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ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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Quote:
You're still predicting the future, which is worse than a waste of time. Just be still.

And if you want an opinion, you are in no place to be dating. It seems like a cliche that men immediately want to fill the void with the next person. It keeps them from having to heal.

Moving forward is not the same as moving on.


Hi Adinva! Just so I know and recognize it, where am I predicting the future? I have no idea what's going to happen in the future. So I don't mean to predict anything. As far as dating goes, I am not looking to be serious with anyone...just some ladies to talk to and have some fun with is all. Most of the time I go out with my old friends though so I don't date very often at all.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
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Quote:
it didn't end the way I had hoped it would, but it definitely ended the way I expected it to


What I hear in that is wanting to be in control of the outcome. You didn't get what you wanted, but at least you called it...you predicted and expected it.

Why do you feel the need to declare that this has ended at all?

Predicting may make you feel more control over your situation, but it is an illusion, and it makes it harder to be open to whatever comes.

I think of moving forward as living a happy fulfilled life independent of her, improving the things that might have contributed to the marriage breakdown, healing, keeping the path clear to reconciliation as long as that option is desirable to you.

I think of moving on as declaring Game Over and spackling the hole in your heart with new female attention. Picking up your ball and going home.

Why I think it's too soon for you to be dating: (1) I don't think you've given enough time to recover from the grief and shock of your 18 year marriage breaking up, (2) I think you need time to figure out who you are as a single person after 18 years, rather than seeking validation from a new lady, (3) I suspect it's more tempting than you're prepared for, to spackle over the hurt from your divorce with a new relationship when one of your just-for-fun dates falls for you, (4) your W has expressed a lot more ambivalence about ending things than most WAS's around here ever do...why not sit still for a while?

If I were you I would not be putting my life on hold for her, but I wouldn't be dating because I wouldn't be healed enough to move on yet.

Way more than two cents. Your mileage may vary.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Excellent post Adinva and I appreciate your time to type it. Yes I guess you are right, it sure does make all of this easier when women come onto me. I guess that's just spackle on the hole as you say.

Yes, I do understand that my WAW has a lot more uncertainty than most. Many people who know us have been telling me that she acts like it was me who left her. So I know she didn't have it easy in making this decision to leave me. I am not closing the door on her however, I am friends with her and we will be keeping in touch and I will indeed be watching to see how things go...because of my WAW's unusual WAW ambivalence. I've noticed it too but for now I am letting her do her thing, supporting her 100%, and just being there for her. She just sent me an e-mail a few minutes ago that says this...

"Thanks again for this morning...and all your care and concern lately. I am sorry for all that I have done. I wish you all the best of everything. If I don't make it to a happy place in my life and I just fade out....always know I loved you and you are a wonderful man and you did the best by me that you could."

I replied with a very friendly and supportive message for her. I will definitely do my best to avoid any women right now but I have to tell you it's very hard to do that when it feels so good. I will say I am honest with women, I tell them right up front my sitch so there's no secrets, that way they can make up their own minds if they still want to see me. Thanks so much again for your replies and your time. I take it to heart.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
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This follow up reply from WAW just came in...

"I'll be OK.......just very emotional today and having trouble even accomplishing the smallest tasks. I feel like such a piece of [censored]. BUT it will pass...............................just need to cry it out and let it go.
If I don't make it though......if I just give up always know I love you."


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
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Wow, its your sitch...but from that message I am having a hard time not mind reading for you. Just really seems like she is trying for attention or wants you to talk some more.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

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Originally Posted By: Bunches
Wow, its your sitch...but from that message I am having a hard time not mind reading for you. Just really seems like she is trying for attention or wants you to talk some more.

EXACTLY Bunches! This is how it goes with her and this is why the vets here always want to strangle me...this is the reason I flip-flop. This is why I decided to post her exact words here...as I did in my previous Part III thread...so people can read exactly what I read from now on. It's like we come to an agreement, and then even that doesn't make her happy. I told her I supported her 100%, that I forgave her, and that we will be friends just like she wanted. Then messages like this come in. Glad you kind of understand why I screw up/backslide alot as of late.


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
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This is not the right time for you to jump in and save the day.

You could say that you're sorry she's hurting.
You could say that you really hope that she'll talk with a counselor and take good care of herself.

You should not say more than that. Really, she needs to get professional help, and she probably needs to come to that conclusion herself. You can't rescue her from this, but you can hear and validate her feelings. You really need to become detached, so she can make an independent decision about what she needs.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Posts: 366
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I'm not an expert, so you should probably listen to Advina. I think "for you" that is absolutely sound advice. It just sounds like she is dealing with serious depression problems and I have to wonder if she is getting help. Obviously I don't know her and I don't know what the right thing to say is but its sounds like a cry for attention and when those are ignored, it generally gets worse.

Sorry, if I'm being counter productive.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

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I am going to chime in here, and respectfully disagree with a couple of things. These are just my opinions and by no means do I wish to detract from the advice already given.

That being said....

F your W. You are getting played. She is turning you into the ultimate Plan B. It is true she may have things to work out with herself. And it is true she may be confused. But she seems clear headed enough to throw you just enough to have you convinced she will 'come running back to you once her head gets clear' and hope you are still around. What she wants is to go off and have this Florida experience. You better believe she is looking for a better life without you in it. She wants you to be her support while she is looking for it as well. I am not saying she does not still love you, or does not have strong feelings for you. But she has been clear, as I think you recognize, she does not at this moment see her life and your life meshed together as a couple. So drop her and move on.

You were given the advice not to date, as you are not ready. I say forget that. Go out there and date. Nothing says you have to be serious, or find your next wife right away. But go out, have a good time, and if you find someone who has potential, go with it. I know you are hurting, but just like with a physical injury, the best therapy is to use what ever it is that got hurt.

I was an advocate of you not having that talk. I still think you should not have. Only because YOU lay your cards out there with 100% honesty. And you have to trust she is doing the same. Not a fair game. She knows where you are, and you know where she wants you to think she is. Moving on is your only option at this point. And as much as I feel your pain on this, you have to believe in your heart and mind that there is another person out there for you. Moping around the house under the guise of 'healing' does not help. Kind of like having kids. Everyone says they want to wait till they are ready to have kids. But who is really ready?

I am not saying go cold turkey on your W right now either. But I would definitely wind things down at YOUR own pace, and at a pace that makes it easiest for YOU. So when she calls up crying a few weeks after she gets there (which she will if for no other reason to keep you on the fringe) you can have that detachment. She needs to know her decisions have consequences. At this point, it is NOT you who is throwing your M away, she did.

I hate to seem cold or mean spirited, but you have been through a rough time, and you deserve to be free of this cycle.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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