Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[CaliGuy]

Yeah ... Had that discussion today with WAW about hindsight, how I would do so much differently now that my own fog has been lifted ... reading the DB book I do think I hit a point where she has seen I have gone through an awakening without me verbally telling her so

Its good you reflect back, it will help you cope with how you got here .... rather than that dazed look we all had when we swore that a Semi Truck just rolled through our living rooms

Keep at it ... Pray her fog lifts and she can see that good version of you that you are now working on!

[BigMac]

Journalling -

More introspection as I await the WAW to fly back tomorrow to pack up her stuff.

In the past I was

Codependant
Controlling
High Anxiety
Needy
Insecure
Mean / Passive agressive
Not the best dad.

I didn't care about her needs, only my own
I could only find fault in her, not me

Over the past months she has been gone, I have changed. I hope she is ready to see it.

[ItHurts]

Hey Big Mac, it is a big step to show your WAW your changes and she will notice them in time if she hasn't already. My WAW has seen all of mine now, everything from my appearance, to my changed behaviors, to the rekindled passion she thought long dead.
However as much as we are inclined to make these changes to "get our WAW's back," as many will tell you, you have to make the changes for you yourself...they need to be something you do for you and your life, not just to get back your WAW, that happens on its own and is part of it, but shouldn't be the purpose. That is my only saving grace in my sitch, that I actually have a life without WAW now. People were saying "fake it til you make it" and that really does work. Of course I am sad and heartbroken, just as you are, but making changes for yourself as DB'ing helps you do really does make the difference...it's like a safety net when things go wrong with WAW, you have your own life without her to fall back on. Not only that, but you don't want to bring your problems into a possible new relationship with someone else either...you don't want history to repeat itself. That's another reason to really work on yourself. I try to whenever I can and if I backslide you just dust yourself off and carry on.

[BigMac]

Thanks ItHurts.

She has been 1800 miles away, I'm not sure she even has the opportunity to notice. At the start of this, I was changing for her. But through it, well.... I have been alone three months now. I have been broken, started to rebuild myself, I've been there for the kids as much as I can, and I've been there for myself.

I've started living again, though bouts of fear and anxiety still overwhelm me at times. I'm down about 15 lbs (I wish I was down more, but considering all the stress and travel... I'm good with that). I've cut out caffeine, hard liquor (I rarely drink even a beer anymore).

The most important thing, I got treatment for some Trauma issues I had as a child, and then as a Marine. I'm 1000 times calmer now. Hell, I am handling separation (and the fear of divorce), job change (company got acquired), and moving without breaking down.

In the past if I was in this situation I would have an anxiety attack and just freak.

And now, I am picking up the W a the airport tomorrow at 10:30. She is coming over to pack stuff and drive a uhaul across America to Tx. I am hopeful that we can continue to improve our relations, though fearful that the OM I believe is in the picture may be top of her mind.

My hope is that she is using him as a buffer, a temporary toy to keep her busy. One of our friends called him a "Beta". Easily pushed around, not strong willed, not driven. Basically the opposite of me. I hope that when she see's me strong that it will trigger something in her.... hoping...

[ItHurts]

Well it's funny how you closed out that post Big Mac because my WAW, when she confessed to the entire ordeal with OM when she was here for two days...she did mention something about the OM being the complete opposite of me...and that she somehow craved that at the time. So maybe it's no coincidence that your WAW's OM is the opposite of you. Just a guess on my part and not based in fact. Yeah it is hard for WAW to see your changes when she is far away. I was fortunate that my WAW kept contacting me and making "pop in" appearances after she moved out. However you are with your WAW now so perhaps she will get an eyeful of your changes today! Good luck and keep your chin up...you are not alone as I keep telling you. The pain is awful, I know, almost unbearable at times...but hang in there.

[BigMac]

Update after 2 days with the WAW.

I am on my best behavior, being calm and kind. This is the first time she has seen me for any length of time in months.

I did slip while driving with her and talk about R. She says how happy she is, and how low stress her life is (I have had the kids, every bill, etc. She has her new job which is pretty stressful and her OM).

I am being kind and compassionate, and we are teaming up to move stuff.

We got into a bit of R talk, and she basically said she hasn't talked to me at all this summer and is so happy. I know they say to not listen to anything she says, and 50% of what she does. But it still hurts to hear that she isn't interested in even thinking of me, or working on anything (when she first left, we were supposed to start therapy 30 days after a break... then OM came...)

So, here I am. I gave everything up for her and the kids. I am trying to hold it together... Luckily I know to walk outside if I am feeling emotional, phone a friend, etc.

A couple interesting things though

1. Last night she fell asleep in our bed for a time (after saying that she was going to sleep in D16's room). She did wake up around midnight and move into her room which woke me up. I got up and told her sweet dreams.

2. This morning I told W that I was going to the local breakfast place, and that she could come if she wanted. She agreed, and we had good conversation. An interesting thing that I noticed as I was walking out - She had already had a bowl of cereal. I think she went for my company .

3. We are having to have conversations around division of stuff. I am being pretty cool about letting her take whatever she wants. The area's that there were conflicts around we were able to agree to share, or let the other borrow.

I like this new interaction, where we are being kind to each other. I wish we would have been like this before the split.

Also, the conversation came up about her going cold turkey on Antidepressants and ADHD meds 2 weeks into school. This event triggered a breakdown for me, as she completely changed. I had no clue what happened. I did tell her that I wish I would have known. I would have had more empathy.

She blames me for having to take Antidepressants, she may be right.

Either way, each day is a new day. I'm afraid that her new life is so great that with me in the same town, along with the kids there that I am going to get the blame for everything getting stressful again. But, all we can do is live in the present.

On a positive note, I got a call from one of the leaders at work. I had been really worried that my absence from work was going to affect my career (it did affect one promotion already). Apparently though someone higher (I'm actually starting to get my faith back again) is looking out for me.

It looks like I may be chairing a committee at work for a massive transition. This is a huge thing for me, and while not an immediate promotion, it provides the opportunity to transform engineering across a 23,000 person company. Before some of my life changes from this horrible separation I don't think I would have been mentally ready.

I'm not perfectly sure I am ready right now. But I am working in the right direction.

Fingers crossed that the WAW doesn't do anything crazy after the move. I'm worried that it will take me down.

[BigMac]

Well, i'm out her in Texas now. Still have to go back to the old house and pack a few more things ... yet another 2,000 bucks to spend moving her stuff.

My frustration levels are high. She only see's me as a bank account to fund her new life. Now that she has the kids, and most of her stuff. Well, she has what she wants. (not me)

[BigMac]

Funny,

I just flipped through a folder I had named "happy couple pictures" I noticed that they were all from over a year ago...

[BigMac]

So, update for everyone.

I am in Austin now. The W is her too. Her life (at least financially) is a train wreck.

She is dealing with a huge amount of anxiety, and having attacks. It is weird, for this entire time, I thought I was the crazy one. Maybe I was, but I've spent so much time working on me so far, that I am not right now.

She has progressed down to Divorce paperwork. So, DB'ing didn't do any good so far, but hey what is the hurt of keeping up the work.

Myself, after seeing a divorce petition I felt kind of free. I was sooo afraid of that moment, that when it came.. well I was numb to the pain and the fear.

I can honestly say that I have been doing everything I possibly can to save my marriage, and she has done absolutely nothing. Even if our marriage doesn't work out at all I can look back at my own self through this summer and be proud.

[bashy]

Heh big mac. I've been following your thread for a while now and honestly my friend you are doing brilliantly well. Your focus and determination is to be congratulated. Btw remember, it's a marathon and not a sprint so even though you are were u are right now with W it sounds like her life isn't to great after all, whereas you are doing well. Trust me, she will have noticed that!! Keep strong!!