WAH - chapter 3

[pilot]

I totally get that he needs to feel that I have moved on. I just can't grasp being impolite. ha! At least I can do a week. I'll start with that.

It is not being impolite. In fact the limited times you speak with him you should be very polite and upbeat. Give every indication you are happy when you do talk to him. That is what will confuse him when you do not reply. He will be telling himself 'she is happy when we talk, but she wont always talk to me.' and 'why is she so happy?' Remember, you are not ignoring him, you are just too busy to get back with him. You are doing many important things all of which occupy your limited time. You will get to him when you have free time.

Thanks very much pilot. I know I'll be back whining about this again soon, so apologies in advance!

Haha

[Jacket]

I'm curious, when you went full NC has your H kept trying to contact you? That's what I struggle with. I can pretty much ignore him when he doesn't reach out to me, but when he does contact me I just feel so weird, rude and wrong not responding at all. I guess if I don't reply he will eventually 'get the picture' that I don't want to talk to him. How have you been handling that?

I wish that were the case, Lisa, but sadly, I have not heard BOO from my H since I went NC.

[Ss06]

Hi Lisa! I hope you're having a good day and looking forward to going out of town!

A few posts back you said

This WAS behavior is so unpredictable. Add my moody crap in there too and you have a big mess. One minute I don't want him back, the next minute I'm crying over him, the next trying to flirt with another guy... I guess I can only console myself by realizing he is probably having similar crazy swings. That would explain his unpredictable communication and behaviors.

Thinking about all this brought up more questions about what I want, what are my goals, and how I can best reach them. And my constant questioning of how friendly and in contact to be. The little bit of friendly texting is good, I feel it builds a connection and allows me to show off some 180s and GALs. But then does it also alleviate his curiosity and desire to see me in person if he can get a little dose each day? I honestly can't tell. I guess I have to keep alternating NC and friendly in a random way and see what happens.

and it really resonated with me. Today I'm very much in the "I don't want him back" mood. Yesterday I was still in the "how could he do this to me" mood. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in the "flirt mildly with other men" mood (is that ok? should I do that? no?). It's so confusing and roller-coaster-y that it's hard to figure out which way is up just from my emotions let alone all the actual crap that's going on.

I think you are amazingly quick to see when you stumble off your path and you immediately get back on which I find admirable. You really are great at that.

I don't get friendly texts. I only get "daughter related" texts. I think just the fact that you're getting light-hearted texts is a GREAT sign. You're in his head a little. I'm jealous but I'm happy for you.

Thank goodness for this board, huh, Lisa? It's a great place to work things out and get kicked back onto our paths by people who truly want what we want. How amazing is that?

[Joe1981]

Right with you on the value of this board SS. And I agree, Lisa, you seem to be doing well with self observation and righting the ship.

Stay patient ladies!

[LisaB]

Thanks Ss and Joe! Y'all are awesome!

I was feeling like I keep getting the same advice on here, especially from the guys. So I read back through my threads to see that advice again. Sure enough, I saw a lot of my whining about how do I do NC, should I be friendly or not, what do I say in response to him, what does it mean and that sort of thing. And the advice I was getting boiled down to:

-don't be too available
-show you are happy without him
-focus on yourself

I also see that I have been doing pretty well with that for the most part, with some major slip ups.

He is being friendly in order to keep me close. Which I am taking as a sign he wants to get back together. But the truth is he just doesn't know what he wants.

At this point I think I am too caught up in the moment by moment and day to day. I want this to be over NOW so I expect that any day he will call me up and say he wants me back. It has been about 2 months since BD. I think if he was going to quickly realize his mistake it would have happened in the first week or two. Since he was having a party in the pants of his coworker in the first few weeks, that didn't happen. So now I have to buckle down for the long haul since it will likely take quite a bit longer.

That means that I should move on with my life and not think about him every minute. That means maybe I do not need to get so obsessed over each communication opportunity. If we reunite it will be in months or years from now. He is on his journey, dating, experiencing being single, finding out who he is. As much as that is horrible for me, it gives me time to focus on my own life.

We have a few mutual friends who have recently reunited with partners that they split with months or years ago. I look at these couples and wonder what happened? Why did they split? Why did they reunite? I see some similarities with my current situation. But I know that it took time for the WAS to get to the place where THEY changed and wanted to reunite. They had to wake up from their foggy state and realize that the person they were originally with was amazing, but that took time, space and dating others. During this time the LBS was able to stay in touch with the WAS while still moving on with their life.

My takeaway from this is that I need to move on with my life. Don't stress about his every move, let him go about his business. Just be awesome myself. If he realizes that he made a mistake he will let me know.

That's my epiphany for the day. Stay tuned for the rollercoaster to throw us all for another loop!

Hugs to all, LisaB

[Maybell]

That's a good epiphany, Lisa, and one I needed to hear.

I'm still really angry and disgusted with my H and not sure I could ever forgive him for leaving. But he's not asking me to right now so I can just go have a great life and quit worrying about it.

Thanks for the guidance.

[LisaB]

Big hug to you Maybell. Crappy times on the rollercoaster.

[Joe1981]

Lisa,
Good to remember that. As 25yearsmlc 2x4ed me on earlier, just look at the timeline on some of the success stories around here. You're at just past 2 months, I'm at like 3 1/2...we're still both, barring some major luck, probably only just beginning our journey.

Try to remember that what you're doing is for you, no matter what happens w/ the M.

Stay strong. Which you are, so that shouldn't be too hard.

[SunnyB]

I'm still really angry and disgusted with my H and not sure I could ever forgive him for leaving. But he's not asking me to right now so I can just go have a great life and quit worrying about it.

I think this is going to sum it up perfectly the day H moves out. I'll hate him for it. And he won't care.

[stacey9]

I have days when I am filled with hate and anger, and other days I am just so incredibly sad. But every day I still want him back, irrespective of all he's done.

It's true though, this board has been a lifesaver for me. On my down days, I read through all of your inspirational posts and advice and I think - yes I can really do this! I am going to be okay!