Let's see how this NC goes! I feel rude not replying but I'm telling myself I'm busy having fun and I can contact him when I return home, if I feel like it!
I think you will find your feeling of rudeness will quickly be replaced with a feeling of empowerment. It is a good feeling for a LBS to have
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
So we know it has to seem like you've moved on to make the WAS wake up and realize they may have lost you. People want what they can't have.
On the other hand, how many times has my WAH said it is over and done. Should I believe what he says?
DB wisdom says don't believe what you hear and only half of what you see. So if he says it is over I'm not supposed to believe it?
So if I seem like I'm moving on and I remove myself as backup then will that change anything? or is it really over? Or is this simply the only way I'll find out?
Since I haven't heard from him today I feel less confident. But I'm going to keep moving forward with my GAL and NC.
I've been struggling all day with whether I actually want to get back together with him. Is this the guy I want to be with when I'm 80?
So, whether or not you should believe him... Probably not.
The point isn't to play games. The point is to live the life you want whether or not he's in it. The less you look like you're waiting around for him the more it changes his idea of who you are. Meanwhile, you're finding happiness again either way.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hi Maybell, yeah I see what you are saying. We LBS change our minds so the WAS could definitely change theirs as well. BD for me was around 6/15 and he moved out 6/30.
Also you are right about not playing games but to be honest I am in the fake it til you make it mode still. If I didn't 'play games' a bit then I would be showing up at his door in a trench coat and nothing else. Haha. Better that I be fake I think.
Of course I am doing my best to GAL and move on and enjoy life. But I do miss him. So when he contacts me I really want to answer!
Thanks for checking in with me. I hope you are having a good day! Hugs, Lisa
I'm having a GREAT weekend. but there is a core of anxiety where H lives because it's an uncertain situation. It's not hard to torture ourselves, is it?
Your BD is so recent that just accept that as if is the right thing and try not to worry about the future till it manifests.
Very good advice that is very hard to follow, so basically, as you were, lady, you're doing great!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yeah, Lisa, patience is the word here. Only really two months in. Be strong.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
If I didn't 'play games' a bit then I would be showing up at his door in a trench coat and nothing else.
WTH. Why weren't you my wife? :P
As for your question of when your H says its over, and done, should you believe him. The answer is right now, yes. Right now, your H truly believes your M is over. That is why you are in the situation you are in. The catch is that in time, will that still be his belief? Someone posted that something like 80% give or take WAS end up with regrets in the future. Now if that is true or not, I have no idea. But I would not be surprised if many WAS who ended up D did not have regrets once they came out of their fog.
The trick for you Lisa is to have the patience to wait out the fog your husband is in. Now, you can do nothing and wait. You can mope and cry and wait, or you can work on yourself while you wait. The idea behind DB is to work on yourself and not necessarily wait, but not rush. In other words, accept the idea your H may truly leave you. So live your life as if he is. However, do nothing that will facilitate his leaving. The idea being is your H will want to rush to D right after BD. Since these things naturally take time, many WAS begin to have natural second thoughts, and become less in a rush. If you work on yourself in a way that your H notices and contradicts his negatives about you, he begins to think that maybe you really are not as bad as he has built you up. As his fog lifts he realizes that you really are an awesome catch and realizes the error of his ways, and wants to work to get YOU back.
Of course, that is how it is SUPPOSED to work. Every situation is different. My guess is that your H will have second thoughts at some point. You are still relatively new to this. And I KNOW that stinks to hear because to you it seems like an eternity already, and you want something to happen soon. So your best course of action to keep you from watching the clock is to go GAL. Do something else besides dwell on your H and what he is doing. Otherwise it is like watching a pot of water waiting for it to boil, and keeping your hand in it at the same time. Slow and painful!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
If I didn't 'play games' a bit then I would be showing up at his door in a trench coat and nothing else.
WTH. Why weren't you my wife? :P
As for your question of when your H says its over, and done, should you believe him. The answer is right now, yes. Right now, your H truly believes your M is over. That is why you are in the situation you are in. The catch is that in time, will that still be his belief? Someone posted that something like 80% give or take WAS end up with regrets in the future. Now if that is true or not, I have no idea. But I would not be surprised if many WAS who ended up D did not have regrets once they came out of their fog.
The trick for you Lisa is to have the patience to wait out the fog your husband is in. Now, you can do nothing and wait. You can mope and cry and wait, or you can work on yourself while you wait. The idea behind DB is to work on yourself and not necessarily wait, but not rush. In other words, accept the idea your H may truly leave you. So live your life as if he is. However, do nothing that will facilitate his leaving. The idea being is your H will want to rush to D right after BD. Since these things naturally take time, many WAS begin to have natural second thoughts, and become less in a rush. If you work on yourself in a way that your H notices and contradicts his negatives about you, he begins to think that maybe you really are not as bad as he has built you up. As his fog lifts he realizes that you really are an awesome catch and realizes the error of his ways, and wants to work to get YOU back.
Of course, that is how it is SUPPOSED to work. Every situation is different. My guess is that your H will have second thoughts at some point. You are still relatively new to this. And I KNOW that stinks to hear because to you it seems like an eternity already, and you want something to happen soon. So your best course of action to keep you from watching the clock is to go GAL. Do something else besides dwell on your H and what he is doing. Otherwise it is like watching a pot of water waiting for it to boil, and keeping your hand in it at the same time. Slow and painful!
WOW, Pilot this ^^^^ is all so Very well said.
And there is a study out about divorce and in that survey,
the recipients were asked 5 YEARS AFTER a divorce that THEY had sought out, whether they believed the Divorce was "mostly a mistake" or "mostly Not" a mistake AND OR whether they'd do the same thing again, or if "knowing what they know now", whether they wished they had stayed and worked it out.
A tad over 80% of men who filed for divorce, later felt they had "mostly" made a mistake AND OR or that "they could have tried harder to make it work and knowing what they know now, they would choose to stay married"...
About bit over half of women who filed, felt they had made "mostly a mistake" AND OR that "knowing what they know now, they'd choose to stay married and make it work."
Based on the uneven number of gender, I think the average was about 75% of the total of thoose who filed, regretted it. Point is, as much as people whine about the high divorce rate here, seems to me another statistic is that most people who file for divorce REGRET - NOT the marriage -- but the divorce.
Just some food for thought.
And yes you MUST GAL or you will not detach.
And if you do Not detach,
you will go nuts, and perhaps worse is that any 180s or progress you make will be Reversed... Be as happy as you can be, as soon as you can be.
Trust what we say about how to get there, and give us feedback about what is working and what's not working to get you there Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness,
and so we all must learn to take charge of that, asap. It's needed, it's healthy and there is simply no decent alternative.
Here is a short piece on Detachment.
II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and then we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not indifference or withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am Not getting what I want, so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
