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Hello, all. I was here a while ago and DBed with success, and I'm sorry to say I'm back here again. It's been a while, and I hope to be able to turn things around again.

Two weeks ago my committed boyfriend of 8 years came home from work and -- out of the blue -- told me, in a rush: "we need to talk; I'm ending our relationship".

All the typical BS happened from there - no, there was no other woman, but he knew things wouldn't change between us, and he isn't happy and so he wants out, we're basically only roommates anyway, and he's moving on, so on and so forth.

The next day I did a boo boo and snooped on his computer; bad, I know, but I was in a raw place. I found a video and some pictures of him cheating on me (with a friend of his sister's). When confronted, he admitted to it but claimed the affair was "over almost a year ago" and that they weren't still seeing each other. The time stamps on the video (taken with his phone and downloaded to his computer) confirm that and he's not really a liar except by omission, so I don't disbelieve the claim.

Obviously this was devastating to me, but I love him and I'm committed to our relationship and trying to make this work. That brings me to a place of DBing.

Of course all our problems weren't just MY fault, but I take personal responsibility in two ways: I am an internet addict and had hormonal issues that caused me to spiral out of a connection with him and pay more attention to the internet than anything else in my life, period. I went on anti-depressants for the hormonal issue a few months ago(which really helped!), but the neglect and lack of anything resembling couple-hood really took a toll on us both and it took him leaving to snap me out of my fog. We were rarely sexually intimate, rarely spent time together doing things. He's a very "attention" oriented person and I know the lack of his needs being met are what got him to this point of "it won't change, I'm done".

Right now we're living in the same house because our landlord won't let me out of the lease - I have the bedroom and he's got the couch. My plan is to give this until October when the lease is due to be renewed, and if he's still staunchly "No, I'm done", then I'm going to move into my mother's house. At that point I'll feel like I tried to fix us, and I'm not re-signing the lease with our relationship on the outs. He thinks he can handle the bills plus rent on his own, which is laughable, but this is the mess he's made, so that's his problem and I'm not concerned with that.


So, I started my 180s:

- acting happy and like I'm moving forward with or without him, but not over-doing it.

- Getting into an internet addicts anonymous program and limiting my time online. I have a very structured plan and I'm doing AMAZING with it, if I do say so myself.

- GAL-ing, and getting out and doing things. Fairs, markets, car shows, geocaching....reminding myself of the things I used to love to do and enjoying them again. No more sitting around the house on the computer and rotting in the same chair. Friday night I didn't come home (spent the night at my mom's, but he doesn't know that!), which is VERY unlike me.

- Getting movies and watching them on the couch at night (instead of coming home from work and burying my head in online games), because he used to do that and invite me to watch and I'd always say I was tired and turn him down in favor of mindless internet crap.

- I'm also texting him, which I know is supposed to be a "no no" but it's a 180 for me. We used to communicate through out the day when things were good and then we stopped when stuff got bad, so I just text little funny images, or anecdotes about work, and let him set the tone for if I reply and when. So far he's responded favorably to that, and chats back very friendly, so I think this is okay if I keep it light and non-relationship oriented.

My only issue is that he's very stoic with his emotions and keeps his cards to his chest, so I don't know how to read him to know if/when my changes are making any kind of a dent. I'm also impatient and anxious by nature, so I need to make sure I'm not my own worst enemy, here, with a combination of it all.

Annnnd other than my whole back-story spiel, I'm on the same roller coaster ride the rest of you are. Trying to work on me in order to salvage a relationship I very much don't want to lose.

Peace and love!


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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Hard to know how to act when he's home. His default is friendly, no matter what. He shows no emotion.

I'm cranky and impatient and upset. Blah.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 115
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Trying to figure out more 180s for a sitch that was lack of quality time and attention -- without pushing or forcing stuff. He doesn't want to do things together like going out (obviously), but will sit on the couch and watch TV with me and that's about it.

I used to come home from work and get online so I'm reluctant to depart to another room and ignore him, it's what I used to do.

I am going out, not always home, getting a life...but what else?

Not sure what changes to make when "out of sight, out of mind" (IE: doing all the things alone and by myself) is what got me into this mess in the first place.

Is just GAL enough?


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 115
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Journaling whilst it's very slow at work:

I recognize my impatience, which means I have expectations. I need to figure out how to have no expectations and be okay with detaching. The problem is, in some ways, I feel like detachment is giving up on us, which I definitely don't want to do. I was way too detached all along, which is why we're here in this spot. How do I detach now, without it being "more of the same"?

It's easy to get wrapped up in the finality of his words ("this has to happen", "I'm just done; I want out" "I'm not happy"), even though I'm not supposed to believe any of them. I get anxious about him seeing the changes and believing that yes, we can work through this and come out stronger.

It's probably not entirely accurate, but I feel like when I'm "acting as if" and GAL and avoiding R talk, he's going, "Good, she's not taking this so badly; we can move on without drama".

The changes I'm making are NOT only for him. I want to change for me because I know my previous self is not the best self I could be (that's laughable; it was just being a blob in a chair and so unhealthy) and I was hurt by my inaction and neglect of MYSELF, as much as I hurt him/us.

He's so damned friendly all the time, I want to see this is affecting him, too. What if it's not affecting him?

I'm scared and I'm hurting. frown

Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 08/18/14 02:11 PM.

BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Joined: Aug 2013
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I think it might be helpful to step back and realize that it's only been a couple of weeks. When did you start your DB efforts? It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting instant results for our actions. Unfortunately, as everyone here will tell you, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Or in terms of MMORPG lingo, now that you've respec'ed, you're going to have to gain more exp before your AOE can reach him. Make sure to not aggro him while you continue to earn your exp and continue to do your best at staying AFK. laugh

Remember, it took awhile for things to get to this point and if they are going to improve, it will take awhile for them to get better. The changes you make need to be solely for you. If you have looked at yourself and decided that you aren't where you want to be, then make those changes to be the person you want to be, not who you think he wants you to be. If in the process he is attracted to you, then that's icing on the cake.

You mentioned a few of the things you do. Are you also working out? I only ask because in my opinion, there's nothing better than a good workout to help with your state of mind. It doesn't have to be anything crazy, but even going for a walk everyday can make a difference. 20 min/day is the minimum they say if you want to start seeing a change. Also helps to take a look at your diet. Eating healthier can also make a world of difference on your mental state.


M:35 W:31
S: 9 D: 5
M: 11.5 yrs
BD: 5/13
W moved out: 7/13
Joined: Mar 2007
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Originally Posted By: topgunmb
I think it might be helpful to step back and realize that it's only been a couple of weeks. When did you start your DB efforts? It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting instant results for our actions. Unfortunately, as everyone here will tell you, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Or in terms of MMORPG lingo, now that you've respec'ed, you're going to have to gain more exp before your AOE can reach him. Make sure to not aggro him while you continue to earn your exp and continue to do your best at staying AFK. laugh


I love this advice and I'm thankful you imparted it. What a great way to put it!

I guess I'm impatient about all this because I can't shake the feeling that our time is limited. We don't have kids and so our interaction is sparse and limited to only whenever we're both home (and right now some friendly texts through out the day). Since one of my 180s is getting out of the house and not sitting around doing nothing, that limits things even more.

We live in the same house now, but we've mutually agreed that he'll take over the apartment when it comes time to re-sign the lease in October, and I'll move out. After that, there's zero anything going forward. No reason to talk, nothing. No more opportunities to DB or anything.

At that point, it's going dark, whether or not I want to. Sure, the going dark may make him see what he's missing, but I know my man and by and large it will be his opportunity to not think about it, to sit on his emotions until they go away. Game over.

I don't want to waste the opportunities I have being in the same personal space, for the next month and a half.

It's making me anxious and upset...so while I see what you're saying with the marathon and not a sprint....I feel like time's working against me.


Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 08/18/14 06:11 PM.

BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Not every R can be saved. You can't control it.

Not what anyone wants to hear, but feeling like if you play your cards right you'll get him back will do two things: 1) drive you crazy, 2) decrease any chances you have. You can't speed it up or guarantee anything. You can just control you.

That's not easy to apply but linking detachment to giving up is a mind trick we use to try to manipulate or live in denial. I know, I've been there. I was controlling in my M and first started DBing as an attempt at further control. If you love something set it free...


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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I posted a very long reply to this very shortly before the boards went down and now it appears to have disappeared! frown

So, I realized after a lot of thinking that you're right and I need to detach. I also came to the realization that, while I love this man and don't want to throw away 8 years, I can't stay stuck in one place waiting for him to come to some magic realization.

I'm still DBing and doing 180s. We've had a few R talks that were all started by him -- mostly relating to the past and him doing the talking. I keep listening, validating his feelings, and then reminding him that I can't change the past, only the future -- becoming the person I want to be, shedding the person I was with unhealthy behavior, and enjoying being alive and in the "now". He seems to take what I say and think about it, every time, but so far no budging on the "we need to part ways" thing.

He told me the other night that he talked to the landlord about some things concerning the apartment. I was sure he was about to say "...and I told her that you're moving out in October, not re-signing the lease, and I'm taking the lease over on my own", but it never came. I don't know why he didn't broach it, and I'm trying hard not to read into it.

We're still friendly, as always. Talkative. Watching TV together at night because we're stuck in the same house.

I'm not pushing, trying to be super friendly and "moving-on with or without you" conscious.


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 115
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Posts: 115
Journaling:

Even having made a choice to move forward, this is tough on me. Living here is hard when I want to R talk and I wish he'd change his mind.

Trying hard to let it go and work on me, knowing he's just focused on moving forward without me. It hurts.

Is it possible he's unaffected by DBing and 180s?


BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
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Two Sided,

First, I'm sorry you find yourself here. This board is a great support system. Gotta ask. Why do you want to talk about the R? I'm just curious because your bf says it's done. And your old R is done. So I'm wondering why you think talking about the R changes anything? There is nothing you will say that will change anything. Actions speak louder than words.

First, DBing and GAL is for you. I know you are frightened, however wondering if he noticed your changes doesn't help you in any way. And even if you move in Oct, that doesn't mean R isn't possible.

It's great that you are making changes for you yo be a better person. Keep the focus on you. Go for a walk. I know it's difficult. However, you will be fine.

Hang in there. It gets better ;-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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