It's very difficult. I get what you're saying but it's hard to just turn off my emotions. I love him and I do want to change our R, for the better. That desire doesn't disappear just because he believes he's done.
My head knows things, but my heart wants what it wants.
I've been spending time at my mom's house, just to not be here. Driving a lot. Walking. Motorcycle course is coming up soon.
Just riding out feeling miserable, praying for a miracle a lot, and trying to better ME.
He's hardly ever here, likely avoiding the situation. Oh well.
Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 08/31/1408:45 PM.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Got up early today (180) to find him home watching TV. Asked if I could join him and he said of course. Sat and watched some recorded shows he'd been meaning to get to. We Played with the cats, I dozed off for a bit.
At about 10 I got dressed in a summery dress (180, feels good) and some light, pretty jewelry. Told him I'd see him later and hoped he'd have a sparkling day, left the house (180) although I had no distinct plan. Decided to go to moms and sit outside on her porch and read. Been missing my books when the internet was my focus.
I don't want to leave this house. To pack. To end my life as I know it after 8 years. I didn't choose this. I'm so hurt and it's like a sore wound has opened up to bleed again.
I'm okay 90% of the time but right now I'm a sobby mess.
He's not seeing it, of course, and won't. But I'm having such a hard time right now.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Hang in there. It will get better, one way or the other. Don't move out unless you have absolutely no choice.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
When he came home last night, I was on the phone gabbing with some friends in a Skype call. He surprised me because I didn't hear him come in and he laughed when I jumped, and told me all he could hear when he walked in was me laughing.
He hung around for a bit until I was off the phone and then we chatted and laughed for a while. He expressed frustration with his job and I listened quietly and then validated with things like "...yeah, I can see how that would be super frustrating" and stuff like that. Considering the last year of our R was nothing but me on the computer while he passed out on the couch, it was a nice change. I kept up the PMA when I was interacting with him, didn't let any of what I was feeling earlier in the evening creep into my attitude.
No R talk, but it did lead into some physical stuff, which I'm okay with emotionally. Part of his issues with our R was that we didn't have enough physical intimacy (it's his LL), so I wanted to do a 180 and not turn him down when he was initiating. I know it doesn't mean squat in the grand scheme of the R, right now, and I'm not letting it get my hopes up. Still, it as nice. Our physical relationship was always great when it was active.
I sat and listened to him play his guitar for a while after, and then moseyed to bed.
He took the day off of work today -- normally he's out the door before I even get up. This morning he came out to greet me as I was making a bagel and then we watched the weather on the news before I had to gather my stuff to leave. I told him "I'm out; have a great day" and left.
Feeling positive about my DBing efforts today; I haven't let my emotions of the moment rule me (180!)!!!
Came home from work to find the grass mowed. I'd been paying a friend to do it, but stopped when BD hit. Keeping in mind one of his complaints was that he felt I critiqued everything he did to help out (so he stopped), I sent him a thank you vi text:
Me: Did you mow in this nasty heat? High five, looks great. Thanks, it's much appreciated!"
Turns out he had a buddy of his that owes him money do it. His reply included he explination in a funny way and a "LOL", along with "next mowing is all me" so I replied, "Hahaha! Tell him thanks, then, and thanks to you, in advance, too!"
Left to at that. 180 of heaping appreciation.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Having a hopeless moment. Figured I post. I know this is a marathon and not a sprint but the roller coaster ride of emotions has me still.
Right now (at this very moment) I'm scared he's seeing my efforts as an amiable split. I'm scared he's as done as he said he was in the beginning.
Truth is I have no idea what's going on in his head and there's always hope. I need to focus on me, not him. Every day is a new day.
I feel marginally better, now.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Didn't see him last night -- went out to do some stuff with my mom and by the time I got back home, he was asleep. I'm hopeful that the fact I was out until 10pm on a work night got his gears turning; no more sitting at home for me doing nothing.
Won't see him tonight, Thursdays are a late evening for him. I'm going to focus on some stuff around the house and do me things.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Surprise, he was home last night. Usually Thursday is his late night out with the boys, but he said he wasn't going. Odd.
We spent time in the basement listening to music and tidying up some things that had been neglected. I was helpful and funny and dancing around.
I have a hard time gauging what's a positive response from him and what's normal "friendly, getting by" behavior, but we were relaxed. Anyway you slice it, it's spending time together, I guess.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
