More confused than ever

[JCred]

He ended up calling me and asking me to come out side and talk.

Good for you. This again shows you ARE trying. People who aren't trying don't go out to talk do they?

It also shows that what you are doing IS WORKING. He called you.. He apologized to YOU.. AGAIN...

He wasn't doing that when you were telling him how much you loved and cared for him was he? So, that means what you have been doing is WORKING.. (holding back and being strong and making him do the work)(even though behind the scenes you ARE working...) That's exactly the way to do it.. Great job..

Don't change what works. Keep this path for now.

We had a really nice long talk about everything.

This again shows you are trying. This again shows you are a good woman. When someone says they had a "nice" long talk, that is a person who doesn't sound bitter in the least. It sounds to me like a couple of people making slow steady progress.

Do what works........

I told him him talking to her, her family, or anything to do with them is mom negotiable for me and to just prepare for a divorce at that point.

Perfect reply again.... Confident, strong, firm and yet not the least bit mean. It is also saying AGAIN that you ARE trying.

Great great job T.... You really need to just keep listening to your own heart and mind here because you certainly are doing all the things that are pointing you in the right direction.... Allow him to grow up here. Observe, keep your cards close to your vest. You will know when you can give him more of yourself. You won't need us to tell you that because none of us know. I trust your judgement.

And remember.. Always be nice...

[woundedfool]

We had a really nice long talk about everything. He agreed to writing a no contact letter to the boss, boss's wife and the daughter. I told him it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE for me because he said he planned on telling the boss in person. I said how do I know you will say what you do? I feel more comfortable it being in a letter I know is sent and received.

I told him him talking to her, her family, or anything to do with them is mom negotiable for me and to just prepare for a divorce at that point.

Of course this should be done AFTER he gets his final paycheck.

[T384]

Oh yes definitely

[woundedfool]

TO, I was re-reading your thread last night, and this hit me like a ton of bricks... But what is wrong about the below quote from you?

I just said I really can't even think of moving forward with any part of her in your life. It's not fair to me or the boys. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want.

Sorry TO, but I am going to keep hammering you on this...

How is the homework coming?

[T384]

Is it too bossy?

Homework is coming along slowly but surely. Super busy with work.

[woundedfool]

I shouldn't have to tell you what to do.

Is it too bossy?

No... You are mind-reading him, that he should know to mind-read you. Yes, the dreaded "double mindread" I know of no human, let alone pair of humans who have that ability.

Homework is coming along slowly but surely. Super busy with work.

Good, I just want you on top of it. Small suggestion, if he is spending more time with the kids, take a day just for yourself, and take a bath, read, enjoy the day with no distractions.

[T384]

He has been spending time with the boys a lot while I'm at work but when I'm free he is trying to spend a lot of time with me

we watched a movie last night and I must have fallen asleep. I woke up at 5 for work and he was sleeping next to me. I woke him up and told him he needed to go to the couch lol. I don't want to confuse the boys

I am going out wih some friends tonight and staying the night out. H knows this and was asking if he could come see me tonight. I told him I would just see him tomorrow.

[T384]

Today as part of my GAL I completed our mud volleyball tournament that my hospital sponsored, it was soo much fun! H has had the boys

I am really struggling and I know this is where C is going to come in and I've been re-reading DR (I don't have DB and I actually liked DR better than DB when I read them awhile back)

I don't know I can let go of H and OW. I found out he took her away on vacations and to places where he and I would take the boys. It is a kick in the stomach. We were supposed to take the boys out tonight (first time the 4 of us since he left in February) and I honestly told him I don't know that I can go after finding this other stuff out. I don't know how to deal. We have counseling Friday.

Oh and the response I always get from H is - there is nothing I can do about the past and the mistakes I've made. The only thing I can help is this day forward and try my best to prove to you that I am sorry and I will never do it again

[sandi2]

I suppose I am the last person who should respond, since I can't say I know how you feel. I have tried to imagine the horrible pain the betrayed spouse experiences, but I realize it doesn't begin to scratch the surface. So please don't look at my post like I am saying any such thing. I wanted you to know someone is out here today, reading what you've stated......and I am so sorry for your pain.

There must be so much anger involved in learning more "details" of their A. Did you ask him a question that led to him telling you about their vacations? I have read some posts where it seemed the LBW had a much harder time getting it out of her head after she had details revealed.

I remember one case where the H honestly answered every question she had. And she continued asking him more & more, until that was all that filled her mind 24/7. Even though he was through with the OW and ready to R the M......the LBW simply could not let it go. She had wanted nothing more than for her WAH to end his A and return home. So, he ended the A, and she assured him she had forgiven him of everything....and he went back home to proceed with their lives. However, she could not leave it alone, and found no peace. Even though it ate away at her insides, she would ask him more questions about the A. She became so focused on what her H and OW did, that it consumed her. Even when she wouldn't ask him a question, she would wonder, "Did OW cook this dish for him". "Did he take her to see that movie?" "Did she do something sexual that I haven't?". On and on , until it robbed her of any peace. And, it would make her mad b/c he had apparently put it all out of his mind and it wasn't bothering him. He was remorseful, but seems he was able to put it behind him.....and that seem to irrate her. They should have taken things slowly......and didn't. They should have had counseling......and didn't. She should have stayed with DBing......and didn't.

I think you are hearing too much and before you are emotionally prepared. Perhaps he needs,to wait until the MC can guide the conversation. Or, you may even have to tell your H you can't hear anymore about "them" until the two of you are in a better place with each other. Maybe you will be better off never hearing any more, IDK. Everyone is different.

I have learned that marriage is pretty much an ongoing state of forgiveness. Sometimes the offenses are much more critical than others. But if we don't learn how to forgive our spouse, it will be an ongoing state of misery for both. Forgiveness is crucial for your own peace of mind, whether you stay M to him or not. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. He doesn't deserve to iniliate his family and then have another chance with them. He doesn't deserve your love, .......or anything else. But this is not for him. It is for you.

I am so sorry you have this new pain added,to what was already there. I hope you are doing something as a type of outlet for your emotions.

(hugs)

[Maybell]

^^^^^^^
That should be stickied.