WAW, fighting for hope, looking for guidance

[Card29]

Thank you for taking the time to hear my story. I will try to keep it shorthand.

My W and I met freshman year of college, both of us 18. We began dating the next year (2004), were married in 2007, had a daughter in 2012. It's never been perfect between us, but we are best friends. Any recreational or leisure time we spend together is usually wonderful. Unfortunately, we let that time dwindle to next to nothing over the years. We always seemed to be fighting to "just get over this hump" before relaxing. If we can just get into an apartment. If we can just get through the wedding. If we can just get into a house. If I can just find a new job. If she can just get through her MBA. Hindsight is 20/20, but I didn't realize how we let a decade go by trying to get to our happy future. Our time together was always the first thing sacrificed. That has caught up to us.

Two other big problems over time: 1. Her depression, the intensity of which has ebbed and flowed but has usually been there since I've known her. There's nothing terribly unique about that to mention. It led her to treating me very poorly for a number of years, and really hurt our sexual relationship.

2. My own "near walk-away" period about 4 years ago. She didn't know I went through this until recently, but I wanted out. I was sick of how she treated me, and I was also getting itchy to be independent and free. I realized that I'd never really had that. As soon as I left home for college, I met her. 18 months later, we were living together. I stopped loving her. But over time, I came back to her. She stopped treating me badly. She had always balanced the bad with good, and now it was mostly good. Also, my craving for independence waned. She started traveling a lot for business, and while the first few trips of hers (3-5 days each) were liberating for me, I realized what a fleeting desire that was for me. I missed her by the end of each trip and began to dread them. And that was before we had D! The final nail in the bachelor dream's coffin was set this past December. I was able to parlay a European work trip (of mine) into a dream snowboarding trip to Switzerland. I had wanted to go there for 6 or 7 years. The entire trip was 2 weeks, and by the end, when I was snowboarding, I didn't even want to be there. I missed her and my D so much, I couldn't even enjoy it. Whatever remaining doubt I had about what I wanted was squashed. I wanted to be married to her for the rest of our lives. From then until the present day, I love her even more than when I met her.

In March, she started an intensive 16 month EMBA program, required for her job. We knew it was going to be a challenge for us. We tried to establish a weekly date night, but we did not follow through with it (first thing sacrificed, as usual). I didn't spend 5 minutes alone with her over a 5 month period. I talked to her all of the time, and everything seemed okay between us, but I missed her dearly. I kept my mouth closed and just tried to bite the bullet and get through this thing, at least through the first couple of semesters. We had an "us only" trip planned for August.

Required for her program, she went to France for a business seminar, gone for 2 weeks. She has not been the same since she came back. She dropped the ILYBNILWY line and potential separation bomb on me in early June, the week after she returned. I fell into depression for the first time in my life and lost 15 pounds (I'm not very big to begin with). I found DR and read through it. Before I found it, I received support on a couple other prominent marriage support internet forums. Everything has helped me so far, but I'm looking to further that support.

She officially moved out 7/26/14. She lives about 10 minutes away in an apt. We are now selling the house (or about to). I will move into my mom's guest suite, waiting to see what happens with us. We are sharing custody of D equally, and have established a shared calendar.

Now, as far as I know, there isn't an OP. There is a guy from her school that I thought she become too close to, and I confronted her and him about it (excessive texting, although the content was at worst "a little too friendly" but not quite to flirty). She still talks to him, but she has to because of school. They are in a group together (5 total people) which is the same group throughout the first 12 of the 16 months. He was also on the France trip with her. Her, him and 2 other guys spent their free weekend there driving around in Normandy. I was aware of all of this before and after the trip. If I had to guess, I still say nothing happened on the trip other than friendliness, but I can't say I still don't have doubts. I don't know if it was just being away from me AND work, and in another country, that caused her to realize she didn't want to be with me? I don't know.

We talk every day, usually via text or IM. We are in constant communication about D, but "other" talk has increased over the last month. She has agreed to go to church with me every Sunday, but that's only happened once so far (1 out of 3 possible times). Right before she moved out, she suggested we watch the new season of our favorite show, recently released to Netflix, together. This shocked me but made me very happy. I agreed, but every time I've brought it up since then, she has seemed non-committal. I haven't pushed the issue.

I went through 3-4 weeks in June where I was sure she was cheating on me. I snooped, but was caught several times. I didn't find anything unexpected (except for the volume of texts between her and that guy). But after she told me she was going to move out, she locked her phone, changed e-mail passwords, etc. For all of July, I reached peace with the fact that belief that she was not cheating on me. But this weekend I have had a sudden resurgence of doubt. Here are some of the reasons why:

- Last week she had a really bad week with her depression, and she said she had a "really rough" session with her counselor. She won't tell me what it was about. I know she is ridden with guilt right now, but I don't know if it's just because she left or because she is seeing someone else.

- She is using breath mints. She hasn't used breath mints since we were first dating (she doesn't have bad breath, anyway).

- She has become much more focused on her figure. I've always found her attractive, but her weight has ebbed and flowed. She has worked out like crazy and cut down her caloric intake, and now she is stunning. I know that the workouts have helped her depression, and her worsened depression has made her lose her appetite. So those might be the reasons that has increased.

- Her best friend, besides me, has been her cousin, who lives out of town. She never fails to respond to her messages. But I found out a couple of days ago from her cousin that my W hadn't responded to her in a couple of weeks. My renewed paranoia makes me wonder if she is too guilty to admit to her cousin that she's having an A

I still am leaning towards her not having an A, but after we sell the house, we will split our finances, and I am going to hire a PI to find out for sure. What does DB think about that idea? Others have said it is a must.

Now, about ME:

I am trying to 180 but have waned as my worry about WAW has increased over the last week. I had started a weight training program and had improved my diet. I joined a company co-ed kickball league for this fall. I went camping/hiking a couple of weeks ago with some people from work, and I'm taking my D camping for the first time this Friday. I recently accepted a promotion at work, one that will actually reduce my work hours. I'm very excited about that. I have always done the grocery shopping, and I have cooked occasionally, but it has felt good to take care of everything on my own.

Our house situation has been a disaster, though. It's a nice house, and we thought we just needed to touch up a couple of things to get it ready for the market. But we have had disaster after disaster. Plumbing leak after leak, sewer backed up into house twice, new appliances have been a battle with the store, and I just spent 15 hours this weekend pressure washing a deck, fence and sidewalk. We will have some painting to do, then have to get carpet replaced. Sometimes the house work has been a nice distraction and has made me feel good about myself (the things I've been able to finish have turned out great), but at this point I am burnt out and emotionally drained.

I believe I have found a good, solution-based couples-focused counselor that I want to see. Right now WAW does not want to attend with me. This counselor is actually who turned me onto DB/DR in a phone call. I have not met with her yet (finances have been too strained with the house), but I plan to within the next 3-4 weeks. I have a goals sheet, with short-term, attainable goals. I have met some so far, but I need to reevaluate my list (it's been a month or so since I wrote it).

I have the 3-4 pages from DR where people who survived separation give their DOs and DON'Ts photographed in my phone, and I try to read them as often as I can. This has been maybe the biggest help for me so far. Especially to hear them talk about patience, being a friend, and to not believe when WAW says negative things about our past. She told me she hadn't loved me for years. This shocked me and sent me into depression. But after I learned from others that WAW tend to intentionally or even subconsciously misremember the relationship to make it easier to leave, so much made sense to me. I know she was in love with me, even at the beginning of 2014. She wanted to have another baby as recently as January, but decided to wait a few months so she wouldn't give birth in the middle of her EMBA program.

So I guess I'm just looking for support and for help guiding me to the next step. Feel free to ask questions.

[Card29]

Note from today: We were together yesterday working on the house. I accidentally had my wedding ring off (removed it to work out at the gym the other day and forgot to put it back on). She asked me today about it. I was surprised she cared. She hasn't worn hers in months. That combined with the fact that guys have been hitting on her has made it worse for me. Today she told me she is being FB stalked by a coworker. I'm glad she told me, but I really hate the fact that my beautiful W is walking around without a ring, and now more and more people are learning that we're on the rocks. Most are supportive of us as a couple, others are vultures looking to scoop her.

I was in a great mental state in late July, where I was focused on me while being a good friend to her. Trying to get back to that point, but this last week has been hard.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Card29]

Can someone explain the "NO EXPECTATIONS" thing a little? Don't expect any response from her? I thought Michelle said in DR to expect positive responses?

I am trying to detach and did so well for 2-3 weeks until a backslide lately.

[Cristy]

Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach as soon as possible. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Card29]

Still trying to get back to detach mode because the fear of losing her has been strong lately. Went to a fantasy football draft party after work today with coworkers. It was fun while I was there but was lonely when I got home. Tuesday I played the first game of the coed kickball league and that was a BLAST. Went to dinner with a few after the game. I felt great that night. I was back at the mentality of "I love her, it will be the happiest moment of my life if we ever truly reconcile, but I'll be fine if she does make the mistake and leave me." Trying to get back there. Hopefully camping with my D2 and, ironically, hanging out with SIL and her H will help.

[Card29]

She is hosting a party at her apt on Saturday with 3 or 4 guys from her school. They have been a clique for a while. They were the ones with her on her France trip. This includes the guy that I called in June to stop with the excessive texting. This has not been a secret. She told me about it 2 weeks ago. I will be out of town with D2

[Casey]

FWIW, my WAW started exhibiting the same behaviors before she gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. Read some other stories on this forum and you will soon realize that you could probably cut and paste and it would match your situation almost perfectly. My WAW had a beautiful figure before, but she works out fanatically now and lost her best assets in the process, changed her wardrobe, changed her taste in music, started hitting the breathmints, registered for classes again, locked out her phone, started hanging out with friends I never was allowed to meet, etc...

All those things are flags; if it hasn't already been physical it will soon be. But regardless, she is lost to you until she chooses to snap out of it (unlikely) or a hard dose of reality smacks her upside the head. I have read dozens of threads, and those who seem to have the best luck are the ones who are the most decisive and strong-willed; they don't hesitate to hurry her out on her own and then go dark. Make it absolutely clear that R is over as long as their is OM involved, and that includes friendship too. She is not your enemy but she is no longer a friend. Think someone who works in same building but whom you don't socialize with and has a boyfriend.

Good luck...

[Starsky309]

FWIW, my WAW started exhibiting the same behaviors before she gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. Read some other stories on this forum and you will soon realize that you could probably cut and paste and it would match your situation almost perfectly. My WAW had a beautiful figure before, but she works out fanatically now and lost her best assets in the process, changed her wardrobe, changed her taste in music, started hitting the breathmints, registered for classes again, locked out her phone, started hanging out with friends I never was allowed to meet, etc...

All those things are flags; if it hasn't already been physical it will soon be. But regardless, she is lost to you until she chooses to snap out of it (unlikely) or a hard dose of reality smacks her upside the head. I have read dozens of threads, and those who seem to have the best luck are the ones who are the most decisive and strong-willed; they don't hesitate to hurry her out on her own and then go dark. Make it absolutely clear that R is over as long as their is OM involved, and that includes friendship too. She is not your enemy but she is no longer a friend. Think someone who works in same building but whom you don't socialize with and has a boyfriend.

Good luck...

BINGO.

Card, all the warning signs are there. Please be careful, and protect yourself. Is an affair a dealbreaker for you, or could you overcome it if she were to agree to work on the marriage with you?


Starsky

[Card29]

I could overcome it if she was willing to put in all of the work. But I know the strategy varies depending on what's going on. I've begun contacting PI's