Carry On, My Wayward Son(of-a-beeeeaaaaach)!!

[Atsbaby]

Hang in there Shining!

Glad you were able to complete a 180

I can't give any advice on the job thing. Hopefully you'll find one soon and then it will work out as you'd planned!

[Shining]

Thank you, Ats.

Spinning today. Very low PMA. Inner dialog is very negative about job situation. I'm scared.

Also, one of my S18 is thinking about moving back to home state. He is the one who found H at suicide attempt. He is having a hard time finding direction and has been ever since. This summer has been terrible on them, and I can see the aftermath finally setting in. We talked a long time last night. He assured me he wasn't trying to move just to get away from me or run from the pain and the reminders. But I sense he is running away. I also feel a sense that my twins are transitioning now.....and they are having a bit of a crisis, too.

Kids are losing confidence in me, I can tell. I let them down day after day....our life has changed so much. Counseling isn't helping them. We don't have money to do things they would normally be doing, which isn't even that much. We went from a nice sized house where they all had their own rooms, to sharing a tiny apartment. They don't complain, actually. They remind me that others have things so much worse than we do. We have a nice place even though it's small, and they remind me that all the time. But they notice things like groceries being scaled way back. School stuff. Activities. I'm not able to be two places at once, and h helped a lot with driving and errands I can't get done the same anymore. It feels crummy. I'm trying to work ft and take care of myself and 4 kids, even though 2 are now adults and pretty independent.... I feel like the kids are lost, too. We all thought things would be one way, and now they're not. We have talked a ton and I say what I'm supposed to say. I'm trying so hard to act "as if". But it doesn't always work. They see me scared. They see me sad. They see me struggling.

This job thing has kicked me in the gut so hard. I feel like I'm some sort of fraud. I wear these nice, expensive clothes to a job I really no longer have, I act "as if" everything is ok, we are flat broke and no sign of future income. I thought I had my life set, and it's in shambles. So here I sit, at my fancy desk, dressed like I run the company. But in reality, we are not that far from being out on the street.

When we left our hometown to begin life here, after the divorce from their dad, things were really looking up for us. Kids had never been happier. They were more social, grades went from failing to straight A's, they became well-adjusted, and responsible kids who never caused me a day of trouble. People commented to me all the time. Teachers...H family...about how great the kids are. And they're so talented in various ways, music, athletics, art, intelligence.... I feel I don't deserve them.

I have a bad case of the "what ifs" and they won't go away. I feel like I'm not capable of handling anything. I have let everybody down. My H, my kids, even my boss. I feel like if they really wanted to, they could keep me and make it work. But they don't want me either. There must be something really wrong with me.

I don't even know where to start today.

Purging these thoughts on the board.... They are toxic in my head.

[Shining]

I am questioning my sanity. My ability to even do the job I have anywhere. Maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I need a low wage simple job and work twice as much. Then I worry about being available even less for the two younger kids....critical ages, S16, D13. Not good to not be present.

I'm cutting our extras where I can, and I don't think it will be enough. I'm going to be selling S18 bedroom furniture, too.

I feel like I have to prove something to everyone. Like I have to prove to my H I'm stable and confident and I'm not. And to my kids, prove I'm their security and I'm strong, but I'm not. And to my stbx boss that he made a mistake and I'm better off....but so far, I'm not.

I have also noticed our friends have slowly and consistently dropped off the planet. I feel like I have the plague.

I came to this place for such a great life. And it was. Now it's over. At least when we S I still had a good job and kids were rooted here. Now that's gone too.

I don't know how to do this.

[Shining]

And I'm terrified of telling H about my job.

I think I have to. Not like I have anything to lose.

You can't lose what you never owned.

[Georgiabelle]

Shining,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult day. You are not a fraud. You are a smart, kind woman who has been through a great deal. Your kids sound like they have a great perspective and are fortunate to have you.

Losing your job just flat out $vck$. No ifs, ands, or buts about that. However, I think there is something better waiting for you. Please don't get down on yourself. You will get through this. I wish I had some magic words along with a wand:-)

Hang in there!

[uRworthy]

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are having a tough time of it.

It seems like when bad stuff happens, it is like a magnet for more bad stuff. Life is hard. Sometimes it seems as if some people get more crap than others.

Everything is not your fault, though. Sorry, but, you just dont have that kind of power.

Your h is in a crisis. You did the best you could for your children. Hear what they are saying to you. They are fine in that apartment.

The thing is this. I dont believe that children shouldnt see us showing emotion when we hurt. But I also believe that they are looking to you as their touchstone. If you are ok, then they will be, too.

Your priority right now has to be finding a job. Put saving your marriage aside right now. Leave him to his journey, S.
Your job there is to get out of the way.

You cant worry about what he is going to think about you losing your job because Im thinking he really isnt someone who should be the judge, ya know? He has made some pretty poor choices.

No one thing is going to make or break this. The goal is for you to make your changes. Make them permanent. Then consistent action over time on your part is what will matter.

So, tell him if you think you should. Be matter of fact. Be confident and strong because you are.

S, you have a lot to offer. But you have to believe in you.

Just one other thing. I always caution people not to look at the stages of a MLC too closely. They are meant to be a broad view.

Most MLCers dont follow them in order. They skip parts and come back around and through again.

If you are trying to figure out where he is at, you will make yourself crazy.

Ok, so, gather yourself now, girl.

You are doing great. Keep going.

[Lifes Twists]

Shining,

Our situations seem to be on the same path right now. My wife tried to commit suicide this past April. I can see fall out from it in my daughters behavior too. I am also between jobs right now as well. It is a struggle and there are days I get very discouraged. I have dropped all contact with my wife unless it is about the kids. I cannot expend any energy on her right now. All my energy is on my kids and making sure they have stability in their lives and someone they know will be there for them. try looking at it in a glass half full situation. Use this to show your children how strong you are. Set an example both you and they can be proud of.

[Shining]

LT, I'm so sorry you had this in your life as well. And your kids, too. Just awful. I'm trying to show them strength. But I can see by the way they look at me, they see weakness. I have always been strong for them. They grew up watching me lead others confidently... Now they must see (at times) a blubbering, tired, overwhelmed mess.

SOOOOOO.... some things:

We started a "Detachment" jar at home last night....

This is to keep me from talking about our situation negatively, and from talking about H. I told them I need to shift even more of my focus away from that, and more focus onto us, where we are, and we're going. They liked the idea and agreed. (Not difficult to agree to mom coughing up money I suppose) So, any time I say something about H, or anything negative about our situation, they say, "dollar". And I pay the jar. It's funny, actually. And it works. So far I haven't had to pay .

Bouncing back to earlier....

Yesterday after my mind-dump on the board, I continued to spin while sitting at my stbx desk. My anxiety also continued to rise, as well as my BP. Literally. I almost drove myself to the hospital. I felt like I was in a fog. My eyes were bouncing back and forth in their sockets. My heart was racing and my BP was hovering at 153/105. My thoughts got very dark.

I wondered if this is anything like the fog MLCers are in. If this is their world, no wonder they run. I wondered if I'm starting my own MLC. I decided if I didn't feel better after a good night's sleep, I would go to the doctor today.

I slept well.

SOME GOOD NEWS. Thank goodness

The other thing that helped was that after work, there were 3 messages for me wanting to schedule interviews! Somebody upstairs is taking care of me. I called them all back, and one of them was still in her office. She phone-interviewed me on the spot! She scheduled the next interview, a face-to face next Wednesday .

I left messages for the other 2, waiting to hear back. Even if this doesn't pan out, i(which I hope it does) t was enough to lift me out of the hopelessness and give me the boost I needed.

Woah, Nelly, did I need it.... <<<<. That was for my farm friends.

[Georgiabelle]

Interviews! Give me a Y! Give me an E! Give me a S!

Yes!!!!! Good luck Shining! May the pores be with you:)

[Shining]

OMG GB You're hysterical!!!!

The pores will ALWAYS be with me.

When it rains, it PORES!

PORE some sugar on me!!!!!

POREScore and 20 years ago, our fathers....