Dealing with WAW part 4

[25yearsmlc]

Ok, so I just got back from moving my W into her new apartment. Her parents drove down with her from their place and wanted to see the kids so i went up there. I helped unload the moving truck as well. She was pleasant and happy, and hugged me when I got there. Her parents were also very pleasant, but they have always been to me and really like me.

Sad stuff but all positive from the parents and really, from her too. You did well.

After we got the truck unloaded, we all went to have lunch. Then we drove her parents to my oldest son's new school. I guess they wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Haha. At any rate, it is a really pretty school. On a bluff and on the bay. It looks more like a resort than a school. I showed them the pier where my friends and I used to bring our boats to school when I went there as a kid.

Sounds really nice. And the kids? Your son is happy about it?

We left the school, and her parents left to drive back to their place 4 hours away. My W and I were alone with the kids in her new apt. and she started to shuffle through things to get them set up. I could have stayed, but decided to say good bye as well.

For one, I wanted to be the one to chose to leave, and second, I really did not want to help her set up her new place where I would not be living.

Perfect.

I was taking the kids back with me, as I am taking them to the offshore boat race at the beach tomorrow. So I said I was leaving, and she asked me what time the boat race was and where on the beach I would be. I could tell she wanted me to ask her to come with us. So I did. And she seemed happy to accept.


Good for you. Debatable...but when I think it is debatable, err on the side of generosity and love. (Beats erring on the side of anger and revenge.)

Then she came over to hug me and said she did not want to make a big deal about leaving to keep the little one from getting worked up. I had been pretty dark on her since she left last W and had no casual conversation with her till today. I just needed some space from her. She will get the kids this week and I will probably stay dark except for kid stuff after the beach tomorrow.

Fun times...

Given the..."givens", this^^ really is the best plan for now that I can think of.

[igit]

Pilot, 25yearsmlc. Has quite a sitch she went through. I can tell you I am of opinion that your w fell in love with you once, she can do it again. You both are still young. My sitch is similar but been together 19yrs and have young kids. Neither one of us is a spring chicken. Me 54 W 48. It's the mlc in my w . Every sypton, sign is there. I am going to gal.big time because it's the only way to survive. I am going to leave door open and honestly think my w attitude is going to change for the better if I don't fight her on D. We have had great conversations just like you. I guess that's what you have to build on. Being a freind when you want more is so hard.

[Gotan74]

Pilot just found your thread. I see what your going through, you have to decide what you want. It's been three months for me and I love my W more every day and just hopes she sees this. Stay strong.

[pilot]

I don't think SHE is hurrying to categorize & finalize things as much lately--- it's YOU doing that, don't you think?
Patience...
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I really do not know what she is doing. She is not rushing to get this D done and over. Yet she still insists it is the thing to do. Confusing.

Even going as far as saying let the petition expire and 'probably' file in our new state 3 months from now.




WOW^^^ HUGE POSITIVE. How'd you react?

Honestly do not remember how or if I reacted when she said this. Confused at the logic. I definitely can see how this can be a positive. I can also see how this could be a negative if you take it as just prolonging the inevitable. For all I know she sees some advantage to a D in our new state. Not saying I buy in to the negative angle, just throwing it out.

BTW, what are the rules you are not wanting to follow? Sex with OWs? Is that something you keep having to refuse? Are a lot of women throwing themselves at you or is this that incredibly chronic need you have for a woman on your arm?

I Know you deny this but it keeps flaring up as THE factor for you that you seem unable to get past. As if having someone in your life who is female and strokes your ego is the linchpin to your self esteem and raison d'être. I don't get that.

You need to self affirm better, so you don't constantly require it from her/OWs. That must have been draining for your wife and might be an issue for you to work on with your therapist. You are still seeing one or did you hire a DB coach? I SURE HOPE YOU WILL.
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I guess what I meant was she 'gets' to go out, explore the world, date, form emotional (maybe physical) relationships and compare them to what she had in a M. Cake eating. If things do not go well, or she finds herself in need (financially or emotionally) good ol pilot will be there as a fall back. Get an apt she cant afford? No biggie, pilot will pick up the slack. Live a lifestyle she cant afford? Oh pilot..... Get lonely? Call pilot. So why should those rules not apply to me as well? My thoughts are more of a ramble than a foregone decision. But the fact that the thoughts are in my head says something...

I would not boast and say I have women lining up to throw themselves at me. There does however seem to be quite a bit of interest out there in me. There is always the ex gf, (who actually showed up at my place at 2 in the morning last week nice and drunk) I have friends (close and distant) who are constantly trying to make connections with me an other single women. They even bring them around for those 'accidental meetings' so the other girl can 'check me out'. Funny stuff really, and I would be lying if I said I did not enjoy the attention. Again, it is not that I HAVE to have a R, it is just that I WANT to have one. I just sometimes feel like a vegetarian starving themselves in a butcher shop because my cabbage wants nothing to do with me. Haha, I will start calling my W a cabbage and she will have no idea why.

I get it that I am here to save my M. Well, technically speaking I am here to DB, which means I am here to work on myself and reflect on my involvement in the decline of the M. The byproduct of this process is you take a non panic based looked at your M and what you were lacking from it. Maybe I am just stuck in that part right now.

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Problem is the state she filed in is a no fault state. So any extra marital activities are irrelevant in a divorce proceeding.

how is that "a problem"?

Oh wait, I think I get it. YOU want to file and still be able to blame her...Is that it?

However, in the state we are in now (Bible Belt) affairs play a role in how a divorce plays out. I am afraid if I do decide to date, without the protection of a pending divorce, this might be used against me should I allow the petition to expire and a new one filed in this state 3 months from now.


Pilot, read this^^^ again out loud to yourself, (alone--but include the part about the "protection of a divorce" and hone in on what exactly would be "protected")

and then imagine someone else saying it and ALSO claiming they want to be married and save their family. And yet having to "protect" the sex they want to have with OWs...

DIG DEEP.......NOW, How do you REALLY feel about what you heard?

Granted, she had an A which could be used against her in this state (not sure if she really understands that). I guess I have to speak to a L in this state to see how and what I should do.

At any rate, I am just rambling and feeling frustrated...

So you want to know if you should use the affair against her NOW,

b/c you might not be able to later (In another state AND OR after you also cheat)

Maybe I was not clear. I was speaking in hypotheticals (and rambling). IF, a big IF I decided I wanted to move on and date, then I would HAVE to have a D pending in order to keep that dating from being an A. It is not about using her A against her. More about keeping her from claiming I was the one having an A.

Besides, do we not say here that filing for D, being served, and even D itself does not spell the end? That in the end, it is just a piece of paper. Who knows, maybe accepting her D petition when she may be questioning it would be the mother of all poker plays. Not saying it is my plan, but still...

Wait...PIlot, tell me, or us or YOURSELF, why are you here?

I came here because I was looking for everything I could find to help save my M. Through the DB process i have come to understand where my own shortcomings were. I also began to realize there were things in my M that I was not getting which I really wished I would have been.

This is a divorce busting site for people who want to stay married AND OR survive a divorce with their integrity intact and a bit of self esteem left.

IF that ^^ no longer describes you, then you have another decision to make.

That is kind of an unnecessary statement implying those who come to the realization the M they had to their S really is not worth pursing somehow have no integrity or self esteem.

It's just that You struck me as a "Leave no stone unturned" type of guy. But i have been wrong before.

I am a no stone left unturned kinda guy. Which means along the way I will look under every stone, including those not on par with DB principles. I will turn up stones I know have nothing underneath as well if for no other reason than to say I checked and considered every option out there.

[JCred]

Look, We ALL got frustrated. We all got lonely. Yeah, I missed the affection too. I mean, you do know you are Not the only one here who LIKES sex?

And I did NOT enjoy 24/7 parenting as if I were single, (but NOT "single" enough to date!!) for those three long years too...

,

Pilot, this was a quote from 25 on this before she reconciled. Way back in the archives.

Just sayin....

Also, several months ago, I signed up for a computer date thing and have flirted/talked with some people on it a few times.

[labug]

Where did 25 say this:

That is kind of an unnecessary statement implying those who come to the realization the M they had to their S really is not worth pursing somehow have no integrity or self esteem.

?

I think it's growth if through the process people here decide that maybe they are hanging on to something out of fear. That realization can bolster integrity and increase self-esteem.

Filing for D in order to date doesn't seem to be a part of the process, but rather driven by fear or the belief that there's something wrong with us if we're not in a R.

But maybe I misunderstand what I'm reading.

[LisaB]

Hey pilot! I think 25 made a lot of great points but I also see where you are coming from. I think sometimes we LBS get tired and frustrated, even when things are going sort of OK. Then we start looking around and thinking "do I really want to keep trying or should I take the 'easy way'?"

But we DBers know that the easy way is not so easy. That being divorced is no party and will be difficult, especially on the kids.

But yeah I get where you are coming from pilot. And I know part of it is just venting to us here, right? Telling us your thoughts, questions and concerns is good.

I too have the same questions. Should I wait around for him to wake up or go find someone else? There are plenty of fish in the sea and I love me some fish. If I had kids I would probably think differently, but maybe not. Perhaps it is also a reaction to the rejection, to want to go find someone else who will tell you how hot and funny and smart you are when your WAS has left you in the dust.

OK, rambling over. Just wanted to say I think I get it. But listen to 25!
Hugs,
LisaB

[pilot]

You are right Lisa. 25 always makes good points and she has great insight. I put a lot of weight into what she says...even if she thinks I do not

And yes, it is true there is no easy way out or escape by simply walking away. Divorce when you have kids with someone means you never really divorce. You are stuck with them for better or for worse. Hmm...where did that phrase come from?

A lot of what I type is free thought and rambling. It is tossing ideas or feelings out there if for no other reason to get em out of my head. A lot of it is confusion based as well. As much as DB tries to lay out a path to follow, sometimes I find myself lost and confused, not knowing which way to go. But, I am still here...for now

[Maybell]

Divorcing when you share kids seems to me like choosing the "for worse" part permanently and forsaking the "for better" part for forever. Seems like a bad choice.

But maybe that's just me.

[Ss06]

I hear you, Pilot. DB is pretty specific and detailed but there are still times that I find myself going "Ok, what am I supposed to do in this sitch??" Usually I find the answer is GAL and detach. LOL

I, like you, often post as a stream of consciousness and a way to work out my confusion or multiple thoughts at odds with themselves (like how there's a war going on in my head as if I have no control? Yeah, that's how it feels anyway.). This site really helps with that.


25 has a way of dialing in abruptly which, for me, is necessary. In all of the muck floating around I can't seem to see the buoy I think I'm swimming toward... she has been a HUGE help but it has had to come as HUGE 4x6s because I need it. Plus it's teaching me that I have a tendency to defend my defense and resist like it's an art form. That's me though.