More confused than ever

[woundedfool]

I know I want to save our M. I really do. I'm just afraid to admit that to you. I'm afraid to fall back into our old habits. I want to see that you are serious about making this work. I don't feel comfortable just telling you I'm willing to try after a week of you asking.

I would tell him exactly the above quote (I did change the quote a bit).

I think it is important that you need to have a marriage where he is happy, and you are happy and the entire unit is happy (maybe not sunshine and lollipops everyday, but at least not mad/sad/trapped).

[T384]

So when do I say that? Do I wait until counseling? I work mon-thurs next week so we may go Friday but more likely not until the following week


And any thoughts on him offering to move into the house to be on the couch so I can quit my second job? I know not to do that right now but how long until that is reasonable IF that's the route I want to go

[sandi2]

He said he thought she was what he wanted but he could not see that she wasn't until she was out of his life. He said it took him getting his own place and getting away from that situation in it's entirety to realize what he was doing and had lost. He said he went from trying to win her back to talking with a counselor at one session that opened his eyes to the fact that she wasn't what he was fighting for. He said from that day forward (almost 2 weeks ago) he realized that she just filled the void and helped him escape our issues instead of dealing wth them.

I wonder if it was her leaving him that sent him to a counselor, or his confusion?  Either way, as long as he has come to realize the truth and what he really wants in his life.

I could see some softening the week or so before we went to dinner. Offering to take care of house stuff etc. except at this point I was consumed in attention from OM  

Okay, good.  He was probably in the waking up process then.

And it bothers me he wanted to stay at his job unless I committed to fixing things.

Maybe that's a man thing.  I mean, I have learned by reading post from LBH's that they want to know the answer before they do the action. They want to know if the W will commit to working on the M before he puts all that effort into it.  So, I guess it would make sense that a WAH would too.  (Sigh.....men!)  
  

He sent me a text yesterday saying I can't wait to get out of this place. I can't believe I never saw what you saw for the last couple years. I can't believe I thought they were my friends. This place is just hell. My boss told me just to give it time and hopefully his daughter and I can work it out. He said once he said that it hit me like a ton of bricks as to what I've done and what you saw that I couldn't see and I'm sorry. 

As crazy as it may sound to the rational person, I can believe he's truthful.  I look back on my experience and wonder how I could have been so blind and stupid! It's all part of the "condition" or state of mind the WAS is in at that time.  Not excusing it by any means, it is what it is. When he begins to wake up (and even if some wake up at a faster pace than others), he won't necessarily see everything clearly that transpired the past two years.  He may not recall things as you do, and may even argue about some things. It is called a fog for a reason.  


 

[woundedfool]

and any thoughts on him offering to move into the house to be on the couch so I can quit my second job? I know not to do that right now but how long until that is reasonable IF that's the route I want to go

A few things you are putting the cart before the horse. Zero chance I would even consider that right now, I don't want to set a time line, but think several months, at least into the new year.

And you don't ask but finances should be TOTALLY separate for at least a year (maybe even forever).

He also should be helping out with the expenses for the household.

Did your L ever come up with a separation agreement.

[JCred]

He said he went from trying to win her back to talking with a counselor at one session that opened his eyes to the fact that she wasn't what he was fighting for.

The above quote is what this is all about T. He got DUMPED.
He didn't dump her, she dumped him. Big difference. If he would have dumped her then it would be easier to believe him wanting to be back with you........ BUT that isn't what happened.It has nothing to do with him moving into the apartment. He was getting that apartment to be with HER. Suddenly he was going to be alone when she dumped him.

THAT is why he went through the issue that he is claiming he went through at the apartment. He was dumped and with nobody. He went to counseling to win her back. THAT alone shows how much he wanted her.... He probably pushed her and smothered her until she told him flat out it was over.

THEN he woke up...


He is in panic mode because you let go. Of course he is going to say all the right things. That's what they do when they have nobody else.



You are doing great T. Great
I believe you should continue on exactly as you are. Think these things through just as you are doing. He NEEDS to go through this crisis to grow. If you don't allow him to grow, then the next time a young good looking woman comes along, he WILL do the same thing.

You don't have to say things you don't feel. What you are doing is WORKING. Michelle says to do what works.

It isn't up to us what you do. It isn't our decision. This is YOUR decision. Please don't take that he acts like he is Mr. Husband of the year now as he is a changed man. As you can see from this site, when someone is in a crisis they always say they have changed. It's the crisis that pushed them to that. They are in panic and will do ANYTHING to get you back.

Be careful. Be wise. Just as you have been in the last few weeks. What turned this around is he got dumped, you let go and he thought he was going to lose you both if he didn't make a move back to you. Remember, big difference in who did the dumping. If he would have dumped her, then what he is saying would be more believable. That isn't the case here. You are wise to have your guard up. You would be wise to keep it up and let him go through this having to put some work in to earn it. Sit back and let him grow. Be observant.

You don't need to make any decisions right now if you aren't sure. You ARE giving him a chance. You met with him when he asked. You have been honest with him. You called and asked him to meet you when you were out the other night and a number of other small things to show you are still hanging in there. Too much too soon can be fatal to a relationship.

And remember.. Always be nice...

[T384]

Sandi - I believe it was them breaking up that sent him to the C. And I hope he is being truthful

Tonight I was setting up something on his phone for him and it automatically loads all of your contacts into the app. Her name pops up first. It was like a punch in the stomach. I passed him his phone and said are you kidding. I was quiet and told him I thought it would. Be best that he went home. He apologized a few minutes later and said he deleted her off everything he said 'I don't think about her I didn't even think about her number still being in my phone'. I just said I really can't even think of moving forward with any part of her in your life. It's not fair to me or the boys. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want.

Wounded - no my lawyer didn't draft up a legal separation. I didn't even think about it to be honest. H is returning all the vehicles and has agreed to let me sell them. He made his attorney aware so it could be communicated with my attorney so that should we proceed with divorce it will not be held against me.

Money wise and child visitation I figured we could work out ourselves now that he is not in the fog anymore. He has already been more than helpful etc. we will see.

I'm keeping finances separate. Part of me wants him to move back in in the next couple months so I can quit this second job for when I start school in January. I know the motives have to be right though.

[woundedfool]

Tonight I was setting up something on his phone for him and it automatically loads all of your contacts into the app. Her name pops up first. It was like a punch in the stomach. I passed him his phone and said are you kidding. I was quiet and told him I thought it would. Be best that he went home. He apologized a few minutes later and said he deleted her off everything he said 'I don't think about her I didn't even think about her number still being in my phone'. I just said I really can't even think of moving forward with any part of her in your life. It's not fair to me or the boys. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want

Ouch.... yea, that's a tough one.

I 100% agree, pretty dumb move not getting her out of the phone. It does show a lack of for thought on his part. I think you made the right move by asking him to go home for the night.

Moving forward, I think that would be a good boundary to set. Something to the tune of: I did not appreciate you still having her number in your phone. When I saw it it made me feel like you still had intentions of communicating with her.

More of a question: didn't someone post or mention a method of H & W writing a don't contact me letter to OM/OW that is then sent by the the LBS?

[JCred]

He apologized a few minutes later and said he deleted her off everything he said 'I don't think about her I didn't even think about her number still being in my phone'. I just said I really can't even think of moving forward with any part of her in your life. It's not fair to me or the boys. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want.

BINGO.. You are GOOD T.... Fantastic job again...

I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want

You should be teaching US things T.. You nailed the perfect response again. Very good....

He is LYING to you. We know that he knows that number was still in there T. I would be cautious. RED FLAG written all over what you found. He still may have a thing for her. Remember SHE dumped him.

Stay observant. He has lied before and he could be lying again. He knows he can't tell you his deep inner feelings for her if he has them. He may just not want to be alone... Some people hate being alone and would rather be with someone even if they don't really deep down want them, than be with nobody. Has he ever shown that he can live without a woman in his life? HHHMMMMM????? Think about that.

Keep up the good work. You should be the one giving advice on here. You are proving to be what I call a "natural"..
You GET it. You really do.

This is exactly why I keep hoping you stay on the path you are on. You are handling this in a textbook fashion. It isn't up to you to prove anything. HE is the one who had the affair and crushed your spirit to the point of no return.

Keep up the good work. Maybe this was God's way of showing you something about him.... He may get rid of her number, but it doesn't mean he can't memorize it....

Be wise. AND always be nice.....

[JCred]

What made your H change his mind so quickly? That's anyone's guess. But here's something for you to chew on now that OM is the hot topic: what made YOU change YOUR mind so suddenly? As wounded pointed out with your own quotes, it was only a couple/few weeks ago that you were wanting your H and family back. I get where you are. But how did you get there *that fast* - seemingly almost overnight?

My take is that he changed his mind so fast because he got dumped. As many on here know, getting dumped makes one change FAST...

As far as T... I don't see that she changed her mind fast.
When someone flat out tells you they are in love with someone else, steals money from you, steals your possessions,
threatens to call the police on you, screams and yells at you, doesn't see their children, posts pictures of themselves and the wayward and does the things that this man did... I could EASILY see why her feelings could change. I don't even see a comparison here. I think it shows she is moving toward getting healthy. Why wouldn't she compare the new guy who is treating her like a lady and good woman, to someone that did what he H did? I say good for her.

She IS giving her all. She is giving what she has in her for what she has been through. As Michelle says.. Only T knows when she has had enough.

Now he wants to come back like nothing happened? I say.. HOLD ON BUDDY.. Not so fast.. MY feeling HAVE changed...Even HE admits what he did shouldn't be forgiven. He knows he was a schmuck.

Good for you T... I don't see that your feeling just suddenly just changed. It looks like it was back and forth, back and forth... Some days you wanted him back, some days you were thinking "why do I want someone who treats me like THAT" (that's healthy in my opinion)

You can minimize the chances of him cheating again by making him do the work he needs to do. I am sure you are the type of woman that would love to fill your man's love bank. I remember you saying you want to be the woman who makes her man happy emotionally, physically and sexually, etc... I told you then that you are a good woman. Don't second guess who you are here. Keep this in perspective. HE is the one who needs to take this and run with it. You need to hold back, be observant and let it happen as it does. YOU will know when the time is right for YOU to fill his love bank. Maybe he needs to find out how to fill his own love bank for awhile to understand what this and what marriage is all about. Remember.. He got dumped. Be wary when the WS gets dumped. Many times they run home to what was safe. They say and do all the right things. Help him to grow up here. IF he is a big boy like he is saying, then he should understand that you may not really be able to give your "all" right now.

AND that's okay T... It really is okay.
What you are doing is working. Michelle says to do what works. You have him doing all the right things. Don't change what is working. That is silly.

[T384]

He ended up calling me and asking me to come out side and talk. He said he didn't want to leave things on that note. The first thing he said was I am sorry I love you and I am only worried about you and the boys. I haven't thought about her at all and haven't given a [censored] to worry about her or her phone number. I went theough and deleted her and anything that had to do with Her if it wasn't already.

We had a really nice long talk about everything. He agreed to writing a no contact letter to the boss, boss's wife and the daughter. I told him it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE for me because he said he planned on telling the boss in person. I said how do I know you will say what you do? I feel more comfortable it being in a letter I know is sent and received.

I told him him talking to her, her family, or anything to do with them is mom negotiable for me and to just prepare for a divorce at that point.