out or escape by simply walking away. Divorce when you have kids with someone means you never really divorce. You are stuck with them for better or for worse. Hmm...where did that phrase come from?

A lot of what I type is free thought and rambling. It is tossing ideas or feelings out there if for no other reason to get em out of my head. A lot of it is confusion based as well. As much as DB tries to lay out a path to follow, sometimes I find myself lost and confused, not knowing which way to go. But, I am still here...for now smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Divorcing when you share kids seems to me like choosing the "for worse" part permanently and forsaking the "for better" part for forever. Seems like a bad choice.

But maybe that's just me.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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I hear you, Pilot. DB is pretty specific and detailed but there are still times that I find myself going "Ok, what am I supposed to do in this sitch??" Usually I find the answer is GAL and detach. LOL

I, like you, often post as a stream of consciousness and a way to work out my confusion or multiple thoughts at odds with themselves (like how there's a war going on in my head as if I have no control? Yeah, that's how it feels anyway.). This site really helps with that.


25 has a way of dialing in abruptly which, for me, is necessary. In all of the muck floating around I can't seem to see the buoy I think I'm swimming toward... she has been a HUGE help but it has had to come as HUGE 4x6s because I need it. Plus it's teaching me that I have a tendency to defend my defense and resist like it's an art form. That's me though.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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BTW, Pilot, that wasn't meant to be a slam on where you are AT ALL. It was just my off-the-cuff thought in response to your observation about divorcing with kids. Hope you read it that way...

And yes, I read EVERYTHING 25 says, because there's always a nugget in there I need to pay attention to. The vets here are such a gift, helping us learn to see the world from a new set of lenses than the ones that got us here. I hope they can feel the great karma they're earning for themselves.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Originally Posted By: Maybell


And yes, I read EVERYTHING 25 says, because there's always a nugget in there I need to pay attention to. The vets here are such a gift, helping us learn to see the world from a new set of lenses than the ones that got us here. I hope they can feel the great karma they're earning for themselves.


I agree! The wisdom seems so deep and so great that I feel like everytime they type I need to take notes!!!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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W did not come to the beach today. She sent me a text early in the morning saying she had a lot to do unpacking and getting stuff for her place and getting it ready for the kids today. No big deal. I went anyways with the kids and met with other friends who have kids my kids play with. We had a great day. W was texting me through out the day asking how the beach was and stuff. I just sent pictures of the kids playing in the water. It was getting close to the time she was going to drive down to get the kids. I told her we were having such a good time that we would be a few more hours and I would just bring the kids to her and drop them off. She said ok. A little while later she said if I wanted we could meet somewhere and the 4 of us eat dinner. I said sure. I got the kids cleaned up and we went to meet her. I was dressed pretty sharp like I was headed out on a date. She was tshirting it. The kids were asleep in the car when we got there and she was worried they would not wake up to eat. I told her it was ok, because I could not stay long anyways. She seemed a little confused. We got our food and instead of keeping a conversation going, I did what she did so often which drove me f'ing insane. I picked up my phone and looked like I was texting someone. I was reading, smiling, even a few light laughs. (if nothing else a total 180 for me because I never interact over the phone with anyone in a restaurant, unless it is business and it is brief) She just sat there quiet. She made a mention about the kids not really being completely awake. I said very cheerfully, ok we can go. I got up and we all went out to the cars. We put the kids in their seats and I unloaded all the kiddos stuff from my car to hers. Her car was packed and we ended up standing right in front of each other. Before she could say or do anything, I said since next weekend was a holiday weekend, she can keep the kids through Tuesday morning, and I would pick them up from school that afternoon. (we had actually not discussed custody arrangements since she got here) She said ok, and I said great, I will see you in a little over a week. I smiled really pleasant and went to my car. My oldest son called me back over and asked if he could come visit me this week. I told him he could do whatever he wanted. he has been asking lots of questions lately.

Anyways, I got back into my car and picked up my phone right away as if I was anxious to read something from it. She noticed and drove off. 45 minutes later she sent me a text asking if I left one of their lunch boxes in my car. I said no i put both in her car, and she replied ok, maybe it is still in mine. 15 minutes later she asked me where his library book was. I told her. 20 minutes later another text asking to take apicture of some instructions for my oldest sons project this week. I guess I need to answer, so I will use my dad's phone to take the picture and send it. She does not need to know I am home and not out somewhere.

Oh, and the stuff I was reading on the phone during dinner.... the DB forum. Haha, the irony...

Whoops, I forgot to hit submit. Anyways, I just got back from having a few drinks out with friends (decided to go out anyways..) and I got a couple more texts and questions of mild importance.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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That is too funny! Seems like nothing motivates women more than jealousy! Wishing you luck with your WAW.

What kind of airplane do you own? My parents used to own a Piper Comanche when I was a child. Been seriously thinking about pulling the trigger on purchasing a set of plans for a Cozy MK IV. Wanted one of those for years but never had the need for such a distraction until now...


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Yeah that's funny because when my WAW and I were hanging out here a couple weeks back I would see her out of the corner of my eye looking over trying to see who I was texting. It was my lady friend. That's usually when she says something like..."it's really great some other woman gets to reap the rewards of my work. Be sure to tell her that I am partly responsible for the man you are now."
As if I'm ever going to tell LF.."oh by the way, my ex wife wanted me to tell you that she is partly responsible for the man I am today." I can only imagine the look I would get relaying such a weird message.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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IH, if you don't mind sharing, may I ask what state you live in that your D was granted 2 months after served papers?!

p.s. I love how your wife wants credit for making you into such a wonderful man as if you couldn't have managed that on your own at all.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Haha IH, yea, that would not be a good conversation to have with LF. My W has never made any mention of changes other than compliments on physical appearance/new clothes/cologne type things. I do not think she really cares who gets me next. Hah.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
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Hey SS, I am in MA. Keep in mind we filed a "no fault" divorce...and there were no assets, kids, cars, etc. Just the two of us, two cats, and an apartment...and we weren't fighting over anything. So that sped up the process I think.
We filed June 27...had hearing July 17...and yesterday the nisi doc came saying we are married until November 17. This was why WAW kept telling me she was shocked the court date came so quick. I was too! Yeah it's funny that WAW said that about me changing and wanting credit...it was really reading DB twice and reading advice here that made that happen...otherwise I would've been a blubbering, sobbing, pleading mess around WAW otherwise. I guess she feels like since she walked away that that's what prompted these changes she's wanted all along. She has expressed displeasure many times that the changes were made after she left. I just tell her they would've been made even if you stayed.


Oh I don't know Pilot, my WAW acts like she is happy for me to have LF. She even goes so far as to say "maybe you'll fall in love with her!" As if she'd be happy for me. I don't believe that for a minute, I just think WAW knows she's at a place now where she either has to change her mind or let me move on. I don't believe that about your WAW either, I'm sure she cares and would be jealous of a new woman in your life. It's only natural that someone wants to critque their replacement. My WAW asked a friend of mine who met my LF at a function all kinds of questions about what she looked like, her personality, etc.

Last edited by ItHurts; 08/27/14 07:52 PM.

ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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I am sure you are right about our Ws having at least a tad bit of interest/jealousy in any new LF we might have. I suppose it is only natural as I am sure we would have the same feelings. Probably stronger due to the fact our of lack of control of the entire situation.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
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Yeah but make no mistake, if WAW decides she wants you back I don't think a LF will stop her from trying. I am basing this off something my WAW told me...she said if she decided to reconcile that she would contact me and ask me how serious I am with so-and-so. I told her that would be a pretty gutsy move on her part but that's what she said she would do. I just think now another woman in the picture with a WAW puts them in a place where they feel pressured that they need to be sure they are making the right decision. I don't know for sure that's how your WAW is but I know that's how mine is.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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Quote:
I just think now another woman in the picture with a WAW puts them in a place where they feel pressured that they need to be sure they are making the right decision. I don't know for sure that's how your WAW is but I know that's how mine is.


That to me makes perfect sense. However, it better be a real LF and not just a scam move because if you bluff your W with a LF, you better be ready to have that bluff called!

The other flip side is if your W sees you actively dating, and she happens to not be, she might just decide to the same.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Pilot, it's good to have DB site back up and running. The last few days I have had some time to really think about my R with wife. I am in similar boat to you. W still at home, but filed a month ago. Anyway you know my sitch. A question for you. Do you want your family back? do you want your wife back? I have thought about that alot the past few days, my answer would be I do want my family back, I don't want my wife right now the way she is. My w is part of my family. But i dont want my family to go on as is. I know from your sitch you have looked at yourself and realized what you should have done differently. You have worked on yourself. No matter what your outcome in m will be, if you treat her with love and respect and get a D. At least her feelings for how you treated her through D will be a big positive in love bank. And with kids you may have another chance. My w is talking about me staying in home till June when school is out. I am thinking wtf. How am I going to be able to do that. Then I look at positives, wow what a great way to build a better bond with kids. Our wives have withdrawn from us. But things can and will change if we can continue to not be angry, detach from the drama, be the best dad you can be.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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25yearsmlc hi 25 anyway for you to comment on my sitch. I have been following pilot and always learn a great deal from your advice.
Thanks
Igit


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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igit you ask some good questions. Yes, I absolutely want my family back. And yes, I do want my wife back. But like you, not the woman who I see today. Problem is I do not know if who I see is who she is, or if I am not seeing clearly, or if this is a temporary thing. In a perfect world I would have my family back together. My kids would have their mom and dad living together and they would grow up in a traditional family. But it is not a perfect world. All we can do is play the hand of cards we are dealt. Right now it feels like I am playing a hand I am not able to look at yet.

We do have very similar situations. I am hoping you figure it out so you can pass on the magic formula. Because I certainly do not know what it is...other than time and patience. Have plenty of one, not sure about the other.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Pilot is other m still in picture. That I know can be a big problem..my w denies even though a month ago I saw her car in his garage. Remember believe nothing they say. My strategy is to keep on being best dad I can be and lose all anger towards her. Be indifferent but interested. Your comments on is this really who she is?. I think these affairs really do act like a drug. They know it's wrong, but they need a fix...they feel something they haven't felt in a long time...I don't know but believe a relationship built on lies and deception doesn't have much of a chance to survive. I feel they are trying to get us to reject them. They may actually be afraid of the new us. Maybe they feel there not good enough. Just my two cents..


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Pilot, your rt about playing the cards your dealt. I bet your like me, if we put half of the time into m we have put into saving this marraige we wouldn't be here. It's a hard pill to swallow. Be persistent but patient. The R no matter what it becomes is going to be different then what it is now. They are going to be in our life with kids till death do us part. Be who you want to be. That's the best thing for you.


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igit, I am not sure if OM is in the picture or not. I would suspect she still keeps in contact with him through phone/text/fb etc. No reason for her to quit. Seeing him physically would be a little more difficult as we moved 700 miles away from where he was and economics would likely keep any meeting from happening. Again, I have no idea one way or the other, and I have done nothing to try and find out. I am sure you are aware a relationship built on lies and deception are likely not to last, but do you really believe they think of their relationship that way? I doubt it. Maybe in hindsight AFTER it is over.

But you are right. Because we have kids with our Ws we will be stuck with them for a long long time. So I know there is no escaping or simply walking away. The flip side is they are not free of us either. If there is any demon they are carrying around or hidden guilt, it will show itself at some point. Sooner or later, they will have to face the truth about their actions, and that truth is what they did was wrong...regardless of the state of the M.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
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Pilot you are absolutely rt on all of the A stuff. Good for you 700 miles away from that scum bag. I am 5 miles away from my wife's septic. You are rt about they can't get away from us either. I did my share of anger and frustration on her over this. I am through with all that. It doesn't bring me closer to goal. Her Religious beliefs are not being applied to her sitch rt now. But it will come someday. No need to dwell on it. Hanging in there rt now is all we can do. Life has a funny way of getting in the way of things. Let life happen. My w has came to me a few times telling me she feels guilty. Not lately though. But it's in there,


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Yea, you are right about letting life happen. I cannot say for sure but it seems my wife has had moments of second thoughts. She has never said anything to me like your W did. I would have a better chance of dating Kate Upton than getting her to talk R. She just does not want to/is afraid to. She always has been.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
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Pilot, my wife is not much different on that front about talking R. The problem is they hold all this inside them buried so deep for so long. My w has issues from childhood that she hasn't fully delt with. She has always been afraid to ask for what she needs. No love from her dad growing up. That's a big demon
Does your w have any of those issues. Has she ever talked to you about them. My W has brought them up at times in M and I tried to fix instead of just listening.


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My W is afraid of her dad in the sense she feels he is too controlling. She often complained about him during our M and how he treated her mom and even her. He is a pretty nice guy. He does like having control though. MC thought he was an issue in the few times we went. But I took her comments as text book replies due to the fact we had not really had much time to talk about anything.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
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Pilot do some reading on narcissist and what damage they cause to most of there relationships. My fil. Is classic N. They are usually very controlling, everything they do or say is usually about satisfying there own ego do to low self esteem. I don't know about your w history with her dad but it sounds like it maybe is issue in your m. I know in my sitch I new there was an issue but really didn't understand the magnitude. You live with and love someone for so long you tend to overlook alot. One thing that I know impacted my w during a talk. If you have a chance to have that talk maybe a way into conversation would be to talk about your kids and what kind of r you want with them. Talk about your R with your parents growing up. Maybe she will open up a little. My wife opened up to me and I told her I wish I new how deeply this hurt her. I told her it was not her fault she was a little girl. And how much I wanted to love that little girl. I thought it was a break thru it really seem to hit home at the time. But 2 steps forward 10 back you know the routine. Just some thought on reading up on it . It May Help YOU Understand Some issues


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Pilot,

Take my next comments with a grain of salt, I have a bit different scenario. I didn't like using the playing with phone technique you used when out with her and the kids the other day. To me, if you have an oppurtunity, why try to do something that annoyed you? To me it was like a game which is fine, but really if you get time is it not better spent showing the good you? Talking, making a joke, doting on the kids? These things to me, would seem to build something much better. Only my opinion.


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Originally Posted By: Roid76
Pilot,

Take my next comments with a grain of salt, I have a bit different scenario. I didn't like using the playing with phone technique you used when out with her and the kids the other day. To me, if you have an oppurtunity, why try to do something that annoyed you? To me it was like a game which is fine, but really if you get time is it not better spent showing the good you? Talking, making a joke, doting on the kids? These things to me, would seem to build something much better. Only my opinion.


Roid, I will give your comments full value, and thanks for posting. You are absolutely right that time spent with W would be better off doing positives. I guess I am just trying something different. Since she just moved here into her new place, I wanted to set the tone of I was not going to be readily available and it is quite possible I will be doing something else with someone else. I wanted to set the tone, but not actually say it. Was I wrong, probably. In fact I probably would have advised others here not to do it. But I am trying something different in almost a gambling fashion. I am leaning towards the route of completely dropping the rope and moving on (in appearance with someone else without actually being someone else). I guess I am doing this because I really am getting close to the end of my rope.

Truth be told, I am certain I could be spending a lot more time with my W and she would be ok with it. I am pretty certain that I could be at the very least taking her and the kiddos out to dinner several times a week when she has them and schedules permit. While part of me wants to do that, in keeping with what I had been doing over the summer when we were all together, the other part thinks that has not been working. Or maybe it has not been working quick enough for my impatient self...who knows.

Roid, I honestly just do not know what to do anymore, nor if I even want to do it. All in all my situation is not nearly as bad on the surface as many people here have it. There are no fights, no name calling, no refusal to see each other. There is not really even a D pending as she never served me yet. There is just no movement and seemingly no thought on her end on our M whatsoever. That was coming from what she said about not having given our M any thought. Now I know that is probably not true, but wtf, why say it?


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
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I have been there on numerous days. Do I want to go on, can I keep doing this? I to don't have it as bad as some others, but just because it doesn't look bad doesn't mean it feels any different to us. And I don't blame you for trying different things at all. We are in similar situations as far as where we are, but still everyone is a bit different. My wife responds well to positive actions, so I will try to keep those up, and besides it helps my moods anyway.

As far as her saying what she said? She was just spouting off, still upset, still unsure, and still in turmoil a bit. My wife has said recently, that even if we got back together she doesn't want to be married to anyone, she could have been better off single and had more for her life! I don't believe that at all. She says that to just try and feel good for her, ignore it and move on. Maybe one day we will get the true feelings from them, but not anytime soon I don't think.


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So I was facetiming with my kiddos and when the kids were done she put the camera on her and started talking about stuff. My picture was up in the upper corner of my screen and so I started pointing down while she was talking. She stopped talking and was like 'what?' Then she got it and noticed she had big cleavage on the screen. She started laughing and zoomed in on it. She went back to talking...leaving the cleavage in view. Cruelty! haha, she prob knew what she was doing.

Oh well. Good happy upbeat talk at least.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
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Pilot & Roid,
I too feel I am at the same point on many days. Is it really worth it? I also feel like my situation is similar to both of yours and not as bad as others, but it also seems like it could linger forever in the same pattern forever if not pushed.

Early on when I did push her to make a decision, she said she chooses herself (which is choosing inaction and preferring to keep things as they are).

I wish I had the magic solution to all of this - and keep looking here for it. But I really know it is all up to how long we can hold on.


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We all our in similar sitch. WAW syndrome. The GAL helps. You have to give the appearance that you are moving forward with your life. It stinks and it's hard , I have been doing this since late Jan. She is not the person I want to spend my life with as she acts now. I don't know if she will come around or not. That's for her to figure out. Just be the best you you can be. Those positive changes you have made for yourself are for you regardless of our outcomes. I have grown so much closer to kids in this time. I got more active in church, which has been a great thing for how I look at people. Even doing the bible study stuff with some really good men. As bad as this has been to go through I know the kind of person I am and want to be. Read the book by Gary Smalley how to win your wife back before its to late. Great read and perspective on our sitches. Take the high road always. You will never regret it. Hope that helps a little


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Quote:
I honestly just do not know what to do anymore, nor if I even want to do it. All in all my situation is not nearly as bad on the surface as many people here have it. There are no fights, no name calling, no refusal to see each other. There is not really even a D pending as she never served me yet. There is just no movement and seemingly no thought on her end on our M whatsoever.


This fits my situation exactly too.

I like to read your thread because there are many parallels to what is going on with my W, but you seem to be on speaking terms with yours. Do you feel that is effective to be somewhat available and friendly as opposed to just businesslike or serious and to the point? I quit doing the friendly and available in my situation because I can sense her response is faked and I want the cake eating to end.

At what point do you decide that it is futile and you move on with your life? Or move on in the sense that you start pursuing someone else and accept your W is not coming back?


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
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Originally Posted By: Casey


This fits my situation exactly too.

I like to read your thread because there are many parallels to what is going on with my W, but you seem to be on speaking terms with yours. Do you feel that is effective to be somewhat available and friendly as opposed to just businesslike or serious and to the point? I quit doing the friendly and available in my situation because I can sense her response is faked and I want the cake eating to end.

At what point do you decide that it is futile and you move on with your life? Or move on in the sense that you start pursuing someone else and accept your W is not coming back?


You know, I honestly mix it up. I go for a stretch it seems where I am friendly and available, and she responds in kind. Then I will go business-like (only kid related) and not as available, she she seems to respond in kind as well. On the surface it would one might think 'well, why not stay friendly?' But either way seems to result in the same stalemate, or non movement. Also our 'friendly' spurts have usually been interrupted by necessary discussions which result in different points of view (such as schools and where the kids will live). I too am afraid of the cake eating, although 25 seems to think that may not be happening. Who knows for sure. I just tend to retreat to NC/only kid stuff when I get confused about what is going on. It is like my safe place.

Who knows at what point you decide it is futile. You can see for some people here it only took a few months and some it took years. Some have been at it for over a year and still working on it. Every situation is different and every person will have their limit. I do not know where mine is, but it feels like it is close at hand short of seeing any movement. I also may just push the issue myself and move the D along. She will either go along with the D happily or she may start to second guess and want to talk R. I just have to be in a place where either way is fine with me before I pull the trigger on that one. I think I am almost there.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
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Once again just my opinion!! Try the friendly stuff for a while, nothing harsh or mean!! what do you have to lose by doing this? At least try if you are still having feelings like you want to try and get her back.


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Originally Posted By: Roid76
Once again just my opinion!! Try the friendly stuff for a while, nothing harsh or mean!! what do you have to lose by doing this? At least try if you are still having feelings like you want to try and get her back.


I may just take your advice. Thanks for it.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
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Yeah I agree with Roid76, try being friendly! And maybe pinch her butt too! smile Add a little spice!

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Originally Posted By: LisaB
And maybe pinch her butt too! smile Add a little spice!


For the record, any backslide which comes out of this....I blame Lisa


Me: 42
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Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
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You say that in jest, or maybe a little seriousness. However, you don't see your WAW every day so there is some amount of loneliness and tension on her part, which is missing completely from my situation. Touching is not tolerated at all by my W and this angry seething behavior on her part cancels out any positive behavior on my part.

Glad that your W reacts positively and flirty sometimes; I think you are a lot closer to reconciliation than you think!


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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I agree with Casey. Pilot your W may just need this time to sort herself out. Your being friendly and still having some family time together <beach day etc...> is a positive. hang in there buddy, kids are a big part of your M , she may see the writing on the wall on what is best for her <that's you>. this A she had maybe still playing on her mind! She might even be thinking she doesn't deserve you! You are doing alright with your sitch! Hang Tuff


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I actually would tend to lean a bit toward Lisa. Maybe not full on booty pinch, but a little small flirts just to gauge a little bit if what she does. And I think sometimes we get afraid to backslide or make mistakes, but in the end, there are only failed attempts or successful actions. As long as we don't push too hard or pursue too much, a little backslide is probably going to happen. Just a thought though.


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Thanks guys. I would not agree that I am close to R. But who knows for sure. I get what you are saying about positive interactions and her needing this time to herself. The question we LBS always ask is just how much time can WE take. Casey as for the touching, I can pretty much hug at free will and even cuddle (I posted about this from a few weeks ago) She does not mind me touching. I just refrain from this because it is pursuing.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
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Sometimes pursuing and testing the waters are the same. I think that you have to test and maybe push a limit or two on occasion, especially if you are going out and being with each other. It's not really pursuing, unless you have expectations of getting so etching in return. Just use it as a way to see maybe where she is. At worst she backs off a bit more, at best it doesn't bother her and you know what you can and can't do.


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I am sure you are right. Maybe I am just afraid of too much contact and undetaching. I'm gonna think long and hard about what you have said

Thanks!


Last edited by pilot; 08/29/14 05:04 PM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
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I'm the same pilot. Things are going really well at the moment but that's cus I've been detaching and pretty much going dark but when with WAW I appear smartly dressed and confident.
If you feel detached enough to attempt something then do it but if you're concerned at her response I wouldn't.


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Pilot I think you are spot on no touching. It's a matter of respect. You can't look weak. I know I have been weak at times. But we have to respect ourself and what W has done with A,, OM. You are doing it rt. She knows you still care about her and m.


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Hi pilot, I was joking a bit about the butt pinching but I think you all got what I meant. She seems to be open and flirting a little. Maybe you could reciprocate in a playful way?

There is a huge difference between winking and grinning at someone and looking at them with sad, in love puppy dog eyes.

Maybe a little harmless flirting and friendliness would be a good experiment soon. But maybe not yet. That's up to you.

Hugs, LisaB

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Pilot, you are going about it the right way for where you are in your situation. Mine requires some tough love and a little pain to move from the comfortable (for her) rut that has been allowed to be established.

I stopped trying to touch my W a while ago; part of it is respect since that is what she does not want at present, but a bigger part is appearing needy and weak. Since touching is what I desire and it is not reciprocated by her, every time I tried to do so it just showed her that she still had me on that leash and that she didn't need to change anything to keep the status quo.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

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I sent my W a text today saying if she wanted to bring the kids to the beach (where I live) to play for the day on Monday we can do that. And since I was supposed to get them Tuesday, the kids can just stay here. I told her after the beach day, we can leave the kids with my dad and go watch the Miami/Louisville game somewhere. She replied "ok, I will let you know"

As for the touching and physical contact, who knows what I will do. I typically just play it by ear and see how things are with her and with me. She has seen receptive when I have not been, and I have been willing when she seems non receptive. Guess I will just wait till we are both on the same page.

Igit, I did stop her from what could have turned into something much more physical a couple months ago for that very reason. I am not ready to just jump into an R, physical or emotional until I know she is willing to work on things. Not interested in a one night stand with my W. She has to earn the booty. haha

Casey, I have no idea if I am doing it right in my situation. Often times I think I am doing everything I should not be...but thanks for the vote of confidence!

Lisa as for harmless flirting and friendliness, I pretty much do that. I am a friendly guy by nature, as well as fun flirty. Not an overbearing flirty, but fun and happy. haha, I have no idea how to say that.

Last edited by pilot; 08/30/14 04:45 AM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Posts: 930
I was in the grocery store today when I ran into one of my W's old close friends. In fact she was the friend my W stayed with a month or so ago the night she and I went out and we had a great date which 'may/could' have turned physical. Anyways she just started talking...so I sat and listened. She was saying they talked that night about things. About the night she stayed out till 4 with a guy in his car (the story she sticks by). She never mentioned the OM. She did say my W was saying she would never date these guys because she is a mom with kids. What I got from that is these guys did not have enough income to support her. Her friend was saying how shocked and sad she was about our situation. She was saying how she would always tell my W about how mad she was at her H or how they were fighting, and my wife never said anything negative about me ever, or ever had any complaints about me or M. Her H was there listening, and afterwards, he told this friend I was talking to that he bets she was cheating on me. Hah. She said my W was acting so different (there were really close when I met W, roommates in fact and we did a lot of things as a group when I first started dating W) and could not figure out what was up with my W. Her H even said he would prefer she not have anything to do with my W. That was kinda strong IMO.

Anyways, that is that...


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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Wow. That IS strong. Apparently they aren't close anymore? Sounds like other people are seeing W as a little off her rocker, too.

Hang in there.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Pilot, it's hard to hear things like that about your w. I know I hate the thought of my w out and about acting single. I look at her now like she is not my w. Trying to look at her like she is sick. Unhappiness is an inside job anyone will tell you that. We can't fix them, we can't do anything but be there for the kids while they go through this. Some WAW will process through there issues sooner then others. It is so hard to detach with kids. I just think the best approach is be there freind no matter what happens. If we can detach it will help us be more attractive to them. I really do believe that us LBS.are really not ourselves going through this process. Time will help. I was at her brothers cabin last night and today thinking how much fun it would be for me to have a women there with me water skiing , hanging out on boat, hot tubing at cabin. Rt. Now I am not sure that woman I want is my w in her current sickness. Hang in there you seem alot like me, happy go lucky, happy in general with life unfortunately our W don't have same dna.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Posts: 63
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Pilot,

That is part of what is so frustrating about all of this; you live with someone for years, build a life with them, have children with them, make dreams with them, and one day when they betray you, you realize that you never really knew them at all.


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

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Casey , we don't like the person they currently are. There is no doubt about that. Been w my W for 19yrs. You know some of there issues when together that long. What we don't realize is how those internal issues if not dealt with can manifest and affect all there relationships especially M. Casey keep trying to detach, think about yourself, there isn't anything you can do to help your W rt now. You will know when she is ready. Your still living together and alot can happen if you be true to yourself and GAL , DB, etc..


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Igit,

You are right there isn't anything one can do to help the partner who checked out of the M. Something has happened in my situation that has made me question how much of this I want to put up with. I have been living in a dead M for a year now, and while I have patience it is not limitless, especially when you discover you have other options, and the pain I am experiencing can end anytime I choose to end it. There is an ultimate yield strength for everything and I am ounces away from mine.

Sorry for the thread hijack Pilot, no one seems to comment on my thread...


Me37, W30, S7
Married 10yrs 05/11/04
ILYBINILWY 22/09/13
Disc. OM1 26/09/13
Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14
Affair Confession 21/06/14

W and I share same apartment (for a few more days).
W isn't pushing for D.

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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pilot Offline OP
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No problem Casey. Keep posting here, and on your thread People will jump onto yours soon. It took me a while to develop a small following. Usually people post when things are really bad or really good. The so so days usually go un noticed.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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pilot Offline OP
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Ok, help. I just got off the phone with the friend of my W who I saw at the store today. She sent me a fb message because she saw me online and wanted to talk on the phone. So she calls and wow, what an interesting/hurtful experience that was.

We talked for about 2 hours so I will never be able to recap the entire conversation here. But here are some of the points she wanted to talk about.

1. She said she had pressed my W to spill the dirt on me. Say some of the bad things about me. The only thing she said was what I had told my W a few days before our S began and I caught her with OM in the car. I had said I hoped our kids never marry someone like her because I would hate to see them go through what she is putting me through. Other than that she said nothing negative about me or our relationship.

2. She said my W explained to her that the reason she is dragging out the D by not serving me papers, and waiting 3-4 more months to file here in our new state is that she wants to spare my feelings and not be rude by rushing this D through quickly. She thinks it would be easier on me if it did not happen so quick. That she knew I was hurting and did not want to rub salt in the wound.

3. She said that my W talked about some other guy she knew from her childhood in her old hometown while she was living there this summer and had a crush on him.

4. She said that my W was talking about the LF I had invited to my kids bday a week after our S began and was just wondering about it. My wife called her an ex gf.

5. The night my W and I had a great date and got really close to taking it physical, and I threw cold water on it, she told this friend (who she stayed with) that she had wanted to stay with me until I got to talking about the schools and whatnot and then thought nevermind.

6. W had talked to her the day our S began and was talking about OM and how she thought someday there may be a relationship with this guy. (W insisted nothing had ever happened between them)

There are a million other things I know I will remember and post, but I have to say, I am feeling really down. I do not know why really. I mean, none of this is new stuff. And this was not even a conversation with W, it was with her friend. I guess I am just confused/hurt/tired? The part about her reason WHY she has not served me just does not make sense to me. Sandi? Is this possibly a valid reason? Ugg... frown frown


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Posts: 441
Pilot, remember don't believe anything they say. She knows you are hurting so let's just stay in limbo for another 3 to 4 months then I will serve him. It sounds like she is trying to convince herself why she hasn't served. Chances are she doesn't know for sure what she wants. Why wait if she was sure this is what she wanted. She isn't thinking about what's best for you rt now. guaranteed


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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