Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

It's still early, and already it's been a rough morning.

The other day, I got some potentially not good work news - basically, I could have fewer hours when I start back than I have in the past and I already don't make a whole lot of money. On top of that, there are some other work related problems that need dealing with.

I'm upset for a few reasons. Normally I'd talk through these things with H., and he's not here. Despite all the other issues, he was good at rationalizing with me and helping me to calm down when I was anxious about something. I miss that immensely and realising that has me crying something fierce right now.

I'm also feeling really annoyed that he's gone off at a time when I could use backup. I feel like he got a four year vacation and caring for two people certainly cost more than caring for just one. I don't even know if he has a job, but I keep romanticizing his life now and imagining that he does and that he's moving on with some great new life while I'm stuck here trying to figure out what my options are and how to get by.

On the other hand, it's possible if he were still here that he still wouldn't get a job, so I guess there's no guarantee that he would have been backup. And, monthly costs were definitely a good bit more expensive when he was here, so at least I can cut back.

Finally, I'm annoyed more with myself, I guess, because some of these things I probably could have caught a bit earlier and helped to fix, at least a little. I won't go into much detail here, but I've been so distracted that I didn't notice some administrative screw ups. Really, I shouldn't have to catch their mistakes, but I'm kicking myself for not checking in earlier.

These last few days have felt awful - far, far worse than the first few days. Dealing with work stuff feels really difficult, and every issue feels absolutely huge at this point. I'm trying to fix things on my own and doing what I need to do, but it's so hard doing it without H. to talk to about things, and while dealing with my own emotional state.

[Meghan]

That was a rough morning, but I decided to GAL and take care of myself and I'm feeling a good deal better. I had a phone call with my parents and tea with a friend before settling in to get some work done and apply for a few side jobs, just in case, and actually taking some steps left me feeling a good bit more in control of the situation.

Talking it over with a friend also helped me to remember that as much as I might miss specific things about H. right now, there's a lot that would have to change for us to have a chance at making it work. To be honest, I don't even know if we have a shot right now, but that might be the feelings of pain and loss talking. It all feels very definite and no contact is hard sometimes, particularly when I realise that he's in a different country, has no reason to contact me, and seems to think that this isn't fixable.

I plan to spend the rest of the day doing a bit more work, tidying and making the apartment mine, and then getting out for a games night. It's hard to do things right now, especially when I feel like I might cry at any second, but I think it's important to get out and do things, so I'm going to give it a go.

[Meghan]

My mornings seem to be getting rougher. I wake up every morning and cry. Sometimes (okay, often) I cry through the day, too. It's difficult to do the things that need to be done.

It's also hard to remember the not great things about the relationship. There were quite a few of them, but all I seem to remember these days is the good stuff, and it leaves me feeling an incredible sense of loss.

If anyone has any suggestions about how to deal with these feelings or what I should be doing with myself, I'm all ears.

[Maybell]

Just power through it. As time goes by the mornings will get easier. I know it's hard to believe, but they will. And as you make more and more independent decisions about how to move your life forward, you will start to think "that's something I could never have done while we were together" and it will become easier to remember the things you didn't love about the relationship.

For what it's worth, he's still the first thought I have in the mornings, but I don't cry unless circumstances combine to be overwhelming. It's more like resigned sadness and missing him, a hole in my heart that I can feel but that doesn't weigh me down like it used to.

Good luck!!!

[Mike559]

Hang in there. You are not alone with those feelings. As time goes on, I've noticed that things are a mixed bag. It's easy for the negative emotions from the R to carry more weight, but like you, when the positive qualities come to the surface, is when I have the toughest time as well.

[Meghan]

Thanks, all.

I seem to most often get stick on the idea that somehow he's found his way into a wonderful, amazing life without me - lost more weight, got a good job, found a nice apartment, and is living it up in his city of choice and possibly spending time with his online friend.

These are all things that I wanted for us (well, except the online friend), and that I'm upset didn't happen when we were together. I feel like it could have happened, too, but there were reasons why it didn't, and a lot of them were practical.

I realise I'm probably romanticizing a good deal right now. The images of this wonderful life are just my own creations, but they're there all the same. I feel like I should have had a wonderful life with him, and that we could have had one. And I still want that life with him, even if it takes effort and work. I just have no idea how to get there at this point.

[Old Dog]

I think a lot of us have similar thoughts Meghan. We can all empathise with you which is a new experience for my emotionaly almost dead heart.

Concentrate on your breath. Listen and feel yourself breathing in, wait a few seconds, and do the same breathing out. If you find your mind wandering, come back to your breath again. You can't cancentrate on your breath and thoughts at the same time. This is mindfullness: adventures in the present moment. Everything else is in the past or future and are just thoughts.

An check out my resources for feeling better. There are some quick things you can do on there like counting backwards from 100 in sevens to take your mind of it.

[LisaB]

Hi Meghan, I too have similar thoughts and some of them are based in reality. My WAH is making changes in his life that are what I wanted him/us to do and in the same breath he says that we have different goals and dreams. He is living MY secret dreams for us, and saying that I do not share them. It blows.

But know that chances are your H is not doing fantastic and having a better life. And it sounds like you are truly the fantastic one of the two of you!

Stay strong!
Hugs, Lisa

PS: Old Dog, those are terrific resources for stopping bad thoughts. I need them. Thanks!

[Meghan]

Those are really great resources, Old Dog - I'm going to have a go at a few of them tonight. You've also reminded me that I should start up that mindfulness meditation practice that I've been talking about. Thank you, and I hope that your heart recovers eventually.

Lisa, it's hard when the changes seem to be based in reality. I've seen the changes he's made, and it's hard to not question how he can be doing the very things I've been suggesting for years. It feels, to me anyway, like the fact that he's doing them makes it very clear that it wasn't that he couldn't do them before, but that he chose not to.

Even more frustrating? Once, in counseling, he was talking about his online friend and how he needed someone on his side who would support him in the changes he was making because I didn't want him to make good changes for himself. He started making changes right when he found his online friend. This made me think he was having an EA and I freaked out a bit. He took my concerns as an indication that I didn't want him to improve himself and wasn't supporting him.

But for years, I've offered to help him look for jobs, do an elimination diet, count calories, cook healthier meals, and work out a running and exercise program. Did he ever take me up on it? No. So not only did he make changes that he's never had an interest in making within our relationship, but he claimed I don't want him to be better, I didn't support him, and that he needed an online friend to be on his side when I've actually been trying to support him in doing these things for the whole of our marriage.

Maddening. Absolutely maddening.

[Meghan]

As a reminder to myself, here are just some of the ways that life is better now that I'm living on my own:

I sleep in the bedroom, not on a futon on the living room, and I ordered a new queen bed that's due to come next week.

I can eat what I want without having to cater to someone else's tastes and perceptions about what makes a filling meal.

The dishes get done every night before bed (okay, almost every night...)

I watch a good deal less TV and read and listen to audio books more.

Some of the bills are reduced and I can work on getting them down further.

The living room is a real living room again and not a sleeping annex.

I'm vegetarian again and I get to eat all the beans I want.

I can have people over any time.

I can buy whatever furniture and housewares I want and arrange them any way that I please.

I can't say that these things make up for the loss of companionship and what good things I thought we had, but I think they do suggest - once again - that there were underlying problems that would need to be dealt with if we made any kind of a move towards reconciling.

I really do feel a lot more freedom now than I expected. In our last session (I went solo), my MC said that people often get used to difficult things in their life over time and come to see them as normal. In many cases, those things keep getting worse, or more things get added into the mix, because we're so good at adapting. Looking at it now, there are quite a few things on that list that I don't think I fully recognized the problematic nature of until I didn't do them anymore.