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Was just checking in here, too. What's happenin' over there, sista?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
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Hey guys! Sorry I worked the last 7 days straight so I have been in zombie mode! We are setting up counseling probably for next week it's just tough with my work schedule. H has been looking around for counselor and has sent me a few and suggested we pick together. So I'm okay with that. I have been seeing him a couple nights after work. He brought me dinner the last 2 nights and hung out. I get home after the boys are sleeping so they don't know he is here. I don't want to confuse them or send them mixed signals. I have my mud volleyball challenge on Saturday with all the docs from work. OM is coming obviously. H asked if he could come and I just said I didn't think it was a good idea because I haven't really said anything to anyone at work and I'm just not ready to deal with it until I know what I want and where we are. He said that he agreed and understood and didn't want to make it uncomfortable for me. I have been seeing OM a lot at work which is unusual. We still do talk/text but haven't hung out since H and I went to dinner. I am not sure how to deal with that situation. I know I have feelings for him but I can't bring myself to completely cut him off even if there hasn't been anything physical or intimate between us I just genuinely like him and enjoy talking to him. It has become a regular part of my day so I am struggling. He gave me a lot that H took away from me. He showed me that other men can be interested in me and that I could be happy without H. I know I'm going to get 2x4s but you guys can't help me until you completely understand how I am feeling.


So as far as my long overdue update from Saturdays dinner I summarized as best as I could....

Okay well sorry this is long overdue but here we go. I'm sure I will get some 2x4's but as most of you know with the exception of H and I having a conversation a few weeks ago we really never talked about anything other than he was unhappy and it was over

So I got out of work early and agreed to meet H. If you guys remmeber he asked because he wanted to try and figure stuff out together before the lawyers. So I said, 'sure H I will meet you to discuss legal stuff but I just want to be upfront I can't agree to anything without my lawyers advice'. So he insisted on coming over and us driving together so we did. I was busy on the phone - paying a couple bills and texting. We get to dinner order some appetizers and had a couple drinks. Afte about 20 minutes he says. I really wanted to invite you to tell you how sorry I am. I said okay. He said I just want you to know I know how much I've [censored] up. I stayed quiet. He proceeded. I have made so many mistakes and I can't believe all of the things I've done to you and our family. I still remained quiet. He said do you think there's any chance we can figure things out together. I played dumb and said yes that's why I said we would meet let's see if we can compromise. He said no I mean us. I want you back. I want to prove to you I am the man you married and that. I will do anything for you and to make this right

He went on about how much he hurt me and that he and her did start talking before he left but nothing happened until after. He said they did talk Inappropriately and that she told him he deserved way better and that he fell for her [censored]. He said she is the biggest mistake In his life. He said he has been feeling regret since basketball started. He said he made his mind up back in July when he was in the keys with her and her family and he has been struggling with anger and couldn't see how he felt or figure it out til he got his own apartment.

I ended up having some tears at dinner saying you have broke me into a million pieces. I said I've been waiting so long to hear this and these last few weeks I really feel like I can finally see my life without it being revolved around you. I don't need you to make me happy. He said he knows and he deserves for me to never take him back and that I deserve to be happy

We ended up walking to the car. He grabbed me for a hug and whispered what do I have to do? I said H you know the first thing. He said quit my job? I said yes. Then he says well I'm doing really well there what if I just come to work and leave and don't talk to anyone. I said are you serious? I said are we really here again? I can't imagine you would think It would be okay to work for that family and run into the daughter all the time. I'm sorry but that's a non negotiable for me. I said I want to go please take me home.

He ended up tearing up in the car asking me over and over what I wanted. I just said I can't get into this right now I wasn't prepared for this conversation I would just like to go home and we can meet and talk about it another time. He kept pushing and I just sat there quiet. We stopped and I got out to pump gas and he called a friend that had been offering him a job for the last year. I got in the car and he goes it's done. I am going to X for a job interview first thing Monday. I stil stayed quiet and just said oh that's good.

He said I love you and I am willing to do anything to make this work. I am going to prove to you that I'm going to be the best husband and father and I will be there fighting for you for as long as it takes. He ended up coming inside the house with me and helping puf the boys to bed

Like I said about the flowers Sunday and then he met a few of my friends and I for drinks two nights ago.


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Ok, settle in, this will be a long one:

Originally Posted By: T0324
Hey guys! Sorry I worked the last 7 days straight so I have been in zombie mode!


On the plus side, it should mean you have the next 4 off.

Quote:
We are setting up counseling probably for next week it's just tough with my work schedule. H has been looking around for counselor and has sent me a few and suggested we pick together. So I'm okay with that.


I think thats good. But what are YOU looking for in a MC'er?

Quote:
I have been seeing him a couple nights after work. He brought me dinner the last 2 nights and hung out. I get home after the boys are sleeping so they don't know he is here. I don't want to confuse them or send them mixed signals. I have my mud volleyball challenge on Saturday with all the docs from work. OM is coming obviously. H asked if he could come and I just said I didn't think it was a good idea because I haven't really said anything to anyone at work and I'm just not ready to deal with it until I know what I want and where we are. He said that he agreed and understood and didn't want to make it uncomfortable for me.


All very good, very reasonable.

Quote:
I know I'm going to get 2x4s but you guys can't help me until you completely understand how I am feeling.


Yea you are, but I will be gentle.

OM is exactly like 19girl, in the sense that he jumped into something based on how it made him feel in the moment. It became the center of his focus, and a distraction to take the time to look at himself and really figure out what the issue is was.

You mention
Quote:
He gave me a lot that H took away from me. He showed me that other men can be interested in me and that I could be happy without H.


You already know/known that... we told you wink But seriously, you are without a doubt still reeling from what your H did and handled things. You still need to do MAJOR healing. Is a good place to heal with someone you just met?

It doesn't mean you need to reconcile your M, it doesn't mean you even need to try (though I think you do), and it still doesn't mean your M will be repaired. Remember: NO EXPECTATIONS

And my advice has NOTHING to do with your H's recent turn.... I would be telling you NOT to start any new relationships that have the potential to move into something deeper.

Quote:
I said H you know the first thing. He said quit my job? I said yes. Then he says well I'm doing really well there what if I just come to work and leave and don't talk to anyone. I said are you serious? I said are we really here again? I can't imagine you would think It would be okay to work for that family and run into the daughter all the time. I'm sorry but that's a non negotiable for me. I said I want to go please take me home.


I think you clearly stated a boundary, which is good. Now, just keep following up on it. If he doesn't quit, all the above advice is unnecessary.

Quote:
He said I love you and I am willing to do anything to make this work. I am going to prove to you that I'm going to be the best husband and father and I will be there fighting for you for as long as it takes.


This is where I want you to be very careful, you are slowly starting to sound like a WAW. While I don't want this to sound like a positioning thing (and I GET IT, he hurt you... hurt bad).

But your in a position to get every single thing you wanted over the last 6 months. Here are some highlights:

Quote:
I'm having such a hard time accepting this divorce when I don't understand why our family isn't worth fighting for. I feel so sad for our boys.

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I am trying to figure out the best way to handle this for him to realize what he's doing and atleast try to work on this. However I am losing hope now that I know he has filed for divorce.

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I am devastated. I have been fighting for 11 weeks today with it only getting worse and worse. Please help me

Quote:
From the day he left I have told him how much I love him and am willing to compromise and fix this because I love him and I am sorry if I made him feel the way he says about me not appreciating him or not being good enough for me. But I can't fix anything if he doesn't give me a chance.


Don't let the girl who was fighting for her M (with the above quotes) get picked up by that alien ship that had your H.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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I wish I was off for 4! I am back tomorrow frown

In a marriage counselor I don't quite know exactly what I am hoping to accomplish entirely. I know my main issue is trusting that this won't happen again but nobody can tell me that I have to either jump in or not be willing to take that risk. I need someone to at least help me heal with the things he's done so that I am able to let go of the resentment and look at him differently than I look at I'm now. I am having a hard time trusting that he is genuine about everything. I really don't get how just almost 2 weeks ago he was trying to talk about her being a step mother etc to now this.

And while I completely understand everything you say I am working to actually do it. I have really cut down how much I am talking to OM and I know he is filling the void just like H filled her with. I guess I catch myself wondering is there better out there. Then I have to stop myself and think god I sound just like H.

And I hope he can give me everything that I've wanted over the last 6 months but is it real? Will it stick? Will I be here again years down the road? Nobody can answer those questions and I don't know that I can take that big of a risk of putting the boys through it again. I feel like I'm in protect mode and very guarded. I know counseling will help but ultimately nobody can predict the future.


And please don't take this as I am not grateful and happy that H has turned into my direction, I am. I really am. I am just super conflicted and do not want to travel down the same road making the same mistakes. I want this to be right if I can figure out a way to rebuild a new marriage.

It has only been since Saturday but between helping with the boys, grocery shopping, and picking up ALL the slack since I've worked all these days it really makes me see why I stuck it out saying he was a better man than this fake person he's been for 6 months.

I've always liked this quote and never thought H would be able to do this but here we are ...

Any man worth his salt will stick up for what he believes right, but it takes a slightly better man to acknowledge instantly and without reservation that he is in error

Last edited by T0324; 08/21/14 04:28 PM.

M 31 H 34
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Originally Posted By: T0324
In a marriage counselor I don't quite know exactly what I am hoping to accomplish entirely.


While the MC will help with the healing. The main reason to go is to work on what to led you two to have the WAS moment in the first place.

If you don't deal with the old behaviors/issues (which you have not), anything from here on out will indeed accomplish little.

Quote:
I know my main issue is trusting that this won't happen again but nobody can tell me that I have to either jump in or not be willing to take that risk. I need someone to at least help me heal with the things he's done so that I am able to let go of the resentment and look at him differently than I look at I'm now. I am having a hard time trusting that he is genuine about everything. I really don't get how just almost 2 weeks ago he was trying to talk about her being a step mother etc to now this.


Again, your trust issues, anger, resentment... all the bad feelings are JUSTIFIED. Just don't let them overcome you, or solidify the wall you have built up. Keep processing them, I still pray every day that my heart does not harden for anyone or anything.

I can tell you for sure, I will have trust issues in every relationship for the rest of my life. But I will NOT let them handicap my relationships.

Quote:
I catch myself wondering is there better out there.
There is better out there, there is worse.

No one here will tell you to take him back unconditionally... and just to expect the last 6 months didn't happen. But you need to work on opening your heart and mind (fully) to giving it a shot.

You believed in giving it a full shot (ah hem.. without distractions) 2 weeks ago... could you find that girl for me?

Quote:
I don't know that I can take that big of a risk of putting the boys through it again.


Ok, you played the card first... so I will go there:

Put the boys through what? 15 years of weekends with dad? A potential new 19girl? Separate birthday parties? Separate vacations? Worrying about telling the other parent what they did while they were with the other?

Divorce is tougher on them then attempting reconciliation.

6 month "hiccup" when they were young will be a great story/lesson in humility, forgiveness, patience, understanding and communication. (but I am not setting an expectation)

Quote:
nobody can predict the future.


ummm.... yes we can, didn't we almost tell you line for line about how 19girl would work out?

Quote:
And please don't take this as I am not grateful and happy that H has turned into my direction, I am. I really am. I am just super conflicted and do not want to travel down the same road making the same mistakes. I want this to be right if I can figure out a way to rebuild a new marriage.


This is why I think it is so important you complete the homework assignments I have given you. Instead of lunch with OM, I want you reading DB or DR tomorrow.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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Don't you think it is only fair to the male friend that you discontinue your friendly relationship until you can make a decision?

If anyone can understand how confused a person can get over their feelings.....it's me. You associate your H with the source that caused you and your children/family terrible pain. You associate the OM being a source that comforted you during your pain.

Like I said, I can understand your confusion. However, it concerns me that OM isn't being the gentleman who does the right thing and step aside b/c you are still a M woman. Maybe he sees it as "fighting" for you, but didn't you say you had only dates a couple of times? So please think about that point.

I also think your H is rushing things, even though he said he wanted to take things slowly. You have not had enough time to adjust to the idea that he wants to repair the M.

Whenever I see or read about a WAS who makes a complete turnabout so suddenly (as if they "snap" out of their fog), I always wonder what happened to cause it. Seriously, he and OW broke up and he was ready to pursue you about R before you were aware that anything had changed? Has he offered any details?

You may not be interested in hearing it from him, just yet. If it were "me", I would want to know what caused him to suddenly come to his senses. smirk

It bothers me he thought he could still work for the same boss! He was "willing" to interview for another job, but gee, you'd think even a WAS would have enough sense to know he couldn't stay in that same job. Has he not recognize the kind of influence his boss played in all of this? Maybe he was just thinking of the money, IDK. And that's another issue in itself....how he kept the truth about how much he was really making from you. Well, I don't have to remind you, I'm just saying.....

Keep telling yourself that time is on your side. There are two guys who are bidding for your attention. Do not let that pressure you, and I know how it can. Believe it or not, I have been there (but it was before I was M). Don't rush yourself to decide. If your H has really changed, I think it will prove itself out. If you are over him and falling in love with this other guy....I think, in time, your heart will let you know. But right now, there's a very good chance the other guy is a "rebound". Rebounds can deceive us, so take your time and be careful.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you both

I'm sure OM is a rebound who is fun, no drama, no attachments and I am EXTREMELY physically attracted to

Sandi - you raise a great point. Why so suddenly did he change his tune. I have and continue to pose this question to H. He told me he has been thinking this since they went to the keys in the very beginning of June. He said he thought she was what he wanted but he could not see that she wasn't until she was out of his life. He said it took him getting his own place and getting away from that situation in it's entirety to realize what he was doing and had lost. He said he went from trying to win her back to talking with a counselor at one session that opened his eyes to the fact that she wasn't what he was fighting for. He said from that day forward (almost 2 weeks ago) he realized that she just filled the void and helped him escape our issues instead of dealing wth them. He said he realized he should be fighting for me instead of against me. I could see some softening the week or so before we went to dinner. Offering to take care of house stuff etc. except at this point I was consumed in attention from OM

Do I think OM is long term? 99% not. He is fantasy and escape from reality for me. He is a feel good that I don't want to let go of. I know that's stupid but it's the truth. I know I need to let go. I'm working on it. Declined hanging out last night and haven't responded today. His parents are going through a divorce after 35 years of marriage so we talk a lot about family and stuff. It's more of a friendship/companionship than romantic relationship.

And it bothers me he wanted to stay at his job unless I committed to fixing things. He said I can't quit there because of the money if we aren't going to work things out I can't afford to take another pay cut. Since dinner this last week he does realize the influence. We talk about it quite a bit. He sent me a text yesterday saying I can't wait to get out of this place. I can't believe I never saw what you saw for the last couple years. I can't believe I thought they were my friends. This place is just hell. My boss told me just to give it time and hopefully his daughter and I can work it out. He said once he said that it hit me like a ton of bricks as to what I've done and what you saw that I couldn't see and I'm sorry.

We haven't said anything to anyone until he starts his new job. He needs to make sure to get all of his tools (thousands and thousands of dollars) out of there and his vehicles. He buys and sells on the side so he's acquired a few new cars that are at the shop. He wants to bring them to my house. He offered to move back in and sleep on the couch so I can quit my second job. It's tempting!

About the money he is or was hiding. He did send me a text yesterday asking 'if this all works out can we agree to just have one bank account so there is transparency between us and you know I'm not hiding anything from you?' He also offered to cancel his phone line and get back on my plan along with getting a new phone number.


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Wounded, as usual, has covered every, single thing I would have (and some things I wouldn't have) thought to contribute.

The only thing I can add is: anyone can cheat. And someone who cheats can cheat again. So no one can exactly predict the future, you're right.

But you can minimize the chances of your H cheating again by waking up every day and deciding to do something loving toward him. You can choose to meet his needs. That will keep his Love Bank full, and he won't "need" to seek companionship elsewhere.

And your H needs to do the same thing for you.

That's what we call a marriage.

This journey is so much more than what they did wrong to us and how they need to change. It's also about how WE can change to be better spouses and make our Ms something that only a fool would leave.

Piecing is HARD work, especially when an A was involved. I could write a novel, and I'm only four months in. It takes GUTS to even TRY.

But as wounded said, when he mentioned the laundry-list of negatives when a family is broken apart, I think it's worth a shot. And it's worth your BEST, most focused shot.

What made your H change his mind so quickly? That's anyone's guess. But here's something for you to chew on now that OM is the hot topic: what made YOU change YOUR mind so suddenly? As wounded pointed out with your own quotes, it was only a couple/few weeks ago that you were wanting your H and family back. I get where you are. But how did you get there *that fast* - seemingly almost overnight?

These are rhetorical questions. But they're some things for you to consider when you want to be skeptical of your H's "timing" of popping back into your life.

Sometimes, sh!t happens. And people decide overnight. With my H? It was a movie - one I had never watched. Then it was settling in to his own apartment. The silence. The loneliness. Couple all that with him seeing me GAL and looking good and smiling and confident? It all hit him like a ton of bricks.

Every once in a while, it takes something just that simple.

Hang in there, T0.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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Originally Posted By: Train
Wounded, as usual, has covered every, single thing I would have (and some things I wouldn't have) thought to contribute.


Awww... shucks Sorry to steal your thunder Train

Quote:
What made your H change his mind so quickly? That's anyone's guess.


I know you said its rhetorical... but I think it is worth pointing out: I don't really believe he changed his mind quickly. I want to credit TO because I believe quite a bit of his "quick turn" is because of TO, and the way she handled herself. I think TO started implementing things and heeding advice that made H's decision possible. The detachment, the giving up of control, changing the things she recognized she needed to changed, staying positive, acting as if, etc....

These things all had a positive effect of H's perception.

At the very least it created an olive branch he was able to grasp at.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
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Thanks Train

You're right my mind changed quickly. It was the attention from someone and the filling of 'my love tank' I know this. It is like an addiction I need to give up so I can look at my H and focus on the real reasons why I would or would not want to fix things.

My H has said to me he really saw a change in me since basketball started. He said the biggest thing was how happy the boys and I were. How we were ALWAYS doing something fun. He said it really got to him that we were having a good time and doing things he wasn't a part of and that we seemed okay with that

He said he noticed how strong and independent I had become. That I didn't let his attitude affect me or how I acted (if he only knew I was posting here like a crazy person and crying to my mom!!). I really have to thank you all so much because I know in my heart none of this would have been possible without all of the excellent advice. Thank you for holding my hand and helping me see this through.

I know I want to save my M. I really do. I'm just afraid to admit that to H. I'm afraid to fall back into old habits. I want to see that he is serious about making this work. I don't feel comfortable just telling him I'm willing to try after a week of him asking. How long is enough time before I can tell him that. I did agree to putting the divorce on hold.


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