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Hello, all. I was here a while ago and DBed with success, and I'm sorry to say I'm back here again. It's been a while, and I hope to be able to turn things around again.

Two weeks ago my committed boyfriend of 8 years came home from work and -- out of the blue -- told me, in a rush: "we need to talk; I'm ending our relationship".

All the typical BS happened from there - no, there was no other woman, but he knew things wouldn't change between us, and he isn't happy and so he wants out, we're basically only roommates anyway, and he's moving on, so on and so forth.

The next day I did a boo boo and snooped on his computer; bad, I know, but I was in a raw place. I found a video and some pictures of him cheating on me (with a friend of his sister's). When confronted, he admitted to it but claimed the affair was "over almost a year ago" and that they weren't still seeing each other. The time stamps on the video (taken with his phone and downloaded to his computer) confirm that and he's not really a liar except by omission, so I don't disbelieve the claim.

Obviously this was devastating to me, but I love him and I'm committed to our relationship and trying to make this work. That brings me to a place of DBing.

Of course all our problems weren't just MY fault, but I take personal responsibility in two ways: I am an internet addict and had hormonal issues that caused me to spiral out of a connection with him and pay more attention to the internet than anything else in my life, period. I went on anti-depressants for the hormonal issue a few months ago(which really helped!), but the neglect and lack of anything resembling couple-hood really took a toll on us both and it took him leaving to snap me out of my fog. We were rarely sexually intimate, rarely spent time together doing things. He's a very "attention" oriented person and I know the lack of his needs being met are what got him to this point of "it won't change, I'm done".

Right now we're living in the same house because our landlord won't let me out of the lease - I have the bedroom and he's got the couch. My plan is to give this until October when the lease is due to be renewed, and if he's still staunchly "No, I'm done", then I'm going to move into my mother's house. At that point I'll feel like I tried to fix us, and I'm not re-signing the lease with our relationship on the outs. He thinks he can handle the bills plus rent on his own, which is laughable, but this is the mess he's made, so that's his problem and I'm not concerned with that.


So, I started my 180s:

- acting happy and like I'm moving forward with or without him, but not over-doing it.

- Getting into an internet addicts anonymous program and limiting my time online. I have a very structured plan and I'm doing AMAZING with it, if I do say so myself.

- GAL-ing, and getting out and doing things. Fairs, markets, car shows, geocaching....reminding myself of the things I used to love to do and enjoying them again. No more sitting around the house on the computer and rotting in the same chair. Friday night I didn't come home (spent the night at my mom's, but he doesn't know that!), which is VERY unlike me.

- Getting movies and watching them on the couch at night (instead of coming home from work and burying my head in online games), because he used to do that and invite me to watch and I'd always say I was tired and turn him down in favor of mindless internet crap.

- I'm also texting him, which I know is supposed to be a "no no" but it's a 180 for me. We used to communicate through out the day when things were good and then we stopped when stuff got bad, so I just text little funny images, or anecdotes about work, and let him set the tone for if I reply and when. So far he's responded favorably to that, and chats back very friendly, so I think this is okay if I keep it light and non-relationship oriented.

My only issue is that he's very stoic with his emotions and keeps his cards to his chest, so I don't know how to read him to know if/when my changes are making any kind of a dent. I'm also impatient and anxious by nature, so I need to make sure I'm not my own worst enemy, here, with a combination of it all.

Annnnd other than my whole back-story spiel, I'm on the same roller coaster ride the rest of you are. Trying to work on me in order to salvage a relationship I very much don't want to lose.

Peace and love!


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Hard to know how to act when he's home. His default is friendly, no matter what. He shows no emotion.

I'm cranky and impatient and upset. Blah.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Trying to figure out more 180s for a sitch that was lack of quality time and attention -- without pushing or forcing stuff. He doesn't want to do things together like going out (obviously), but will sit on the couch and watch TV with me and that's about it.

I used to come home from work and get online so I'm reluctant to depart to another room and ignore him, it's what I used to do.

I am going out, not always home, getting a life...but what else?

Not sure what changes to make when "out of sight, out of mind" (IE: doing all the things alone and by myself) is what got me into this mess in the first place.

Is just GAL enough?


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Journaling whilst it's very slow at work:

I recognize my impatience, which means I have expectations. I need to figure out how to have no expectations and be okay with detaching. The problem is, in some ways, I feel like detachment is giving up on us, which I definitely don't want to do. I was way too detached all along, which is why we're here in this spot. How do I detach now, without it being "more of the same"?

It's easy to get wrapped up in the finality of his words ("this has to happen", "I'm just done; I want out" "I'm not happy"), even though I'm not supposed to believe any of them. I get anxious about him seeing the changes and believing that yes, we can work through this and come out stronger.

It's probably not entirely accurate, but I feel like when I'm "acting as if" and GAL and avoiding R talk, he's going, "Good, she's not taking this so badly; we can move on without drama".

The changes I'm making are NOT only for him. I want to change for me because I know my previous self is not the best self I could be (that's laughable; it was just being a blob in a chair and so unhealthy) and I was hurt by my inaction and neglect of MYSELF, as much as I hurt him/us.

He's so damned friendly all the time, I want to see this is affecting him, too. What if it's not affecting him?

I'm scared and I'm hurting. frown

Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 08/18/14 02:11 PM.

BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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I think it might be helpful to step back and realize that it's only been a couple of weeks. When did you start your DB efforts? It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting instant results for our actions. Unfortunately, as everyone here will tell you, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Or in terms of MMORPG lingo, now that you've respec'ed, you're going to have to gain more exp before your AOE can reach him. Make sure to not aggro him while you continue to earn your exp and continue to do your best at staying AFK. laugh

Remember, it took awhile for things to get to this point and if they are going to improve, it will take awhile for them to get better. The changes you make need to be solely for you. If you have looked at yourself and decided that you aren't where you want to be, then make those changes to be the person you want to be, not who you think he wants you to be. If in the process he is attracted to you, then that's icing on the cake.

You mentioned a few of the things you do. Are you also working out? I only ask because in my opinion, there's nothing better than a good workout to help with your state of mind. It doesn't have to be anything crazy, but even going for a walk everyday can make a difference. 20 min/day is the minimum they say if you want to start seeing a change. Also helps to take a look at your diet. Eating healthier can also make a world of difference on your mental state.


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
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Originally Posted By: topgunmb
I think it might be helpful to step back and realize that it's only been a couple of weeks. When did you start your DB efforts? It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting instant results for our actions. Unfortunately, as everyone here will tell you, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Or in terms of MMORPG lingo, now that you've respec'ed, you're going to have to gain more exp before your AOE can reach him. Make sure to not aggro him while you continue to earn your exp and continue to do your best at staying AFK. laugh


I love this advice and I'm thankful you imparted it. What a great way to put it!

I guess I'm impatient about all this because I can't shake the feeling that our time is limited. We don't have kids and so our interaction is sparse and limited to only whenever we're both home (and right now some friendly texts through out the day). Since one of my 180s is getting out of the house and not sitting around doing nothing, that limits things even more.

We live in the same house now, but we've mutually agreed that he'll take over the apartment when it comes time to re-sign the lease in October, and I'll move out. After that, there's zero anything going forward. No reason to talk, nothing. No more opportunities to DB or anything.

At that point, it's going dark, whether or not I want to. Sure, the going dark may make him see what he's missing, but I know my man and by and large it will be his opportunity to not think about it, to sit on his emotions until they go away. Game over.

I don't want to waste the opportunities I have being in the same personal space, for the next month and a half.

It's making me anxious and upset...so while I see what you're saying with the marathon and not a sprint....I feel like time's working against me.


Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 08/18/14 06:11 PM.

BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Not every R can be saved. You can't control it.

Not what anyone wants to hear, but feeling like if you play your cards right you'll get him back will do two things: 1) drive you crazy, 2) decrease any chances you have. You can't speed it up or guarantee anything. You can just control you.

That's not easy to apply but linking detachment to giving up is a mind trick we use to try to manipulate or live in denial. I know, I've been there. I was controlling in my M and first started DBing as an attempt at further control. If you love something set it free...


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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I posted a very long reply to this very shortly before the boards went down and now it appears to have disappeared! frown

So, I realized after a lot of thinking that you're right and I need to detach. I also came to the realization that, while I love this man and don't want to throw away 8 years, I can't stay stuck in one place waiting for him to come to some magic realization.

I'm still DBing and doing 180s. We've had a few R talks that were all started by him -- mostly relating to the past and him doing the talking. I keep listening, validating his feelings, and then reminding him that I can't change the past, only the future -- becoming the person I want to be, shedding the person I was with unhealthy behavior, and enjoying being alive and in the "now". He seems to take what I say and think about it, every time, but so far no budging on the "we need to part ways" thing.

He told me the other night that he talked to the landlord about some things concerning the apartment. I was sure he was about to say "...and I told her that you're moving out in October, not re-signing the lease, and I'm taking the lease over on my own", but it never came. I don't know why he didn't broach it, and I'm trying hard not to read into it.

We're still friendly, as always. Talkative. Watching TV together at night because we're stuck in the same house.

I'm not pushing, trying to be super friendly and "moving-on with or without you" conscious.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Journaling:

Even having made a choice to move forward, this is tough on me. Living here is hard when I want to R talk and I wish he'd change his mind.

Trying hard to let it go and work on me, knowing he's just focused on moving forward without me. It hurts.

Is it possible he's unaffected by DBing and 180s?


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Two Sided,

First, I'm sorry you find yourself here. This board is a great support system. Gotta ask. Why do you want to talk about the R? I'm just curious because your bf says it's done. And your old R is done. So I'm wondering why you think talking about the R changes anything? There is nothing you will say that will change anything. Actions speak louder than words.

First, DBing and GAL is for you. I know you are frightened, however wondering if he noticed your changes doesn't help you in any way. And even if you move in Oct, that doesn't mean R isn't possible.

It's great that you are making changes for you yo be a better person. Keep the focus on you. Go for a walk. I know it's difficult. However, you will be fine.

Hang in there. It gets better ;-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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It's very difficult. I get what you're saying but it's hard to just turn off my emotions. I love him and I do want to change our R, for the better. That desire doesn't disappear just because he believes he's done.

My head knows things, but my heart wants what it wants.

I've been spending time at my mom's house, just to not be here. Driving a lot. Walking. Motorcycle course is coming up soon.

Just riding out feeling miserable, praying for a miracle a lot, and trying to better ME.

He's hardly ever here, likely avoiding the situation. Oh well.

Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 08/31/14 08:45 PM.

BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Got up early today (180) to find him home watching TV. Asked if I could join him and he said of course. Sat and watched some recorded shows he'd been meaning to get to. We Played with the cats, I dozed off for a bit.

At about 10 I got dressed in a summery dress (180, feels good) and some light, pretty jewelry. Told him I'd see him later and hoped he'd have a sparkling day, left the house (180) although I had no distinct plan. Decided to go to moms and sit outside on her porch and read. Been missing my books when the internet was my focus.

Feels good to get out of the same four walls. smile

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Having a small panic attack.

I don't want to leave this house. To pack. To end my life as I know it after 8 years. I didn't choose this. I'm so hurt and it's like a sore wound has opened up to bleed again.

I'm okay 90% of the time but right now I'm a sobby mess.

He's not seeing it, of course, and won't. But I'm having such a hard time right now. frown


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Hang in there. It will get better, one way or the other. Don't move out unless you have absolutely no choice.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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When he came home last night, I was on the phone gabbing with some friends in a Skype call. He surprised me because I didn't hear him come in and he laughed when I jumped, and told me all he could hear when he walked in was me laughing.

He hung around for a bit until I was off the phone and then we chatted and laughed for a while. He expressed frustration with his job and I listened quietly and then validated with things like "...yeah, I can see how that would be super frustrating" and stuff like that. Considering the last year of our R was nothing but me on the computer while he passed out on the couch, it was a nice change. I kept up the PMA when I was interacting with him, didn't let any of what I was feeling earlier in the evening creep into my attitude.

No R talk, but it did lead into some physical stuff, which I'm okay with emotionally. Part of his issues with our R was that we didn't have enough physical intimacy (it's his LL), so I wanted to do a 180 and not turn him down when he was initiating. I know it doesn't mean squat in the grand scheme of the R, right now, and I'm not letting it get my hopes up. Still, it as nice. Our physical relationship was always great when it was active.

I sat and listened to him play his guitar for a while after, and then moseyed to bed.

He took the day off of work today -- normally he's out the door before I even get up. This morning he came out to greet me as I was making a bagel and then we watched the weather on the news before I had to gather my stuff to leave. I told him "I'm out; have a great day" and left.

Feeling positive about my DBing efforts today; I haven't let my emotions of the moment rule me (180!)!!!

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Came home from work to find the grass mowed. I'd been paying a friend to do it, but stopped when BD hit. Keeping in mind one of his complaints was that he felt I critiqued everything he did to help out (so he stopped), I sent him a thank you vi text:

Me: Did you mow in this nasty heat? High five, looks great. Thanks, it's much appreciated!"

Turns out he had a buddy of his that owes him money do it. His reply included he explination in a funny way and a "LOL", along with "next mowing is all me" so I replied, "Hahaha! Tell him thanks, then, and thanks to you, in advance, too!"

Left to at that. 180 of heaping appreciation. smile


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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yay! Heaping appreciate is never a bad thing, IMO!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Having a hopeless moment. Figured I post. I know this is a marathon and not a sprint but the roller coaster ride of emotions has me still.

Right now (at this very moment) I'm scared he's seeing my efforts as an amiable split. I'm scared he's as done as he said he was in the beginning.

Truth is I have no idea what's going on in his head and there's always hope. I need to focus on me, not him. Every day is a new day.

I feel marginally better, now.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Didn't see him last night -- went out to do some stuff with my mom and by the time I got back home, he was asleep. I'm hopeful that the fact I was out until 10pm on a work night got his gears turning; no more sitting at home for me doing nothing. wink

Won't see him tonight, Thursdays are a late evening for him. I'm going to focus on some stuff around the house and do me things.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Surprise, he was home last night. Usually Thursday is his late night out with the boys, but he said he wasn't going. Odd.

We spent time in the basement listening to music and tidying up some things that had been neglected. I was helpful and funny and dancing around.

I have a hard time gauging what's a positive response from him and what's normal "friendly, getting by" behavior, but we were relaxed. Anyway you slice it, it's spending time together, I guess.





BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Ugh. I so badly want to pin him down and talk at him about the R. To get my thoughts and beliefs out. To cheerlead for US and advocate for the good we could have if he were willing to just try.

I'm just journaling to get it out and let it go. I'm in a weak moment. Yuck.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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TWC,

I frequently want to do status checks and see where we are in the R to to make sure we're on the same page or whatever but the reality is, right now it doesn't matter. You're working on YOU and giving him space. That doesn't require a R talk.

Leave it and keep busy.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Yes, you're right. I know it.

Can I get some advice on physical intimacy? I'm not sure when continuing hinders more than it helps. I've been operating on the theory that our R was sex starved and it's a 180 for me to be ready when he is. I do enjoy it and want to be intimate, so it's not all him, but I'm conflicted about whether or not it's hurting my DB efforts.

At first he said he felt guilty afterward and we had to stop (he didn't want to give me or himself false hope and he can't separate his emotions from sex, and he needs to detach); I said fine; no big deal.

Now it seems he's initiating more.

Dunno what that's about. Did he decide he can be intimate with no feelings? I won't mind read, I guess.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Reading through your posts, I am not sure if you are actively working with a Divorce Busting coach. If not, it would be extremely helpful to get a professional perspective on your situation. Please call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004.


Roberta, Resource Coordinator
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Roberta@divorcebusting.com
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Totally can't afford it, but thanks.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Taking SD12 geocaching, just the two of us tomorrow. We never really had a tight relationship and I feel guilty about that. I asked her if she wanted to go and she was excited and asked her mom right away.

Kind of excited, myself. We all used to geocache all the time but that fell by the wayside in recent years. frown


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Had so much fun yesterday with SD12! 7 caches, the mall, Buffalo Wild Wings, a movie, ice cream and another movie on the laptop.

We were giggling until 1am, in my bedroom, when he came I from the couch and laughingly told us it was time to sleep. LOL, like a slumber party.

Today she didn't want to go to breakfast with him, but wanted to hang more with me! So we did! Ha!

180s abound! smile


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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PMA is up there today. I have plans for dinner tonight, tomorrow night and Wednesday. Three different people! I feel like a social butterfly compared to the hermit I was.

H and I (I know we weren't married but H is better than no name) had a nice talk about SD12 and how her mom doesn't really invest in her. He says he's glad I'm willing to do so. It's a 180 so in hope the change is stewing in his brain. Point is he noticed.

He sent some sexy/racy texts after we said good night and went to our own beds. Reminds me of the beginning of our R when we couldn't get enough of each other and did the same. Still no R talks but I expect nothing either way in that department yet. I played it cool, but "there" when he initiated playfully. I do want him to feel like his needs will be met with me, as opposed to the ignoring of them I did before.

Test the waters, baby; I'm paying attention!


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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I wonder where random moments of panic come in. I'm fine and dandy all day long and then suddenly a stray thought comes across my brain and I'm nervous and anxious again.

If and when he wants to work on us, he'll let me know. He does know and understand I'm not "for" a break up and I want like hell to work on it. I don't need to peruse this or "make sure he knows". He knows.

I think I'm circling back to the "a huge part of what broke us up was my nonavailability to him, and this -feels- like the same old sh*t".

I need to relax and detach.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Background: I'm going to be the one to move out, def by the end of October. At first I resisted the idea (all the standard "you want out, not me" reasons), but then I realized I can't afford rent plus utilities and maintenance alone. Neither can he, but that's another story for another day. I told him I'd move, but he had to give me the $1k I put of my own money into the security deposit when we moved in 8 years ago.

We settled on him paying off my new laptop (bought on Dell credit, in his name) which is less money, but comparably priced.

He texted me today to ask for the password for the account to pay this month.

My stomach sank because this may be a sign he's not changing his mind about the R.

I told him that I'd tried to log in from work, and the account was locked out because they didn't recognize the IP address. If he called them they'd unlock it and he could get the account info.

He texted back a thanks and I said: "Sure thing! :)" even though I wanted to cry.

I was out at the mall after dinner with a good, supportive friend, and kept my PMA up despite the crappy texts.

This is not over yet and there is still hope. I need to relax.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
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Let's see: I was in bed before H got home last night. When I woke up this morning he was up, so apparently he took his weekly day off today (he gets 1 week day and Sunday). I said, "good morning grumpy pants" with a teasing tone, and he laughed and said good morning. Then I ignored him, kindly, just going about my business.

He hovered around playing with the cats as I got ready for work. As I was walking out the door, he told me to have a good day, which I thanked him for in a bright tone, without slowing my stride or looking back at him.

With that, I'm taking stock of my 180s:

- Less internet time, more time out and not at home. Huge 180. In fact, my computer has been off at home for a while.

- I'm making the bed every morning (I find that I don't sleep too destructively, and it's easy to just slip out of bed and pull up the covers) and making an effort to keep the bedroom clean of clutter.

- Cleaning up after myself in the kitchen, not getting lazy about house work.

- not asking questions as to where he's been or what he's doing.

- Spending time with him like I would a roommate (IE: friendly and not oppressively) watching TV or helping with projects at home, because one of his problems with our R was that we lived in separate rooms all the time.

- Sending (limited and sparse) funny pictures/jokes/observations via text during the work day, because when we first started dating we used to call each other at lunch daily and keep in touch and gradually we slipped into ignoring each other through out the day near the end. I keep my responses chill and spaced out far apart to his. If he doesn't respond, I don't push it with more.

- When he initiates intimacy, I'm enthusiastic and on board and playful. Our R was so sex-starved and it was a big thing for him; this was a big thing our R was based on in the beginning -- not just physically but emotionally/connection wise, too. Right now I'm comfortable with it, no expectations it will fix the R or he'll want to come back because of it. Keeping a close eye on it.

I'm trying to think of some more, good 180s that will benefit me first, and him as a side effect.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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This morning brings a flurry (albeit friendly) of texts this morning from H, talking about bills and reminding me we need to change the gas over into his name. He says he's not keeping the cable internet so I can cancel that whenever I'm ready.

My replies were in the realm of "Sure, not a problem", "I'll call this week", "Yep, you got it."

Kind of hard to be positive and have hope when we're talking about this crap. I hate the assumed finality of it. It just brings my PMA down.

Marching forward, burying myself into work, trying to rise above and just not think about it.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Two Sided,

I too was in a SSM (there was always a kid climbing in the bed:-). Nothing wrong with being intimate with your h provided you have no expectations. My xh also said he had to have feelings for someone when intimate with them. We had lots of S before he moved out and again, I didn't think that would change anything so that was fine.

I understand the weird feelings of transferring bills to others name, etc. Just know that this is the time to focus on you and you wil be fine. Difficult I know.

Hang in there!

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/10/14 12:57 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
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Trying not to spiral into a thought pattern of:

"Well, he's obviously REALLY done. I obviously have no hope. I should just give up and tap out."

I don't want that. At all. But now my PMA is in the toilet and I want to either freak out and get all emotional and pushy on him, or just go dark for a week so I can be miserable alone and wallow.

LOL! I'm being super dramatic. I'll do neither of those things. I'll try to find some hope some place and remind myself it's always darkest before the dawn.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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H texted me thanking me for taking SD12 to get her iPod fixed tonight, and I mentioned that a mutual friend we've both lost contact with sent me a message on a dating site I'm on (just to say hi).

I'm mostly on the site just looking to see what's out there, but the mention of it piqued his interest. Soooo...I lied and told him I had a date, because I was feeling stupid and retaliatory.

He told me he hoped it went well and to make sure he's got a car, a job and doesn't live with his parents and made a few other jokes before the texting died off.

I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish, if anything, but he didn't seem phased.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Two Sided Coin,

I know you are new in this sitch and are struggling. It's a very difficult place to be. Doing something to get a reaction from your h t(the man he is now) will leave you with results you probably won't like.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
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Yep - you're right. You're very right. frown


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
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I told H last night that when I move out, I wanted to pay for SD12's karate. Both he and her mother are strapped for cash and she'd have to give it up totally, because H said he'd pay for it before we broke up (I had offered, too, but then realized that I was cutting it close and couldn't do it), and now he's not going to have the funds if he's got to pay for rent, utilities and incidentals alone.

She's a brown belt now and has 2 years to go until her black belt. She and I were talking on an outing last night and I'd really like to do this for her. When I move, I won't have rent to contend with, so my situation would comfortably allow for it.

I texted H and he texted back asking me why I'd do that. His exact text was something like "Why would you do that? It costs X, Y and Z. Why would you even want to do that?", which I took as slightly argumentative.

I told him that it was my idea to get SD into karate in the first place(over 7 years ago) and I wanted to help out now. It's not her fault that both he and her mom are in the positions they're in monetarily. I know that SD and I haven't been close in the past and I regret that; there's a lot about the past I'd change but it's not too late now.

I guess in the end we settled on him not minding if I help.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Oops. Huge backslide. frown

Text discussion about the R started by me and I lost my cool because all he's focused on is the past. Ugh.

So mad at myself.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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What do I have to do to get more input on my thread? I feel like I'm talking to myself. frown


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Two,

No R talks- especially via text. Good googly that's a no no. There is nothing magical for you to say to reconcile your R. Your old R is done and I know that just sukks to hear. Arguing with your xbf is not going to get you closer to him. Focus on you. Live your life and focus on being the best you Two Sided you can be. I don't mean to be harsh-that's just the truth. Being the best Two sided is the way to reattract him if that is what you want.

What are your 180s? What changes have you been making for yourself?



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
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A ton of 180s.

I'm never home anymore, I hardly ever go online except these boards on my phone, I keep the house tidy. I'm playing softball and hanging out with friends. Wearing dresses, perfume, caring about my appearance again. Internet Addicts Anonymous meetings.

All I did before was go online and work, so this is a huge lifestyle change. It's all a 180, really.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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That's great to hear. However, this takes time and there is nothing you are going to SAY that is going to change your sitch. Keep up the changes for you!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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I know. A weak moment caught me. It feels like my soul has been ripped from my chest. Yuck. I feel hopeless and I hate that.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Crappy day transformed into some depression. Didn't get out of bed until 2pm today because I just couldn't stand feeling the same old agony in my body anymore. Tried some meditation and fell asleep again. Oops.

Even though I know for a fact that anything can change at any time, and I'm not supposed to believe what he says (because he's only focused on the negative and it takes a while for that to fade), I can't stop thinking about the things said in that text exchange last night.

There was a lot of blame on me, some deserved and some not, obviously only focusing on the last year or two of our relationship and apparently forgetting any good that ever existed in 8 years and about how he "so appreciates me as a person" but his "mind and heart are not on continuing an R with [me]".

I declared that focusing on the past wasn't fair when he had someone willing, ready and able to change those issues for the present and future, not only for herself, but for the relationship.


THIS is why you listen to the rules, kids, and don't get into R talks when your H/W isn't interested -- because it only hurts you.


When he came home last night with SD12, everything was "normal" in terms of he was friendly. He went out of his way to tell me good night when he finally turned in to bed on the couch.


I just can't get myself out of a hopeless head space today. And the weather is gorgeous, so I feel very guilty about wanting to hermit inside, too.

ALSO still wondering how I can get more input on my thread. I appreciate that one person has taken an interest but it seems like others pass it by, even though I post on others' threads, too. Hmmmmm! grin

Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 09/14/14 06:54 PM.

BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Journaling:

It bugs me how H maintains this friendly, "nothing is wrong in my world, let's be friends" attitude. Not because I want there to be strife between us, but because I can't use his behavior as a measurement of his mood or the DBing progress.

I, of course, return the pleasantness and try to show him only a PMA and cooperation, but....you know what I'm saying?

Last night he came home from wherever he'd been all Sunday long (I later found out he went to visit a couple who have been long time friends of his with SD12 -- I wonder if he told them that we'd split; I really liked them) and he was chatty and yet again began playing with the cats, making the kitten run around like a madman after a laser pointer. The kitten is growing like a weed and we have a chest-high gate originally meant to keep them from getting into the living room. When he was very little, he would just slip right through the bars, but now he's bigger and having a tough time fitting and not realizing what the issue is (Duh! You're growing!). We were messing with him, making him squeeze through after the pointer, and since he was running like the wind he wasn't being careful about the mooshing and was making the gate rock when he yanked his hind-end through. It was hilarious, and we were cracking up.

All that amounts to diddle squat as far as it's "standard operating procedure" and it bothers me. I know -- I have expectations and I need to detatch. smirk



BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Went to a flea market/auction with a girlfriend after work (he had no idea whom I was with) and, knowing H is into such things I asked if he's ever heard of the one we were going to. We had a flurry of text messages through out the evening, discussing pieces and the hobby. A good flow of conversation.

I got home way after him, and we watched some TV for a while, separate on the couch. We played with the cats again. Giggled and laughed.

It lead into more intimacy. Odd how I expect nothing to come of sex, but it's fun!


I wanted to point out that if we had spent time together at the auction and snuggled while watching TV and then gone to the same bed after sex -- all of which were very do-able-- we'd be "working on the R" and it wasn't so bad, was it?

I didn't of course, but man.....

Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 09/16/14 03:17 AM.

BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Two: coming in late to chk on your sitch, since u were kind enuf to weigh in on mine.

I swing back and forth between DB'g for me and doing it hoping for a result, too. But with practice I am getting better. I CHOSE to come home to my family tonight in good humor. To be a ROCK. And they needed it. Details are mundane, but after dealing with stressed kids, wife, and oldest D, W gave me a hug and apologized for being so grumpy!!

That's after a minor backslide yesterday when I insisted on R talk, which went about as expected.

Keep it up making a better you! And I'll read the whole thread here to get some insight.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
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Thanks for the check in! Been lonely around here!!


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T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Two,

It's great that you've had some positive exchanges with him. I don't say this to be harsh-just honest after some time spent here. Don't confuse intimacy,sex laughter with you xbf working on the R. I hear you saying that you don't, however, you are very attached. Focus on detaching. It's a process and you will feel much, much better once you get that started. It is rather obvious in your posts that you think *something* will make him change his mind or *snap out of it.*

Keep reading and posting.

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/16/14 12:33 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
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I know the odds of him changing his mind are nil. But you're right in that I want it a lot. smirk


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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I'll echo what Georgiabelle said...detach. Encourage friendly exchange, validate, be decent. But continue your GAL and let him pursue - but don't always be available (that includes intimacy). You are not a "side" piece for his convenience while he boots you out.

I absolutely support you in trying to maintain/strengthen the R with your SD. Children have too few good people in their lives, and plenty of influences trying to tear them down. If you want to help with karate, GREAT. But don't use it as a tool to maintain contact with H.

More to follow, but work beckons. Have an amazing day.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Thanks guys!


BF:40 M:33
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BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Changed my FB status to single. Posted a quick "we broke up, no hard feelings if mutual friends aren't comfortable keeping me on".

Sending letter to the landlord tonight stating I won't be re-signing the lease.

Think I get he won't be returning to this R.

S u c k s, but PMA is up.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Got boxes. Planning to pack some.

Mom is stressed and cranky because she's working full time and is having a hard time finding time for the shuffling of junk and the cleaning of the spare rooms and repairs so that I can move in; she's feeling rushed. H is politely on my case about WHEN I'm leaving, and I'm in the middle. Whatever.

H asked me about payment for SD12's karate today. I told him a week or more ago "when I move out, because my expenses will change then", but Mr. Impetuous only read half of what I said, apparently. I clarified and then apologized for not communicating it well. With a smile for good measure. LOL! Killing him with kindness, as the saying goes.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Blah.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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First off, let me say that I'm sorry to see you in here with us. It is a dark and lonely place to be.

I too find myself in the same place so my heart and prayers go out to you. Keep trucking and i wish you guys the best! I will continue to monitor your sitch. I know if helps to get all the support you can get!

Take a look at my sitch if you get a chance, I havent had much traffic either, helps to get anothe opinion/perspective smile

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...937#Post2489937

Last edited by mandown; 09/22/14 04:08 PM.

ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
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Finished my motorcycle course this weekend with a passing grade. Now I can take the 14 question test at the DMV to get the motorcycle endorsement put on my license. This has been something I've wanted and planned for a long time but never took steps to do it, which I know frustrated H on many levels (lack of initiative, a common interest we could have done spending time together, and so on).

He gave me a fist bump and a friendly hug when I told him I passed.

He also came home with some junk from a tag sale last evening. H is somewhat of a hoarder; not so bad the house is over-flowing with junk, but he definitely has multiples of things. It's hard to live in the same place with him because it gets very cluttered with stuff. This was a source of tension with us, because when he'd buy one guitar (snow blower, radio, vacuum cleaner) he'd buy 10 more (or get them for free and fix them up but they'd sit around after.....).

I just listened and smiled as he explained about his finds and didn't say boo.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
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Trucking along with my efforts to get involved in the things I like and want to be involved in. 48 days now, without my internet addiction having me in its clutches. I'm feeling good and in control of my habits.

Just insured my motorcycle and will be sending out the payment for registration this week. Saturday I'm going to complete the test and get the endorsement added to my license. I'm excited to get some on-the-road experience, and it will save me gas money and mileage on my leased car. smile

Mom's still struggling to get the bedroom ready for me. She's got to clear out the spare bedroom being used as storage before she can paint it, before my brother can move his things out of the master bedroom into there....before she can paint the master bedroom and then move me into it. She works for herself (8 hours a day, usually) and is an older, single mother to my 13 year old brother, so I know she's stressed. She hates deadlines and questions like, "Do you have an approximate date that X will be completed, so I can plan?", because they make her feel ore stressed. Since she's doing me a huge favor, I'm not inclined to hassle her about it.

I'm also sort of glad she's dragging (unintentionally) because I really don't want to leave the apartment with H. But, having said that, I know it's just a matter of time before he starts getting cranky about me still being there and asking when I'm leaving. Maybe the fact he hasn't pushed about it thus far can be seen as a positive -- who knows?

On that front, still seeing no visible movement with H as far as our sitch goes. Still the same, polite, friendly interaction with no signs of anything wrong in his world, just the "new" status quo. Our interaction is still limited because we're both hardly ever home.

I'd love to know what's going on in his head (or maybe I wouldn't!).



BF:40 M:33
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T: 8, never married, no kids together
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Super friendly morning chatter. He followed me around while I did my morning routine.

Sigh. So hard to accept he feels done when he acts like this.


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Poop really hit the fan last night, whoo boy.

OW (a friend of H's sister) and H have been done with their affair for a long time. Apparently she's married and was not only sleeping with H, but another guy, too, at the same time. It boggles my mind, but I digress - she and this guy have been on and off and she may or may not be leaving her husband for him (I don't know what's true and what's not).

Through a convoluted circle of friends and circumstances, last night the other guy found out that OW had slept with H. It DID NOT come from me; I have no interest or care in OW and her life. It came from a mutual friend who is going through something similar and had good, albeit misguided intentions. The other guy confronted OW, who apparently broke down sobbing and then admitted to the whole thing.

Then the other guy asked to meet up with me and the friend that spilled the beans (in a strange coincidental twist, the two are apparently very good, life-long friends), because he wanted to catch up with her and hear my side of the story. I basically only told him what H had told me, that I had seen email and video proof it had happened, and confirmed the dates that I was told it all occurred. He told me that OW and he were trying to make a legitimate "go" of their relationship and she had filed for a D with her husband last month. He's going to sleep on what he wants to do regarding their R.

We had a beer. We parted ways.

As I was driving home, apparently OW texted H and sold him a sob story that I was picking on her and causing trouble for the fun of it. She pumped his head full of half-truths...and some completely made up bull.

In turn, H blew up at me, reaming me a new one through text messages, and accusing me of all kinds of lies OW put into his head; including that she and her H are trying to work on their marriage and me bringing this up is dangerous to that. He says "this woman I haven't talked to in forever is suddenly blowing up my phone" and he doesn't appreciate it, or the associated drama. He accused me of showing the other guy all the proof -- emails and the video. He accused us of going through his email, which I haven't done since the day I found out about the A and then gave my word I was done snooping and would respect his privacy from there on out. His texts were super long and super frequent, that I couldn't keep up. Plus, I was driving. He refused to call me so we could talk about it voice to voice, so I told him I couldn't respond with a book via text while I was driving and I'd talk to him when I got home. I stopped answering.

When I got home I told him that, first of all, he had the situation totally wrong. I explained what went down in actuality (how it wasn't ME that started anything and I NEVER showed the other guy f*&^ all). I told him if I had wanted to cause poop with OW, I would have done it two months ago when I found out about the A.

I then told him that the story I heard from the other guy was not at all what OW was telling H, and that I didn't care what the truth was either way -- OW and other guy's poop is between them and I couldn't give less of a poop about it.

THEN I told him that he had some pretty big balls to be yelling at me and upset at me for supposedly causing drama; me the woman he cheated on and hurt. I've done nothing wrong and I won't be treated like I have, period. If he didn't want drama in his life, he should have thought of that before he boned another woman, one with a husband and another man besides that.

The conversation ended pretty amicably (by which I mean I could tell he at least believed me that I didn't start any of it and wasn't looking to cause trouble), though I know things will still be strained for a while.

H knows I'm a truthful person and I've never played him false before. I'm SO emotionally exhausted today.


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Roller Coaster goes up as fast as it goes down. Talked last night out via text and we're on an even keel, now.

He asked again when my mom was going to be done with the rooms and I told him her predicament. I told him he could call her if he wanted to, but I wasn't comfortable pushing her considering. He took that well, but then said we should part out our things so the process is easier when she's done.

Boo. Fine. frown

We talked for a few minutes about some items, including how I need to get my old CB radio and computer monitor from him (one's the basement, the other's in his car); they're decidedly mine but he's been using them for a long time, now.

Finally I told him if he wanted to trade a motorcycle battery and oil change for both items, I'd be cool with that. We'll do the oil change together so he can teach me how. He amicably agreed. And, hey, it's an opportunity to spend time with him, too, no? :P

A while after all that, he sent me a text letting me know his job switched him to another office, which he's been waiting on for a while. The location he's in now makes him miserable and he feels like the people that work there talk down to him and treat him like an idiot. This is information I'd expect him to tell me at home, in passing as a "by the way", not purposefully texting me to share good news, so I was kind of surprised. I congratulated him and I told him I hope he's 200% more happy with the new place and it makes his life a little easier.

Working on keeping the PMA up with him, but inside my tummy is clenching and I don't want to move or even talk about it. Yuck.


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What a crappy couple of days.

I asked SD12 if she wanted to have dinner with me. She said her mom said okay and so I picked her up. SD says her mom won't be home tonight so she wanted SD to put the cat in the house.

Uh, what? I quietly text H and ask if he's aware of this. No, he's not. He freaks and texts his ex, SD's mom.

All poop breaks loose. SD never asked if she could go with me and her mom was coming home at 9pm.

Now SD is grounded, and H is even more cranky. No at me, but the drama. I feel guilty; indirectly it's all my involvement. He also hates dealing with his ex and her husband.

I did tell him he did a great job disciplining SD - we rarely saw eye to eye where she was concerned (I was bad cop, he was good cop) but I told him tonight that he's a great dad and she's lucky she had one parent who's concerned and cares.

I also noticed when he came to pick SD up he'd replaced a geocache we hid together with a new box and log (the old ones were in his car and I asked about it). Alone, I hope, not with some chick.

Either way it stung - geocaching was "our thing". Sigh.

So freaking tired.


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Two-sided. Just checking in. You've always been very kind in my threads. Thank you.

Sounds like you need a new "thing"

And I like the move by the SD from a purely human respect angle. Feisty. She's probably going to turn out okay. If adults think they can enforce discipline when they themselves are acting like children, they are often wrong (I am speaking of your H and his X, not you.)

And she misses you. Someone involved with the sitch should recognize that.

Okay, I'm a bad parent on this one. But fresh perspective comes from funny places sometimes.


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Thanks, Shake.

H texted me this morning. SD's mom doesn't want her hanging out with me alone. She says I wasn't interested for 8 years so I can't now. Duh, Internet addiction, it wasn't personal.

H says he knows I'm genuine but he tried. I thanked him. I asked why we can't spend time together - him legit taking her but letting me come along now and then.

He says he needs time apart and living together makes it hard on him. I validated, told him I understood that was important to him.

FML. I hate this sitch.


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Two Sided,

I hope this doesn't come across as adversarial, however you are taking an interest now when that wasn't the case prior. I realize that is a 180 for you, however when the old R is done, some of what you are doing comes across as pursuit. I know you mentioned that you didn't like that detachment was promoted as you wanted to reattract your BF. I get that. However, pursuing won't be seen as attractive. I know you are working on somethings for yourself and that is exactly where your focus should be. You do understand why SD's mother would question your intentions after 8 years, correct (internet addiction aside).

Hope that makes sense. Hang in there! It gets better:-)



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Yes, I get it. I'm just frustrated and upset. I'll let the situation mellow, I guess. frown


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In an attention starved sitch, do I want to persue? Was just considering this. Lightly? I don't know.

That's why I text him: we were basically ignoring each other for a while; I want him to know that's not me anymore.


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I was planning on going semi-dark, and not contacting H first. Then I get a text from him while he was at work today.

Back story: his X has picked her new husband over the kids in a manner of ways, including when he put his hand around SD12's neck in an argument and pinning her to a wall. SD12's sister (X's daughter from another relationship) saw it happen. CPS was called, X claimed that it didn't happen and both SD12 and her sister were lying, picking him over them. SD12 was with us for a while, ultimately they had to go to counseling and SD12 was allowed to go home with them. This was about three years ago.

So the transcript of today's texting is as follows:

HIM: "i don't want SD12 hanging out with [Coin], tell her to back the @#$% off or i will". That is from X, she sent it out of the blue today. why is she trying to call me over and over and texting me all of a sudden? She is such a @#$% head.

ME: She's insecure and taking it out on me, rather than being glad her child has positive influences that care about her. Sorry you have to deal with her. I don't know what the issue is. I mean, at least we know I won't choke her. wink

HIM: Yeah, no s@#$. LOL. Did you try to talk to X about SD12?

ME: Nope, not at all.

HIM: I think it's her husband as usual, giving her s##$#, so it's rolling down hill.

ME: He seems controlling, it's too bad..but I will respect what they want, because I have no choice. frown

ME: I don't expect her to get realizing I made mistakes and wanting to fix them, and knowing from that that SD12 is an amazing person. X is not a "learn lessons and better one's self" kind of a person.

HIM: The funny part is if she spent more time with SD12, she wouldn't have to cling to other people. I want you in her life, you're good for her.


Don't know what it means on the grand scheme, but....


BF:40 M:33
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2S Coin - really hard not to mind read there. But, like a lot of things we do, it won't have an immediate effect. You showed support and we're able to put a 180 on display. However, while it doesn't seem like you were trying to put SD in the middle, it would be easy for a third party to interpret it that way.

Tread lightly.


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We ran into each other at the house for like 5 minutes last night. He apologized for his X again and I told him it wasn't his fault, he can't control it. I started to cry, eyes leaking, but quickly pulled it together - his mouth did the quirky thing it does when he's feeling emotional himself. Sympathy this time I think.

He ended up having SD12 over night so I got to see her. Hugged her hard. Cuddled and giggled and tickled and laughed while H looked on. Theb went to bed.

This morning I was up and out the door by 8:30, a 180 (I'm usually a very late sleeper).


BF:40 M:33
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2S Coin. Just checking in. Keep working those 180s. Glad to hear you had a chance to maintain the R w/SD12.

One thing I know from talking to adults who I knew as kids, and my own experience. You never know what memory, good or bad, is going to stick in a young person's mind. That's why actively creating good ones is so important.


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It will taper off, but one last hurrah wasn't bad. I was so glad to see her.

Talked to my mother this weekend, who has totally just stressed me out. She wanted help with the rooms (FINALLY) and I told her I'd be glad to pitch in. Then she starts talking about how she doesn't have time to paint both rooms -- she didn't know she'd be painting the master suite I'm moving into, as well.

This is amusing, as we had a whole conversation TWO MONTHS AGO about how I'd do it myself to save her the work, and she declined that offer, saying that she wants it done right (she's a professional painter) so she'd take care of it. Then she asked if I wanted to do the painting before or after I moved in and I said before would work best, because the two cats will cause havoc if we try to do it after.

You seriously forgot those conversations?

Then she starts in about how she's working three jobs simultaneously and she can't possibly paint both rooms, because it will kill her, and "didn't you want to move in by October 1st?"

Yes, that was the time-line I gave you two months ago, and you just ignored it until the last minute, so now we're rushing.

Fine. I just told her we'll keep the room the blue it is now and when she gets some free time in the future, we'll revisit the painting thing. I'm not in the mood to argue and bicker.

I'm irritated because she's had free time to work on this; I know she has. She even promised me a while ago that this (IE: cleaning out the spare room, moving brother's furniture into that room and then me into the master bedroom) would be made her priority...and that never happened. She resisted all my gentle questions asking for rough ideas on when she expected X, Y and Z to come together and now we're in a mad sprint to get stuff completed.

H has been pushing at me to know when I'll be out so he can get his beloved "personal space", and when I told mom that, her response was "too bad for him".

So, I guess it's looking like next weekend will be the move date, provided everything comes together like it's supposed to.

I'm just so raw and hurty and anxious and unhappy with everything going down.


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Raw - that's been me for two weeks now. Parents, even well-meaning ones, can cause havoc. I try to DB my Mom too - no expectations, appreciation for even the littlest thing, and setting clear boundaries even when they are, in their minds, being magnanimous.

Try going in there on your own and just taping off the rooms with blue painter's tape (so you don't have to re-do the trim if you don't want to.) Ask her to judge your work, make corrections with a smile on your face, and get rolling (literally!)


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I'm irritated because she's had free time to work on this; I know she has.

So? she's doing you a favor. Appreciate it for a change. You can't control her any more than you could your spouse. Or have you forgotten that's what DBing is all about?


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So when you have time to do something and procrastinate, don't get upset with anyone else because now you feel rushed.

She can say/do whatever she wants; doesn't make it less irritating to be on the reciving end.


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So, I figured out that it's easier to deal with stuff if I don't have reminders of the past. Photos, stuff like that...bring back memories that kill me.

As much as I'm dreading the move, I'm sort of looking forward to it. I'll be able to breathe easier without worrying about what H is seeing from me and being on my toes at all times to make sure my 180s are tight and solid. Not that I plan to stop doing 180s, but when I'M the only one I have to worry about, there's less pressure to be on point.

Right now I'm trying to go semi-dark. No texts, only interacting for the 5 minutes or so we're home at the same time, usually when he rolls in the door at 10pm and before he goes to bed on the couch. Mostly it's just polite interaction.

At some point I suspect we'll have to talk about loose end details, but he can come to me. When I'm officially out, I'm going dark totally; no contact, period, unless he contacts me.

Going to try to force myself to start packing this week so that the move this weekend will go smoother.

Deep breaths, and continue to remind myself what a good, healthy relationship consists of -- and until (if ever) Mr. WAH is willing to put effort toward that sort of a thing, then I need to look ahead for myself.


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Packing. Man this house looks plain without my decorating touches. Empty. We'll see how that works out for him.


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"She can say/do whatever she wants; doesn't make it less irritating to be on the reciving end."

Irritation like that is a choice. YOU are choosing to feel irritated. Let it go.


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H brought home the motorcycle battery and oil for my bike. Filter is on order so the oil change has to wait. We worked together on filling the battery; he taught me how to pour the liquid into the chambers and how to charge it with the battery minder when we were done. It was good team work and no awkwardness.

I mentioned how excited I am to be finally here and able to ride and he said, "aren't you wondering why you didn't do it sooner?"

I said, "Nope! It's in the past; there's a lot about the past I'd change but I can't. I'm here now, and moving forward !"

We said our goodnights and 20 minutes later he came in to sheepishly initiate physical stuff. Was a blast, as always and I still have no illusions about it!

More packing tonight.


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H is chatty today. Texted me first to chit-chat about how he found a mobil hotspot for his phone (since he had the internet shut off at the house in anticipation of my leaving) and the cable company could shove it, then asked me if I was 'really' going to pay for SD12's karate. I told him that I absolutely will, because I want the best for her; and I miss her greatly.

He said he's going to tell her to text me when she gets her iPod back (after being grounded for the incident the other day) and feels like she should know that I'm taking over the responsibility for karate because I love her. If her mom gives issues about if she finds out, he'll settle them.

We made plans to do the oil change in my motorcycle after I get out of work today, so I'll be spending at least a little time with him.

Blah. Hate this 'friendly friendly' thing; it makes me go "hey, we could be doing this AND working on an R, that's not so bad, is it?"

I won't, of course, but...yeah. Blah.


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Also, when we were talking about SD12, he mentioned that "if she moves in with me at some point in the future, then it'll be my choice who she hangs out with", meaning he'd let me see her without an issue.

While that's wonderful and I'm glad, it struck an arrow to my heart about how decided he seems on us parting. Just...settled. Decided. Done. No hope for me or our R.

I know I'm not supposed to let that effect me and I'm supposed to detach to the point I don't give a damn what happens, but it made my tummy squirm and back came all the unpleasant "icky" feelings associated with not wanting this.


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The rollercoaster ride continues. You will get that PMA back, I bet pretty soon too!


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You got that right, bdub. I'm betting that when I move out, it'll be easier to maintain an even keel. As of now, even with infrequent contact, it's like constant up and down because of his words and actions. Which, yes, I get is the point of detachment, but detaching is easier said than done as we all know.

In some ways, I'm very much looking forward to going dark -- but you know how it is when you love someone dearly. It kills you to even think about not talking to them; especially when I know H would be receptive to friendly texts and communication. I'm going to have to work extra hard to stop myself from reaching out.

So many conflicted feelings. frown


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I hear you!
I know W has to leave before she will ever consider R. We talked about it. Honestly I need her to leave before I can sort everything out. I am SICK of cohabitating and being in limbo. I have a list of things to do once she's out. Half a page long. It's going to hurt like hell but I am ready.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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Hi Two Sided Coin

You're initial post kinda reminded me of me so thought I'd give you another point of view.

First of all, what brought you here the first time? How was that sitch resolved?

I haven't been here in a long time because I found that some of the DBing decidedly worked against me. Keep that in mind when you read my thoughts.

I totally get that trying to do the 180s seems confusing and sometimes at odds with not pursuing. I remember the confusion and anxiety at not knowing the "right" thing to do. You understand that you contributed to the breakdown of the R and you want to fix it because you are desperate to fix things.

But it's like you've totally forgotten that he cheated on you. There is no excuse for an affair. If things were really that bad (and I do believe they could've been, BTDT) then he should have come to you then and ended things.

You deserve better than an unremorseful cheater. In the limited R talks you've had he's made it clear that he blames you for everything and you seem to buy into that. Not true!

It's great to GAL, have PMA, and do 180s that are positive changes for you. But you should not make changes to get his attention or get him back. That won't work because if you do get back together without both of you doing real work then you'll just end up here again. And again. Which seems to already be the case.

I know that you feel like you have so much time invested that you don't want to leave. I was with my BF for eight years at the time of his affair. But looking at the big picture, you're still young and you still have plenty of time left to be the best person you can be and therefore attract the best kind of person to you.

Stop all of the temperature checks. Stop the mind reading. Focus on you and how you are going to make meaningful, lasting changes. Getting your internet addiction under control is a great change for you. Working on detachment is something else that would benefit you greatly. Have you read this article?

You must let go of the rope. Your BF has declared that he is done. His actions support this. You gain nothing but pain by not believing this and acting accordingly. Stop being friendly and for heaven's sake, stop the sex! You say you have no expectations but every post you make screams the opposite.

I know this sounds harsh. I am truly trying to help you because I have been there. I was on the roller coaster. I was trying to figure out how to get things back on track. I was thinking about every move I made. And then I let it go. Why? Because I realized that I deserved better. If he wanted to throw away all those years then so be it, that was his decision. I knew that I could work on myself, learn from my mistakes, and maybe find someone who would appreciate and love me for me.

So I kicked him out. Went dark on now exBF because I wouldn't tolerate a friend treating me that badly. I made plans to move out of state. I focused on me and started to like me again. I even started to enjoy attention from other men. Lo and behold my exBF pulled his head out of his a$$ and decided he wanted me back. But by then I didn't want him back. I had a list of requirements that he had to meet just for me to consider taking him back. We spent months talking, working through things, started dating again and I still wasn't sure. Reconciliation or piecing is a long, hard road and it took over two years and another separation before I decided that I wanted to stay with him.

I don't tell you this to get your hopes up about reconciling. I have many DB friends who ended up divorcing. But they are much happier now because they also realized that they deserved better and their partners weren't willing or able to do that. I was lucky that my H did want to do the hard work.

The only reason this was possible is that he knew that I was willing to walk away. We both know that I will walk away if he pulls anything like that again and I will be OK.

Sorry for the novel, I hope you can find something in here that helps.


If you love somebody, set them free.
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I appreciate the thoughts and the opinions you've taken the time to write out. I certainly see what you're trying to get across, and in some aspects, agree with what you're saying.

That said, I'm not here to give up on my relationship, I'm here to try to do what I can to save it. I had a long, drawn-out post written about this before, but it was "eaten" and disappeared after some maintenance. In that post, I mentioned that I think my view on DBing is different from many people here.

Psychology is the study of human behavior and pathology (that is, what people think, why, and how that influences their behavior and actions). MWD used her expertise to write a book to help couples figure out how to come together rather than fall apart; even if one of them is out the door and has given up all together. To me, the side benefit of this system of DBing is that, done properly, the "trying" spouse ends up in a mental place of being "okay", regardless of what ultimately occurs in the end.

Let me repeat that: the side benefit.

I believe that the first purpose of being here is the belief that any relationship and situation has the POSSIBILITY of being saved, if at least ONE of the participants cares enough to try to save it. Of course not every relationship can be saved with DBing, but MWD has given the best strategies and tools for a good, solid attempt.

If I wanted to drop the rope completely I wouldn't be on a site that supports fixing, rebuilding, and renewing. I'd be on a different forum, discussing how I can just forget the cheating bastard with as much peace as possible. Obviously that's the exact opposite of what I want.

I love him enough that if there's any hope he might change his mind and there's anything I can do to influence that, well, I'm going to be mindful of the fact that my actions don't exist in a vacuum. He will see I'm willing to take the first steps; I'm willing to be the first one to make changes to not only how we interact together (by changing my piece of the interaction), but some of my larger, bigger issues: MY issues that affected ME adversely and that trickled into our R (and those I'm not fixing myself FOR him, I'm fixing them for myself, because I had some habits that were totally dangerous to my mental health and well-being; him leaving was a wake-up call for that).

In the end, he will see changes he can take to the bank, and count on - as far as me being willing to address and change other, more in-depth issues with "us"....that things wouldn't NOT (and SHOULD not) stay the same if he were willing to give it a chance.

No, he's not blameless in our relationship. I never said he was. He's got plenty of flaws and contributed a whole lot to our problems: but I can't FIX him, I can only fix ME. When/if he ever wants to work on our R, we can work on addressing his portion of the situation, but SOMEONE has to put down the pride and start.

In the end, yeah. He may never be willing to give it a chance. I don't know what's going to happen in the end, but I do know that no matter what occurs with H, I'll be okay, because I've been getting a life and working on my mental attitude, and improving me.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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This is what frustrates me with DBing religiously without questioning.

No, you cannot fix the R on your own. It simply won't work. You can never control someone else and that includes convincing them to come back to you.

The only way that it's possible is if you drop the rope and set him free. Then you do you without any thoughts about him or your R. If he sees what his life will be without you, sees that you value yourself enough to work on you, then you may have a chance.

Think about this: why would you want someone who doesn't want you? Do you want to waste months or years of your life chasing someone? I know you don't think that's what you're doing but, trust me, you are. As long as you are giving off the vibes that you'll be waiting for him to change his mind he will not see you as someone of value.


If you love somebody, set them free.
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Ahhh, but "dropping the rope" is an MWD principle!


And so is "Do what works."


Pearl's story is an outstanding example of both.



Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
This is what frustrates me with DBing religiously without questioning.

No, you cannot fix the R on your own. It simply won't work. You can never control someone else and that includes convincing them to come back to you.

The only way that it's possible is if you drop the rope and set him free. Then you do you without any thoughts about him or your R. If he sees what his life will be without you, sees that you value yourself enough to work on you, then you may have a chance.

Think about this: why would you want someone who doesn't want you? Do you want to waste months or years of your life chasing someone? I know you don't think that's what you're doing but, trust me, you are. As long as you are giving off the vibes that you'll be waiting for him to change his mind he will not see you as someone of value.



whistle whistle whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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He wants to work on it. I was saying good bye last night before the big move and he started an R talk. It was a ver long and emotional talk, and in the end he decided he wants to take things slow but he wants to repair the R.

I'm still moving out and we'll live apart while making an effort to heal together.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Another long communication session today. I'm so exhausted.

One of the things that struck me was when H communicated he's pissed and angry it took him wanting to leave for me to be willing to address my addiction. He's hurting and upset.

We both sobbed as we talked, me more so. Walls are coming down though.

I'll write more about my piece when I'm finished moving stuff.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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My H has communicated that he's angry that it took him leaving for me to understand that my behavior was unacceptable. Ironically, it took him leaving for me to realize that HIS behavior was unacceptable to me, too, BUT this isn't about that. I can make changes, changes I've wanted to make forever but blamed him for my inability to make them (crazy? yeah.). I'm done with blame. I'm done with distractions, avoidance, attacking... I can only control ME and that's what I will do.

I'm eager to hear the rest of your convo.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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I'm so emotionally fried I don't know how to write this post, but I feel like I want to.

We did so much crying today, so much general talking. H keep stuff so buried inside, I found out things he'd never told me before -- as far as R stuff he'd kept inside and not communicated. Some of it good, some of it not so good.

Communication is definitely a weak point for us, and we need to work on it. H refuses to go to C, though, which is a shame.

Anyway....we talked about how no one's actions exist in a vacuum. You do something and it affects me and so I respond and that affects you...and when those are negative things on each end, it builds and builds until both parties are tired and fed up and it explodes. For instance, when my addiction made him feel neglected, he internalized that by not helping with responsibilities around the house, which then made me feel like I was the only one who did anything, which made me resent him enough I didn't want to be intimate, which....

Basically: we both played our part in our demise and we both need to play apart in changing so that our R is happy and healthy.

I did a lot of moving today -- up and down stairs, so I'm physically exhausted too. We've got a lot of conversations to have, he and I, but I know this R isn't going to be fixed over night and anything can still happen. Slow and easy going is how it's going to be.

I didn't say anything more than my last post did, sorry. I'll come back tomorrow after I've had a good night's rest.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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So much for "good night's rest". I tossed and turned a whole bunch, and didn't really get any quality sleep.

My gut's a mass of swirling anxiety, too. There's so much ground H and I need to cover and while I know slow going is the best plan, I'm an impatient and hot-headed person by nature. I'm quelling those impulses so hard it's making my mind spin like a wheel in neutral.

He's thawing, in little increments. He's a pessimist and I'm an optimist, so we see things totally differently, and that's a challenge. But baby steps.....


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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