H's MLC #3

[2BHappy]

Im going to get a card and leave it on his nightstand in the morning before I go to work. Not going to say the anything unless he brings it up.

Last year he tried to pay for son and I to go out to eat, I said no thanks.

This year if he offers it, I might just do that and pick the most expensive place for our son and I to eat. LMAO.

[2BHappy]

OK I'm feeling some kind of way,,,been feeling this for a couple of weeks, maybe since I came back from vacation with s14.

Its like on the vacation I was so relaxed and not watching every word out of my mouth, not having to look at my roommate (H)and not cuss him out if I want to.

I keep hoping this feeling of me wanting to be done with my M would go away...it has not. Now I'm scared, scared because I feel done, want to be done. This H I have now I dont want, and tired of waiting,,,

I see small tiny steps,,but not enough and really they come and go as soon as they appear...

I need to make sure my emotions are not leading this thought, this need to come from my whole soul.

Is it the anniversay coming up that Im preparing to ignore, that I'm planning to avoid.

I put this ring back on, I want to take it off, the reason why I dont,,,I dont want others to see me without my ring, to ask questions or to wonder what type of wife I am. I also worry about what H thinks when I dont wear my ring,,then I take it off and I feel sad, naked without it...and the worse part when I dont have it on and get attention from other men,,,this worries me also,,,

so I leave it on and I sometimes get angry when I look down at it.

Ok, Im emotional right now,,,its the weekend going to have a glass of wine zand get some extra sleep tonight...

S14 has a game tomorrow, after that I need to figure out something to keep me busy this weekend.

[2BHappy]

It's been over a year since I've had a real date and some good ole fashion hot ML with some sweet nothings being whisper,,some holding each other all night,,Hell its been over 2 years since something like that. A dam long time since a man has looked into my eyes and told me he loves me, calling me just to say Hi, I miss you I love you...

Hell maybe this is why Im so dam antsy...

[Shining]

2B,

Same thoughts for me today, too. Not only do the pains and scars of rejection seem never-ending, but the feelings of longing to be cherished and held.... Valued. Honored. Loved.

That does make us antsy!

[2BHappy]

EARLY this morning, I noticed H is still awake watching TV in bed, I was very tired but made a comment
Told H I would like to be held, told H that there are things I need as a woman...then maybe I said something else like "that you are not giving me" but I was so tired I honestly dont know if I thought the last thing or said it out loud...Iknow I said the first two out loud. H was very sleepy also so not sure how much attention he paid to anything I said...

But he does initate sex...he probably thought I was talking ONLY about sex...

I'm not going to follow up on the conversation today, cause if he did hear what I said, good,,,if not I will leave it alone for now, I dont want him to feel like if we have sex then I'm going to want to have a deep conversation. I know that is too much pressure for him now.

BUT every day Im getting more set in what I want, even though I might not have it right away even if I leave my M, but each day I'm thinking about leaving. At some point there will need to be a R or M discussion, I dont want my next discussion to be me telling my H that I want him to leave and I want a D. Or maybe that is next discussion I will have, IF H does not bring up our M or R, then why should I at this point.

I do want to tell my H my needs as a woman, I want to go on dates, I want to be held, I want to ML often, I want to feel loved by my H.

Need advice, dont hold back, I feel myself slipping..something else is changing in me.

[reachingHigher]

Wanting 2BHappy,

Thanks for your post on my thread.

Do be encouraged! Follow the advice of the vets here.

My husband said many times "its over. No hope of getting it back. I am never coming back to you. The spark is gone and it will never come back."

Yet, here we are blissfully in love....a much deeper-then-infatuation love I never dreamt possible.

Take courage, take care of yourself! Let time go by and work on the things that were wrong in your M and areas you wish to improve for yourself.

I remember the desperate wanting to be loved, be held. I remember reading here on the forum, what is the point of waiting for a man who hasn't kissed your neck in over a year? I felt so lonely, so alone.

Yet, in some ways, my husband felt worse than I did during this time. At least I was faithful and kept integrity. He was lost, confused, alone and drowning in alcohol and partying. He went through emotional anguish especially as the tunnel squeezed him at the end.

It was awful for both of us...but you know what? He said this week "we both agree that what we went through has strengthened us both and made our M better." Its the crucible.

Hang tight!

Hugs,
rH

[2BHappy]

Another day of standing.

I will continue to work on the changes Im making to be a better me.

Need to read more success stories this week. I know some M make it and some dont. Right now I need support to keep standing.

H was joking with me today before he went to work,,,and I told him "dont talk to me like that...I'm your best friend"

We both LOL, but H had this strange look on his face, like he was surprise by me calling us friends.

Dishwasher is broken I told H I wanted a new one, he was like you want new furniture, a GPS for car,,he was like we need to work on those first said he will fix the dishwasher himself,,,

I heard "Im still here no plans to leave anytime soon"

I felt " how long can it go on like this"

[2BHappy]

H day off we cooked dinner kinda together..
I wanted to tell him how I'm feeling...I wanted to say if u are not ready then let's end our M.
Instead I prayed and ask GOD what else do I need to learn from this...almost immediate "self worth" came to my head...hmmm
I know I'm worthy of love I know my self worth...no idea how I'm to apply that now...other then to leave my M.
Im confused I don't know what to do.
Maybe I need to think about this some more and figure out if standing is somehow affecting my self worth?
Is this another phase of LBS or just another day closer to me no longer standing?

[job]

2BHappy,
When in doubt as to what to do, do nothing. Sit quietly and the answers will come. You can't rush the process.

[2BHappy]

I feel so torn, I was in a good place, now all these feelings and confusion is back. And I think its because I'm ready to move on with my H, but Im scared, worried that I may not be making the right decision, worried that this is because Im tired of the situation but maybe not really done, worried that this is because I just want my H back now, better then ever.
I have been waiting, praying, hoping.
I see small signs from my H, but too scared to even trust those signs.
Im tired of feeling like this, it's a year now why/where are all these feelings coming from now...now when it seems like H is getting a lil better..
Sleeping in bed every night (very late) but in the bed, seeking me out more, asking my advice again, but the things I want from H is not there, and now also Im thinking about his A and I wonder , can I really ever trust him again, or better yet do I want to trust him again, if H comes back, do I want to put myself out there again, to trust him, to be there for him,,,I feel like my H does not deserve me, when I think back on our M,,,there have been things I did not like, things I needed from H that he did not give me,,,so really truly I dont want the old M or old H back. It would have to be brand new start over,,,not sure my H wants that or even has it in him,,,
How long will my H continue on like this, I thought by now he would have moved out or started to work on M,,,and maybe his small signs are him working on himself,,,and maybe the time is up for me,,,,

BUT since I've very emotional I will be quiet, continue to work on me, working to be a better person, stop focus on my H. For a while I was able to not even really think about my H thru the day, like only when he was in my presence, now again thru out the day my thoughts go back to my H and my M.

I need a break, need more GAL, focus on my son, my weightloss, my family (NOT H) and my job.

WHY do I feel like Im going backwards..