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MAJOR DOWNER....

H sent all those friendly texts yesterday morning, then went on fishing trip. His past fishing trips with the company he "claimed" to be going with were not 2 nights, only one. So I'm suspicious he's actually with ow.

This morning, I receive a text from h, "I'm pulling back the reigns in my head. I'm enjoying the time but know we are going too fast without resolving old stuff. Inner conflict, you know?"

He needs more space again, right?.... Is this the "go" part of the "touch and go"?

Input appreciated..... I knew this wasn't real reconnection and it was bound to be short lived, but I don't want to mess up my response.

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The few glimpses I saw of old H this week were very nice. Deep down I knew it wasn't going to last. Trying to focus on the positives of having the opportunity to spend time with him, but struggling.

But,

I have to remember this isn't about me. I didn't break him, and I can't fix him.

I have to remember he is "sick" and incapable of too much.

I have to remember to let the A die a natural death.

I have to remember that this is a marathon.....

I have to get my Gameplan ready and into action.

I have to move forward, and stop focusing on whether H is going to catch up or not.

I have more detaching to do. More GAL.

^^^^^^^^ I write all of that today and I feel like I'm lying to myself and I'm not buying what I'm selling.

I'm just so far off. So, soooooooo far off. I feel I'm failing.

I don't have the energy to get going today, and pick myself up and deal with kids, job hunting, bills, groceries, cleaning... My life. I don't want to deal with my life.

SOOOOOOO..... I see I just made reservations for one.

"Pity Party of one, your table is ready. Pity Party of one?"

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Shining, I think the key for me has been to get centered in MYSELF and with my Higher Power. Find that safe place where you are a separate human being from your H...his decisions are about him and your decisions are about you.

Get quiet and find that "happy place" for lack of a better phrase. Maybe, if you don't have the energy today, God is saying, "REST."


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Ok, I flew solo.... Here was my response:


"I understand you are pulling back the reigns.

I am enjoying the time, too, but I can see where it may seem like we are ignoring some big things. That isn't my intention.

Resolving old stuff can happen at any time. When we're ready. There is no reason now to rush anything.

I'm sorry you're feeling inner conflict.

Thank you for telling me how you feel, and what you need."




I think I'm going to be sick.... sick

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Great response, Shining.

I think you are doing really well.

That type of response is all you can offer him now.
Just enough and not too much.
-------------------

It's hard to see a glimmer of your old H, then find out that there are going to be more acts in this play.
Too bad they didn't list the running length in the Playbill:
"Warning. This Play is EXTREMELY LONG. Bring Coffee and a Sleeping Bag".

Some days, it's a Tragedy, other days, a Black Comedy for sure!

Guess we'll have to wait to see how it ends.
Does the Hero return and save the Beautiful Maiden?
Does the Villain win out and sneak off with the $$$$ sack of spoils?
Does the Wicked Wench end up with a House on her head, or better yet--does she dissolve in a bucket of her own tears?

Time will tell. Until then, PATIENCE.

(But I'm the type that likes to cheat and look at the ending first, aren't you?)

---------------------------

I have been having my down days lately, interspersed with glimmers of hope, only to be dashed in the next moment.

It is exhausting.

Who wants to deal with LIFE when there is this giant boulder that is weighing you down?
You've got to drag the darned thing everywhere you go.
And people keep asking you about it... "Why don't you just let it go? It would be so much easier."

------------------------

I love your humor, though!

"Pity Party for One! Pity Party for One!"

Care to make it a twosome? We can swap H stories!

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Thanks, GGG, let's book that table for two. wink

I have so far to go, and so much to learn.

I watched an old Oprah just now, as I forced myself to get dressed and take D13 for her haircut. Funny how things are placed before you when you need them. It was an episode about grief that resonated with me, since I seem to be stuck in it, and trying to carry on....

This quote from Elizabeth Glazer:

"If you don't take the time to grieve, and to let yourself really feel what happened, you just put a scar over it and it doesn't go away, in fact, it festers. And it becomes something else, perhaps it turns into bitterness, or anger, or blame. And you never get over it. So letting yourself descend into grief, and letting it do what it will with you for as long as it takes is a much more intelligent response to loss than 'cleaning up real fast, going back to work you get your 3 days bereavement then back to work'.... That is not a very wise way to handle it.

Grief is an expression of the fact that you loved well. "

And another quote from a man who lost his twin brother at the age of 20:

"You have this picture on the wall, of what you think your life is, and where you think your life is going. And you take that picture, and you pull it off the wall and you smash it into a thousand pieces all over the floor. For a while you just sit there and look at the pieces. And there is no way to put those pieces back together, and put that picture back up on the wall. And for a long time, we stay stuck, just looking at those pieces. We think we are going to feel this way forever. But we won't.

We can't put the same picture on the wall. We can make a new picture."

I'm still staring at the floor.

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Journaling:

Aaaaaaannnnnnddd we're back to business as usual.

2 texts from H this evening, "thank you" (responding just now from my response to his inner conflict this morning) and "had another showing today :-)". <<<<<smiley face?

So what does this mean? It means nothing, Shining. It means stop giving that attention and instead give it to yourself and your family.

So I'm gonna.

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^^ I have found the "business as usual" stance is usually their relief that they haven't lost you completely by pushing you away a bit.

I think it's guilt, a little bit of relief and confusion. They have no idea how to proceed so they resort to a way of ignoring the elephant in the room.

He's testing the waters and trying to keep his foot in the door. Better than slamming it shut (or is it??) smile


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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Artsy, that was my guess, as well....I am trying to be cautious about mind reading, but who doesn't do that, right???

Especially with his added smiley face at the end of the message. I'm no profiler or anything, but that was different, and I can't help but see it as his way to have a "friendly" business tone of "hey, I'm going to secretly be hanging with ow for a while, but we're still, good right?"

Ppppllllllffffffffffftttttttttttttt!!!!!!

Yes, they're not sane. Yes, they're 'figuring it out'. Yes, we need to give them space to do this.....

Even tho I KNOW he's deep in the tunnel and not even close to being out of replay, it still stinks and feels rotten that after he spent time with me he runs away and appears to think, "yeah, well, now that I know she's there, I'll go back to ow now."

Why is the ow still preferred in his mind? Over me... frown

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Originally Posted By: Shining


Even tho I KNOW he's deep in the tunnel and not even close to being out of replay, it still stinks and feels rotten that after he spent time with me he runs away and appears to think, "yeah, well, now that I know she's there, I'll go back to ow now."

Why is the ow still preferred in his mind? Over me... frown



I feel the same way!!!

I wonder if our H's are talking with each other??

PMA--new day tomorrow...I have to tell myself that EVERY DAY wink


Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
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