More confused than ever

[T384]

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...975#Post2479975

I still owe a long post about our night.

We still have been very open talking about eveything. I still stand by that I cannot make any promises. I almost feel like him 6 months ago. I'm so wary of him and his changes. He had flowers delivered to my work yesterday. He had everything for school packed ready and outfits picked out yesterday while I was at work. He showed up this morning bright and early and we took the boys to school together. He also forwarded me his communication with his lawyer saying he is no longer pursuing divorce

Is this all really happening? He told me to pick a counselor. He wants to go alone and together. He is currently at a job interview and will be quitting if this goes well

I just can't feel I can commit. I don't know if my heart is all there yet. I'm scared. I don't know if I can feel the way I did feel about him. The guy from work has really been pursuing me and I feel this distracts me
As well.

[woundedfool]

I still owe a long post about our night.

Yes you do... We have been on pins and needles waiting to hear something

We still have been very open talking about eveything. I still stand by that I cannot make any promises. I almost feel like him 6 months ago. I'm so wary of him and his changes. He had flowers delivered to my work yesterday. He had everything for school packed ready and outfits picked out yesterday while I was at work. He showed up this morning bright and early and we took the boys to school together. He also forwarded me his communication with his lawyer saying he is no longer pursuing divorce

I ABSOLUTELY can see why you feel that way. You are especially correct that your roles have reversed (he feels like you did 6 months ago). I know that you would have sold your soul to have him back... now you wouldn't. But now HE is willing to sell his soul to have you back.

Another positive, you are tired from doing the heavy lifting for the last 6 months. You now have someone else to help carry the water.

Is this all really happening? He told me to pick a counselor. He wants to go alone and together.

Very good. But if I may be so bold to suggest, YOU select 3 counselors. Make sure they practice SBT and are pro marriage. Let him pick from the 3? (Just a thought).

He is currently at a job interview and will be quitting if this goes well

Good. If any blowback from quitting the Mansion family job: As always IANAL.... but he might have a reasonable shot at a harassment claim

I just can't feel I can commit. I don't know if my heart is all there yet. I'm scared. I don't know if I can feel the way I did feel about him.

You can't feel the way you did before. But ALL relationships evolve. It is natural you will have trust issues. Take the time to work on them WITH him. Remember how we said repair can take 1 month for every year you have been married? Guess what... that mean HE will have to repair his R with you starting today.

The guy from work has really been pursuing me and I feel this distracts meAs well.

IMhO, this is NOT good. Because it is a distraction (and frankly a temptation). If it was me, I would end it in no uncertain terms. (no need to burn a bridge, but be honest about your situation).

[woundedfool]

Oh also.... Homework Check:

Have you started to re-read DB & DR?

If not..... you might get detention. As I said in the last thread: Remember, you are reading it for the first time because you will read it from a new perspective.

If so, I want you to pay particular attention to Divorce Remedy Part 2 Step Number 4 Ask for What You Want

I don't want you to end up like a dog who chases after a car.... and once he gets it, has no idea what to do with it.

You have chased the car, and have it.... now you need to know what to do with it.

[woundedfool]

(sorry to keep doing separate posts, phone keeps ringing).

Out of curiosity....

How did the flowers make you feel?

How did the having the kids ready make you feel?

How does it feel his connection to the kids working out (I realize you are only a couple of days into it)?

[JCred]

Wow.. Quite the change in things huh?

I'm so wary of him and his changes. He had flowers delivered to my work yesterday. He had everything for school packed ready and outfits picked out yesterday while I was at work. He showed up this morning bright and early and we took the boys to school together. He also forwarded me his communication with his lawyer saying he is no longer pursuing divorce.

I'm glad you are wary. I would be too. It sounds like he is in a little bit of a panic mode because of your change in demeanor. This is usually what happens when the woman lets go and the man senses it in his gut.

I just can't feel I can commit. I don't know if my heart is all there yet.

Good for you. You have a good head on your shoulders.
Be wise.
This is good for HIM that you are holding back. Look how good it's working... I am glad that it is naturally happening this way. You need to see more changes in him than some flowers at work and finally getting involved with the boys for a couple of days. Jeez..



Great job...... I have confidence that you will sort things out. You did a masterful job in the last few weeks that helped turn this around. Cool, confident,decisive, mysterious... I still wouldn't show all my cards. I would let him know that you really aren't sure how you feel right now. Maybe even tell him that you think he should go to counseling on his own first before you commit to it as a couple.

Relax, enjoy, one day at a time.....
AND remember... Always be nice....

[T384]

Okay wounded - I hope I catch all responses I need to give you

As for the flowers - I can't describe how it made me feel. Strange? Kind of odd considering OM had brought me lunch so I felt in a weird place. I really like that H is stepping up to the plate to be a full time dad like he was. And yes I know Om is a distraction and every time I say I'm going to separate myself I can't. I'm sure it's the attention but I'm not sure I'm ready to give up our friendship for H just yet until I know H is serious. I have been very honest with H that we had been to dinner a couple times and do talk but nothing physical or anything. H told me he deserves that. He deserves for me to be with someone else and I deserve to be happy after everything he has done to me.


I also received a call from my L. My H's L sent out a request to file for reconciliation. I declined the request. We have decided to do a 6 month abatement which H has agreed to. He would agree to just about anything at this point. It is crazy to me to think he's ready to seriously cancel this divorce. He doesn't want to come home he wants to take things slow so I know he's here for the right reasons

[T384]

Also H asked me to come to the job interview with him to talk with the owner (it is someone we both know) I declined. I told H this is his battle and I trust he can make a decision. I will be there to support him and give him my opinion but ultimately it is up to him to do what he thinks is best. He respected my decision and called me on the way home to go over everything. He asked the boys and I to dinner tonjght but I declined because I have plans

[woundedfool]

And yes I know Om is a distraction and every time I say I'm going to separate myself I can't. I'm sure it's the attention but I'm not sure I'm ready to give up our friendship for H just yet until I know H is serious. I have been very honest with H that we had been to dinner a couple times and do talk but nothing physical or anything. H told me he deserves that. He deserves for me to be with someone else and I deserve to be happy after everything he has done to me.

It would be reasonable to have a friendship with the guy, but I think you are playing with fire. If he is really your friend he will understand, you should say in no uncertain terms that for now and the foreseeable future your friendship can and will only be platonic (or only "lunch buddies"). I would caution confiding "marital issues", divorce issues, et al with him, as that is borderline EA.

To be brutally honest.... in this process you have found that you have lots of friends and family. I say there is zero need to add another to the pile. Especially considering one that has the potential to create such a distraction.

Plus ask yourself, will the new friendship bring you closer or further to a reconciliation?

I also received a call from my L. My H's L sent out a request to file for reconciliation. I declined the request. We have decided to do a 6 month abatement which H has agreed to. He would agree to just about anything at this point.

Make sure you get the cars back as well as the remainder of the inheritance

Plus, for the foreseeable future your finances/taxes/etc. should be 100% separate.

It is crazy to me to think he's ready to seriously cancel this divorce.

Why? As quick as that fog set in.... it has started to fade away.

He doesn't want to come home he wants to take things slow so I know he's here for the right reasons

Sounds reasonable.

Also H asked me to come to the job interview with him to talk with the owner (it is someone we both know) I declined. I told H this is his battle and I trust he can make a decision. I will be there to support him and give him my opinion but ultimately it is up to him to do what he thinks is best. He respected my decision and called me on the way home to go over everything. He asked the boys and I to dinner tonjght but I declined because I have plans

I think you handled this well, but I would add/reenforce: you do regret the pressure/nagging you previously given him about his career. As it is feeling like he is engaging you for approval because of the issues that came with the last job (previous to the D).

[T384]

Yes I don't want to nag about his job so I really feel I did a 180 on his job topic.

The vehicles are being returned and the money he is returning what he has left of it back. We will see.

He has reached out to a lot of our mutual friends, my friends, and my family. All to apologize to everyone for what an embarassment and [censored] he has been. He said he is going to take whatever beating he has to to make amends and make everything right

I do have to give him credit. It takes a man to own up to what he's done and take responsibility for what he's done. He told me everything that's bad that happens to him he deserves

[woundedfool]

He has reached out to a lot of our mutual friends, my friends, and my family. All to apologize to everyone for what an embarassment and [censored] he has been. He said he is going to take whatever beating he has to to make amends and make everything right

I do have to give him credit. It takes a man to own up to what he's done and take responsibility for what he's done. He told me everything that's bad that happens to him he deserves

I think that is very good. He is doing his best to make amends and take his lumps. The tough part now is for you to work on forgiving him and begin to rebuild on forgiving each other.

How is your homework coming along?