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Quote:
I forgot how much pain he's believed to be in, because he doesn't seem like it. He's dating and wh@ring around, for crying out loud. How bad can he feel?

I forgot how well they hide their depression. His mother said he's never looked better (I finished that sentence in my mind with "since he left me")


I had that experience too. Smokey got really tan, lost bunches of weight and looked like he did (if you overlook the mass of grey hair) when he was in high school, albeit a sorta gaunt, weathered version of his 16-yr-old self.

That really hurt. It hurt that I was desperately trying to hold it all together and take care of things and he bopped in like some 16-year-old that's been told he HAS to visit his grandma.

But, here's the thing...I spent an entire day with him about a year ago...college orientation. At the end of the day, I felt like I had just spent my time with an adolescent. I felt every bit of my 44 years (and then some). It was surreal. He wasn't a grown up any longer. He was this immature, adolescent version of himself. It was kinda gross. He wasn't even that much fun. He was a chain-smoking, skinny, adolescent who was obsessed with how much food he should eat...because, God FORBID! he starts to look his age again. It's a sad, sad way to live. He couldn't be there for his D...and, at the end of the day, he skipped off to go play at some other playground.

My MIL is obsessed with image. Her house always looks perfectly together and lovely and clean. I thought it was telling, though, how you could open any random cupboard/closet and find things just jammed into every available space. Craaap was packed into spaces like nobody's business. She hid her messes from the world. I gotta a lot flack over the years for my housekeeping skills...but, knowing how her closets and cupboards were...well, it gave me some validation that all isn't what it appears. My cupboards are clean. I may have piles of books and what-not around the house...but, open any closet and it's organized and put together. I don't feel the need to hide who I really am.

I can think of a lot of men who are handsome and hot and all that...Mick Jagger in mid-life (IMO)...Charlie Sheen used to be a really good-looking guy...I'm really glad, however, that the 45-year-old me isn't hitched to those wagons. I have had my adolescent heartbreaks. I deserve a solid man who has clean insides...who isn't expending all his energy on "appearing" a certain way.

Just remember Shining, with the adolescent facade, comes the adolescent pain and angst and obsession with "how you look" and the guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt from the rational side of your personality that really is middle-aged and has responsibilities...


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Read this one...I modified it, but screwed up the edit button somehow. :-)

Quote:
I forgot how much pain he's believed to be in, because he doesn't seem like it. He's dating and wh@ring around, for crying out loud. How bad can he feel?

I forgot how well they hide their depression. His mother said he's never looked better (I finished that sentence in my mind with "since he left me")


I had that experience too. Smokey got really tan, lost bunches of weight and looked like he did (if you overlook the mass of grey hair) when he was in high school, albeit a sorta gaunt, weathered version of his 16-yr-old self.

That really hurt. It hurt that I was desperately trying to hold it all together and take care of things and he bopped in like some 16-year-old that's been told he HAS to visit his grandma.

Here, I had been there for this guy, this guy who was never, ever easy to live with...and, I had really tried to remain sexy and attractive and he ate and ate and ate and he chose to lose all this weight and, at least appear sexy after he left me??? WTF?? If anyone deserved skinny Smokey, it was me.

But, here's the thing...I spent an entire day with him about a year ago...college orientation. At the end of the day, I felt like I had just spent my time with an adolescent. I felt every bit of my 44 years (and then some). It was surreal. He wasn't a grown up any longer. He was this immature, adolescent version of himself. It was kinda gross. He wasn't even that much fun. He was a chain-smoking, skinny, adolescent who was obsessed with how much food he should eat...because, God FORBID! he starts to look his age again.

We had one really funny moment. He was looking around the buffet and choosing what to eat. He decided on a salad because...IDK, I can't remember what he said...but, it was some mean dig at me for actually appearing my age. Anyway, I walked over to the french fries and grabbed this heaping mound and took it back to the table. I put it in the center of the table and waited for the REAL SMOKEY to stand up. He did. He was scarfing those fries like nobody's business within minutes.

It's a sad, sad way to live. He couldn't be there for his D...and, at the end of the day, he skipped off to go play at some other playground.

My MIL is obsessed with image. Her house always looks perfectly together and lovely and clean. I thought it was telling, though, how you could open any random cupboard/closet and find things just jammed into every available space. Craaap was packed into spaces like nobody's business. She hid her messes from the world. I gotta a lot flack over the years for my housekeeping skills...but, knowing how her closets and cupboards were...well, it gave me some validation that all isn't what it appears. My cupboards are clean. I may have piles of books and what-not around the house...but, open any closet and it's organized and put together. I don't feel the need to hide who I really am.

I can think of a lot of men who are handsome and hot and all that...Mick Jagger in mid-life (IMO)...Charlie Sheen used to be a really good-looking guy...I'm really glad, however, that the 45-year-old me isn't hitched to those wagons. I have had my adolescent heartbreaks. I deserve a solid man who has clean insides...who isn't expending all his energy on "appearing" a certain way.

Just remember Shining, with the adolescent facade, comes the adolescent pain and angst and obsession with "how you look" and the guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt from the rational side of your personality that really is middle-aged and has responsibilities...

For some reason, I keep thinking of the line in Animal House when the mean dean tells Bluto, "Fat and stupid is no way to go through life son." IDK, from where we sit...there's so much more to life than being skinny and pretty and pretending to be together. "Skinny and fake and guilt-ridden is no way to go through life."


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather, great post. A lot struck a chord with me. (Like my h lost weight, not that he really needed to), changed style and all that. Yet, he, too, has gotten a lot of grey hair this past year. I think it says something about what's really going on in the inside. I wonder how the 26 yr old likes that?!

Sorry for hijack, Ats.

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SHINING! duh, sorry

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Heather, funny you wrote about that....I, too have a few 'piles' (not a hoarder my any means). But my closets are VERY clean. H has no piles but stacks of who knows what piled inside closets and boxes up in attic and garage. Interesting analogy, either way....

My H also has gone from dying his hair with 'touch of gray" to all-out-dark color. It looks unnatural to me.... I dug his salt and pepper a lot! And he goes to tanning bed now....another new thing. He has lost weight, but he was always rather thin. He looks good, I suppose. I prefer the old H in every way, so it's hard for me to be objective. I associate this new guy with a creepy s#x starved teenager acting out his every desire. Ewww.

If anything, I have changed my appearance more than H. I went through some depression losing my dad in 2011....(uh, oh....I may be preMLC now too). I had gained about 10 lbs over that year. When H son moved in with us in 2012, then 18, our whole house changed. It was bad. My emotions were on edge and I probably gained another 5-10. Then I had my surgery last October which was complicated and I had a blood transfusion, took 8-10 weeks to recover enough to go back to work....I gained probably 10 more lbs. The "plan" (haha...plans.....) was to start working with a trainer at the gym and I signed on in March with my doctors ok. H and I both signed on. This was after H suicide attempt and we thought we could both use a boost in our overall health.

Well, the rest is documented on how well that's an worked....I stuck with it and have lost over 50lbs since March. 12lbs were lost before S. Before I knew about ow. Before I knew anything....but, the good news is I look like I did in high school, according to H. He said at one of our meetings after S when he finally acknowledged my weight loss, not a compliment ....but a DIG. "Hmmm well I'm glad you decided to get back in shape now. Why couldn't you do that when you were with me?"

Shall we list the reasons? Nah..... Didn't matter. My pain, my grief, my surgery, my lack of time spent on myself because I was too busy working full time and taking care of 4 kids was not going to matter. It wouldn't change his resentment. I remember I just smiled and shrugged.

Doing alright today....worked out with trainer this morning. 8lb Medicine ball: I got to take it in both hands, feet apart, and THROW it down SMASHING it into the floor.....like a human head. mad

Anger released. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh......

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Quote:
"Hmmm well I'm glad you decided to get back in shape now. Why couldn't you do that when you were with me?"


@Shining - my ex was a weight Nazi too. Even when I was super super skinny, he found flaws.

Now I have a new man in my life, who loves my naturally curvy figure. In the last year I've gained some unwanted weight (not due to any change in diet or exercise, something to do with a change in my gut function which I am trying to work out). He just tells me I still look sexy and he loves ME - it's not about my weight.

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Kml, so interesting... I have been in decent shape, outside of a few after-baby times. Muscular curvey--- I once dated a guy who was skinny obsessed and I knew that would never last. H wasn't bothered by my body, until (now I hindsight) he started being unhappy with life in general.

He used to be very supportive of my insecurities. If I complained about something about my appearance, he would say, "You are a painting. You are perfect the way you are. Only the artist sees flaws in their own painting. The world sees beauty."

I loved that about him. Then it all went away.

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Shining,

I feel that you and I are riding on twin coasters. We seem to go through similar ups and downs around the same time. (No wonder Mighty was thinking this was my post...lol!)

I bet it felt great to throw that medicine ball to the floor...now that's what I'm talking about smile

We've had a rough couple days, it's time for our positive stuff to start kicking in!!

Last edited by Atsbaby; 08/23/14 07:54 PM.

Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
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Oh Shining! This thread has made me chuckle.

My stbxh always told me how hot I was and never made a negative comment about my appearance until about 6 months before BD. He said that last baby ruined my stomach. Due to my ED history, I can be rather sensitive to body comments and part of it is because I'm well aware c-section number 3 did a number on my abdominals and I'm rather self concious about it. I'm sure you look fabulous.... With or without your h's approval :-)

However, since others shared, I've got a goody. My h and I actually look rather similar except he's a foot taller. He has very thick curly hair and has taken to shooting videos of himself staring at the camera with the wind blowing thru his hair. It is rather odd. He has become obsessed with his hair. But this is my ffavorite. Stbxh who we shall call S never, ever, ever wired shorts except to mow lawn or workout. Never. No matter how hot it got, he wore jeans. There was also a certain kind of shorts that he said only dou@hes wore. He would grandstand and ca them dou@he wear. In addition to wearing shiny (coated) jeans which makes me giggle, S now wears shorts-even to work. But best of all, they are usually, you guessed it, the dou@he wear shorts. He also has taken to wearing those t_shirts with the faux tux look on the front. He fancies himself one of those guys from Game of Thrones.

I am fairly fit and I'm certainly not Kate Upton. However, I have not at least until this point, lacked for male attention. It's probably the humor and my sports knowledge. If someone is seeking a Victoria's Secret model, they won't notice me except they might think I'm nice :-)

URworthy had an incredible post to you. Back away from the fire. You will be even greater than you alresdy are:-)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/23/14 11:37 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Ok. I have rebooted my system. Reset myself after my mini-meltdown. I am not fully detached yet. Not even close. I'm sure I'll continue to have moments where I backslide, vent, mind read, make bad jokes, and call H an a$$hat when I need to release. I am human, like everybody else. I'll try not to be so hard on myself. I'm not going to sail through this detaching process by any means. But I can definitely feel another shift in the right direction.

Wise words from many on the board are sinking in:
This is his crisis and I wasn't invited.
I am still so early into this.
Love him enough to let him go so he can fix himself.
Trust the process.
Detach and move on as if he's never coming back.
Decide what I want and be very clear what I'm willing to do, and not willing to do, to get there. Then I will always know which door to choose.
I can decide to stop any time.

I know what I want. I want to become the person God intends for me to be. I want to pay attention through this crisis, to my own journey, and learn the lessons God wants me to learn. God completely interrupted my whole, safe, little, bubble-of-a-world for a reason. I believe I better pay attention. I'm waking up.

I want to teach my kids that life's lessons come in all forms, many through pain. I want to show them by example, how to lead a purposeful life, with inner peace, regardless of the storms that come. And they will come. And I want to show them it's ok to feel. Emotions are what makes us human. I want to be ok with who I am. I want to teach my kids to love themselves. I want to teach my kids not to be afraid to love others. I want to live comfortably, and have the awareness of all that is good around us.

I want to be M to my H. I want to see him through this crisis regardless of the ability to stay M in the future. H has done some cruel, scary, awful, hurtful, destructive, selfish, and traumatizing things, and he will likely do more. But I am not his judge. I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not without sin. I have my own skeletons. I can not deem H as less worthy because that is not my job. I'm not God. I chose to love my H years ago, and I have not stopped choosing this. The love we had in the beginning of our R, has been redefined. But it is still love.

I continue to have hope for our M. H is not in an EA. H has not filed for D, and makes no mention of it. I know for certain, deep down, that he loves me, although it's in a different way right now. I have a strange inner 'knowing' that he truly doesn't want to lose me. I know he has to travel this path to come out the other side, whole. These knowings/facts/feelings do not guarantee any M success coming through the tunnel. They do give me hope, and strength to continue to stand.

I will not compromise my beliefs, nor will I allow myself or my kids to be accepting of poor treatment. There will be a time when a decision will have to be made. H will have to reconcile the damages at some point. Today is not that day. H is not at that place. To expect H to be where he cannot is futile. It is only setting up the process to fail, causing more heartbreak, frustration and let-down.

I don't know how long I am willing to stand. I don't feel I can set a defined time. I believe I will just know. And what I know right now, is that today I'm still standing.

So today, I breathe. And I'm being still. Allowing the answers to come. Allowing the pain to wash over me. Trusting in God's plan. I'm on the path.

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