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^^^^^^^

Job said it much, much better than I did:-).



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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I agree with what Job and G wrote, Shining.

He isnt anywhere near ready for therapy and I think he was thinking out loud and feeling you out.

Therapy only works if the person wants help, wants to change and is willing to look within. I dont think he is there yet.

As much as you think you can sit there and validate, it will be hard to hear all of that and may do you more harm than good.

I would leave it go for now. I dont think he will be insisting. If he does, I may ask him what he hopes to address in therapy and how does he see it helping if you are there.

S, you have to get a handle on all of that mindreading. It doesnt serve you well except to make you spin.

Trust me when I tell you what we think they are saying or doing is very often nowhere near reality.

Congrats on the interview. Knock em dead.

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Hey Shining. Congrats on the interviews. That has to make you feel good. I agree with everyone above re the counseling. If he still pushes for you to come you need to think long and hard to know if you can truly go in with no expectations and prepared to hear whatever he had to say.

I like the detaching jar. The kids and I started a happy box a few months ago. The idea is that everyday no matter what, we could each find something to be happy about. We haven't been consistent but we are having fun with it.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
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Shining,

Just reading your sitch, reminded me of my own MC experience. Hijack alert. I had just joined this board and the first visit was about a week post BD. I wasn't sure what was happening although I thought my h was having a nervous breakdown. Even HE admitted it felt like he was past a nervous breakdown.

Things really kicked into gear with the 2nd MC we met. She required you to fill out a form of your issues. H listed several (anxiety, depression, guilt, feelings of worthlessness, shame and 3 others in that neighborhood. I listed intimacy. He immediately accused me of turning the MC against him ( I had no idea I was that powerful) and *I * had insinuated he had issues. He was sobbing to me " nothing is wrong with me. It's all you!" He would question why she couldn't see it was all me. The MC requested 4 visits with him solo (I'll skip all that. Think some of it is on one of my threads). My point is that it was absolutely insane watching this. I am very logical and I would not have believed this had I not seen it happen. With witnesses.

I know you want to help and support your h. I realize he may * seem * a bit better. My h *seems* more stable the 3 minutes I see him ; days a week. He is not. He's got a temporary high with OW but he is the exact same. I just really advise you to listen to the wise people here. I didn't. I thought they didn't know me and my sitch was *different.*. I can sum it all up with my h sobbing uncontrollably one night as he listed all of my flaws and he sobbed, " I hate that you are so logical. I just don't understand how you function being logical and in reality ." Yes.


Keep focusing on you. Good luck on the interview. Paws crossed for you:-)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/22/14 01:46 AM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Thank you all for the perspective, and for such great advice.

GB, thank you for the logic.... wink. I just finished reading your first thread....wow... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I also read your current thread. It's an amazing gift to have this board, giving us all the ability to see each other's growth. I'm proud of ya, kid....You logical traffic-stopping taco eater, you.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I keep telling myself to let go and whatever happens, happens..... And I keep feeling more and more able to let go. Then something yanks me back in. But not as far back in....each time I gain more in detachment skills. I know I'm not there now, but I believe I will know it when I am.

This may not make sense to anyone, but it feels as though H and I are just now starting the real journey. Although the attacks and anger toward me have been gone for about 2 months, I feel my emotional distance keeps getting greater. It's as if the times we've spent together recently, were small 'blips' of hope. Just enough let us know it's there if we want it. Giving us the calm to settle into a mental and emotional place where we can move through this, each in our own way, not knowing the future. Limbo, I suppose.

The house is sold, and the buyers want a fast closing. So does H. Monday is the cut-off for them to back out. If it goes through, H will move out in 30 days or less, into his own apartment. I have felt throughout the summer, that the real journey for him, and the real detachment for me, will occur only after this point. There will be very little 'business' to discuss, and i will be out of his way.

I believe H has more 'exploring' to do. I believe he will have a few more ow. It is strange to write this about one's own H, but this is what my gut says. I don't want to live with him. But I don't want him living as a single guy, either. I didn't want any if this....

I am closer to defining my own goals, wants, needs, boundaries, and new dreams. (New dreams will be made of a shatter-proof plexiglass, probably....).

H sent a words game request today. I accepted. We used to play words a lot. I remember being angry with H about a year ago for playing words with a stranger... I didn't understand why he would want that when he has me. Interesting parallel there....

Still can't believe this is my life now. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for H. I may be doing exactly that now.... Definitely on the edge.

I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge the edge theeeee edddgge!!!

Of Glory laugh

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S, this is all a process. Letting go takes time. It happens when you are ready for it to happen.

The key in all of this is to fully embrace that this crisis was destined to happen. Nothing you or anyone else could have done to stop it. Nor is there anything you can do to move it along.

It has to unfold the way it needs to in order for him to come out the other side whole.

Letting go is you accepting that and wanting him to work through it all.

You can make yourself crazy thinking about what he is going to do and all. The thing is that there is absolutely no way of you knowing how his will play out. So no use in trying to figure it out, ya know?

I like your idea of the blips of hope giving you the calm to be able to move through this.

I know its hard to wrap your mind around your life now. You are still so early into this.

Leave him to his journey, S. Take yours. You will not be sorry you did.

You are doing great.

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Thank you, uR. You really get me. More than I get me. I had to get this out after reading.

Mind dump on Letting Go

I'm having a really hard time letting go
I know I have to
It's like I'm in my own tunnel
And I'm peaking out
Into the unknowns of so many changes all at once
Changes I don't want
At least I don't think I want...
I know I didn't ask for them
But they scare me and so I keep hanging on
But I'm hanging on to something that isn't really there
So I'm stuck with nothing.....
Until I let go
And trust that there is something in front of me
I can't see it so I hesitate
And I stay stuck
Like standing on the edge of a cliff
As the rocks crumble under my feet
I know eventually I'll have to jump
But I'm not ready
How much crumbling will it take
Before I can jump
Because jumping has become the safer option
The only option
Just jump, Shining
Let go....

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That is incredible, Shining...really. You are pretty amazing.

Go easy on yourself, though. I believe that we get to where we need to be when we do....and you will.

The thing is that you dont want to skip any parts in all of this. Each and everyone is a stepping stone to the next one. When you skip, or try to hurry it along, you can miss some really good parts. smile

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Hey. I love what you wrote. Letting go seems so simple but it is so huge. IF it was easy there wouldn't be so many books, workshops, websites dedicated to it.

There are so steps along the way. And sometimes you think you have mastered one only to find out you really haven't. I do find myself growing calmer with every little bit I am able to let go so I envision a really content life on the other side.

My h just said I need to let him go. I thought I had. When I get home tonight I think I need to do my own musings on letting go.

Shine on.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
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Shining,

Quote:
I believe H has more 'exploring' to do. I believe he will have a few more ow. It is strange to write this about one's own H, but this is what my gut says. I don't want to live with him. But I don't want him living as a single guy, either. I didn't want any if this....


Trust the process. Your process AND his.

I agree with the others that counseling, with him, would serve little purpose right now...except for him to use you as a punching bag to justify his behavior. I went down that road. We were in MC, in hindsight, to assuage Smokey's guilt for his actions. It was really painful and traumatic for me. I was feeling vulnerable and desperate to save our marriage and he would sorta skip on in and unload on me in about a million different ways. It slowed me down. And, unless you have one AWESOME therapist, you can end up feeling even worse than when you started.

Personally, I wouldn't open myself up to that again. I see your H looking for a loophole, as you said, to hang onto your coattails in order to "bypass" some of the pain...you can feel it for him...don't fall for it. His gig, his pain...let him have it. YOU have enough to deal with.

You are one awesome lady and will do just fine. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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