WAW, fighting for hope, looking for guidance

[Card29]

Got back in town today and spent several good hours with WAW working on the house. We really had a good time, lots of laughter. Had lunch together. She complimented and thanked me for taking initiative on a few things with the house and our D (one of the things I've struggled with over the years in our R is taking initiative and following through).

After she was back at her apt, we had a fun, 1/2 hour long text conversation. She initiated most of the conversation and friendliness today. I knew she was coming over to help with the house, but I had no expectations for how it would go. I knew it was possible she'd want to work on separate floors of the house, and for her to just tune me out and listen to music. But instead it was a wonderful day. Honestly, it was probably the best quality time we've spent together since last fall when we were on our "us only" weekend trip.

I told her that Sunday Night Football was on TV tonight (we both like watching football). She was excited that I told her, and she kept the convo going. I felt like I could have asked to come over and watch part of the game with her, but I did not ask. Instead, I stayed home and knocked out a couple more house projects that she'll be impressed with when she comes back on Tuesday.

I'll take today for today and have no expectations for tomorrow.

[HopefulStill]

Card,

Casey's advice for you is spot on. I went through all of the same things. Your wife fell out of love with you, just as you did once with her. The difference is that, during this time, she met someone that made her feel special and adored. I'm making a big leap here in insinuating an affair, but in my opinion there is at least an emotional affair going on. People in affairs are addicted to the feelings that they get from the OP, and like any addict, they don't want the source of their addiction to be taken away. This is one of the primary reasons that the A is kept secret- they don't want anyone to interrupt it.

If you do find out that this OM that you suspect is, in fact, involved with your W, I'd inform his spouse immediately. You must do what you can to help separate your W from the source of her addiction (OM) and speed the end of the A. In the meanwhile, continue to be a great husband. Do not let her drag you into any arguments, fill her love bank balance as much as you can.

-HS

[Card29]

Thanks for the boost, Hopeful. That is definitely my plan of action. I already have OM's W's number and address. I'll try to wait patiently on the PI and hope for the best. She definitely at least had an EA going with him back in May/June, even if he didn't realize it. I haven't talked about it in this thread, but I was absent-mindedly in an EA last year. The OW wasn't overtly flirty with me, but we talked more and more, we started going to lunch together (we worked together), etc. But a few months into that, I was talking to her husband, and he said he had suspected we were having an A because she talked about me all of the time (just like my WAW did about OM 3-4 months ago, before she became cold towards me). I was shocked, and at that moment I realized the danger of what we had been doing. From that point, I minimized contact with her, and they moved out of state soon after.

I know she is going throw a more intense version of that now, so I am hoping the fog breaks for her sooner rather than later. After she dropped the bomb on my, I did some clumsy snooping. Before I was caught multiple times and she locked her phone, I found him texting her constantly. It was almost always related to their school projects, and I didn't find a single text that was out of line ON IT'S OWN. But the sheer volume was alarming. And it was all hours of the day, even middle of the night (although my W didn't respond then as she was asleep). She said he did that because he likes to stay up late to work on his share of the projects, and then he sends out updates. I called OM (2 months ago now) and told him to cease the excessive texting. Hopefully it had the same effect on him that the guy had on me last year. If my prevailing belief is correct, that she's not having an A, I'm hoping that the EA has dwindled. She claimed, without provocation, that she barely spoke to OM between semesters, a 4 week break. If that were true, it would be a great sign. I don't believe or disbelieve that statement - I'm choosing not to pay attention to it.

[Card29]

I would also like to report a successful "microgoal" that I made when I read through DR in early July. A short term goal was for her to allow me to go to spinning classes with her again. She used to beg me to go (months ago), but I hated it so I usually didn't. I've recently begun to enjoy them (the first 10 classes suck, then it gets better, so you have to push through those). but in June and early July, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me in those classes. She agreed to go with me to one for the first time 2 weeks ago. 3 days ago, I told her I was going to a class tonight. I didn't even openly invite her to it. But she told me yesterday while we were working on the house that she would be there, too. She asked me about it again today to confirm if I was going.

So, Goal complete! I know it's a tiny victory, but I think it's good for me to recognize tiny victories since this is going to be a long road of them if we do make it.

[Card29]

W shot down a potential trip to see her favorite comedian today. I bought tickets a while back. Since the BD, she said there's no way she's going. Things have been more and more friendly with us, so I was hoping that she would be okay with the trip in mid-Sept (yes, I know, no expectations...). I wasn't going to bring it up until the weekend before, and planned on doing so casually, like, "I'm going to see him this weekend. If you still don't want to go I'll take someone else." But today she preempted that and said she is definitely not going, to go with someone else. I didn't respond negatively or disappointedly. I know I shouldn't, but I'm still holding out a little hope that she'll be open to it in 3 weeks.

Just journaling this.

[Card29]

Journal: I don't think I initiated contact with her once today, yet we talked all day. Most of the convo was about house and finances. But she also talked to me about her fantasy football draft and the music from our spinning class last night. Just making sure I journal the micro victories, as that would not have happened during the 6-8 weeks after BD.

[Ss06]

YAY!!! take the win!!

[Card29]

Down again today. Had to go visit D at daycare just to make it through the work day (it helped ). I have not been able to detach nearly as well this week because we are coming down to the deadline of our house, so any available time I have is spent working on house repairs. Just trying to make it through the weekend. I'm very excited about salsa dancing on Monday! I've never done anything like that, so maybe I'll hate it, but we'll see.

[Card29]

More journaling.

Had some fun with WAW today at house, alone together. But we're both burnt out with the house, and now D2 is sick. I have this sinking feeling she is going to file for D when we sell the house. Maybe it's just my latest depression talking. Kind of felt like I was being amputated today sorting through our stuff, reading loving cards she gave me in recent years. I would pay anything to go back in time and slap me upside the head, to tell myself to wake up and see what was slowly decaying.

I know, I know, the past is over, and it's not the things that made me happy but the events and relationships surrounding them. I am just hoping she is still in her "fog" and is not clearly set on filing. We are best friends and very, very compatible. We just need more time together. But there is no convincing her of that, so I haven't brought it up in over a month now. But I am journaling what I think we should do differently if she ever does ask me, if she doesn't just drop the final hammer.

I was also drug a little down this evening at a friend's house. We were best friends from the ages of 12-20, but we grew apart as I settled down with W. He and his friends are still classic bachelors, drinking and partying every weekend, smoking weed (I never did that, and is the main reason I stopped hanging around). I went over to their house (5 single 30-yr-old guys living together for the last 7 years) for another fantasy football draft (I really don't like fantasy football, but I get roped back into the same leagues every year). It was depressing. My dream is a family, together in one house, married til death do us part, etc. That has always been my dream. I'm terrified that if we do get BigD, I'll end up like that. It just seems so empty.

Still excited about salsa lessons. I don't want to think about WAW, house, or anything during that hour. I just want to DETACH, but it's impossible right now with all of this house work with the realtor deadline rapidly approaching.

[Card29]

Today we went to church together, but something strange happened. She came over to the house before church and seemed to be in a really bad mood. I did not push any buttons I knew would aggravate it, basically just gave her space. I know she had a rough night with D2 (both are under the weather a little), and she is way behind on a paper for school. 10 minutes into the church service, I noticed that her mood was worse. I could just feel her pain after being with her for 10 years. She began shaking her foot, which she does right before she cries, then she grabbed her purse and left. I did not chase, but instead kept an eye on my phone. I stayed the rest of the service (about 45 minutes), then picked up D2 from childcare and found W crying in the car (or she had recently stopped).

I didn't ask her what was wrong because I knew she wouldn't want to talk about it. I just told her to take care of herself and don't worry about the house today if she had something else she could do that would help her (we were supposed to go from church back to the house and continue working on it). She said she wanted to work on the house. We grabbed lunch, ate together at home and things settled back down with her. We had a few more laughs around the house. But it is obvious that she is in tremendous pain. She has struggled with depression for years. That is at a near all-time low right now, she is stressed about school, and I'm sure she is feeling guilt about what is going on with our family. And since I once fell out of love with her, I can empathize with how hopeless it feels that you can ever fall back in love. I totally believe what people say about the WAW feeling 3x's the pain as the LBH.

I wish it wasn't true that there is no reasoning with a WAS. I know we could rebuild love with time and effort, and that it would probably be the best decision of her life, if she looked back on it in the distant future. I also wish I could tell her that there is no risk in trying - that if it doesn't work, we could move on in a few months knowing we really did try. But I know that that is a futile, even damaging convo to have with her, so I will not utter a single word of it. It's just hard not to do knowing that all of our dreams are still there for the taking, they just need courage, effort and time.