This is a continuation of my previous two threads. I'm 3 months out from "bomb drop" day when my affair was revealed. I'd ended the affair 5 weeks prior, but that didn't provide much consolation to my lovely fiancee.
Now, I'm in the middle of obsessing what to do next. I'm writing and rewriting an apology letter (it's been ~6 weeks since the last time I proactively reached out), despite the polite protests of many a friend on here. And I have mounting worries that she is rushing to move on. That's her post-breakup pattern. She once remarried within a year.
I'm also GALing to some degree, but most of my friends (mostly common friends) know I'm still just scraping bottom. The depression is debilitating. And the fixation that "she is the only remedy" is not seeming to go away, despite many slaps to the side of the head .
So... what to do next? I'm making MANY positive changes in my attitude towards sex, my feelings of "need" regarding attention from women, etc (all the things that led to the affair), but I have no idea how to convey that back to W. Or if I should.
Any M who have been in my shoes and made it work? Any WAWs with advice on how to SHOW change, even incrementally?
-DB
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
Why do I get the sense that you're looking for the "magic bullet" here? You've not listened to any of the advice we've given freely and on our own time. Wassup with that?!
1) I am looking for a magic bullet. You got me there.
2) I have indeed taken your advice...
You rewrote my birthday message response. I'm GALing. I'm leaving her alone.
3) I'm also trying to get feedback from more people in the community. I went back and read some early posts to BOND's original sitch, and some people were like, "Yes, I'd like to hear how my H would make things better, even if I angrily denied it."
I feel like I'm not getting much feedback from men who were in my exact situation and made it work, or from women who were in my Ex's situation and forgave. Or am I completely mis-reading people's stories?
I'm mainly getting told what to do, and not a whole lot of "Here's what worked for me." I respond much better to the latter.
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
not a whole lot of "Here's what worked for me." I respond much better to the latter.
'Kay..you got it.
Here's what worked for me.
-Ms. Wonka moves out of the house with the OW in August 2004 -Wrote her a blah blah blah letter in September 2004 (no response) -Discovered DB site October 2004 -Drank the STFU juice a whole warehouse full of STFU -Send Ms. Wonka pictures of our dog that I had sometime in Nov 2004 -Ms. Wonka finally sends me a pix of our cat after my picture (a first) -I send Ms. Wonka a X-Mas card in 2004 -Ms. Wonka sends me one too in 2004 -Ms. Wonka was vacationing in May 2005 and stops by our house (a first in 9 months. notices some changes I've made to the house)
Communication is sporadic between 2005-2007
-Ms. Wonka stays at the marital home in August 2007 after I inform her that our dog was dying anytime -The next few months were testy as Ms. Wonka pushes to sell our house -House sold in Spring of 2008
We've slammed the door on each other one time or another from 2008 until 2012. The only communication we had was sending each other brief HBD texts (twice a year...mine and hers)
-I inform Ms. Wonka in summer of 2011 that my father was dying of cancer and that I'm moving in w/him to help through it -Still exchange HBD texts -Send out a general email to family/friends of my father's passing in early Fall of 2012 (Ms. Wonka responded expressing her condolences) -Our first phone call in over 9 years sometime in November 2012 (we talked about my father's passing, touched briefly on how I did not want to be bitter, then Ms. Wonka said the following to me: "I can see how important family is to you. I would like for us to be supportive, encouraging, and respectful of each other." I think I said something along the lines of "We made mistakes. I forgive you." -Exchange of Xmas cards in 2013 and HBD texts
-2014 Ms. Wonka sends me an actual HBD card for the first time in over 9 years (shocked the heck out of me!!) -We banter over texts in February, March of 2014 -With help from my lovely friends in MLC forum, I compose an apology letter to Ms. Wonka in late March 2014 [9 YEARS LATER] -Ensued some deep email communications for the next two weeks
Then I sent her a brief text wishing her a Happy Fourth. Responded 10 days later thanking me for it and said "I will be in touch later."
With that cryptic message hanging in the air, I simply shrugged my shoulders and said, "Okay. Thanks."
Complete darkness since July 10th.
That is what worked for me by respecting her space.
And I am not actively working on romantic reconciliation here...wanted to be clear and upfront with you here, DB.
I'm a little confused about the variation in your threads. Is this finance the same lady your post was about in 2011......when she told you she did not want to M you and ended the engagement?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
